When I was young I was told not to swallow seeds.
For a great tree would lay roots in my stomach and grow out my head.
boys were told to sow them, lay their wild oats.
I never read between the lines, never knew I was the field to be ploughed.

So on a cold winter's morning, you forced your seed deep inside me.
Its roots grew through my feet, parasitic branches curled around my mind.
Gorged on my sanity, ****** the self-worth from my bones.
In the desolate emptiness, hollow and alone, no flowers grow in this empty winter that has captured me.

I can not grasp the ******* perception of time
It seems that I do not understand present from past
And it kills me inside
Slowly ripping my mind apart
Numb heart, it feels every thing at once and nothing at all.
All of it is felt outside
Am I even here?
Not dreaming, dark circles. Never asleep but not fully awake.

What if the right one came and I still can't feel a thing?

listen to the rushes,
they wait for you above.
listen to the rushes,
the wind blows with no love.

listen to the reeds, dear,
for they have known your pain.
listen to the reeds, dear,
and be yourself again.

listen to the leaves now,
and forget how to live.
listen to the leaves now,
and remember you can give.

listen to the grass blades,
that tell you not to feel.
listen to the grass blades,
that make your life unreal.

and listen to the waves, child,
that call you from the deep.
listen to the waves, child,
and meet your endless sleep.

On a deadline and I'm stressed again,
put out in space and running out of oxygen.
Work is good but work can smother,
and bury you in numbness like no other.
Can't wait til I'm done but will I make it?
Receiving pain for pleasure, but can I take it?
My head might not be in it, but till it is I fake it.
Halfway there, not even close.
But I still got time and the ways to go.
Hoping this work don't rob me my soul.
Much rather be doing something else but I'm striving toward the goal.
Will I get done, how long till I finish?
And how much of my life will I have to diminish.
It's worth the work probably.
Keep going, no apologies.
Just shaking off all of these,
Doubts popping up all inside of me

People fall in love everyday, but to me you're just another face
Another place holder to fill the gap
Another cigarette that will eventually be burned away
Another candle to be blown out
Another storm that will be blown away and move on to the next town
It's nothing personal, it's been this way for a while now
And while in your moments you feel everything, I feel nothing
Does that make me a bad person for not feeling the same?
For not wanting to be more than this?
You think there's something wrong with me, I know
But I find comfort in this apathy
It's better this way, to not be attached
It's better for me not to fall in love
Or to see what makes a person special
In fact, I think I'm better at finding what makes a person the same as everyone else
Rather than what makes them different
I'm better at finding reasons not to like a person
It's just easier that way

Numbness takes over my mind and sends shivers down my spine. Shaky hands and blurry eyes, yet I'll tell you that I'm fine. I dig my nails into my skin leaving it red and sore just to stop the shaking from getting out of control. I know I have lost control of my feelings and I am left with nothingness and emptiness yet I try and try, effortlessly to make it stop. These late nights drain me till I'm exhausted enough to collapse and eventually relapse.

inhale emptiness,
exhale loneliness.
walls don't come with ears but
the feeling of madness as my crackling voice
bounces off of its dead cold surface,
filling the space with my desperate words,
and reminding me of the prisoner i am.

inhale dread,
exhale panic.
lungs don't fill with air but the torrent of ***** water
to leave me shaking and unclean, ease only arriving
when wondering if a rope around my neck
would hurt less than the thoughts cramming,
screaming in my head.

inhale smoke,
exhale death.
the candle of my soul is melting,
the last weak flames flickering against my unfeeling skin
and releasing the ashes through my veins.
set me free, set me free, set me
free.

but i can find a door within my cell,
or crash through it like a warrior.

but water can clear lands and clean hands,
washing away the pain with calming ocean waves,
flooding my eyes with newly made life.

but the fires can warm up my numb surface
and light my way out of the dark.

inhale hope,
exhale.

My words fail
Futile tears fell
Nothing to feel
You let me go
Now what I see in you
Smile that mocks me
Humour to torment me
Punches of repugnance
Your eyes carry it all
Pain of time with me
My weight lowered you
I couldn't see now
What I use to
Hidden in the layers
My words unfolding
With your touch
This time it is over
Numbness crept in
Nothing to hear
Nothing to say