You want me to be happy
For me to smile genuinely
And laugh whole-heartedly
But my face freezes
Each time I see myself
In the reflection
Of the night-cast window
And I think to myself

You want me to be happy
I know, I want it too
But I can’t fit back into
That personality
That’s shrunk in the wash
I can’t figure out if I lost you
Or I’m losing you
Or if I’m losing myself

I trusted you.
You came into my dark life.
Brightening up the world.
Like throwing open curtains.

You tinted my world a pastel pink.
Every word you spoke to me.
Was like music to my ears.
Was it like that for you?

But when I turned around, it was all dark again.
You were the stage-light, casting the play.
Making me happy every single day.
You turned my stomach, made my heart flutter.

I never knew love was so bitter.
I trusted you.

I know you didn't love me.
But I was alright with that.
I knew you liked someone else.
But I was alright with that.

I know you hurt my friends.
I'm not alright with that.
You played with my heart every single day.
What the **** were you doing?

This isn't a play.

You knew about my feelings.
You said it was alright.
But you kept drawing me closer.
Like a moth to a light.

I know what you did.
You hurt everyone.
Stop beating around the bush.
Take the blame.

My heart aches writing these words.
I thought you were different.
That my voice was heard.
It went in one ear and out the next.

My heart sinks deeper into my chest.
Wet eyes and shaking lips.
My knuckles are sore.
I need a rest.

I tolerated you.
Loved you.
And this is what you do?
**** up everyone's life.

You were the sun to my Earth.
You cast warmth to me.
But now I see you never intended.
On setting me free.

All your lies taste bitter on my tongue.
I hate that I loved you.
That I had once loved.
My poem I wrote, I shared my feelings that day.

But what do I do now?
I don't know what to say.

I care for you now as I cared for you then
even when I said I just wanted to be friends,
it seemed like you understood but now it's
not that way, whenever we talk you don't
have much to say,
I didn't want to lose what we shared,
I didn't want us to grow apart,
but you didn't take a chance with me
you just left me in the dark.
Today I tried to talk to you and you just passed me by
didn't say Hi didn't say anything just left without a thought or a goodbye.

This year I am bare
Not in flesh but in mind
You left with all of my thoughts
Any ounce of my motivation
Laying on my bathroom floor
I am bare
Some people would see this as an advantage
But pessimists will understand
How I’d like to lay here forever
With my hands covering my eyes I feel hidden from time
Like there is no one else in the world
I am alone
I am bare

Sometimes, we ourselves do not even realize our own faults,
until they are so blatantly pressed to our eyes
that we cannot refuse to feel the heat seeping from underneath
and burning with each touch our hand releases to the outside world.

Then, we either find ourselves trying to eliminate these faults,
or we wait until they eliminate all that is good in us
to the point that we no longer know what is right from wrong,
and we no longer remember who we were as a child.

That person whispering in your ear, it can be you or someone else,
but know, it will tell you not what you want to hear,
but what you need to here, so go.

within then depths of my losses
lives a flicker of fleeting fate
where a fire burns
and it spells out your name
when i squint though the haze
i see you dance in the flames
and i think how my cold hands
could use you these days

i reach out to find
the warmth in your blaze
but suddenly it shrinks
and the flames start to fade
still i keep trying
using all of my strength
but the Light
and You
are completely erased

now darkness is growing
at astounding new rates
and i am left alone
filled with unfulfilling fate
so i build myself up
using mantras of praise
for abundance of Love
in me that always stays
no matter who’s near
or who fades far away

i open my eyes up
to peek at the bleak
darkness around me
it’s all my eyes see
  ”but wait”
  —calls out a Light within me
as i feel my heart beat
to the magic in me
it shines with a force
that the sun hasn’t seen
it dances to rhythms
my soul sings on key

soon my cold hands
are warmed by the heat
which flows from the flames
that first flickered in me
the ones i had tamed
just for spelling your name

but i am the warmth
i am all of the flames
what burns inside me
will forever remain

as does the truth
one that i misconstrued
about that great glow
i thought started in you
but you just reflected
the Light that i bloomed
i am the Sun
you just acted my moon

for no thing i see
exists outside of me
the fire is burning
always at my seams
glowing to guide me
and help me to see
alone on the paths
that lead me
back to me

what shall i write today
on this scrawny paper?

when a lion decides
to grow wings
and the old man wants
to become a toddler again.

when fire is ice
and ice is something else

when a melting *** can't hold heat
and loses its shape.

when a heart is prancing
and legs grabbing

when a man is not a man
but a rocking chair
swaying back and forth
and back
and forth
and back
and forth

i've always provided you
with something better
so if you ask for silence
watch me give you
something greater

the losing will be yours
and in the end it'll just
be me & you
who'll both be lost