Tell me how it feels when you slide into bed at night knowing you lied to everyone you've ever loved?
Tell me does it hurt when your mom is overly religious and you believe she is insane?
Tell me does it hurt when your dad is too zoned out in old war movies to even notice you're crying in the corner?

I've never dealt with your pain.
My family was open and honest and accepting of who I was and wanted too be.

I've never dealt with your pain of finding something, anything, to get you through the day without the inside of your head screaming at you.

But, I have dealt with the sadness.
I have dealt with the anxiety of not being good enough.
So I say to you, you are not alone.

And when the sun shines but all you see is grey and sadness; I will be there for you.

hollow inside
lucid body
lost
confused

goals emerge to
ensure fulfillment
relieve pain
ease anxiety

the sounds of mitigated speech
consumes you until you lose control of yourself.

I wish I knew
I wish I could figure out
at what point did I lose my mind?

I rolled the dice, got FIVE
He pulled away the trigger and kept me alive

I rolled the dice, got FOUR
He punched my face, dislocated my jaw

I rolled the dice, got FIVE again
He kicked me like a crazy insane

I rolled the dice, got TWO
He locked me in a ***** filthy loo

I rolled the dice, got SIX
He dragged me out and took pics

I rolled the dice, got ONE
He said pack your bags, you're done

I rolled the dice, got THREE
He opened the gates and set me free

©sim

I watch the dust particles,
floating in the glow of
The computer screen.
My eyes focus on one until it
Gets lost in the darkness.
Perhaps they land on my eyelashes.

"Do the work,"
I tell myself
"Just write down the stupid answers,
Just half-*** it like you always do."

My mind is in constant battle
With my body.
I know all the things I need to do,
Yet my body will not cooperate.

"Just do something!"

I tell myself this as I
Stare at nothing,
At air,
Like some insane
Catatonic person.

The lasting fragrance
Of that perfume
Just hits my head and
Puts me on fume
Going crazy with the smell
Too much to bare,
Seems am put on spell
Now that my head feels light
But something's not right
Why that smell
That delirious spell
The ringing of bells
The gates of hell
Almost insane......I can tell!!

©sim

tick, tock. tick, tock.

hmm. I want pizza.

tick, tock. tick, tock.

I think I'm going to draw today. Yes, I'll do this.

tick, tock. tick, tock.

oh no

tick,

wait

tock.

i suddenly remember

tick,

i suddenly remember that life has no meaning

tock.

i suddenly remember that we're micro-microscopic

tickk,

microscopic in this universe,

toock.

this universe we know nothing about, and, oh,

tttick,

oh, i'm losing sight of who i am and where i am and why anything in this world matters and oh

ti-tock.

i dont know why my hands are shaking when i dont have a reason to shake them i dont know why i ask myself these questions when i dont have a reason to ask them i dont know why i write this when i dont have a reason to write them and i

tick?

dont know why i try when i dont have a reason to try and i dont know why i dont try when theres every reason to try but is there really and

t...tock.

what is a reason but something i myself conjure up out of little things do these little things really matter what is the quest for life other than a quest to release more happiness chemicals in our brains holding us away from the drug and

t-t-t-t-t-t-tick!

why do i live when theres no reason to live but why should i die when theres no reason to die and why do i lie to myself on a regular basis when theres no reason to hide myself from the truth but is

tatock

it really the truth or is it a lie ive lied to myself so long i cant remember because the only person who believes my lies

tick

is myself

tock

oh. the pizza is done!

tick, tock. tick, tock.

that's nice.

tick, tock. tick, tock.

i might make pizza again sometime

tick, tock. tick, tock.

I wish I could get rid of these nightmares. Brand new hells await each night that I tread upon the hallowed ground of the dreaming. Flashes of lives so alien to me that I have little choice but to lay back and accept the inevitable. Every step in that realm is a new life, with new fears and new memories, like I've slipped into the forgotten moments of a life besides mine. Worse than the nightmares, or even the agonies of others, are the first moments upon waking. The moments I reach for someone who isn't there, the fresh feeling of loss starting every day. I wish I could get rid of these nightmares.

Pain, without love
Pain, can’t get enough
Pain, it’s all i love
I need to feed this hurt in me

Pain, drugged me up
Pain, it’s all i want
I need to feed this Beast in me

Pain, in solitude
Pain, it’s what i do
Pain, can’t get too deep
Just what i need to feed this Beast

Pain, in agony
Pain, it’s not what you think
This is release
The pain is inside me

Pain, flowing down
Pain, it won’t get out
Pain
It’s all i want, it’s all i need
Just feed this Beast inside of me

Pain, make it stop
Pain, it’s ‘round the clock
Pain, where’s my lunch break?
Pain, won’t let me escape

Pain, it’s all i want
Pain, it’s all i need
Pain, i need to leave
But not unless it won’t let me