i wonder what it feels like to live without worry.

is it like a flowing river, forever in motion, with nothing but the rocks to slow it down?

or is it like my childhood dog gnawing on a bone in my back porch?

to live without worry or true damage is a goal that will never be attainable.

to live a life of indifference.

i want it, i want it.

I’m here.
I exist.
There’s nothing to resist.
I’m not happy, not sad.
I don’t remember how it feels to be mad.
I’m not melancholy. Not depressed.
Not thinking about what comes next.
Just here. Just existing.
So please stop insisting
That I’m upset or unstable.
I'm just sitting at an internal table.
Watching life happen with an unattached view.
Don’t worry, I’m fine.
It passes with time.
No, it wasn’t you.
I promise, I’ll be okay.
I just can’t feel today.
But... it’s better this way.
It’s just my mental defense.
No I’m not tense.
I’m indifferent to everything.
Yes, everything.
I’ll be fine tomorrow.
I promise it’s not sorrow.
Just let me be today,
and tomorrow you’ll see I really am okay.

Your pretensions have you doing wrong.
You misleading yourself into opinions and facts that are brainwashing your own thoughts and integrity.
It's interrogating your thoughts and your actions have you proving wrong.
Are you really who you say you are or are you faking the person you show?
It's mind ******* isn't it...
No one is whom they say they are, but who they say they are is just a clone of them trying to be different, not realizing that they they just like everyone else.
The proven truth is that, everyone is like everyone, not everyone is different, and not everyone can try to be.
Everyone that exists lives off other people, influences, brainwashes and media.
Everyone is trying to be someone else and something they are not.
We call ourselves different, imperfect, significant, and unique.
But the truth is that we are all the same and none of us are unique, we are insignificant is this vast universe.
Just admit that we are all regular people trying to be something we are not.
It's not wrong to admit such, it proves that you are just human and we are all on different journeys, the soul however, the same, the canvas is different, same tears, same form...
Arms, legs, fingers, sweat, scars, veins...
We bleed the same and all wear clothes.
It's fine to be like everyone else, it's okay.
We don't have to different, just, indifferent.
And that is the answer, stop admitting your rights, start admitting your wrongs too.

You have left me hanging once again
Been eight hours and still no word
After all you put me through
Do you think punishment is what I deserve?

I have suffered enough at your hand
Cried enough tears in your name
Yet it doesn't matter to you
Just treat our love like a game

I have done my best to be patient
Multitude of mistakes dismissed
You left me stranded without a care
Or courtesy of a goodbye kiss

I have been staring at the door
Waiting on you to arrive
You have been gone all day
Absent of you, barely feel alive

It hurts knowing youre fine alone
What the **** are you trying to prove?
Already know I'm disposable
But wanting to improve

I tried not to get too close
Failed right from the start
Fell straight into your enchanting  embrace
Now I'm falling apart

I wasted countless nights
Waiting to hear your soft voice
But until now I always felt
I had no other choice

Lately you have been cold to me
Putting me down with hurtful things you don't realize you say
Before you walked out the door
Seemed like your mind was far away

I do not know what changed between us
Or why you started treating me bad
How did things get so ******* ip between us
Reminiscing on the good times we had

I'm sorry our story turned out like this
Arguing night after night
Would do anything to go back in time
To days you still held me tight

But those days have come and went
Only exists in memory
Indifferent silence clearly shows how you feel
You are no longer in love with me

Another year, now older
Am I wiser?
Perhaps, but surely bolder
What can I say
I feel more or less the same

The years float by, entrancing
But each no more enhancing
The reflection has no change
Yet my vision has less range
The wrinkles aren't yet there
And the grey has not attacked my hair
But somehow I feel aged
In my own mind encaged
I don't mind the sound of my years
For some it brings them to solemn tears
I find it sort of soothing
As evidence that life is moving

The time is comes and goes
When it will end, no one knows
But for now on earth it snows
And the howling wind still blows

Some may shed streaming flower of rivers upon venturing uncharted places;
but Not I.

Some may laugh at the face of the unknown, and bravely face it head on, smiling all the while;
but Not I.

Some would break their bones, grind their teeth, and shatter their minds through the spectrum for that condescending god-like existence.
But Not I.

Some would dream basked in sunlight, living their lives freely and without plight; Not I.

No.

The one who merely passes through, pretending to be anything and everything. Living aimlessly and uncaring.
That, is my truth.

Im far from home
It's been months
Since I've been alone
Since I've been
On my own

Im at this place
Supposedly a new start
Yet couldn't figure it out
How to move forward

I've lost control
Long ago
I have been stuck here
For so long
I wasnt even trying
At all

Im far from home
A new place to start
Yet I've brought with me
The feeling
Where you left me
Im still at this place
All along