Words are all that I have now.
My possessions.
Keepsakes.
Somehow just melded into the backdrop.
Almost to tease at how I can not touch them anymore.
Connections and romances that sputtered and died out.
Seem less painful now.
But its hard to say when this numbing reality takes hold.
Things used to be..
Exciting.
And With each year under the belt.
The world becomes less enticing.
Shrinking the grand dream into a childish fairytale.
One that doesn't end with Happily Ever After.
But with Fin.
Its almost Ironic.
Spending ever waking moment trying to please people.
Doesn't equal a happy soul.
But making the self happy that isn't diluted with every single alteration society provides.
Well.
I have yet to see what peace is and I don't believe it takes bombs to prove a point.
In conversations or otherwise.
A slap in the face can turn heads and fracture minds.
Maybe I need to revisit myself.
Sadly there are doors even I can not open.
Nor perceive.
When all that I am.
and will be.
Is wasted on words.

At midnight I stare out our window.
I see lights out into the far distance.
They are colorful and breathtaking,
But surrounding them is the darkness.

At 1:00 a.m. I look at our unmade bed
Sheets of pale white that are unblemished
Our innocence it mirrors back to us.
Oh what a beautiful mess it could be.

At 2:00 a.m. I see steam float around me.
Is it your shower, or the fog that follows us?
You know why we're here in this place,
The stationary bible with a film of dust.

At 3:00 a.m. I listen to your voice.
It's like a never ending echo in my mind.
I hear the truth screaming inside you,
But I can see that you will still refrain.

At 4:00 a.m. I close my eyes on today.
You are gone chasing another high
But really you're too scared of yourself.
So alone in room 93, I shall stay once more.

the days of nazereth,
or the present
times in labarynth
feeding the people with beams
of light is only in vain when they are
wetting their own appetites,
not applying any of it into
their own lives,
singing hymns in church halls
only to go home and tell their
children a black man is not a
human at all,
inviting all who seek a new life
only to cast their foolish eyes
on a hopeless child who comes
inside, judging her past actions;
labelling her a ***** as she
questions if there is even
a god - and if there is - why believe
in one that harbours
disciples who would display such
a reaction

- t.m

The clock is ticking,
Bon Iver playing in the background,
Every note dragging her in deeper.

She's sitting on the sofa;
Shoulders hunched,
Tugging at the sleeves of her jumper,
Wine glass in one hand,
The other wiping away her tears as they fall.  

She wonders if she'll ever get over this;
This feeling of hopelessness ripping her to shreds,
She wonders if she'll ever make it out alive,
Without you by her side.

She is okay.
She wakes up every afternoon well rested,
Late,
From last night.
The day is shorter,
It's 2pm and she hasn't looked at herself in the mirror,
But she knows how she looks.
She uses no make up,
But her eyes are black and baggy,
She showers everyday,
But she always smells like salt and wet cotton,
She doesn't suffer from migraines,
But her head is always pounding,
Always hurting.
She never uses her phone,
Just at night,
To pull out a picture which she lays by her side,
So she can cry all night,
Late, late at night,
Because all she uses to rely,
Is a digital photo of the guy she never said "I love you" to.
So she cries all night,
And sleeps all day,
Wakes up by noon,
And repeat her mistake.

/I Didn't Say "I Love you"/ SNS
August 4th, 2016
4:08pm

Take me back to days we both know when
Beautiful words you used to speak
Now a whisper in the wind

Take me back to the times we used to share
Hand in hand as we walked the city streets
Now I reach for phantom skin
Memories held within

Take me back to when forever was you and I
But I guess all good things end
The nightmares settle in
Now I'm wishing for your kiss
To fill my emptiness
To mend my brokeness
And guide me to a future
Where light shines once again

I keep telling myself to do my best and follow my dreams.
Yet lately my mindset has been the complete opposite.
I'm sitting around and achieving nothing.
I've been thinking to myself, What am I doing with my life?
It's like I'm purposely choosing to trap myself in a tiny cage
And if I fail in life I'll  only have myself to blame,
I can't and feel like doing nothing when I'm in this type of state,
And when I hear that I have inspired people with what I say,
I feel fake.
I've gotten used to this sort of feeling and I've finally become comfortable,
I've lost count of the days that I felt this way
It's all become one long stream of consciousness
where everyday feels absolutely the same.
I don't have a routine anymore,
I'm just sleeping, doing nothing and wasting the time away.
I've become the type of person that I used to hate
Feeling completely hopeless,
constantly making the same mistakes again, and again, and again.

I've lost the feeling of purpose.
I'm finding it hard to get myself out of bed in the morning.
I keep distracting myself from fixing the issue.
Never quite been the best at taking responsibility.
I'd rather waste my days doing nothing laying in my bed and
then spend my nights awake, feeling horrible because I can't feel decent.

You have to keep mentally telling yourself that you are worth it,
but every now and again you get tired of telling yourself the same thing.
Your mind just goes blank,
and it becomes super hard to feel productive and happy.
I could pretend that I'm great and happy all the time like some others do,
but truth is, I've never really been a good liar.

So instead I will hide away in my room ashamed to show people my face, too ashamed to socialize.
I'll keep reminding myself that I've achieved nothing these past couple of weeks.
I wish I could get over this phase,
become motivated overnight and start to create.
It's frustrating because my mind won't work that way.
I've become so negative and I'm tired of it,
The only way out is forcing myself to change.

The problem isn't the work I have to do ,
It's me,
I'm constantly cutting myself short.
I underestimate what I can do.
I have literally become my worst enemy.
Yet I'm still not doing anything about it cause I'm too scared to compete against it,
I feel like it's too hard.
Yet if I don't do anything about it I will eventually fall back into this phase,
And once you're back into it it's 10x harder to fight off
and I know that,
Yet here I am doing nothing about this
and when I do inevitably lose all hope
I'll only have myself to thank.
So I'm done treating myself this way.
I'm worth it, and so are you.
Thank you.