Will you realize how much I looked up to you dad?
Through all the lessons and guidance you always had.

Will you realize how much I loved you dad?
Through every moment, happy and sad.

Will you realize how I wanted you to be so proud of me dad?
Through all the struggles and the dreams I once had.

You do all of these things for me yet cant even be a dad?
You build up the world I have, but leave my heart sad.

Presiding over the corpses that could’ve been, the constant tides of pain roll over your bare toes. Matching the flow of fear that rises and falls as you despair at the sight of the sea that stares through you, to the little boy who wishes for nothing more than the warm embrace of the one that brought him to these cold shores.

It’s not the vastness of the sea of possibilities that you fear but what lies beneath the surface of dreams that bubble forth once you decide to dive in.

Time stands still while the bodies continue to pile at your feet, with every breath you baptise them to a place of purgatory without realising that even in your condemnation, their souls still yearn for what they were unable to attain.

From the seeds of grief that continue to depart from the essence of yourself, comes forth a tree of redemption. In the grooves of its leaves can be read the route to your salvation, if you so wish. As you trace your hand along the smooth bark, pieces fall to your feet ready to be of service and fashioned into a vessel fit for carrying the ever-growing load you choose to burden yourself with.

You know that there is no port that allows the docking of such heavy cargo but you want nothing more than to escape the sight of the shores that have become littered with the dregs of yourself.

So row you will to shores unknown, in hopes of being released from the reflection that exposes you at every glance.

It is not until you have steeled yourself to depart that you realise, before your journey begins, you must cut the chain that still tethers you to the remnants of yourself. For the wood from this tree has not the strength to carry those who are not yet able to let go of what has been lost. Strive to close the eyes that will never see themselves in glory and shift your gaze to horizons anew. And as you do, that ever-growing load halts and with the coming and going of the tide, starts its own journey to the depth where its grave awaits.

Lighter, you hesitate as you enter, unsure of what this journey will bring. As you begin to row, you immediately notice what a task it will be, as you realise it is not just the water you’re working against as you move forward.

You look down through the surface to the darkness below, you can’t help but feel a deep pang of longing for what was, you recognise the crippling weight of what held you but also the comfort that it brought.

The unchanging cares for us and chains us.

But as you return your gaze to the ever-distant horizon, the little boy appears seated in front of you. No longer seeking the embrace of another but himself, he places his hands upon yours as you row so that the weight of what you’re leaving behind is much easier to carry.

If I must sink
Let it be
I don’t care
About decency

If I can’t have you
No one shall
I have no confidence
And no morale

My heart is cracking
My head aches
Don’t care about consequences
**** the stakes

If I must sink
Let it be
I’ve long accepted
There’s no saving me

Won’t live without you
Won’t carry on
By the time you read this
I’ll be long gone

Not by death
But I’ll lose my mind
You know what they say
Love makes you blind

I've been running consistently to getting somewhere
And in this moment right here my soul couldn't care
About all the dreams or the scars or wishes
I've been planning to go through, for my body leaves
The sense of reality under the gravity
Of my own pressures and judgements, projections
Of being imperfect, these self-rejections
Disguised as ambitions
Couldn't fool any soul that they are soul missions

I've been running and bleeding and I'm tired of feeling
That I am constantly in need of some divine healing
Healing is not becoming someone you're not
But accepting yourself as you are, the whole lot
The shadows, the wounds and the darkness of past
The ways that you cling still to what did not last
The ways that you think endlessly into void
And the way that you let your thoughts steal the joy

Of being right here, nothing else to avoid,
Just being yourself, it's not to control
The ways you exist or defining your role
Into this life in such perfect ammounts
That things old as faith and as grace simply counts
To nothing

Cause I'll tell you, you're something
That could never be perfect, for you can't be a concept
But when you look at the rain or the sea, anything
That nature has brought into this here existence
When has the mind ever had the persistance
Or the ***** to say something as perverted,
As : "that is not perfect, it's not in control,
Of it's own fate or soul, there is too much flow
It's allowing itself to go with, it must be tormented "

For existence was always meant to be accepted
As a jellyfish accepted the tide or a leaf in the wind accepting a ride
Life never happened by action, it just was allowed
To come into being by the one who is proud
To exist as he is, silent or loud
Or however it felt called up on the mount
Of his body or shape, incarnation or being
Regardless of pain, imperfection or grieving

Things such as healing or letting go of control
Were never intended to torment the soul
Into changing what happened or what it desires
What it feels that should be or the band and the choires
It hears, but instead, it was meant to accept
What exists as it is in the now, it's direct
And it's grounding and kind and just this moment
Can bring an end to the winter that stood
In your door and your house when you said that life should
Be different somehow in the way that it goes
But you cannot decide nor the waves nor the flows
Of the ocean, the wind or the boat you are rowing
But just the direction you decide it's worth going


So if you ever have wished for a different ending,
Know that it's here, and it starts with accepting
That life is not made for the ways of expecting
But for trust and for faith in this neverending
Journey of life and this always changing
Existence you are, it's about surrendering

To who you are and the present you're living
And about the love you're allowing and giving
Yourself when you start being here and receiving
All that's been waiting for you to start feeling
Worthy of living.

_M.

We smiled and missed the little things,
Chasing big dreams, we forgot what joy brings.
Caught in the noise, we lost what felt right,
Running after things that just weren't in sight.

Now we're stuck with choices to make,
Wishing for a chance, just for our hearts' sake.
I'm waiting for the day when I'll finally feel free,
Holding on to hope, trusting what's inside of me.

Through thick and thin, we got through it
With every step, we found the strength within.
Through every laugh, and every smile
We found happiness, through every moment
We made the worth while.

I thank god for bringing me such joyful people in life
Through every storm, they've eased my strife
The sudden frown turns upside down,
When laughter echoes all around
I find myself in a room with my friends,
Where every moment of joy never ends.

So thank you for the gentle love you've given me
It's a gift that sets my heart free
I was lost in the darkness, till I found light
With you by my side, everything felt right.