I'm convinced that having anxiety gives you radar
You can spot people with anxiety from a mile away
And when you see them
You just want to hug them
And tell them it'll be okay
and you wish someone would do that to you
but that takes a lot of energy and fighting with yourself and we're all terrified of rejection and vulnerability and ******* talking to people
The tell-tale signs become more obvious
The little ticks
Shaking legs
Tapping fingers
Grinding teeth
Rubbing hands together
Pulling at clothes
You know because you catch yourself doing them all the time
You'll know its a bad day when you can see the red mark over the scar tissue on my bottom lip
You can measure by how my nails look
Or how filled in my eyebrows are
because my fingers decide to declare war there when I'm not paying attention
I swear, when I'm stressed, I can never get the taste of blood off of my tongue
Like an iron key in my mouth
The entropy in my head is enough to drive a physicist mad
Panic attacks aren't always apparent
Sometimes it's just being overly quiet
And your lungs forget how to be lungs
and you just remember the lights
or the floor
or how everything blurs at the edges
Breathe.
I see shopping carts, soap dispensers, street lights, desks, your car window
I can touch the water, her hands, the table, the doorknob
I hear cars passing, people talking, the song you would sing to me
I smell oil and tires
I taste blood.

I sip my coffee and watch the people
They each have their own story to tell, their own past
Maybe they can’t remember theirs
Maybe they don’t want to anymore
Maybe they loved every second of it
Maybe they hated it
But they are here
They made it
Every choice they ever made led them here to this sip of coffee
To this conversation with a stranger
To this smile and this breath of air
It’s beautiful and complicated
But I am here
I made it
I sip my coffee
I watch the people
I smile
I am here

When you feel low,
Cross the high moon nearby

When you feel incomplete,
A full moon appears in the Indigo sky

When you feel distracted ,
Sit on the Earth to purify

When you feel doubtful ,
Jot down any feeling to identify

When you feel cranky,
Close both eyes to open your Third Eye

When you feel alone,
Converse with your angels nearby

When you feel weak,
Ask the moon to send Lights of positive stimuli

When you feel disoriented,
Clear your eyes so go ahead and cry

When you feel detached,
Expose your wings that of a butterfly

When you feel low,
Cross the high moon nearby

Planted on one leg,
extending my
arms to the sky,
I’m furnishing this
space,
holding my head up
high.

Your feet stepped so near,
shoes swept the
grass,
I hoped
you would see
the gold coils
draping my cheeks
and the bonfire
in my
eyes.

I stretched out
my spine so I
could stand tall,
and wished you
would notice
the fairest of them
all.

You got in your car,
I could see the
wheels rolling,
left me
grounded here,
with the sun
burning through
my fibers.

Under this canopy
of dark
gleaming stars
I now sit
allow my body
to take residence
in the aura
of my own
glowing
      let thoughts
             of reason
         slowly unravel
until they
become
one
     long
           thread
connecting my
mind but
releasing it
to the air
Molecules, like
the tiniest of crystals,
gently whir
energetically
             about me
in almost
invisible stirrings
letting the power
of energy centers
take over:
Red,
    for my root
            for I am
               tethered
          to this earth
       Orange, for
the passion
so strong
                and truly knowing
         my own worth
Yellow, for
            my gut,
                instincts open
              and a-light
       expanding into
universes, broadening
my sight
Then my heart
washed through and through
in shades of green
its own incandescence
filled with verdant,
                     fiery sheens
It beats a lantern
of vitality
in this ocean of pain
sending a beacon in
the darkness
helping to break old,
patterns
prompt them to
         snap like rusty chains
Here it pumps in growth of
leafy, budding  light
Guiding my spirit
      in ripeness full and bright

I rise up
into the
indigo-turquoise
of my throat
as words burst forth
                        in surges,
in the salty froth
of ocean spirals
             they float,
get pulled by
mysterious urges
Like waterfall mist
just kissing
the tips of eyelash
                 flickers
these words that
have the power
                 to calm
or make my blood
                 run quicker
And then:
the deep purple
of my crown
that tapers into
a shimmering white
          and I know
I can now
receive myself,
calm, in queenly
presence of mind
of spirit
in my highest
                  form of
                             light

they exist
in perfect stillness,
surrounded by
flowing water and
comforting earth--

the tree extends
it's spider legs
serendipitously over
casual rocks and crevices
to reach the Mother's stream
of which life truly flows--

they come to heal
heavy hearts
beneath the warmth
of winter's light rays--

blessed anew,
they carry on--

My stomach tightens, my lips purse
My dreams are fading, I am cursed.

My hands shake, my eyes wake
My hopes are drowning, I am misplaced.

My legs are weak, my soul is free
My spirit is surrounding. I am grounding.

Prepare for landing, and then lift off.

The water can heal you, if you let yourself

                                                     submerge.

The chilly fingers of the melting ice caps

will engulf you

making you feel very small

and very afraid

but then

when you erupt from the depth of self healing

you will feel the warm tendrils of the sun-rays

curling over and caressing your skin.

And everything

will

be okay

once again.