I close my eyes hoping for dark but I only see grey;
some remnants of night's adieus,
distant sounds of day's footsteps
too early for the mighty sun,
too late for lovely moon
so the sky lingers reluctantly above me,
doubting ever doubting the arrival of light

But what is left of grey but its greyness
stretching infinitely over a vast void;
ever fading but only to younger grey
ever darkening never to a hue but grey.
no birth, no death, just a labyrinth  
caged somewhere in between the mess.

They say I can make whatever I want
of the universe because it's mine
but I hardly see the point in taking the trouble.
Still, if I could mould the stars into shapes
I'd make them to Jasmines
for what are they but shy kids that lay out their wings
in the devouring nights only to curl away
with the arrival of day.

I once saw a cluster of sparks singing in a nightly alley
they held their hands and danced about a blushing flame

what more horrible but the echoes of demons
laughing in depths of dark streets as they
celebrate their evils and bury their fangs
on the cooked bodies they stole by the setting sun
Ribs like bars of a prison holding the excited heart in place
collarbones so sharp they could rip open the flesh,
skin hard as leather, eyes placid filled with smoke
their shrill laughter that gnaws your sleep away,
ebbing and flowing side by side with the dark

I once saw a bunch of Jasmines walk behind a lively sun
Carried upon their withered backs the sacks of cement and bricks
On journey to building a house they'd never call home.

What more lovely than the sound of petals breaking,
dew dripping down their tips only to be snatched away by sun
what more beautiful than the sight of cracked lips,
concave cheeks, tentative hands and scared feet
the desperation of the tongue that takes you to puddles
the moment they hear the cracking of chains
a hunger so strong it makes the teeth shudder
hollowness of nights that pulls you closer to one more thievery
just one chunk of meat to quieten the stomach

Grey choking in white, grey chuckling in dark
grey chains, grey in the chains; grey sky, grey in the sky;
grey eyes, grey in the eyes; grey ballads, grey in the ballads.

That's what happens when you hang your jasmines to dry
under a sun that merely starves for ounces of hope

But what of hope?

They said the universe is mine but if I could squeeze
the life out of the sun, what would I achieve but
the flowers that incinerated decades ago--
the ashes of broken bones, vapours of clotted blood;
the nothingness of smiles, and the dryness of tears;
some sprinkle of love or hate, some gallons of lust;
carcasses of souls, some flesh engraved with wounds

what would I get but the corpses of light that the sun ****** out
the universe they claim belongs to me;
I hear my people screaming out, I see sun sending out its love,
the universe they claim belongs to me turning to cinders.

They say there's day after night but some only see grey
They shiver at sounds of demons joking,
then smirk at screams of stars blazing
but some only stand by the impassive sky watching grey
they fight battles upon battles with evil
then rest by the hanging bodies of the good
but some only stay by the left out winds, staring at grey
They scrape away the dark, paint it white
then cover it up with layers and layers of coal
but some merely sit by the songbirds listening to grey

But what is grey but the reminder of all the petals we ever plucked
and all we ever will in hopes the next that bloom are full of colour
What is grey but a mess of bodies of demons and the heroes
carpeting the deserted battle field that once fluttered with the winds

I open my eyes and the day is finally out
but you can hardly say.

the film plays
a 1950's film
I am lost for a moment;
dancing to the blues and looking into the eyes of a lover -they're grey.
grey eyes. grey skin. grey lips. grey ballroom.
grey. grey. grey. -everything is grey.

But his eyes are a deep grey with light specks,
and the tiles on the floor are patterned with different shades,
and he is dressed with dark grey attire
-but he is the most colourful thing I have ever seen.

In a colourful world you would think things would be complementary;
but the more colourful it appears, the more black and white it is;
the carpet is red, just red, the walls are white, just white,
his eyes are brown. Just brown.
but in this film his eyes are grey -light, grainy, grey.

There's grey in his eyes,
and there's grey all around me,
but my, I seem to have gotten lost;
his eyes are the most colourful things I've ever seen in my life.

the film stops.

(Nicole Joanne) all rights reserved

The cold is bitter,
And grey is dark
Cold and grey,
That's all I am
Cold and grey,
Certainly ******.

I search for passion
In my mind
But despair is what I find
And a heart I hope will bind.

All love vanished
And all I ever cherished
And the happiness is perished

Everything, gone.
The factors of my smile
Gone.
The sun at dawn
That, too, is gone.
Only darkness
No happiness
Only sadness.

The cold is bitter,
And grey is dark
Cold and grey,
That's all I am
Cold and grey,
Certainly ******.

Holding my breath without you
Fighting for air
Fighting for comfort
Longing for care
Like longing for air

Breathing I will have to do eventually
Like getting over this I will have to do rationally
That feeling of panic
Of something you know you need to do
That feeling of guilt
Like you did something wrong
Fixing things is all that you long

The cold is bitter,
And grey is dark
Cold and grey,
That's all I am
Cold and grey,
Certainly ******.

I would make another promise again
But what are those anymore?
I've broken all mine
Like you've broken all yours

All I am is broken glass
Wondering if the pain will ever pass
Cutting others with my own injury
I do it in fury
Like a smokey hot fire
Like a cut wire
Like broken glass.

The cold is bitter,
And grey is dark
Cold and grey,
That's all I am
Cold and grey,
Certainly ******.

The cold wants warmth
And grey wants light
Cold and grey,
That's all I'll ever be
Cold and grey,
That's all I see.

And that's me.

11/24/21

Today them & us won. Grey became instinct and was finally silenced. The Survivors live in balance. A stalemate. A deceiving chaos when left to their own devices.  When them & us won with hate for the other; Grey who chose to live amongst them was washed out and omitted for not choosing a side.  If you ever heard me say I love a black & white society, the rule of law, it's because each side knows where they stand and where they fit in.  Grey is always stuck in a fight determining who is good and who is evil when us & them only expect and demand  Grey to pick a side. Grey clearly doesn't fit in among the masses (the m is silent).  Grey could see good and bad in us & them and loved us & them all equally.  When Grey is washed out and silenced us & them have nothing left to fight for perhaps?  Grey was the 1% who refused to pick a side because us & them both exuded hate that neither could outdo the other in.  To be left with a 50/50 of hate shows equals are the us & them.  Not one better than the other.  Left standing are the equal sums of hate.  The haze clears perhaps when Grey is removed from the equation?  Maybe Grey should learn to truly shut their mouth so that us & them can realize that they are puppets made to believe each is superior to the other when in fact are equals who like the force of water, together, can move mountains.  When those that seek to deceive you and play us & them against one another for their own greater good clarity hits who is truly evil.  Grey has no power in the fight if they can't convince us & them that they are equals.  Grey wants to just exist and hope that us & them will eventually realize that together us & them like black & white make more Grey and then we can all coexist and They will stand out like the moon that manipulates the seawater to destroy all in its path.  It may be time for Grey to retreat to solitude.  Maybe Grey is the problem and They is ultimately that which should win?  Grey feels it in their gut they have a place here among us & them, but They seems to be all us & them can see as relevant.  Forgive us & them for they know not what They do.

when did your eyes turn from blue to grey?
what a beautiful grey
a cold grey
a wet October grey
an "I forgot my umbrella" grey
a "Should we stay home?" grey
a day consumed with nostalgic sadness grey
a familiar reminder of rejection grey
a hopeless new romance grey

as grey as the ash from your cigarettes
as grey as that woolen hat that I'd wear while I waited wondering when you'd wander home
as grey as my best shirt you stripped off of me on a grey night

i fell in love with a mixture of black, blue, and muddy pearl
it sparkled against me when the sky clouded up
and we kissed until our vision blurred

I don't remember how vivid colors were before you.

Stan was born in a shady street, a ruined home and a **** lab
Grey was born in a posh home, boulevard street, with all one can have
Stan was raised in dirt, popping pills and dealing by the age of seven
Grey was raised in heaven, with a personal butler at the age of eleven  
Stan was bullied at fourteen,never had a childhood, and even lost his teens
Grey first broke the law at the age of fifteen, dad settled it out of court, made it a routine
Stan vowed to change his life, and came out clean when he caught a line
Grey went on without a care, hurting others all the time
Stan lived in poverty, saving every bit for a better future and life
Grey lived like a king, spending a fortune every night  
Stan wanted to go to a college, studied hard, got through, but didn't get the scholarship
Grey went to the finest college, never studied and bribed every teacher of his
Daddy paid for the tution, for the place he stayed, and every wish he could have
Stand went in depression, unable to turn his life around, but he never went back  
Grey was reckless, taught to cheat and lie his way to the top
And even though stan never had a chance, he always helped others the first chance he got  
Grey went on to finish his college and make millions through his dad
Stan struggled to survive, never giving up when things turned bad
Grey married a model, and divorced her when she got pregnant and refused an abortion
Stan married a ******, when he got her pregnant and ruled out an abortion
Grey went through wives, cheated and ruined lives of many
Stan stood by his wife, loved her, and held her when the days where rainy
Grey became a dad but refused to acknowledge her daughter
Stan was proud when her daughter was born and vowed to give them all a better future
Lily was all stan could ask for, he never let her leave his sight
And Mary grew up with no dad, and no one by her side
Lily grew in poverty, but her parents gave her all she needed and more love she could as for
Mary grew up on dads monthly allowances, could have all she wanted and then some more
Lily was all stan could think about,and saved every dime for her
Mary felt alone, whenever she stared in the mirror
Lily went on to be an honorary student and the brightest in her class
Greys habits finally caught up with his daughter at last
Stan was proud, the day lily got in the best college in her state
Mary never made it out of high school, paying for her dads mistakes
Lily graduated with honours, and cried on the podium when she spoke about her dad
Mary hated her father and held him responsible for all the problems she had
Lily went on to have a successful life, but never forgot her father
Mary became an addict, and grey came to his senses soon after
Grey tried to help her, but Mary was long gone
Everything came crashing down, and he found himself alone
Stan was loved by many, an honest man with a heart of gold
Never forgot where he came from, and helped anyone who came to his door
Grey never helped anyone and soon his business crashed
Spent some time in jail, when he couldn't pay the tax
Stan died a happy man, with his family and friends by his side
Grey died an old man, alone,  with no one by his side
Lily gave birth to her son, in a posh home, boulevard street, with all one can have
Greys granddaughter was born in a shady street, a ruined home and a **** lab

Stan was born in a shady street, a ruined home and a **** lab
Grey was born in a posh home, boulevard street, with all one can have
Stan was raised in dirt, popping pills and dealing by the age of seven
Grey was raised in heaven, with a personal butler at the age of eleven  
Stan was ***** at fourteen,never had a childhood, and even lost his teens
Grey first ***** at the age of fifteen, dad settled it out of court, made it a routine
Stan vowed to change his life, and came out clean when he caught a line
Grey went on without a care, hurting others all the time
Stan lived in poverty, saving every bit for a better future and life
Grey lived like a king, spending a fortune every night  
Stan wanted to go to a college, studied hard, got through, but didn't get the scholarship
Grey went to the finest college, never studied and bribed every teacher of his
Daddy paid for the tution, for the place he stayed, and every wish he could have
Stand went in depression, unable to turn his life around, but he never went back  
Grey was reckless, taught to cheat and lie his way to the top
And even though stan never had a chance, he always helped others the first chance he got  
Grey went on to finish his college and make millions through his dad
Stan struggled to survive, never giving up when things turned bad
Grey married a model, and divorced her when she got pregnant and refused an abortion
Stan married a ******, when he got her pregnant and ruled out an abortion
Grey went through wives, cheated and ruined lives of many
Stan stood by his wife, loved her, and held her when the days where rainy
Grey became a dad but refused to acknowledge her daughter
Stan was proud when her daughter was born and vowed to give them all a better future
Lily was all stan could ask for, he never let her leave his sight
And Mary grew up with no dad, and no one by her side
Lily grew in poverty, but her parents gave her all she needed and more love she could as for
Mary grew up on dads monthly allowances, could have all she wanted and then some more
Lily was all stan could think about,and saved every dime for her
Mary felt alone, whenever she stared in the mirror
Lily went on to be an honorary student and the brightest in her class
Greys habits finally caught up with his daughter at last
Stan was proud, the day lily got in the best college in her state
Mary never made it out of high school, paying for her dads mistakes
Lily graduated with honours, and cried on the podium when she spoke about her dad
Mary hated her father and held him responsible for all the problems she had
Lily went on to have a successful life, but never forgot her father
Mary became an addict, and grey came to his senses soon after
Grey tried to help her, but Mary was long gone
Everything came crashing down, and he found himself alone
Stan was loved by many, an honest man with a heart of gold
Never forgot where he came from, and helped anyone who came to his door
Grey never helped anyone and soon his business crashed
Spent some time in jail, when he couldn't pay the tax
Stan died a happy man, with his family and friends by his side
Grey died an old man, alone,  with no one by his side
Lily gave birth to her son, in a posh home, boulevard street, with all one can have
Greys granddaughter was born in a shady street, a ruined home and a **** lab

Everything is grey and we are all alone.

The concrete jungles where we compete for our lives in are grey. The roads where we walk our paths of life on are grey. Dull and grey. The sky is grey and people’s faces are grey. The rumble of the city is grey and never silent, and it is ugly. Nobody smiles and we are all alone.

I look up and everyone is looking down, so I look down too. And I stay looking down at the grey floor beneath my grey feet and I don’t smile.

I do the same grey things every grey day, and I do them alone.

But one day I looked up and was caught off guard. I looked up and he smiled. He smiled at me and I stared back.

I look down and up again, and still he smiled. So I smiled back. I looked around and I saw others looking up, and I saw them smiling too.

I saw the vibrant colour of shop fronts with colourful items in their windows. I saw our roads stand strong under the people’s colourfol feet as they skipped through life. And they didn’t skip alone, they skipped together. Their faces weren’t grey, they emitted an effervescent glow that shone all around. Leaves are green and bark is brown. I squinted and saw the sky was blue... was anything grey? I listened carefully and heard the cities sounds come together in the swell of a symphony. It was never silent, and it was beautiful.

Not everything was grey, I had just been missing the colour. I had been too busy looking down.

I’d been so busy looking down, I never noticed everyone else was looking up, and they had been looking up at the wonderful colourful world together. Did they ever look down? Or did I just think they were?

He looked at me and smiled; and I was never alone again.

And I realised I never was.