My chest caves in
As I choke on my throat
Sitting in the side of a grin
No care for a note
My original sin
My passion probed till void
My ire prodded to its prime
My pride stolen from a lion
Fallen from number one
Show me gates up high
Cause im done

Once upon a time
In a land far far away
There lived a word
That word doesn't exist now
It's a word that stopped wars
It's a word that made people care
It's a word that is now a lie

Once upon a time
In a land far far away
There lived a thing
This thing made people want to keep on living
This thing banished the act of giving up
This thing doesn't exist anymore

Once upon a time
In a land far far away
There live a man
This man lost the word
This man lost the thing
Now he lives without love and hope
He trudged through life with
No purpose no reason
He didn't see the purpose to keep going
He didn't see the light in life
So he hated and he gave up.

I can't please you.
No matter what I say you are going to be mad at me.
You are going to be mad at everything.
I know I'm not good enough for you.
I know that I don't say that right things.
I know you get sick of me.
I am sick of myself.
Throw me away then.
Why are you trying.
Why don't you give up.
I want you to give up.
Can't you see that?
I don't want you to care.
Okay?
You can't make me do anything.
It's my choice.
Everything is.

Ashamed of me
You have no cause to be
Why should you care
What they say?
What they think?
Why do I care that you're ashamed?
I thought my decision was made

Whatever, I'm moving on
You don't have to worry about me
I'll be happy without you
Or maybe I'll still be me
Don't act like you care
I know you don't
You can just leave me alone
I give up

"MONSTER"
THEY screamed
Imposter
IT seems
Hypocrite
Imposed to the prose
Of Spirit
Perception remodeled
Former regime is toppled
Peaceful surrender of madness
To and fro
The weight of the world
"Let go"
He whispers gently
From black to red to white
Give up the fight
Victorious me

I'm tired
   *My whole being wants to give up

Please put it away.
Just give it up.  
Do you see the tears falling from my face?
Each one glistens as bright as your perfect little liquor.
Mom said to forgive you.
I did you see,
But you keep adding to your list of broken promises and stinging words
That you chuck at me.
Please throw them away.
Just give them up.

I let you hug me last night
When you cried and apologized to me
Tears swelled up in your eyes and soaked into my sweatshirt.
Please throw your crying act away.
Just give it up.

Because
I already forgave you
For when I was 3 and you hurt mommy and me.
I already forgave you
For when you made me think my life was about to end at the age of 10.
I already forgave you
For when I was 17 and you made me drop to my knees and painfully sob my chest out.
I already forgave you.

I wanted your love for the longest time
But now there's a numbness
That grows more and more
From each heart ache
You place in my life.

I already forgave you,
It's just these images
And feelings of fear
Are stuck in my head.

I just need to put them away.
I just need to give them up.

All I think
Is can I give up now?
I've learned one thing
Waiting lasts
Much longer than they say
And it's never
The end

it's a friday night and i am sat at the top of the bleachers with three packs of maltesers i told the cashier were for my friends with a blurry grin and the hot chocolate in my hands lied. it's lukewarm and tastes of milk, not sweets, and the taste of it still taints my lips because i'm forcing myself to drink it anyways. the stars are yellow set against navy hues and they're blinking down at me.

there's announcers shouting something about the game occurring on the field but i'm not listening, never listening, never apathetic or empathic enough to want to. the music blares, cheers roar, announcers boom, the scoreboard flashes-  it's cold enough to be huddled beneath blankets but i've only got a sweatshirt hiding my hands, hiding my fingers, hiding me. my ribs shiver and the ghosts in the spaces between them gather closer for a warmth that won't come. the moon says hello to me and i struggle to catch enough air to say it back.

my friends are nowhere to be found and i can't feel my fingertips and the flavor of lukewarm hot chocolate leaves me and i'm closing my eyes, shutting them tight, disconnecting.

there's suddenly no one here, just me and the blackness behind my eyelids. it's like i'm watching humans but never being one of them. maybe i'm meant to be an alien- maybe that one star blinking at me is a planet welcoming me home- maybe if i lay my lungs to rest they'll leave me be.

i can feel my heart giving up on me.