I hate you more than I hate myself.

And that’s saying a lot.

I hate you sometimes
Because you exist
In every single guitar solo
And in every single crowd
I can hear your voice
Just around every turn.
Your eyes are always on me
Even when I'm alone
It's truly an intrusion
Of my privacy
I wish I minded just a little bit more
Maybe then, I could convince myself
That I don't really like you

And all of me knows
That we won't ever come close
To what I'm imagining
But you're older than me
I can picture you holding back
Watching me from the sidelines
As I watch you from the field
Our lives don't cross paths
Only a couple of times
But I can smell the chemistry
That heavy breath before a storm
Judging by that look on your face
When I catch you staring at me
I think you do too

the creaking of pews in a church.
a quiet place,
perfect for the creeping
of those age old memories
into my mind.

creaking, creeping,
never
ending

when i finally thought i was strong
my body stiffened at a touch
shortness of breath
fluttering heartbeat
eyes   w  i  d  e
p a n i c.

and then?
a kiss on the back of my head
and i realized
in those arms, i was safe.

Laid up beneath my eyes
Knots that can’t be untied
**** ups that make us wise
I lose and I win, it’s implied in the balance I used to deny
It’s written in ink
A past to revise
A moment to edit
So that intention is justified

My essence in disguise
Some efforts to stabilize
Nothing to really symbolize
Abiding the opposite of a lie

A simple truth I cannot tell
An idea I cannot sell

To simply be
Awareness can swell