Scared
Of
Every second
Of
Every minute
Of
Every day
Spend a lot of time in areas of gray
Moved to the margins, before getting lost in the fold
Waiting for the one bump in the road
A proverbial tale retold
The one thing
That ends every dream,
That costs everything
Leading back too a familiar nothing
Because why?
Because I
Have
Never been perfect
I've
Never been worth it
I've
Never been proven different
I'm
Not worthy of any of it
I beg constantly,
Prove me wrong
Somebody,
Anybody,
Is there nobody?
Not a single soul
Willing and able
Too prove the fable
Let me
At least see
How it'd be
Too belong
Family
Friends
Lovers
Maybe even an enemy or two,
Prove I was wrong thinking no one would come along
I've put my desperate plea in a song
With compassion in the composition
The right music hits the heart strings some
Just grasping for leverage, eyes fixed on the sun
I don't want to want to be wrong
But the list can't really be zero people long
Don't let that be the conclusion I land on
So fuuckin' lie to me...
I don't know if I can count on another day
With my own truth hanging over me
That no one claims too see
Woe is me

©2014

Begging for mercy from a cruel false god
As the years go by, I’ve seen through the facade
But I’m still chained by desperation and fear
And the false hope that you’ll be sincere
And the pleasure you take in my pain will disappear
But it won’t
You don't want to change
You never will
So it will be my blood and tears you continue to spill
Consume me body and soul
Whenever you are hungry for a little power and control
Whenever the world is too much for you
You take it out on daddy’s favorite punching bag

Mother is on the stairs
But she might as well not be there
For she doesn’t interfere
Not even when he fists curl up
Not when there are tears
She watches with quiet scripted interjections
As she watches this towering god looming over me tear me apart
No apologies no remorse
Just me with ****** hands picking up the broken fragments of myself off the floor
I don’t want to be here anymore

And after the damage is done
She provides false comfort
Then angrily scolds me
“You know better than that”
“Why did you say that”
“Why didn’t you say that”
As if the looming tsunami would ever take mercy on me
So I cower in my room licking my wounds forever alone
For there is no one else’s hands to hold
No one's arms to surrender to
Just grief
And a false hope that one day,
I will be free

But even when far far away
Those cruel feelings and fears remain
For now they are woven into my DNA