I dug a trench
to keep you close
growing the hedges
with rope and hose
I filled a moat
to keep you in
a buoy, no boat
if you tried to swim
I planted flowers
bushes, no tree
lest you could climb
and found you free
I paved a road
there you cut a path
far from the garden
away from my arms
now I’m building a bridge
across a sad sea
if you ever decide
to come back to me.

Here I ponder,
Inside my room.

Breath hitching,
As the clock strikes noon.

Warm feeling ,
Gone all too soon.

And now,
I am full of gloom.

For reality,
Lives here in my room.

It is safe,
Like a child in their womb.

Dare I shake it off?
This feeling of terror,
And doom?

For life is my mind,
Cheerful and kind,
And I shall not live in gloom.

I don't look like either side of my family
an outlier in plain sight
soap-bleached, dry hair in puffs of smoke
and rolls of skin
undesirable on either side
and i feel the heat

could i have been born well?
untangled as i felt the first few rays of light
maybe meant for a different mother
the storks dropped their package
on the wrong address

my mother, could you dry my eyes?
just for the night
before you empty your wallets
at the big house
before you ruin your liver
and fill the gaps with
*****

maybe i was meant for a different light
a different face, a different body
a different name, a different brain
a different person in my mirror everyday
i sing songs of wanting to escape
as i rattle the metal bars on my windows
i am not mistreated,
rather not treated at all
walking in silence as my sister
freely wails her sorrows into her pillow at night
tiptoeing to not be heard
my brother cackles and screams slurs
at the top of his lungs

they were made for them
perfect children of god
carbon copies of my mother's face and demeanor
i
only through my eyes

only through my eyes.

Run... run while you can
before the envelopment entraps you
encapsulating escape with leaden clouds
skies darkened by searing missiles
unburdening caches waiting
for the stirring of conflict
so easy to hijack
as hatred
screams
loudest
drowning
out the pleas
of nursing mothers
as children's faces fend off
old feuds and avarice of arms dealers

Emptiness rings heavy in my chest
Echoing demands are overwhelming
I thought I figured this out already
Settled the storm that rages inside me
I guess it's just one of those things
A problem without a clear ending
A lifelong battle I have with myself
Winning or losing, it's all the same thing

This dark hole is a part of my soul
Not just a stain that washes away
The Void lives and breathes and beckons
It's more than a place that I can escape
I've ran and fought and conceded
Fed it everything it's craved
Nothing could ever be enough for it
It's made of more than empty space

Constucted from trauma and pain
By social lies of what happiness means
It's deeply fueled by insecurity
The Void is built on broken dreams
It won't ever let me feel whole again
So it say I'm just a broken thing
Even though I know that it's lying
I'm still tempted to give it everything