Like rippling water distorts a reflection,
the mirror reshapes my
stomach,
thighs,
arms.

Buttons unlatch from their holsters,
The zipper loosens its grip,
Exposed are the  things I despise.

Pinching, pulling, pushing.
Nothing changes, all still there.

Not so much a distorted body,
More so a distorted mind.

Dancers can't have eating disorders.
We are meant to be thin.
We are made this way
We are made to hide food
to starve
to throw it up
As long as no one sees us
As long as we can fake it
Cause as dancers
We have to fake it till we make it
And we aren't going to make
it if we are as fat as pigs.
People don't like watching hogs dance.
Don't worry the mirrors will tell us if we are the size of a stick or a stump.
So no I don't have an eating disorder
Dancers can't have those.
We are created this way.

{SM}

words and whispers
are just the same
im numb again
like the number
on the scale
that rises and falls periodically
i will never be enough

No one knows I skipped my shower last night because I was too depressed to get out of the bed,
that I cried myself to sleep last night because I felt like a dammed *****,
or that I took one look in the mirror and emptied the contents of my stomach last night.
No one knows that I'm not just the smart girl in the front of the class.

And at night I can't stop myself from thinking back to when I didn't have a panic attack nearly every night.
To when I honestly believed that my future was bright
To when I didn't count calories and wish I was just skin and bone
To when I didn't have shaky hands and my palms didn't get sweaty by simply walking into a classroom alone.

But now at night I lay on my bed
Trying to escape the things in my head

Mia is best friends with Ana, and Ana is best friends with Sue,
one day Sue saw me and said I love you.
Ana said I'll love you 10 pounds lighter, Mia said plus 5 pounds less.
Sue said I'll gladly take off  2 pounds of unwanted stress.
Ana told me I was fat, other people did too,
So I  believed Ana was so very true.
Ana told Mia to help get rid of all my  stress.
So then tomorrow I can fit into my brand new dress,
I asked how many pounds until you will love me.
Ana said just 5 pounds lighter, and  Mia said just 3 pounds less,
and Sue said I'll gladley take away all the unwanted stress.
So I pulled out my blades to talk to Sue,
she said, " dont forget I was the only one who truly loved you."

Pink ballet tights don't hide cuts.
Leotards black as smoke don't conceal all the regrets I have swallowed.
My perfect bunhead doesn't pull together all the loose ends of my mind.
I'm sorry mom that somewhere between your migraines and stress your daughter ran into the bathroom.
I'm sorry Dad that you try so hard and you always end up with ***** ups.
I was supposed to be the perfect one.
I have tried to be perfect for so long.
I gave up when I learned that society feeds us chocolate covered concrete.
I gave up when the sun went down and the moon never came up.
I gave up when the mirror started to grab my eyes and made me stare.
I gave up when I couldnt give up.
Now I'm just trying to appear perfect.
I'm faking everyone out
I'm so fun to talk to
I'm such a happy girl
Mom I will do ballet and help you clean
Daddy I will run so you can be proud
You deserve to be proud of something
I'm just sorry that it has to be fake.
I don't know how long this will go on
Just try to enjoy the show while it lasts.

Sticks
Bones
Lines
Length
You.
want.
this.
Is it worth
Starving
Injuries
Sickness
Cuts
Abuse
y e s.

It's simple, simple simplicity
You can't regurgitate
What you don't eat.

I found some jeans in my closet
They are from last year
I got really excited
I decided to try them on
They didn't fit over my thighs
It really made me cry
I know I have gained weight
These jeans are just another reason why
I am going to give starving another try.
I will fit into those jeans
Even if I die trying.
They hang in my closet with a smile
Just mocking me as I stuff my face with food. They are killing me. I'm killing me. Food is not worth it.