why do i apologize when im the one who got hurt?
how many times must i search for forgiveness in the hands of someone who limits the air i breathe? while they wipe their sins on my clean clothes, the filth makes me a martyr
my body doesn't feel like my own, the faded scars on my arms seem so unfamiliar
what have i given up to be able to blame myself for all the ways in which someone can hate?
my skin has become unyielding, not allowing the words i have to say spill from an empty canvas onto deaf ears
this heart has caved in, occupying the empty spaces that once belonged to functional lungs -
where have they gone?
everything has become so blue, an ocean has swept me away, and the stars have taken over the sunlight glistening within the waves
why must everything become doomed in the end?  
if i fall to my knees in defeat, face the pain of others and call the afflictions i've been given freely, as grace.
does this mean that I've been saved?

I think I'm startin' to get that feelin' again
That sinkin' sensation followed by intense anticipation of the end I feel I'm facin'
The hell my life is based in
Then I meet up with my fear of drownin'
Thoughts not safe havin' come crashin' in
Will I ever learn or is this far beyond teachin' a lesson
Up against my dark passenger, the undisputed, heavyweight champion
And the challenger, in the blue corner noticably panickin'
Just some guy with a crazy look in his eye but no business challengin' his demon
My Hyde side stays undefeated while I've never recorded a win
Bringin' my mental discipline into question
Knowin' my armor's thin
Knowin' I've already taken one to many to the chin
It's  constant whisperin' drowns out everythin'
Top tier manipulation allowin' the interjection of it's own spin
On this tailspin my doomed zeppelin always finds itself in
I feel like I should mention, it's not one, it's Legion
Not a friend, it laid claim and became kingpin
I could only watch like I was fifth in a five deep bullpen
No consent given, not even a conversation
Rushed past me like I was a doorman at a Motor Inn
And I stood there silent, broken, incapable of motion
Often thoughts and feelings are left unspoken
Paralyzed with fear, just standin' here like a dollar store mannikin
Behind a display of 151 and Heineken
Made it easy for it to find it's way up under my skin
I hardly even knew what was happenin'
Now I don't know where it ends and I begin
Not sure there's any separation

©2023

you could say i’ve been dreaming since march of 2020
cause nothing feels like reality anymore
i have pinched myself and my scaly skin
i never seem to wake up
which means maybe i am not caught in a dream
or a nightmare of a landslide
i am walking like a zombie in limbo
clomping slowly, pondering whether to go
or to tumble down the cliffside
i can’t remember life before this
cascade of emotions



death to the dreamer
she left so long ago
she tumbled down the cliffside
now she can’t even say hello.

DEAR PENPAL PEOPLE, no white the rest just black:\


reason to a reason faith held one capture
applauded reaches to fallen devils may fracture

prisoners of grace in ten hells same
on cedars that know no angel to not shame

one beat on the downtown line
once in twenty life times

stars align hailing pain
scars betrayed the blood of a shed stain

haunt a child of a pure soul no more
shadows chased for a find of bullet core

if money were on trees
then lands are leaf free

look the eye no lie
to a scratched unhidden cry

poison spreads a four feet stare
is it even of those a matter of fair

royal flushed they think a game under the rugs shipped
rushed hearts a lifeless drink on mindless sipped

ashes called out happy hour not shredded unlit
double vision as grown as useless as toxic as it

dropped corpses the live left to ache
hurt silenced been forever drowned on stake

worst of a future misery
crusted crumble like nothingness a cemetery

thunder smells
plaster lacked on dwells

I may not blurt wounds
because these things are
not nursed doomed

I know the knuckles of the cursor when I see
an everlasting torture painting smudges dancing in same place selfishly



                                                                              -------ravenfeels