This mind of mine
is fragile, yet strong.
Fighting a constant battle between
the light and dark,
Each tugging at the strings
that keep this damaged soul
Tethered to the stakes of a grim reality.

Each path is tempting...
The swirling darkness that threatens
to engulf me in its sensual embrace.
The warm luminance that
Holds promises of days filled
with intense love and quiet bliss.

The battle rages on.

i remember how it felt when we were sitting on top of your car
staring out into this little city
with expensive taste
the feeling of my head leaning onto your shoulder was so comforting
the sun was setting and your body was guarding the sun from shining on my face
we sat there in complete silence for a few minutes
and then you asked me how my grandma passed away
so i said it
you listened and wrapped your arm around me when i got weak
then you opened up to me and i grabbed your hand and held it
i kept looking at you and i heard the hurt in your voice
and i wish you would let me in the walls you've built around
so we can light a match and burn it down
but there is no doubt in my mind
that if you could
you'd crack my ribcage open
and pull my heart right out when ever you wanted to
and then id be left with nothing
but the words you said to my ear
that have sunk into my veins
and wont get out of my skin

I tried to fix you,
Because that's what I do.
I look for imperfections and cracks.
And as I tried to put your pieces
Back together, I
Noticed that I was
Slowly
Chipping away.
I am more broken than you.
Instead of putting you back
together, I should have been
saving myself.

My heart aches and my mind burns, but I am not going to break. You will not win. You will no longer control me. My body is numb and my soul is empty, but I will be ok. You haven't damaged me forever. You are a poison, slowly taking the beauty and life from whoever you wish- but not me, not anymore. I am standing up, putting back what pieces I can, healing the searing pain you caused. I am still afraid- to trust, to ask for help, to sleep, to be less than perfect. But I'm learning not to be so scared. It's going to take a long time to undo what you did...but I will do it.

The first time you saw
The white streaks of healed tissue
That ran across my arm, you said,
"I'm surprised but proud of you."

You were proud that I wore them
Like a badge of honor not shame,
That I didn't hide them like others
Did with their own.

Later, we talked about them again
And you revealed how you thought
I seemed to be used to them now
And I didn't notice them anymore.

Want to know what I notice?

I notice how strangers hesitate
When they see me or meet me.

I notice how mothers distract
Their kids when I walk past.

I notice the whispers then silence
When I move my arms.

I notice judgement from people
Who don't know the first thing about me.

I notice the looks of sadness or pity
But never acceptance.

I notice how my heart constricts
Because they don't know my story.

I notice how I hate myself more
For the fact that I am so messed up.

I notice the fact that I'm always aware
And completely unused to them.

The death of a loved one:
You don't get over, just used to.

This--these scars on the body and soul:
You don't get used to, just live with.