I could really use one of the many conversations we used to have right now

But you aren't here
And you don't want to be around

I met a man once who said, It's all
nothing. Everything goes away in the end.
It doesn't mean anything.

I asked him, What about love?
He said, It's an illusion;
it disappears when you
think you have it.
It means nothing;
we are all going to die.

I saw him walking one day,
and I asked him
where he was going.

He said, It doesn't matter, all roads lead to death;
it all ends the same- nothing matters.

I said, What about family, children, and God-
what about life?
Family abandons you, children grow up and
move away; God is deaf and dumb, if he's
even there, and life ends in decay-
everything goes away.

I said, What about art and literature,
the power and the hope?
What's the point of beauty if the
beauty ends? he said.

I said, What about the moment?  You're
alive right now, it's real and it's happening.
Look at the simple beauty of that robin-
Its breast looks like a sunset.
Do you smell the sweetness of the cherry blossoms?
Do you remember the slippery loveliness of
a woman's ******, the taste of a fine Chardonnay?
Look at the dappled fur on that dog; he's almost
grinning, that has to matter; it has to
mean something.

No, he said, That dog could get hit by a
car in an hour, then he'd just be a pile of
bones rotting in the street.

But look, I said. He's alive; his fur is warm and
course; look at his tail wag, he knows things.

He shook his head. You don't get it.
The race is fixed; the horse breaks
his leg in the home stretch.
The champ goes down from a
glancing blow, the dice are loaded.
It's a setup.
Everything goes awry,
it's not good for mice
or men.

I smiled and threw a perfectly
timed left jab to
the bridge of his nose, the blood was the most
brilliant shade of red I'd ever seen.
It flowed from his nostrils and
settled on the green grass
below his feet.
Some of it stained his white shoes.

Hey what the hell did you do that for?
That ******* hurt.

I said, Pain is nothing- it will end- it's almost
like it didn't happen;
maybe it's a dream.

You're ******* crazy!
It is real; you punched me,
and now my shirt and shoes are
ruined, he said.

He walked away, and the sun broke
trough the clouds, flowers bloomed,
and a small black
beetle crawled through a
patch of blood onto
a lilac bush.
And somehow, I knew
that it all mattered.

-So what do you feel?

I just can’t get rid of this feeling lodged so deep inside of me, which tells me that:
“I need to be seen as someone in front of people’s eyes”
It’s unfathomable. It’s too difficult. It’s beyond me.
Like a black cloud it’s hovering on top of me.

-What are your thoughts right now?

Time is ticking away and all I seem to realize is that,
“Life is getting harder than what I have ever previously thought”.
You have to decide right now, whichever way you need to go.

-And, what are your options?

You either choose to stop whining, quit complaining,
Sit your *** down and get to work in order to,
Achieve your dreams, improve yourself, and actualize your potential
And fulfill your destiny or,

-Or?

You get comfortable with who you are, what you have,
What you do and where you are and that’s it.
It’s your choice to make.

-Exactly. Thank you very much. That’ll do for today.

"Burn bright",
said the
never-burning
ever-learning
Neverlight.

"You're a universe",
she did
converse.

"I'll be your witness",
smiled she
in the stillness.

"So shine bright",
said the
never-burning
now gone out
Neverlight.

I will try.
I will reach for the sky.

I will shine bright.

Good night,
and thank you,
dear
     Neverlight.

Soon, almost, tomorrow, maybe, later
are polite ways of saying no, never
Easy words I often use to cater
to persistent questions I don’t savour

I answer one query with a question
of my own. Before you know it, I change
the discourse with a subtle suggestion,
still manage to have a pleasant exchange.

I must confess though that secretly, I  
always harbour a faint hope that someone
will see through my feint and try to be sly
so we can tease and toy and have some fun.

Please pardon my disingenuous ploy;
my ennui struck heart enjoys being coy.

do you believe in it?
- what?
- love at first sight.
- it depends laugh what do you mean by 'love'?
- i... i don't know. i feel like it has multiple different meanings in my mind. but i guess... love at first sight... similar to a crush but a bit different, yet that little bit counts for miles. love at first sight is when your heart warms to a person upon laying his eyes on them. the feeling like another piece of your life fell into place. it's joyyy, so much joy all at once, for no reason, but also a little sadness, because you know people don't believe in love at first sight, and that most likely you'll never get a chance. it's constantly thinking about the person, swooning over, but also loving their personality. the jokes, the laughs, the helpfulness, the understanding. the friendship, the sense of belonging. it's smiling randomly. it's having conversations in your mind that you know you'll never be able to have in real life. it's wondering when you'll see them again, grief every day that you don't. longing for what will never be. pain upon uncertainty. it's trust that you shouldn't have , risk you shouldn't take. it's all pretty chaotic, but it's all there in a massive whirl in my head, and i can't sleep. so, what is this? how can all this emotion be nothing?
- no emotion is 'nothing'. but what you described does sound a bit suspiciously crush-like. what's the fine line that separates intrigue, attraction and love?
- it's safety. the feeling of safety, feeling of being home when you're far from your house, it's the feeling of calm and content when you know that you'll see them again. it's- i don't know, man. but this HAS to be more than a mere crush laced with intrigue and boredom. it can't be something that'll disappear as fast as it came about. not all of this.
- yeah, maybe. i'm seriously as lost on this one as you are.
- uuurrghh, why are people so hard? and why are there always so. many. obstacles?!
- who knows? but you're right. nothing comes easy.
- 'easy'?! sometimes the one thing you need most never comes at all!
- now, now-
- i read a quote from a book the other day; "i could not understand why i wasn't allowed to have this without everything else falling apart. was this the only way the universe could find a balance? by taking so much away in order to grant me one pleasure?" and, like, i read that and thought, ****, well, ain't that relatable
- wow. that's pretty deep.
- deep is one way to put it, anyway, i don't know what to do, what to think, how to go about. what now?
- i guess we'll just have to wait and see. *shrug

End of it all

End of it all?

The end of it all

What end of it all!?

The man had a fall!
That end of it all

The man had a fall?
What man had a fall?

The man down the hall
That man had a fall

The man down the hall?
What man down the hall?

The man down the hall
Who works at the mall
He was an oddball
The man had a fall
Down there he is sprawled

Down there he is sprawled
Down where is he sprawled?

Down where is he sprawled?
At the end of the hall
The end with the stairs
as i recall

Oh that man down the hall
He WAS an oddball
...Oh ****! The man's had a fall!!!
Have the police been called?