i’m  m i s e r a b l e  in your arms
especially when they’re this far
& i know that’s contradicting
i know that doesn’t say if i love you or not
'cause honestly
i don’t know if i love you            or not.
maybe if you were more sunshine than rainy night skies
i wouldn’t feel the need to entertain all these lies.
in my head it’s darker than my skin
& my heart? you’ll  n e v e r  get in
cause it doesn’t belong to me
she has it wrapped around her finger
                                                  it’s hers
                                 just like this poem
                   just like my life
& if i could
i’d probably let her go
if i could
i’d probably find a decent way to love you in a perspective you’ve never known
but i can’t.
i just-
i can’t
& it’s not your fault, believe me
but she's just
she's    e v e r y t h i n g    
& how could you ever compete?
& how could i ever make you?
simple answer: i can’t.
complicated answer: there's a radio in a car somewhere singing her name & even though it’s not my car, my radio does the    exact    same.
but
i’ll put spaces between us & hope it’s enough
i’ll put spaces between   u   s   & hope it’s enough
even though i know it’ll never be
because her? she's it for me
she's-
she's  e v e r y t h i n g .

Acquaintance: "Brian, if you ever need anything, let me know, okay?"

Brian's thoughts: "Sure, but you only say that to boast that you're a kind person. Sure kind persons don't always have to act right away, but I can sure as hell see you not being there for me.

I will always love you;
Stupidly, foolishly, recklessly.
Spiraling downward, endlessly.
A connection that spans the seas, the oceans;
One that ignores pleas or motions,
One that steamrolls over dismissals,
Ignoring any and all commotion.

Maybe it’s because you’re the closest I’ve been to love.
Maybe it’s because I felt whole with your head gently resting on my chest.
Seeing you again now makes me forget what happened back then.
Your smile is like a sunset, a warm caress that puts me to rest.
It makes me forget that we’d turned our relationship into a battleground,
A battlefield painted red with the innards of innocence for the brushstroke.
A place where hopes were grounded to dust,
And pain’s parasitic relationship with distrust was profoundly compounded.

It’s almost 5 in the morning;
I miss you, even though I saw you yesterday.
This irresolutely irrational passion of mine,
These two paths that just want to intertwine,
These glances and moments that send chills down my spine -
They shouldn’t be here anymore, but they are.

Maybe, it’s because I’m alone,
And you’re the only face that feels like home.
Maybe, yours is the only embrace I can hold;
Maybe, I’m just being foolishly bold.

They say find what you love,
And let it ruin you.
Here I am, like the remains of the Parthenon;
Here I am, standing ready, ready to be led on.
Ready, bracing myself to be destroyed once more;
Ready to burn like a lit match that met fuel that’s seeped into your pores.

That is what you and I are;
I am the lit match, and you are the fuel.
Together, we make ashes of kingdoms,
Petty serfs of kings.
And an absolute mess of ourselves.
I don’t care about being right or wrong, anymore;
I just want us to make sense of things,
And see what destiny’s got in store.

To think that the planets might have been misguided
when they let your star sign almost be my rise;
they would never have guessed
how in twenty years my sockets would confine
sullen, sunken eyes
surrounded by darker spaces,
recurring insomnia I try to hide.
Worn-out clothes now, twice my size.
You gave me the longest summer of my life.

I hate my voice booming static
on the other end of the line.
I miss all my old friends,
and I can't figure out why
I wait in my tower for a knight,
but when at long last he comes
I'd throw him out the window
expecting him to survive.

My mind in one place
My head in another time
Asking myself
How could I let this go on?
I was imagining whether or not we were meant to be

I kept wondering
If I told you how I felt back in high school
Maybe I wouldn’t be thinking about the what-ifs
I started wondering about you and me where it all went wrong
When I found myself falling in love with you
I kept saying it was just a crush
Because I couldn’t let my feelings getting in the middle of our friendship

I told you I love you via text
I told you how I felt about you
You didn’t say anything back
You just ignored my feelings
I finally understand that you’ll never understand
My deep feelings for you
I will forever love you
Even if you think I’m invisible

Now I understand why they say “Love is Blind”
Guess you don’t know who your first love will be
It could be someone you never expected it to be
Oh Love how could you be so unpredictable
Love tends to start a fire in your heart
And then puts it out
I love you but I have to let go
I love you but I have to let go
Falling in love with you
Was like riding on a cloud
Unafraid to fall back again
But now love so complicated
Making me unable to breathe again
I’ve learned to never let it get worse
Than this
Right now I’m saying “Goodbye” my love
My love for you will keep blooming.

12/20/14

Hatred and Anger
They build up inside,
They bubble and boil
Until they are hard to hide.

Merry Christmas they say
Happy New Year to you
But where is the merry and
Happy I once knew?

Now all the holidays
Are about bigger and better
Now they are crazy
And wilder and wetter.

Buy this gift new
Buy this gift for you
Buy this gift for him
Buy this one, too.

You bought this gift last year
Don't buy it again.
You regifted that one
Don't tell the Johnson's.

Gift cards can be cheezy and
Impersonal.
Handmade cards are much more
Appreciated.

Don't bother my spouse
He can be a louse
Don't bother anyone
In my house.

I'm a btch
It's a cinch
As I stitch
And I pinch.

So you won't get me Christmas
Because I'm a btch
But when you act like this
You say it's a cinch.

You treat us like dirt.
You harm and you hurt.
Don't care how you get it
Just get what you want.

You give out hatred
But expect love in return
Your world is upside down
No wonder you get burned.

Copyright From A Poet's Heart

around you I feel so different
like I am in another dimension,
but nowhere to look and go,
just lost and waiting to be loved.

around you I feel so high
like I am on several drugs,
but not hallucinating,
only dreaming of you.

around you I have tangled thoughts
like if I would speak,
I just won't stop.

Summer shandy Sandy,
The hints of lemon sour
Crack a bottle on the hour,
I practically drink it in the shower,
I should quit you but I don’t have the power.

A quick take to addiction,
My body gives into submission,
My friends all tell me to listen,
But it’s your cold taste I’ve been missing.

I struggle with the cravings,
Suicidal ravings,
Dashed to bits on pencil shavings,
Written in shame, but I ain’t praying.

Oh, Summer Shandy Sandy,
I miss the long walks,
The quiet talks,
The bomb drops,
Tell me to stop,
But I need to drink,
Don’t want to think,
About the hours later in the kitchen sink,
Where you and I could commiserate,
When I have you I don’t need no dinner plate,
You put me in a sorry state,
No real plans to situate,
But when I’m with you I’m feeling great.

Oh, Sweet Summer Shandy Sandy,
I miss the feeling,
This copacetic healing,
You’ve got my stomach reeling,
But my heart is hearing,
The low tone notes repeating,
The bottles chilled, thought I was beating,
Her sirens calling, but I’m still reaching,
For that sweet sinful cold embrace,
Of her twist off cap, and that smooth, rich grace.

I clasp your hand as I get to where you are
But I can’t seem to see your face
Like the sun, you’re blinding and
It hurts too much to look directly
So I hold onto you instead and smile
Brightly, hoping to match up to the sun