Frightened by my own actions
Why am I this way?
I sleep with you
I sleep with him
To keep the worries away
And while I know
The feeling won’t last
I beg for it to stay
Because I’d rather be
With you
Or with him
Than in my own dismay

I've been feeling extra anxious,
So why do you insist on playing with my emotions?
Like I tell you leaving me on read makes me crazy?
So why are you doing it on the daily?
Killing my vibes, when they're good,
Always making me question where I thought we stood,
You think you have the upper hand though,
Having a main girl while I'm over here losing my cool,
What you don't know is that I have videos on my phone,
With other dudes, cause I'm not waiting around for any dude,

Yeah, you think you're ******* with me, having a hold over me,
And maybe you do just a little bit, but what's going on behind the scenes?
When you aren't here, cause you with your chick?
Don't you worry, I got other dude's who got bigger *****,

And you think leaving me on read is the worst you can do,
Nah, it's when your geriatric patient of fiancee DM's me acting too cool,
Acting like she's half your age, instead of twice of it,
Talking out of her mouth, spewing hateful ****,
Because she so dumb, she still don't think we've slept together,
Little does she know when I found out, I was getting an STD test cause of her,
But you live in your little bubble, thinking everything's good,
Acting like you're tough, like you're hood,
Well I don't wanna be from the ghetto, and I won't be brought down by two idiots,
And this is where I realize, me and that dude, nah we don't fit,

Yeah, you think you're ******* with me, having a hold over me,
And maybe you do just a little bit, but what's going on behind the scenes?
When you aren't here, cause you with your chick?
Don't you worry, I got other dude's who got bigger *****.

Dated a boy
A long time ago
Was so obsessed with how I looked
Wanted my hair
Long and thick
And if I wore a croptop
Would throw a fit
Figured out later
After it was over
He was talking to others
And I was just a sidekick
It hurt so bad
To love a boy
Who used me up
And threw me to the side.

The shaft of moonlight stabs the
Soft skin between my *******.
I stare at the tips of my flesh
Imagine a babe suckling there.

You once told me you wished for children.
You once told me my hips and soft stomach foretold a healthy and long motherhood.
You once told me I already smelled of milk and sweet breath;
All I lacked was the baby powder.

You once told me.

You once told me the pink and purple of my *** was too mottled and unkempt.
You once told me the space between my eyes offset the masters degree I hung on my office's wall.

You once told me if I put as much time into my job as this family, I wouldn't be watching you shove your clothes into a worn and broken-toothed suitcase.

You used to lie there, between my *******,
The moisture of your breath evaporating off my skin and cooling my ******* to a point.
You'd laugh, press a kiss to each,
And tell me they must miss your tongue and teeth.

I scoot up the bed, sheets scratchy and sticking to my flushed skin.
The moonlight traces a path down my ribcage and navel,
A touchless touch that makes me ache for real fingers and real body heat.

I hear him, moving about the kitchen
Humming that Bob Seger song that tickled the back of my neck when I slid onto the back of his motorcycle,
Voices echoing in the half-empty parking lot.
I can see his hips swaying in the night sky
The slow ****** and long extended neck in the clouds.
I can smell his sweat and ***** on my body, the moist night breeze pushing him further into my lungs.

I press my face to the pillow
Inhale the detergent where you used to sweat pheromones, drool on, and bite when I kissed my way down between your thighs.

He starts to whistle, the *******.

He's tone deaf.

I press my lips flat, contain the laughter my body aches to set free.

You once told me that to be with a man was denying my true sexuality.
You once told me that if we were to marry, I'd never know a day without true joy.

I wonder what it felt like, love,
When he ****** you in our bed.
When he ate you on our sheets
Your *** on him his scent on you.

I wonder what it felt like, love,
To watch me fall apart.
To watch me scream and tear and bash my heart against the wall, the scent of your betrayal still hanging in the air between us.

I wonder what it felt like, love,
To deny your true sexuality.

I promised to love you forever.
I promised to care for you, in sickness and in health.
I promised to give you my all, and protect your heart with my life.
I promised.


He reaches the chorus one last time, and I feel my head begin to bounce
My toes tapping against the cool yellow paint of the wall.
The scent of bacon drifts beneath my door, overpowering his ***** and my sweat
And I roll out of bed, stomach grumbling.

I promised to love you forever, love.

When I **** him, I don't think of you.
When I **** him, he calls my name, not God's.
And when I **** him
I love it
And I don't miss your ***** for one ******* second.

Even his ******* bacon taste better than yours, you ****.

And when I tell him I love him, my lips against his naked shoulder,
My heart in my shaking hands,
He doesn't say that he's been ******* the mailman for the past three weeks.
And our married neighbor Kim.

He says "I love you, too."

And I believe him.

when you gave yourself
to a nameless stranger
my heart was ripped apart
by my bloodied hands
while i descended
into poisonous perdition

It's 3:31am and I can't sleep. I've not been able to sleep for a week now, I guess that's how I know my depression is creeping in.

It's 3:31am and all I've done is sleep now, and by sleep I mean lie awake in bed listing all the reasons, that he chose someone else.

Let me sit at list all the reasons she was better than me. Her hair, her smile, her lips, her eyes. God I hope not her eyes, they have always been your favourite part of me. But i guess that's why *** was so easy for you, because who wants to **** a girl with pretty eyes and an ugly body?

Tell me, do you know how to put back together a puzzle that has had some of its pieces thrown away, or how to stitch someone back together with string? Because I'm trying to learn I really am, but those puzzle pieces are missing, and the string is falling apart. How do you put a person back together, and put their heart back into their chest, when the hole that's left no longer fits the heart that remains?

It's 3:31am and you look so beautiful next to me. I'll close my eyes and try going back to sleep.

They say i'm crazy
They say i'm dangerous

They might be right

They say He's lying
They say He's dangerous

They might be right

I say We're dying
I say we're nothing anymore

I think I might be right...