You push me around but you don't know who I am
You have no idea what I am capable of
Do not underestimate me
I am stronger then you think
You can't push me around forever.....
If only I had the strength to tell you that in person but I'm weak
I'm not strong enough
Maybe I won't ever be
But hopefully one day I can walk away from all the abuse you caused me
And be a person people can come to and speak to
Someone that is strong enough to stand up for someone and actually do something
Instead of just sitting there and keeping quiet
Or sitting there and complaining under my breath
One day you won't be able to push me around

The party has begun
and the faces are covered
the mask hiding truth
and eyes showing reality

those unknown circle together
as the music continues
and strangers mingle
under false references

yet there is one without a mask
the truth open for all to see
nothing to hide
and eryone stares

this man who is different
he is not accepted
those who are hidden rebel
and the one who shows the truth is lost

here i've prepared a couple of jokes
why did the girl cross the road?
because she thought she was being followed home by the boy who threatened her that he would hang her and so she ran five blocks to get away from him
ok here's a better one
why didn't the girl go to the party?
because she was told she was worthless seven times that day and that everyone is secretly laughing at her
here's my last one
what did the cruel middle school boys do when they got bored?
spit on me, push me around, threaten me, spread rumours about me, and more!
wait why aren't you guys laughing?
see, i didn't think that was that funny but then
when i begged for help
they asked if maybe the people who  did that stuff to me were just joking
apparently they were just kidding so they shouldn't be punished
boys will be boys right?
i was probably just too sensitive, too thin skinned to understand their humour,
maybe you guys are too
or maybe i said something that made them say that?
but that makes no sense...
how would you provoke a joke to be told?
oh i know
it wasn't a joke
that's why you're not laughing right?
see daily death threats really don't get five star reviews in the comedy clubs
and i don't think there's been any skits on snl about being spit on because people thought you were garbage
so why did all the adults assume that the boys weren't to blame because they were just messing around?
messing around implies there's a mess and when there's a mess you clean it up but it's hard to clean up a mess that everyone thinks you made up
and I don't think clorox is going to wipe up the feeling that all of the people i trusted the most thought i deserved to be bullied
so i guess what i'm trying to say
is that people shouldn't have to walk through the hallways everyday  knowing that in a few short hours, the boy in their p.e class will tell them that they shouldn't be alive
and when they tell five separate teachers
the teachers will all ask
are you sure they weren't joking
are you sure you didn't deserve it
i'm pretty sure that when he pushed me to the ground i didn't break out laughing afterwards
and their laughter wasn't contagious when they made fun of how i looked
their stand up comedy made me back down
sometimes i hear people say
oh bullying is stupid, how could it actually you
why wouldn't they just tell someone
and here's my answer
have you ever shouted so loud that you lost your voice?
probably shouldn't do that again right
well I screamed so loud that when i lost my voice I never really got it back
it's because you want to learn from your mistakes
learn that when people say that you can always tell someone, you should keep in mind that "always"  is apparently conditional
don't assume that if you were in their shoes you would just tell someone
and everything would be fixed
some situations can't be fixed with a talk to an adult you trust
some situations you actually did nothing to deserve it
some people make the messes and some people can never clean them up
some jokes aren't funny
some jokes aren't jokes
I don't want any more back down comedy
this is my stand up piece but only this time I don't care who's laughing

My own mother hurt me with words today
She asked me why I have no friends
I told her
The people I thought were my friends lie to my face
Talk behind my back
And invite everyone except me to hang out.
My mom said
"You've given me the same reasons since you were 3
I'm starting to think it's not everyone else
It's you
You're un-friendable."
It's a made up word that cuts real wounds
She said if I weren't so different and kooky
And didn't make people feel awkward
Then maybe I'd learn to be like them.
Well if being myself means
I can't be shown the same respect as everyone else
Why would I want to have friends anyway

I have been told by so many that I explain myself so well
That my sense of understanding is so great that they are proud to tell me
It is good that I can understand so well
But what does this do of good for me
If I can't ever understand what others want of me
I always misjudge the situations
And think that something is going good when really I am just stepping on landmines
Pretending the flying limbs are flowers floating in the air
How can I not see that If I am so good with understanding?
I am beginning to doubt if I am ever going to be happy
Because all the happiness I ever had was created illusions in my head
like a puppet on a string I forced myself to dance joyfully throughout a life; that I did not even enjoy
A big smile on my face after everytime I cry
A big laugh though my soul mourns with the sounds of trees breaking in the wind
A hollow feeling of always walking on a path which carries old imprinted footprints from people whom walked here before me
But instead of creating my own I step in theirs; To ignore the fact that my footprints are taking this journey alone when others have been accompanied on theirs

When I cry, In the dark.
Am I considered a shark?
A beast, A inhuman being,
Who isn't more then they are seeing.
Am I an evil soul,
Not deserving Love or TLC?
In my Fragile moments,
Am I allowed to succumb to feelings?
Am I witch, A ***
For not being a *****, or bad?
Am I, an idiot or ****
For not agreeing with the 'popular' every little bit?
Do I deserve to die?
For trying not to cry.
Do you know I try to die?
Every morning, every night.
I bring out my knife.
Place it against my skin

And Cry for all thats lost.

The unlikeliest place to find confidence
A boosted self esteem,
When others tore and ripped my mind,
My body image,
Bullied as a child and fourth it continued,
It never seized to amaze me,
The comments they threw,
Like stones they did harm me,
My name was ugly
I named myself unique
My name was freaky
I named myself limited
My name was what many thought I was then,
I named myself what I would be now.
I grew then to be the same as before,
Or so I had thought,
One day arrived at my college life,
Your camera flashed and I began to feel
Different...
They named me ugly
You made it feel as though I wasn't
They named me a freak
You used me for art
To this day,
Years after that,
Thanks to you,
I don't feel so ugly
Don't feel as much like a freak,
You showed me,
I can be infront of the camera and not always behind it.
Thank you,
For being more than a photographer,
More than a friend,
You were a boost to this bullied little girl's self worth and self esteem!

-Kathia Mariana Landeros