you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave

Dear the first greatest thing my heart laid eyes upon
You follow me everywhere.
With every step I take you're one step behind me
A handsome burden whom I am unable to detach from.
You keep me up at night when my eyelids struggle to stay open
But shutting my eyes doesn't do any good when everything that was beautiful comes in replaying frames over and over again after midnight.
You, who in a matter of minutes shattered everything that was innocent and happy inside of me
are still the most fantastic thing to ever have graced my life.

What happened?
Maybe if love was a little less menacing you wouldn't have let go so quickly.
Maybe if I spoke a little softer, loved a little quieter, kissed more gently you would still be here.
Maybe if, maybe if, maybe if, maybe if.
Maybe if you still loved me I wouldn't be writing this.

I wish we could have been a little less hostile
I wish you didn't take her places you know id be just to show that you've recovered.
I wish she didn't walk by me in silence with a stare that says I won.
I wish you kept your promises and I wish I could unlove you.

And you tell all your friends I'm crazy yet none of them know how we cried in each other's arms and you said your life was forever changed the night you walked away and never came back.
They may know how to make you laugh and
She may know where to touch you but
No one knows the beautiful human that took me years to discover.

I hope you remember the times where we pretended the outside world was insignificant and forgot that time is a heavy burden to bear.
We both knew somewhere deep within that time and love cannot coexist but if we suppressed it enough perhaps we could be the exception.
And as I reflect on our eternal countdown I realized that maybe that's what happened.
We weren't the exception.
Maybe we simply ran out of time.

You made my words crumble in front of me,
The way buildings would after an earthquake
I was afraid of the mess I would make,
So I tried to catch their residue in my hands

It's always a word, a slip up
That creates a mess
It just happens that my slip up,
Was the moment I uttered "I love you."

Then there it was --- the aftershock.
It felt as if I was trying to get out of a quicksand.
Grasping for the rope to save myself, but your words
Felt like the quicksand, dragging me down.

You are still my favorite memory,
Bringing me smile during the most unusual times.
But that smile fades as if washed away by the rain.
I'm afraid your memories are fading, turning pitch black.

The word "love" left a bittersweet taste in my mouth;
Twisting my tongue into knots yet filling me with emotions,
Emotions that urged me to give the best for you,
Even if it means to let you go.

You were the antibiotics I took as a child,
The aftertaste that lasted for years.
You are my first poem,
But I refuse to let you be my last.

At first I was sad.
My world had been utterly torn apart.
By myself.
I had accidentally turned my life into a nightmare.

There was endless sorrow in each feeling
Each hope.
Each thought.
I felt like a *******.

I was a *******.

But I got over my misery.
And sadness was replaced by anger.
I was furious with everyone.
Especially with myself.

I was ******* about the fact that
I was so full of pity for myself.
I was mad
Because I was so weak.

I still am.

But I've gotten over myself now.
Truly abandoned the rancor that used to make my blood boil.
All that is left in me now is melancholia.

The what ifs.
The predictions of what could have been if I had done things differently.
And it pains me to say this.

But I miss her.

I miss that girl that was so loyal
So full of joy
So sympathetic
And so understanding.

I miss those midnight talks we used to have.
That sudden bursts of laughter.
The crap we got from adults
Because we were in our own private world.

We had lots of things in common.
She made me laugh my *** of.
She trusted me.
I trusted her.

And I murdered our friendship.

I regret it.
I really do.
All I got in exchange was a wet kiss
From a boy who didn't even love me.

I did love him.
But that's another story to tell.
I told her to believe in my word.
And I consciously broke my promise.

I so regret it.
But there's no going back.
The wound will never heal.
And our bond is long lost in time.

But I do have my memories.
And I keep them lovingly in my heart.
For I didn't mean to hurt you.
I really meant no harm.

I promised myself I'd stop chasing you I'm my dreams but I see you frequently in places I shouldn't
prime example: his arms
I know can't keep filling myself with ***** to wash out the taste of your love
and I shouldn't keep kissing strangers and pretending that they're you
and baby of course I don't love him,
but he's here and you're not so tell me what else am I supposed to do?

Hereabouts was inearthed the grief of an infatuate;
Beneath the moonlight and clinged by deception;
Thou, one and only sol in the murkiness;

Pour spilled, imbrued the prediction away from the windfall;
Thou, who laughed there then shivered forsakenly?
presumed a northwind that never ******* here;

Was life span soundless as the unnaturalness of the ambiguity?
conversed without confab, forsaken the anguish each one raindrops;
Hasten the broken heart in the wake of thee;

When silhouette remains anonymous, hence thou stand synonymous;
thence it's tiring to imitate its fascination;
how afflicts sweet taste of hyperbole from a guileless lip;

Thou laud me, when thou stare me in emptiness;
Thou palter me, when thou don't seek about my beauty;
Thou vanished, when thou don't see amore anymore...

"What's the matter dear?"
Psh... They say it as if they actually care.

Everything.

Nothing.

I have no ******* clue what is actually wrong with me.

What is so wrong with me that I am squeezing my lungs with my dirt covered hands just so I have trouble breathing, just so.. perhaps... I suffocate myself...

What is so wrong with me that I've had to cry so often my tears have turned to sand and they begin to erode my flesh?
I've sobbed so often lately that the features of my bare skull are now where my pretty face should be.

I'm such a **** up.

I swear they told me that the minute I was born. You would figure it was my name.

Hello my name is: **** Up.

Nice to meet you. I hope we can be great frie--- oh great.
I've done it again.

I said the wrong thing.
I held out the wrong hand for the handshake.
I'm too ugly for them to talk to.
I'm too skinny.
It's the pimples again isn't it?
They weren't this bad yesterday I promise I just pick
Pick... Pick... Too much.
I'm s-sorry I k-keep st-stuttering its j-just that you're s-so... pretty.  Oh y-you have to g-go? O-okay...

The abandonment issues never really go away.

It gets harder and harder to talk to people. Even in your dreams you try to scream to get some recognition for yourself but every word comes out silent.

Crowds are your worst enemy. You get lost as they swarm towards you and your body suddenly feels tight. Your stomach flips upside down and you're not breathing steady.

And then... Oh! There's that suffocation you wanted earlier. Is it everything you expected? Breathe it all in! Oh wait... You can't. Hahaha!

You can't speak, and when you do you st-stutter again and you speak so quietly that it doesn't even matter anyway.

"I exist." You whisper.

No one heard you, you know.
Instead their voices bounce off each other and you feel light headed as that once wonderful cranium fills with the clamor of the incredibly untalented voice-drummers you unwillingly surround yourself with.

My entire body trembles with anxious defeat.


Such a **** up.
You can't even get him to talk to you again let alone love you, you miserable *******. You're going to be alone forever, you know.

And your own friends!... They're out doing drugs and you always believe them when they say they're going to quit. Jokes on you. This will traumatize you for the rest of your pointless life, especially when you know you could have done something.

You can't even take care of yourself, what makes you think you deserve those wonderful twins you hold so closely to your heart? You should have listened to your father when he said you'd be a terrible mother. He was right. You're horrid.

Sticks and stones WILL break my bones, but words will indeed **** me.

Hello, my name is: ****** Up

Welcome to the town of Unimportance.
Population: Me

How do you look at the person you've loved for so long and force yourself to walk away?
Push yourself to forget every laugh,
Every kiss,
Every touch,
Every longing glance.
Watch them fall in love with someone else:
Someone more beautiful,
Someone more talented,
Their soul mate
And wonder why it couldn't have been you.
Why you were simply not good enough.
And remind yourself that you let them go,
That this could be you.
But you were too insecure,
Too stupid,
Too selfless.
How do you convince yourself that you did the right thing when every night you are up until two in the morning screaming their name?
When you don't want to wake up because in your dreams they're still yours.
When their name burns like hard liquor at two in the morning
But makes your stomach feels so warm,
Pain can be mistaken for love.
How do you convince yourself that they are better off?
When you are completely miserable without them.
When you still crave their touch,
See the smile on their face and know that you are not the one behind it.
That you will never be the reason again.
How do you act like strangers?
Pretend that you didn't spend hours in his arms planning out your future.
Forget how much it hurts to think of when he promised you forever.
How do you live with the epiphany that
Love doesn't last forever.

I sit here listening to music I never thought I would lend an ear to… Or flinch at.I realize that there are so many unpredictable factors in this world that are impossible to see down this infinitely long road we call our journey, like it has a clean and clear final destination. It shows me how unpredictable this all is. How many signs you miss not because you could not see, but how could you? They come and go just as fast as your heart beats. There is nothing you can do about that except to hold on, crawl if you must, to the air that surrounds you, to the dirt that is crumbling under your toes, to the water that rushes by. Hold on to it. Feel it. Learn it’s way. Follow it.

And then I listen to music I will forever love and it reminds me of where I have been. It brings back waves of emotion, of memory preserved by the very feelings this song gives me. It is accurate not because I remember, it is accurate because I feel.
So I have had more feelings in my life than I have memories.
I move along like a blind man, through life. Now is just a thought. Here is very real yet very deceiving. It makes me wonder if life is simply an illusion, a masquerade of memories to confuse your feelings, just long enough to convince you that you have a clue of who you, when you are, what you are, where you are, why you are.
Here. You are.
Where that is I will never know… Perhaps I will only feel.

I can hear the rumble
As you're floating above me
Through the shattering clouds
Across the separating sea

I'm waiting here with nothing
But my strongly yearning heart
Nothins else will matter now
Cause we're no longer apart

And when I feel your scent
I'll probably fall down and die
Cause my body will not be able
To fit all the joy inside

But you give me mouth to mouth
And I wont see gloom again
Because the taste of your lipse
Gives everything a meaning

We have plans to go outside
But instead we'll just stay home
Cause when I finally get to hold you
I will never let you go

It's been hurting me to love you
Since you've been so far away
But the life we have ahead of us
Will eliminate the pain

We'll make each other happy
Our love will stay intense
We're not the ones we used to be
Suddenly , we make sense