I promised myself I would stop chasing you in my dreams,
but I see you frequently in places I shouldn't.
example: his arms
I know I can't keep drowning myself in ***** to wash out the taste of your love
I shouldn't keep kissing strangers,
pretending that they're you.
I need to stop opening my veins just to feel anything but the emptiness you left me
And baby of course I don't love him
but he's here, and you're not
and the pain is ineffable when every time I close my eyes
all I can see is the vision of my body entangled in yours
and your mesmerizing clear blue eyes staring back at me
I'm still impassioned with love for you,
yet you seem oblivious to the thought that I still exist
so tell me, baby, what else can I do?

I promised myself I'd stop chasing you I'm my dreams but I see you frequently in places I shouldn't
prime example: his arms
I know can't keep filling myself with ***** to wash out the taste of your love
and I shouldn't keep kissing strangers and pretending that they're you
and baby of course I don't love him,
but he's here and you're not so tell me what else am I supposed to do?

I think that when you are young you don't expect it to hurt as much as it does,
but really what do you know about love until you're sitting on your bathroom floor with blood coming out of your wrist, out of your thighs, what do you really know about love until it all comes crashing down on you and you are suffocating with thoughts of him
so you fall in love but he leaves,
and you stop washing your hair,
and you have creases in your skin from your bed sheets,
and your parents try to yell at you but they can't handle the blank stare your face so they stop coming to your room
and you will probably destroy yourself because that's all you want to do when you're young and the only person that mattered leaves,
so you will pull apart razor blades and hide them in spots for someone to find them, yet they never do,
and you'll start drinking to wash the taste of his love away,
and you'll run away without even leaving your bedroom,
and maybe you'll kiss too many boys who all look a little like him with the same clear blue eyes, who all mean nothing but mean all too much at the same time.
and you lose him not only once but every time you drunk dial his number just to hear the voicemail over and over again
and you lose him every time you see him smile at her
every time you see him plant his lips upon hers
every time he looks right through you as if he doesn't know everything there is to know about you
you lose him over and over and over again until you end up losing yourself as well
and you can't even sleep the reality away
because every time you close your eyes the image of your body entangled in his
poisens your brain with the hope for happiness
so you don't sleep and you don't eat and you don't do anything for months on end
and you're just so **** empty that you open up your veins and you find yourself and the bottom of a bottle every other night
just to feel something, I just want to feel something.
Maybe if I keep drinking I'll forget your name.

I didn't want to hurt myself
but the stinging felt better
on my thighs
than it did in my heart
and the burn
of the ***** in my throat
will always taste better than
swallowing down the words
I want to say to you
I'm hungry and hollow
and I just want someone to call my own
I just want someone to hold
and I want us to love each other
you were like a hurricane
you came to me when I was still
young and beautiful and new
but you destroyed everything in me
the storm calmed eventually but it didn't stop raining in my mind so I ran blades along my skin trying to find some part of myself that might still be there but I only bled colors of you so I sent out search parties all over my body
but they where never to be found
cause I guess you took them with you
so much of me lost in you

but at least in all of this you learned that you have to build your roads on today because tomorrow is too uncertain for plans
and for some reason futures always have this horrid way of crashing down mid-flight and you learn that loving somebody doesn't always mean they love you
and that kisses are not contracts to stay
and presents aren't promises
and you learn to pick the pieces of him that are left in your veins out without cutting open your wrists again
and you learn to redecorate your own soul, throwing out the wilted flowers he left behind and planting your own
and you recognize how strong you are
and you're beautiful
and you really do have worth
you learn to love yourself first.

we're all addicted to secret killers wether it be cigarettes you stole from your mothers purse or alcohol you found it the garage or that boy who swore would never leave you, maybe those anti depressants at the bottom of your backpack or the razor blades you hide between the pages of your books. but baby the cigarettes will burn away the boy will leave even after promising he wouldn't, and sooner or later we all find our way to the bottom of the bottle and my dear the only happiness that will never die away is the kind you give yourself.

“You were always the ocean. 
Clear blue (much like your eyes)
And I used to play in your placid
summertime water and giggle like a child when your waves broke and chased me up the beach.
I was always a grain of sand.
When high tide came in you crashed over me and I tumbled 
over and over again. 
I fell so hard for you.
You were so calm on the surface, playful even, and I could’ve lived forever in your company.
But under that facade you became an overpowering source 
of unhappiness in my life.
And I let you **** everything 
out of me for the longest time.
Then I realized there’s only so much a grain of sand can do for the entire ocean.
And I was just one minuscule fragment 
of sand in your eyes.
You were my ocean and I was always a million times inferior to you.
I don’t want to be your grain of sand anymore.
I will not let you drag me out 
to sea.