I’m teaching myself how to breath
I’d almost forgotten since for the last year you were both my lungs and the fresh air
You gave me wings to fly
But you cut them off at the first sign of trouble
Blood and feathers spread on the pavement
You bashed my soul in and cut all our ties
Every chance you got, you made broken promises
Of love and forever and future
Well **** your promises
And **** your love
I worked hard to tolerate your pain and your naïve-ness
I kept a roof over my own head
You were not my home
My heart may have longed for a place to belong but it was not looking for lies and deceit
You told me you were happy
That what we were doing was going to be forever
A love like no other
Until you torn us apart and ripped me from your life
It looks like I never existed
Like I never dedicated my heart, soul, and mind to you
My love and my lust
Your room barren of the promises I made
The imprint of my body where I once slept next to you, still visible to the naked eye
Who was I to you?
Did I even matter?
If I truly mattered like you sang to me night and night again
Then you wouldn’t have left me for dead
I would still have my wings and my heart
But here I am, barely holding on
All I have is the hope that one day you’ll see how much you mean to me
How I would move mountains and slay dragons for you love
Even though I hate you and wish plagues on you
There is no one else for me
No one else who I want to share my love and light with
No one but you

I want to be wild
I want to be tame
I want to break something, without taking the blame

I want to stay in my room
I want to be less alone
I want to go travel, without leaving home

I want to play by the rules
I want to start cheating
I want to get rest, without ever sleeping

I want to be drunk
I want to be sober
I want to grow up, without getting older

I want to keep it together
I want to keep crying
I want to be obedient, without really complying

I want to stay silent
I want to be heard
I want someone to talk to, without speaking a word

I want to starve myself
I want to keep eating
I want to be acquainted, without ever meeting

I want to stay single
I want to be married
I want to be in the ground, without being buried

I want to be feared
I want to be loved
I want to cut myself, without cleaning up blood

I want to get better
I want to stay ill
I want to stop hurting, without taking the pills

I want to be noticed
I want to be see-through
I want to want life, I don’t want to need to

I want to keep living
I want to just die
I want to say “hello”, without saying “goodbye”.

I’m a thief.

A criminal mastermind vying for all the affections of dead poets and living sociopaths

Watching flesh fall off of my fingertips and flutter to the floor.
Sewing on new skin like armor until a foreign face meets my eyes and smiles back

I’m in a perpetual state of identity crisis. I’m here and I’m there and I’ve be down while looking up and vice versa so many times
And so now my sense of direction has long rotted away and I’m left on my hands and knees sorting through the scattered remnants of me

And through it all, the rise and fall of an infinite wave whose name can be cleverly modeled on the back of a pill bottle, I still look down to the faded ink of a long-lost letter
It reads; “I swear I can be better”

And just when I look up to the moon for a cue on the tide’s change,
an anchor pulls me away and prepares my flooded lungs for another sorrow soaked day
So I guess I’ll stay

See, even now, schizophrenia might be preferable because at least then I could give the voices in my head a name and shed some of this blame on someone else

The only thing I really have left is my name

And even that is melting out through cracks in my closed fist because I held it too tightly against my burning heart 
Somewhere inside I always knew it belonged to someone else from the start

But I stole it.

Have you thought to check up on me?
Have you thought about me?
Have you left your own head?
Or are you leaving me for dead?

Life’s crazy, huh?
Full of false accusations
Just because you feel something doesn’t mean you’ll act on it
Sometimes it’s better to shove emotions into the darkest place in your mind

I hope for the best but expect the worst
Am I a realist?
Or depressed?
Or just seeking attention?

All things considered, I shouldn’t be here
My mother should have aborted me and lived her life
But now she has me
Gods, I’ve caused her so much pain

One of these days, I’ll have to courage
To cut slightly too deep
To jump off the ledge
To pull the trigger

But for now, I take my anger and emptiness out on my flesh
Gray creating red
Moonlight shining through my window
As I hide what I’ve done

It’s not like I’m ashamed
I just don’t want to disappoint them
Everyone thinks so highly of me
It’d be best if I just disappeared

Like I never existed

The red stains my clothes as it soaks through
Creating wet spots on a black surface
Wearing dark colors hides the blood
Hides my true emotions

My true intentions.

Stop the day, I want to get off
If you could see my face, you wouldn't scoff
Emotional discourse and violent pain
What I would do to start feeling sane
This is inhumane
I took your pills and slept and ate
I couldn't stop the coursing hate
The searing strings pull from my heart
Slowly tearing me apart
But freedom is so far away
And I cannot keep these tears at bay
With all these words I cannot say
while the mania gets to play
Nothing I do makes it sway
It's clung so tight to my chest
It's been so long since I could rest
I see no way out of this
as I fall down further into the abyss.
Man, I thought the depression was bad
I forgot all about the hold Bipolar had

bipolar dreams
you think you know about these things
how they go from right to left so seamlessly
how i go from up and down
and you’ll ever notice the change in the symphony
my instruments plays melancholy and the next a beautiful sunrise victory
some days i can laugh when nothing is in front of me
then another i'm crying until my heart atrophies

they put my on theses meds that made me my feel like my skin was crawling
my eyes appeared dry but i couldn’t stop from bawling
i feel like i have whiplash from a rollercoaster at six flags
its funny because when i'm manic my favorite color is yellow but when i'm sad its the most disgusting thing ive ever seen
i'm stuck living in these bipolar dreams
they say nothing is ever as it seems
but have you looked in the mirror and seen a black void where your brain should be
that your serotonin isn’t mixing with your dopamine

this is how your life is when your neurotransmitters don’t work properly

Lately it's been getting worse
Mood swings, the glitch in my brain
Lack of sleep, insomnia
Waking up to a snoring house
The fight between wanting more
And appreciation for what I have
Spinning round like a revolving door
Chaos dancing behind my eyes
Waiting for a fault to be exposed
It's happening again, I promise I've tried
Tried to keep this swinging door closed