(song lyrics)

i’m up so high
there’s no sky above me
i reach out my arms
i can touch the stars

and on the edge
looking down below me
i see the people
and how small we are

i’m falling down
from the ledge i’ve stood on
dropping fast
as i hit the ground

but i’ll come back
as a ghost, don’t worry
you won’t relax
i’ll make sure of that


i don’t think that i can die
i’ve tried already
but every time
i am still…
alive

i guess i’m stuck
not sure why i’m wanted
but i’m still here
i just don’t give a ****….

when blue skies turn to gray
and the clouds feel unbalanced from the season change
is what i believe stems from my depression

people tend to freeze in my lake of sorrow.
i ice skate above them for remembrance from the memories i borrowed.
it must’ve been a pleasure to get to know me.
soon enough, the sun will come out
and we’ll forget
i don’t believe that to be a bad thing.

when blue skies turn to gray
i find the color in between my fingertips as i’m stuck in bed
even if it’s gray outside
i’ll find a way to make it shine inside my head.

soon enough,
i’ll forget…
and i don’t believe that to be a bad thing.

soon enough.
Hopefully.

The world around me has become so loud,
Drowning out the sound of my existence,
As if I don’t exist at all.
I’m still there,
Ripples in the puddles I drown in,
Whispers of wind through trees I fall from,
A rotten fruit.
I’m hidden somewhere in the Earth,
Suffocating beneath the weight of the soil and my memories.
I don’t want them to go away,
I don’t want the pain of the past to leave me,
But it’s running down my legs,
A thick red liquid,
It’s infecting my dreams,
Smothering me with smoke.
I need it to be quiet,
Let me breathe.
The dull ache I’ve spent a lifetime keeping at bay,
Chained deep within my brain,
Rising to the surface,
Screeching along its tracks as it careens towards me.
I feel so small,
So fragile,
So weak.
I can’t hear myself think.

i know
there’s
a fire
inside
wanting so badly
to burn
but the desire
is placed
somewhere between
my sighs
and my
self-protective lies
keeping very little
in my heart
or my eyes

vacancy signs
constantly flashing
at
the rundown motel
i call
my mind
grasping so tightly
and hoping to find
someone
or
something
that will make me feel
alive
without
keeping me
confined

let’s hold hands
sometimes
and explore the world
and each other
and ourselves
and our lives
and what they could be
while we learn
as much as we can
and we find a place
that feels like home
instead of just
existing
before we let
our worlds end

there is this itch
in my brain
constantly trying
to steer me
in the wrong
direction
as i try
to find my way around

there’s a whisper
in my ear
breathing softly
and telling me
what move
to make next
and it’s always
so difficult
to decide when
to listen

how many things
in this life
have i
been missin’?
just because i
thought
i was
being
“good”

i often
live in the clouds

i’m up there
in space
floating above
everything
i try to know
but being
unable
to reach it

i’m always either
too high
or
too low
and there’s so much
that i’ll never know
or touch
there are
countless places
i’ll never go

but i hope
that
at
least
once
you can be
something
real with me
so we can experience
life
and
dreams
and tangle them up
into one
in the same
making up
our own new name
for what it’s like
to be a “person”
in this world

i have
often tried
to be
somebody

feeling
a subconscious
need to compete
with those
around me

constantly being told
i was
not desired
for what i was
or what
i ever could be

i always
felt like
the sore thumb
amongst my friends

the dumb one
who said
and did things
that didn’t make sense
to anyone
and just made them
want to turn
and run

i have always tried to blend in
but in tiny bits
with little chuckles
and
false grins
forever living
in confusion
and unsure
of what could
and should
happen

i’m just
a dumb bunny
hoping to be
funny
and trying
to quit dying
and maybe one day
be
somebunny

Arlo Disarray ©

Monday night my head spins
Reality and fiction sunken in
Sugar rush tires me but keeps me
Awake, I whirl in everlasting anxiety
I am panicking, how much time do we have
Left, something’s not
Right, my brain is shutting
Down, deeper into knots of
Self-doubt as if someone enabled
Occlusion culling, why can’t I see?
What’s in store for me? I can’t?
See what? Is in front of me?

suffocated
by a strange
and dreamlike
state

unable
to breathe
because
is air even real,
anyway?

the ground
below
is made of
rubber
and i bounce
a bit
with every step

the sky above
is made of water
and when
i reach up,
i get wet

everything feels
thick
and dense
in front of me
like i can
barely even move

the light outside
is barely bright
and my mind
is so easy
to lose

a heart
that desires
so badly
to be free

a mind
that never
knows
just how it
should be

a head
that’s
much, much
too big
that
no
protective
headgear
can ever fit

two eyes
that are
sometimes
filled with
the entire world
oceans
mountains
and trees
birds
and flowers
and
angry bees
but sometimes
these
eyes
are
vacant
trying their best
not to hold
anything close
to
the chest
not to let
any feelings
or people
nest

a person
or something
trying to
resemble one

afraid to
hold anything close
terrified to let
anything
go
wanting
to explore
the world
but too scared
to be
anything
other
than
a
pathetic
little
girl

a body
a shell
a nightmare,
a living hell
a no one
a nothing
just
crying
and
cussing
and
hoping
for
something…

there will not be
     enough space
on the epitaph,
      on the tombstone
of my life,
     to recall any words
that have drowned
     in the pit
of
my
throat.

speak, fool. speak.