drown
the human body is made up of water
more than half obviously
I guess that's why I always feel like im
drowning
in silence
all alone I'm,
sinking all the way to the bottom without realizing

today I drank my coffee alone
they sky was grey
it was neither hot nor cold
the cafe was noisy
and my latte was strong

today I briefly felt alive
a stranger talked to me
he was Hungarian,
but nice
we had a laugh
and I looked over his CV

today I was in town
and the barista smiled at me

my hair was messy
my brain was foggy
but we had a good time
I, my coffee and me.

i’ve been stuck
and you’re here.
your silky clothes,
your gentle understanding.
does the night seem heavy to you?
does it make you die inside?
does it make your bones shake
and your heart ache?
does the day take its toll,
leaving you an empty shell?
does it bring sadness in its arms?
does it leave hope dead in your yard?
all i’ve known is the void,
a sizable gap inside of my body,
a place no one dares to explore.
how am i stuck in a rotting bed,
in a world that’s unforgiving but won’t take the blame?
what will i do when the branches i climb collapse
and break these legs of mine?
fragile limbs.
frost bite.
what will you do
when the hole in my heart gets bigger
and i cannot hold it inside of me anymore?
if you cradle me, like the baby, the child i once was,
will i see my parents in your eyes?
will all this confusion make it even clearer
that your strength will carry me out of the deepest ditch?
my limbs are failing.
will you lift me to bed when i cannot climb the stairs?
lay me to rest, away from all the pain
and suffering in the living room
making jokes at someone else’s expense.
no one ever asks me to stay.



but you do.
you always do.

i was never what you truly wanted, i was just someone to look to.
look for me on the road
either scattered or waving hesitantly,
warm sunlight beaming down upon my shoulders.
you were what i truly wanted, i was just too scared to tell you.
deathly afraid you’ll see how much you mean to me
and then you’ll disappear into the corpse of our love.
i’m so terrified to tell you,
so sick of being unsure.
sick of being second;
all i want is to be heard.
and if you do not adore me
how will this all go?
when i love you till i’m dying quick,
how fast will you hold me?
oh, how fast you know me.
when no one quite understands,
i hear your voice and smile,
wishing you would speak to me,
i haven’t seen you in a while.
i’m always second pick
i’m sick of being pushed to the side
i miss you—i miss us.
i miss every conversation.
every contemplation of whether i’m in love with you,
every expectation you had of me,
every quiet moment where i didn’t feel like exploding.
i wonder if you know that you know me better than anyone.
i wonder if you know you’re all i think about when i’m lonely.
i wonder if you know i love you.

It’s the moments when I feel most alone
That I wish you were here

But mostly the moments where I’m surrounded by people
But I can’t seem to talk

You know
People are selfish
And they continue to hurt me
And you could say why not talk to them?
Explain or try?
There's never a point
In trying

They'll start denying
They'll start crying
To your face
While lying
Never making
A real effort
Never bothering
they can't afford
To change

Selfish in exchange
For my hurt feelings
Every single person.
I was born too kind
That's my issue
And it's not
Some kind of self pity
Tissue

It's true
I am not perfect
By no means
I've hurt others
Who didn't deserve it
I've made amends
I made effort
showed changed behavior
showed I savor
Making them
Feel better

Nobody
Does the same
Every one is to blame
Small or big
They hurt me
With a grin
They are selfish
Careless
And
Inconsiderate
I'm so tired
I might consider it

Being alone
Letting my anger show
Telling them all where
To ******* go
Letting go
For once
Not being nice
Being selfish
Like every other
*******
Guy

How can you all lie?
How can you all say you try?
And deny
With such a look
In your eye
You don't mean it
You cut me
I'm still bleeding

You are all wielding
The knife
This cold little life
You all play
Like it's a game
You're never to blame

Look inward
You selfish little flames
Burning out soon
Like a lying
Cheating groom
Figuring out
Your next
Move

Look inward
And see
Being selfish
acting carelessly
Gets you nowhere
Well maybe in this life
It'll get you somewhere
Desire is like fire you know
It burns out
Ashes are cold
And alone

So wherever you think you'll go
Remember you reap what you sow
You all told me I'm hard to hold
No,
I think it's you
You're all
Going to be
Lost in the cold

Never looking twice
At your own
Souls

My pillow is my silent guide,
A therapist where fears confide.
In moments when my heart's on fire,
I scream into its cotton spire.

It muffles all my ragged cries,
Absorbing every tear that dries.
A sanctuary soft and near,
It holds my pain, my darkest fear.

No judgment in its tender folds,
Just comfort that it gently holds.
When life is more than I can bear,
My pillow’s always waiting there.

A witness to my sleepless nights,
It knows my lows, it feels my heights.
In muffled screams, in quiet weep,
My pillow grants me peaceful sleep.

need a friend?
the doubts live inside of me like citizens
that walk slowly in courthouses ready to sue.
all their passions are out of wack,
they only know how to survive by shooting down others.
every hollow house i was led to, hand in hand,
as i trusted you to guide me.
i need a friend.
i need the fever, the fire, the rage, the shooting star, the red seething blood.
any warmth to remind myself of tenderness,
even if it is without at the core.
i need anticipatory silence, waiting your filthy hands to slap the dinner table and i rush to clean the shattered plates.
don’t hurt me,
be gentle,
don’t make me smaller.
make me smaller,
make me writhe,
make me smaller,
quieter, less of a burden.
be responsive,
make me spill.
i need a friend.
the panic has large hands that choke me,
has a large frame to push me deep
and never lift me out.
though, i will not make do with violence,
i am not silent when it comes to love that festers.
need a friend?
the breaths i take will be for you.
the day is wicked
and you are so tender,
i would like this meal to be filling,
i would like you to stay a while.