Sitting in a darkened bar
Ten dead soldiers in a row
My bladder was now screaming
It's time for you to go

I ordered up another drink
Left my seat, went down the hall
And on my way back to the bar
I saw a number on the wall

Help...it said, is close, close by
It's nearer than you think
Call, the number that you see
Before you order your next drink

I thought, it doesn't make much sense
I've got my life under control
I haven't bottomed out quite yet
I'm only half way down the hole

Four more drinks and then again
I stumbled down the hall
And coming back, I once more read
The notice on the wall

Help...it said, is close, close by
It's nearer than you think
Call, the number that you see
Before you order your next drink

I put a dime into the payphone
I thought I'd give it one good try
Before I hit rock bottom
I'd call them up or else I'd die

A friendly voice responded
"out of service...try again"
I laughed at this short message
Then I tried it once again

I checked the number on the notice
Dialed it, and then I heard
the message "out of service"
I laughed at every word

It seems that "out of service"
Was a title I should hold
After all I was a soldier
Out of work, and drunk, and cold

Those three words, they described me
"Out of service" , right bang on
No one cared that I was falling
Who would notice when I'm gone?

I went back to my barstool
Downed my drink and got one more
I thought, I'd better have another
Before I stumbled out the door

Before I went, I ventured
To the jukebox, checked for change
The sign said "out of service"
I thought that that was strange

Twice now, "out of service"
In a message sent to me
Was I truly worth redemption
A hopeless case for all to see

I figured that tomorrow
If I found I woke up dead
"out of service" were the last words
That were emblazoned in my head

I went back to the barkeep
Ordered one more for the road
Then I downed another soldier
"out of service" number stowed

I'd laugh on this tomorrow
If I made it through this night
I was truly "out of service"
I need help to find the light.

The first glass was smiles,
He’d tell us that he loved us
Or that we made him proud
Warm glow from the fire reflected the sloshing contents of his drink on the walls
A blurred dance of celestial lines and shapes.
We took in his light like the inhale of a breath,
Feeling so glad to have earned his praises.

Fifth glass was slurred words
Crawling from the corners of his mouth like a rat escaping a sewer,
The smiles were gone.
We stood still with anxious ticks unfolding before us
Afraid of what would happen if we were to speak
The fire was fading, the dance nearing an end

Glass eight brought anger
Shouts spiraled from his chest, a tornado that we couldn’t cross
Words flew by us,
Glasses flew by us,
Fists flew by us.
Too scared to move, our backs pressed against the wall
We tried our best to disappear
I closed my eyes and held my hands together hoping that the small amount of pressure would be enough to make him lay his hands on someone else that night

Twelfth glass brought sleep.
With his body still we could move again,
His neck crooked to the side, an empty glass in his hand.
No liquid left to reflect.
A sleeping serpent laying in the center of his destruction
Broken glasses and thrown picture frames at his feet,
It became hard to believe he had caused this a moment ago

Now seven years later I find myself at a party
The bass so loud I could feel my body shake,
Red cup in my hand, liquid sloshing with familiarity
Without a pause I am drinking one glass,
Then two,
Then three,
I wonder how I let myself become the thing I fear most like a reverse metamorphosis into my childhood,
And now when I look in the mirror I don’t see me,
I’m stuck looking into his lifeless eyes
And I don’t know how I can change this,
How can I run when the monster resides inside of me?
I don’t know how I can separate myself from him when every time I see a drink I hear my mother’s scream
Blurred images of memory and reality surround me and I am once again too afraid to move
Back pressed against the wall, hands pressed together.
I am my childhood nightmares,
Completing the cycle and making ends meet
Once again I am back in that trailer and I wonder if I ever left

i knew that i was in love when it broke my heart to see you hurt
i knew that i was in love when it killed me inside to watch you waste away your life
i know that i am in love with you,
because love still remains
despite all of your bad parts

Confessions of a former drug addict

I was an alcoholic
Did drugs into the night
I started at 11
Did anything in sight
'Til my brain was addled
I wasn't very bright
Soul sickness was my problem
Did not know wrong from right
But Jesus healed my spirit
I finally saw the light

I started as a bartender
For my family do's
I catered to their parties
And I began to use
I served up martinis
They could not refuse
Made 'em good and strong
Began with one or two
Soon I became drunk
And started to abuse

Then I did white crosses
Marijuana trees
I did angel dust
Also known as ***
No ******* or ******
But I did LSD
Discovered yellow jackets
And drank peyote tea
I couldn't ever get enough
And that was all for me
At 14 years old
It was catastrophe
Then I found religion
Known as Scientology
It was total *******
But I finally broke free!

I went for years not drinking
Had no acid trips
I loved a natural high
And no drug passed my lips
But life has twists and turns
Much pain and great hardship
I had to run away
Just took a couple sips
Embarked upon a journey
On substance abuse ships

I finally found the needle
******. *******.
I preferred the uppers
Manic highs obtained
I found I could not get away
And so my soul was stained

Then I started smoking it
I liked that best of all
It was like the peak of bliss
That high I still recall
But with every High
There's always a hard fall

I tried Scientology
The SRF and more
But my soul was very sick
Rotten to the core
I was finally Shipwrecked
On a hostile shore
I tried AA and Rehab
But they could not restore
Beaten down to nothing
I was finally floored

Then I met my Jesus
And I was so inclined
To go to church 3 times a week
And the Spirit shined
Gave water to my thirsty soul
My very bones aligned
He restored my body
And He restored my mind
When I finally broke free
Of the religious grind
No matter how the roads will turn
How they wend and wind
I have seen the valley
Mountains I have climbed
Now I know within my soul
His Mercy I will find

And so Jesus saved me
It happened overnight
I woke up a different person
With the strength to fight
I have new eyes to see now
He's restored my sight
No longer in deep Darkness

I have seen the light!*


SoulSurvivor
(C) 9/3/2016

what do you do
when the person you love
chooses alcohol
over you?

In my youth, I came across an intoxicating friend
As quick as tiger, my friend emerged to my best
Never one without the other, permanently in my hand
My best friend guided me through life, momentarily erased the problems I had
My best friend unlocked my happiness, then allured it in a jar
Only to be released in vehemence, which mutated into truth
The truth haunted my family’s soul, I moaned secrets of antagonism never to be told
My mind went to war, my friend was getting old
but I was in too deep and couldn’t let go
I craved it’s company, the feeling it gave
But it lead me to destruction, depression and hate.
The people that cared, begged me to release
But it was out of grasp, out of my reach
Soon they let go, something I was ******* to
Now I was the one, shadowed by the truth.

As I tumbled down the lane, with a bottle in my hand
I was immune to pain, felt no blood in my veins.
Goose bumps replaced the ragged clothes that barely covered my skin
A ghost blurred my vision, but opened my eyes to sin
I only saw a jigsaw of contention, a forest of grief
Then I blacked out, my once best friend killed me.

I awoke in a daze, but new life set ablaze in my heart
The ghost floated away, and at last I saw the light
The shadows dropped and a refreshed beginning was in sight
The alcohol was no friend of mine, it stole my time to realize
I gazed at my friend, and softly smiled
This newfound enemy was condemned to die
With a smash of a bottle, a break of a heart
A splash of disease, a pool of blood
A life soon to be forgotten and a new life soon to be remembered.

Why would I drink from a glass
When the bottle is just as good
One of those insane questions
Anyone would if they could

Why would I put the cork back
When there's something left to drink
Yeah I can take another
And I don't care what you think

Why would I have just the one
When two or three is better
It's not like I'm off the rails
Like some crazy jet setter

Why would I want to stop now
When the party has just begun
Hold on for a wild evening
I'm going to have me some fun

Why would I want to go on
When the fun is clearly over
I have left a trail of chaos
Everyone has run for cover

You look at me like I'm nuts
If only you could understand
It's all way out of control
Up there and no place to land

So please let me down gently
From this my jumping off place
I don't want to live like this
With tomorrows I can't face

I need to find an answer
Something to calm my mad head
Won't somebody come save me
Or I'm going to wind up dead

Regressing into happenstance
I grasped the Rabbit in my hand
One sip I took, upon a chance
Off the edge, into quicksand. . .

Blacking out on your front lawn
On the ground, where you could stand
Can’t remember dusk or dawn,
Sinking fast into quicksand.