I'm afraid of loneliness and people.

I’m rocking back and forth against the hull of my loneliness,
Stuck in knowing it’s goodbye
But not being able to say I love you
or I’m sorry.
I’m crying with joy and longing as I lie in the love and conversation around me,
Wishing it were mine.
I’ve been high so long my heart rate stopped going down with the sun.
Going over it all all over again all the time.
I feel like a child again, terrified by the the dark, the wind, the eyes of men.
I’m breaking down in the line at the gas station.
Looking out the glass wall at a Lovecraftian highway,
Flickering florescent lights like the ones from The Exorcist.
On my way to a cavernous husk of a family dinner,
Most of them gone now.
Just me, my mother, and my widowed, bereaved, great aunt.
There’s a stupid old cardboard cutout of a mascot next to me grinning too widely, holding up its product.
I scream and tear it’s head off it’s body
In my mind.
I have work on Monday.
This is life.

does a sacred stone
still retain its worth
if it was never taken
from it’s hidden earth?
could it truly be
a treasure trove
if no one sees
its alluring glow?
-
is my mind right to tell me
that invisibility doesn’t cause irrelevance?
or is that just a way to cope with
the ever feared unfounded-forgotten-pestilence

im scared
ive barricaded my door
cried a river into my floor
someone save me

im scared
i thought i was strong enough to be on my own
but now i'm afraid to be in my own home
someone please save me

here we know the teeth
here we show the marks
from lying underneath
what wants us in the dark
 
you shame and curse my name
in safety of the day
then pull your velvet drapes
and beg for me to stay
 
we claw and gnash in heat
and tear at tired skin
through bone
and blood
and meat
to taste the drug within
 
others cannot sleep
we bend against these walls
we grow
and swell
and creep
our scent hangs in the halls
 
you cry for noise and rain
to wash away your fear
you kiss your saint of pain
and drink her ivory tears
 
refuse all gods and kings
and move across my floor
you are my everything,
my queen, my child, my *****
 
press your hips to earth
reveal the peace within
begin the warm rebirth
of flesh
of life
of sin

i heard a distant thunder
acknolgment of truth
it called me to make a wonder
from memories of youth

sat upon the stairs afraid
heard a painful cry
asking for assistance
i sat upon the stairs afraid

Sometimes, I think I feel too much, like I crossed into a world of shadows; like there's been some kind of mistake.
Life seems to sharp, to vivid,
too right there in my face.
I feel like a stranger.  It's as if I were on a bus, and out of the tinted windows, things looked vaguely familiar. I pull the string and get off.
It's the wrong stop, it's the wrong world. The bus has disappeared;
there's no way home.  I used to stand on a bridge that a river flowed under. And off in the distance, high atop the ash trees, the eagles were nesting. They were so beautiful and serene.
I can't watch them anymore. It breaks my **** heart to see all the concrete and construction inch closer and closer to the little slice of heaven they found in a piece of nature
that seemed vaguely
familiar.

There they were…
Lying on the bed, with her head resting below his shoulder, listening to his heart beat, and praying it never stops.
One leg draped over him, as if she was afraid he’d free from her embrace. As though her leg, a restraint, holding him in place, keeping him from leaving.
Her arm resting on his body with her hand on his chest.
There they were…
The safest place she could think of.
Her favorite place to be.
She was with him.
Their love, shielding them from the chaos of the outside world, while she silently worries, that he’ll someday leave.
He notices, and reassures her… he’s here to stay.
“He’s here to stay!” She thinks to herself. She’d finally won the fight against her own mind.
He said it himself! He won’t leave!
She could finally feel at peace.
His reassurance and validation was all she needed to believe.
And just like that, she could finally sleep. See… he made her feel safe.
He said “Let me love and protect you! That is the job I want!”
So she let her walls crumble, opened the door, and she let him step in.
He dusted the cobwebs, and drew back the drapes. He painted the walls and straightened the frames. He fixed the creaky doors and floors, and mended broken shelves. He brought light to the darkness, and color to the grey.
He even bought flowers for the empty vase, that had seen better days.
He just strolled in, and he made it a home suited for two.
He said “no more need for walls” and he put in a sparkling moat. “You’re safe with me, you can rest and unload.”
She didn't yet know, that what she’d need protecting from, was him.
For when he’d rip it all away.
He loves her.
He loved her.
Up until one day…
And there they were.
Both, unaware and unafraid.

fear,
an emotion i feel
on a daily basis
looking such a human
in the emerald eyes—
terrifying

they like my hair
the curls, the waves
the volume, the aliveness
but i can’t help but
tiptoe over the thought
that
the fondness of it
is disguised hatred…
fear

melancholy, but alone
oxymorons to me
being melancholy and
alone do not exist together
but somehow
when they all leave
my side like blurry ghosts
the sadness creeps up
slowly, painfully, brutally…
fear

the anxiety inside of me
fueled by gasoline
fires on my tongue
buildings dilapidated
lava flows softly
in a thunder city…
fear

children and their
dreams vigorous with
marzipan and cherries
their fake hair
and fake bodies
and overestimated “sorrow”
their heels snap on the floor
like cinderella i sweep
the dirt off the tiles
as they whisper delightfully
about the ball in
a nearby castle…
fear

oh, to be a swan
to swim in streams
that invite me
to glide in waters
that embrace me—
hunters!
they must have seen
our pure white glossy
feathers from afar
do you hear that noise?
heaven sakes, he’s
been shot…
fear

oh, to have a swan funeral
wearing our hearts
on our wings
fly away friend,
go join the sparrows
and doves
and peacocks in
Heaven
i wish i could join you
i’m alone and melancholy
down here where the hunters
roam
where the apple trees
are seasonal
and not forevermore
meet me,
but i doubt you will
given your circumstance
compared to mine…
fear