Thought I could stop writing this poetry.
Guess I was wrong, it helps open me
Up to my feelings, and new ways of seeing.
Different ways of being.

It’s a great escape,
From reality’s terrible wake.
Allows me to contemplate
Just how I feel and what’s important and real.

I never knew what pain was
Until I felt the sting of withdrawal
That's the kind of hurt that can cause
The strongest toughest man to fall

That's why I would do anything
Just to taste another hit
That is the biggest reason why
It's impossible to quit

I know that it's pure evil
It's poison but it brings me peace
Causes so many problems
But **** I love that sweet release

I spend all the money I have
On a vice that I despise
This love-hate relationship
Will surely be my demise

Too broke to go to rehab
Or support this habit
If I knew what would help
I would reach out and grab it

I become lost and hopeless
I want so badly to heal
But I'm always trapped by
This sickness that I feel

I used to look into mirrors
And see a smile there
Hating my reflection has
Replaced my smile with a glare

Is there any way to change?
Or is it already too late?
The worst part of this gutter?
I created my own fate

If I could go back in time
And do things right instead of wrong
I would never let this
Awful drug string me along

******, you've got me
Im addicted, bound to your high
But I swear I am trying with
all my strength to say goodbye

The choice to stop was mine.
The addiction itself was a different story.
Doctors don't write prescriptions for this kind of stuff.
The cold sweats associated with anger.
The beginning is the hardest part.
Admitting temptation.
I was addicted.
The situation had ended but I kept obsessing.
Knowingly risking health.
The way you feel, the way you taste.
I couldn't afford to lose you as well as myself in the process.
Properly insuring another substance for another.
The cost of Medicare.
It was my decision, my choice.
Your voice a constant peer pressure of finding bliss.
If only for a minute.
At some point I ignored my own voice.
Reaching for you again.
I acknowledge that it was my responsibility.
Blaming everything around me, even you.
In this brief moment, common sense wasn't so common.
Not anymore.
Forgetting that actions have consequences.
For every second I ignore you.
You whine, you cry.
Becoming my chronic illness.
The enabler to what ever complaint.
It's hard to quit.
Finding every excuse except the right one.
She was the highway.
I was the traveler.
Weary in search of exit.
This road becoming longer and longer.
The lights becoming more and more distant.
Each exit in-between stops having fewer establishments.
Additional signs appearing with more temptation.
The cold sweats are back, this anxiousness to reach for something that I know isn't there.
This addiction to hold you, crave you, taste you.
This urge to love you as much as I did.
This persistent itch that I can't live without you.
Doctors don't write prescriptions for this kind of stuff.
The warning labels causing more harm than good.
Reminiscing on times that I shouldn't.
The choice to stop was mine.
To love someone that doesn't love you back

(gulp)

Couldn’t resist a minute more.

Relapse.

I again…

After six months sober...

Here.

In this pain I know all too well.

Ten years lost to this drug my veins ache for.

First breath in the morning and last thought at night, all consumed by it.

Every cell in me craves it.

That physical euphoria my body portraits.

Feels like someone has poured pure joy into every single muscle and fiber of my being.

It makes me feel so content

Every single bit of me is singing and buzzing with life and love.

It's like the ecstasy of *******— that first blissful, pleasurable pulsation of endorphins and serotonin.

This is what I feel when I first take LOVE.

And then...

And then, the honeymoon stage is over.

Fights erupt.

Never-ending debates.

Miscommunications.

Misperceptions.

No trust.

Accusations.

Lies.

“I’m done...”

…

Again, it feels like a part of my soul is leaving my body.

Again, sitting here numb.

A toxic love...

I’m addicted to,

And there’s no way around it.

It’s already deep intertwined with my veins.

Yet, no matter the toxic, tragic event that happened before, I sit here, and I want nothing more than to spend my life next to this soul.

To see his eyes unchanged as the skin around it wrinkles and grows old is what my heart will always desire— to stare at those eyes for the rest of eternity.

Dead air…


















So here I’ll wait, until you decided to come into my life again and repeat this déjà vu.

Sweet & delicate.
Warm to the taste. The thought alone drives me insane.
Before I can finish one I am already reaching for another one.
I am not myself.
I am addicted to the sensation. Each tender morsel, every crumb that follows.
I need you now, I need you now.
This never ending addiction that propels to new heights.
Your mouth dissolves into mine.
This psychedelic euphoria of transcendence.
There is no jar or wrap or plastic that can keep me away from you.
Your love is all I need.
All I crave. All I could ever phantom. There is no hiding me from you.
No twelve step program that could ever be created by man.
Even my WiFi adores you.
Holding each and every one of your cookies.
I long to devour each and every part of you.
There is no one part of you that is better than the next.
I am desperately ever so devoted to you.
My single reason for living