My darling.
How exquisite it is that we happen
To exist in the same dimension.
I suppose tonight is one where the emptiness
Has begun its gradual descent
Choosing to take my feelings with it.
How do I feel? Well, I certainly wish that
You could be lying next to me to comfort me
While I float to the endless bottom of this abyss.
I wish for a night with your presence
So close that I can see the graceful
Rise and fall of your chest signaling
The constant of life that we all know as breathing.
But when the trivial task is completed by you
The world in my eyes seems to play in slow motion.
Utterly fascinated by your inner workings and inhibitions.
What ethereal source have you successfully stolen,
To channel the charisma overflowing within your personality
I wonder if you’re aware of your prominent title as my inspiration.
You have a way with the universe that I crave to imitate.
Or perhaps just to steal for a temporary bliss.
If you were next to me, there would be no reason for my
Uncontrollable fear, your wisely crafted logic would leave it behind.
Perhaps the allure is found beyond the masquerade.
The night sky reflects the mystique of your appeal.
Here’s to a beautiful eternity, may it never fade.
May the forever’s be found in the way we feel.

There's a storm coming.
Within hours, its arrival will go unannounced
But the few who are destined for the change
Can feel it brewing just under the surface
Between the quiet conversations
A constant hum, a reminder of the forgotten
Continues to pulse through the veins
Silence, floating above the metropolis
Ready to blanket the movement in a suffocating still
The forces of the unknown act swiftly, careful in its oblivion
Truth be told, there is some quality to having something to hold on to.
Something to tether you back to reality,
It gives you assurance that this life is more than just a simulation
Hope of the possibility to slowly pass through the barren wastelands of this
Technological underdevelopment.
The world has seemingly lost its value
Let the storm wipe out what is left of this society.
The few who were meant to be will remain.
I'm ready for the shift for nothing to be the same.

i have anxiety
undiagnosed.
well that’s not true i’ve been to therapists, psychologists.
many, so many doctor appointments.
i have old medications for it, i haven’t kept up with
i don’t like the way they force my brain
to conform to the usual and to feel a certain way

sometimes it feels like my head is stuffed with an overflowing amount of crumpled paper *****
piling up crowding the available space in my frontal lobe
the things i never said, the things i should have never said,
the things that someone never said to me.
that special someone that holds hands with the prettier girl
about two feet away from me.
she’s a better fit for you. i guess
the grade that i got on my last math test but really don’t care about
because by this point i’m habituated to the sting of failure.
i sit in my room and cry by myself because my nerves feel like they are ripping apart
or maybe it’s the sensation of exploding
similar to the creation of a star, or i guess in my case,
the painful closure of a life well lived.
of a time far too stressed.

my brain feels very full while simultaneously existing almost on empty.
i wake up from a drowsy late afternoon depression nap with
my neurons firing too fast for me to catch up with and a weirdly powerful
and persevering sense of anger or maybe it’s frustration.
i feel like i’m stuck in a crevasse between the cliffs of successful and beautiful
but maybe i’ve always been here
living in the pits of my insanity stuck under the weights of my anxiety

all of these things are written on these crumpled pieces of paper
there are so many of them, i used to be in control, not anymore
the world feels as if it’s tumbling out of my hands
rolling down the hill and crushing my motivation with it
there are so many things on my mind
right now that no more would be able to fit 
in my brain, it’s overcrowded like an LA rush hour
with time speeding by, with me just sat there working from my tower.

i have reached maximum capacity
and yet i can't stop thinking things,
i can't stop saying stupid things,
i can't stop wishing things. 
i sigh, i reach up to my forehead and i swipe away remnants of exhaustion
and bend down to pick up my backpack that weighs far more than it should
with my shaky hands caused by a high intake of caffeine
that i now require just to stay awake in class
i’m tired but as i sit here avoiding responsibilities
and the anxiety that often travels along with it

i'm hoping that one day when i get to this place
of unbearable tensions in my shoulders
and stress that pulls the insanity directly from my mind
that translates to unrelenting tears falling from my eyes.
the top of my head will crank itself open
and all of these crumpled pieces of thoughts and worries
will pour out into a neat little pile
on the floor 
and disappear
at least for just a while.
that would be nice.
as my arms let go and the tension falls away along with my body
letting go of the stress and the pressures of
holding those pillars together
and fall through the sky
just so i have enough time to
take a truly deep breath.

here’s to a peaceful ending,
a crumbled paper ball fate.

Our unappreciated saviors of the world reside among the clouds.
A fitting tribute to my arrival, the clouds fell to the floor.
They guided my way and kept my toes warm.
I hear the darkness festering at my heels, trying to catch my eye.
The sounds were subtle but relentless as they continued to expand.
Larger and larger they grew, proceeding to overwhelm all corners of my mind.
Stripped away from my shaking hands, I no longer hold command.
I urge my brain to ignore them but they distract me evermore.
Like the beautiful whispering of the leaves as they left their home.
Never to return, they remind me of a place where I loved to roam.
I long for a sense of where I belong.
Aimlessly wandering is exhausting beyond description.
Burning to the ground, my lover was dead amongst the dust.
My world stopped spinning.
Close your eyes and count to ten. Goodbye my little friend.
One… Three… Seven… Eight… Ten…
For as long as I will live, I will be haunted by my regrets and mistakes.
The day that I left the kingdom of peace, the glass shattered.
The clouds returned to the sky, and the world that was shared was between only my sister and I.

Snow falls quickly and harshly to the ground.
Sort of how your fist grazed my face earlier.
I place a cigarette up to my lips and take a deep inhale,
Instantly the nicotine begins to course through my veins
I’m praying to the gods that this love doesn’t fail.
As I feel the memories escaping my brain.
The mirror last night told me that you were lying.
So, I smashed it into a million pieces, falling to the floor.
The entire process was almost strangely gratifying.
The glass is stained with a dark reddish hue.
It’s my blood that protects our apartment.
Because I know your girlfriends certainly will, not.
I’m seeking those beautiful nights
With your arms lovingly wrapped around my waist
Instead of your forceful hands throwing me onto the bed.
Loneliness stings more than your foolish ways.
I repeat this over and over again.
The shadows of our love hang heavy and low.
As if it has already evaporated from this moment.
You have pushed me to the breaking point.
To an alleyway outside in the cold.
Where I give in and take puffs of a single cigarette
The choking and coughing feels so far from elegant
But by this point I don’t give a ****.
I need something to cope with the pain
Something to erase your name
Anything to get you out of my brain.
The smoke that falls out of my mouth
Peacefully disrupts the cold bitter attitudes.
I spend this time kissing a final farewell
To the innocence that used to exist.
My heart aches wholly for the girl that
Used to believe in a love like this.
I know you are cheating, lying, behind my back
But instead of screaming and crying.
I take a deep breath.
You never deserved the love I so freely gave to you.
So, I try to walk away. But it’s no use.
I’m called again to your side, to your bed.
Without a single breath, you lie to me as if I mean nothing.
As if I’m worth nothing.
I’m starting to believe, and to fall again.
Who is going to pick up the broken pieces of my heart?
I dream of the day that your door slams
A day where we no longer exist.
Where the fire that burned for so long has finally been extinguished
As I throw the stub of my cigarette to the floor
I dream of the day that I grow a semblance of a backbone.
The world around me blurs into vision that hazy and blue
I just want to leave and to experience life on my own.
But maybe leaving you is a fate that’s too good to be true.