i began to eat again.
i haven't told anyone.
no one really noticed anyways.
my hands didn't shake or turn the small packet of goldfish around to see the calories.
i felt okay eating them.
i ate all of it.

getting home,
i feel hungry.
and now,
i eat.
without guilt, without shame.
no small voice in my head tells me how big i am or how disappointed i should be in myself.

i take a deep breath if the voice comes back,
close my eyes and chew.
chew until i feel okay to swallow.

today,
i'm eating.
and tomorrow,
i will again.

"where are you right now?",
she asked me looking straight into my eyes.
i felt like i could cry in this moment.
i didn't know where  i was.
although you were right in front of me,
you sounded far away.
"bring yourself back."
i felt myself slipped more and more away,
my existence and sense of reality melting from my fingertips while my mind stayed,
stayed here.

you are the outside of my box,
the voice outside of my head.

those three words feel like home and these eggshells aren't as scary and
in fact, they're imaginary.

it's late nights. squeaks. bears. bad jokes. good jokes. impersonations. i love you's and i love you more's. reading you poetry. cheeks turning red and me covering my face even though you can't see it. coming down together and then sighing together, "i love you".
7am crying together of one of the most beautiful moments in life.

he was right, there are voices outside of my head too and yours beat mine like a marching drum.
"i love you, i love you!"
tiptoeing and eyeing down every move,
you smiled every time i inspected your brain
and
hi, yes, is there something wrong with me for how calm i can be about all of this?

every night you grabbed me from each side of my face,

and no, no, there's nothing wrong with me.

this is trust, this is loving, this is love,
this is new!
i forced myself to break the cycle and i thought breaking down my walls would force me to meet .... something else, someone else.
but it's you,
it's you!

i looked at you like i'm new to this and i am and am not.
you see, this heart has been passed around like friends chain smoking outside of a bar;
smaller than before, more beaten than before, everyone taking their turn.

but, i'm not that cigarette everyone takes a drag from anymore,
i'm not broken, you taught me this.

now you're sleeping on the other side as i watch the sky turn from black to blue to yellow to Us.
and i'm learning and you tend to this bruised heart even when you're not around. it beats for everyone but tonight, it's for you.

i miss you by the way, i know i told you a few hours ago but i'm telling you again how when you talk it looks like the sun shining through a tree's branches. and when we tell each other those three words, i feel secure and it's true. this is all true and new.

this is healing. this is stepping away from everything but what we are Together.

i can hear your breathing slow down as you drift away and i can hear the birds chirping outside. i'm tired and sleepy but this moment is too beautiful, this moment of pure love and pure joy.

this is healing, this is love.

my life feels out of my hands,
being handed over to a fate that i Know how it ends.
the tears rolling down my face feel like rain pouring on a driving car.
it all feels so suffocating.
they all lied when they told me things would change.
do you remember how i was when i was a kid?
my hands never shook and i would go to sleep peacefully.
do you remember that?
please tell me how it feels like to graduate,
those feelings for me seem impossible now.
this sadness is never going away.
i'm at the bottom of an ocean where it's dark and cold.
chained at the bottom,
there is no light.

i looked back at everything that i've written,
out of curiosity.
it's all so different.
every month brought something new or carried something old.
i almost left,
so many times.
but i'm here.
i made it,
almost.
i've almost made it.

growing hurts sometimes.
i want you by my side but you can't be here.
you aren't good for me and that hurts too.

dear my beloved,

i'm writing to you now to say goodbye.
the pain has gotten too much and i wish to run away,
again.
for if we come across each other in the future naturally,
i ask you to hug me and hold me close.
lord knows i need it.

perhaps you can't find me,
i'll be in paris.
every afternoon, i'll drink wine on my balcony.
i'll look for you at the stars and if you wish to not look for me,
remember me for the least.

my love, this has all come to an end
but i really do pray that you wish to find me.

goodbye for now, my love.

from your forever love:
L

hello, you.
it feels like sitting with someone new.
i can barely remember the first half of last year and can barely remember the reasons why i cried so much last year,
sometimes.
i know this year will be different
because you feel different.
but nonetheless,
i ask of you to treat me with kindness.
i'm starting everyday with deep breaths,
holding my hands to the ground,
reminding myself that you are in fact not out to get me.
you, please treat me kindness.

it was such a beautiful thing really.
i saw light when my angel and spirit told me the truth.
it was horrible and lovely at the same time and i still don't understand how okay i was throughout the whole thing.
i felt this overwhelmingly amount of clarity and acceptance.
i felt seen and heard.
the light that i saw was a light i was told i wasn't ready for until i was,
and there, i was.
i was okay, it was all okay,
i'm okay.
there was no more hurt in that moment, i can't describe it.
i felt grounded yet in the air and i felt held by every moment of happiness and stillness i've ever felt.
it was so beautiful and i felt my heart heal and the scars that were everywhere were fading,
actually fading.

the disconnect seemed to push me further and further to myself.
the word seemed dark again
and there was nothing for me to hold on onto,
nothing for me to keep me grounded.
everything and everyone felt so far away.
i could hold my friends hands and they could touch my shoulder but i still didn't feel here.

i'm moving away soon.
whether this "soon" is a month or years from now,
but i'm moving away.
i've learned to not let other's insight on My future effect me.
my future smells like coffee and it sounds like the sea.
it looks like calm sunsets and feels like fire by the fireplace.
it smells like autumn candles being lit in the spring.
chopin playing as i calmly live day by day.
i'm going to move away.

all i can see is the sky.
it started out a bright pink dancing with the blue sky.
as my thighs started to cramp and beads of sweat started to race down my forehead,
the sky changed to the most beautiful orange that reminded me of the suit you wore that one time,
then dark blue.
the stars started taking their seats in our home,
shining and twinkling.
i felt every thought leaving through my fingertips.
my chest opened up to the wind and all the love the trees gave off,
i felt it all and held it as tight as i could.
all i could see streetlights as i rode home.

i shouldn't love the way your hands trace mine so much,
i shouldn't love the way you lean yourself into me so much,
for love is a beautiful, great, big disaster.
i'll take the chance even if you grow old of me or i grow old of you
or we grow out of each other like pants or shoes do.
this,
my thumb rubbing our intertwined hands.
this,
your eyes that stare way too long for me to get red when you call me sweet words.
this,
your blush clustered cheeks.
this,
how we hold each other.
this,
how i promise you i will never grow old of you.
this
is a love catastrophe.
it's grand, it's big, it's beautiful.
i want to live for you.
i want to take you to art museums
and picnics
and cheesy movie dates.
i drowned myself in your utter perfection and drank forbidden wine as i thought of how we'd end up.
our love isn't a disaster,
it isn't a tragedy,
it's a celebration.
the way we love and feel is art and it smells like cake and feels like warm laundry.

his name was luis.

i met him when i was in sixth grade, he was in eighth.

the first time we talked was when he apologized for him accidentally bumping into me on the bus after school.
right then, right there,
beautiful.

he had long hair and wore band tees and in my book,
that was everything.

the short smile that he had on his face made me fall deeper.
i swear, i remember my breath being taken away when i first saw him.

love at first sight.

we became friends over time.

he offered his shoulder when i was feeling down and waved goodbye when he got off the bus.

time went by and he had to leave.

two years then there he was again,
it all came back.
every time i saw him it was like seeing him for the first time
all
over
again.

the bus.

the school bus once again.

"is that really him?", i thought looking at him through the mirror in the front of the bus,
trying to not get caught staring.

he looked at me and then i knew,
yes,
yes it was.

beautiful.

i dmed him first.
how could i not?

pretending like i forgot,
"hey!! i think we went to school together! my name is _!!"

waiting,
waiting,
waiting,
....
..
"i remember!!! i wanted to say something earlier!"

dms back and forth.
memes.
sharing music.
taking candid pictures of each other only to send them later.

he lived a street away.

we exchanged numbers.

we began going on walks.

the sun kissed his face,
as if it was praising him for being Him.
i could relate.

once again,

beautiful.

one night,
we went walking.

days before your birthday.

walking to meet you at the corner curb,
i hid your birthday present behind my back.

i remember reaching you and you were eating a hot pocket.
i fell more in love each time i saw you.

you hugged me after i gave it to you.

i gave you my beret that night too.
complimenting you on how good you looked and how,
yes,
you can pull it off very well.

we walked close that night.

we sat on the swings at the park over the bridge and you told me about your love for constellations.
i don't know much about them and you told me to look at the sky.

one hand on my back,
the other pointing to the sky.

"do you see it?"

i couldn't take my eyes off of You.

i could make my own constellations in the galaxies in your eyes.

beautiful.

months passed and one late, late night,
we talked deeply.

i told you about my parents,
you told me about your past.
you told me how much you cared about me.

then you told me you knew.
oh, i knew how obvious i was!
how could i hide it?

you told me not in this moment in time.
your words like thorns on a rose.

beautiful,
yet painful.

it's okay,
you said.

and i told you,
i know.

the school year was over,
once again.

i got two more years with him.

now to graduate.

less texting.
he didn't ride the bus anymore.

i understood,
i still do.

his whole life was ahead of him.
he was leaving!
how could i blame him?
i couldn't.

always,
beautiful.

his name was luis.

i loved him for over seven years.
i fell deeper and deeper and for the first time in my life,
i was okay with it.

he is beyond beautiful.
i could write about when our hands touched or the way my face would get hot when we locked eyes under the moonlight.
i could write about him forever.

there is no one more beautiful than he is.
for he is all the stars in the world.

he is everything into one.

so absolutely and utterly
beautiful

i waited for That moment.
That moment where you realize your worth,
your purpose.
the morning sun creeped its way through my curtains,
reminding me that i spent yet another day biting my nails in the anxious wait for That moment.
i fall asleep to train sounds,
i dream of going far, far away.
these sounds are the closest i'm going to get to That moment.
for today,
i realized that the last missing puzzle piece to the complicated one color puzzle that is named me,
is myself.
my soul,
my mind,
my sanity,
my lungs,
me.
i won't feel or understand That moment until i relive my whole life,
feel all the emotions from others and myself,
in my last breath.
i could hear the birds chirping and this flower path i'm walking on leads to light.
light,
it's beautiful and simple and
i'll see you there.

i've always suffered with acne. i've written about it before. but yeah, it started really in 7th grade. it was one then two then a whole family then before i knew it, my face was red and bumpy and it hurt.

i've tried everything. i really mean it. every home remedy, every recommendation, every tip, every product on the shelf and a few online. nothing's really helped. throughout these years and i'm now a ------ and i still deal with it. because of my acne, it's taken a huge toll on how i view myself and how i feel about myself. i used to hate myself. i would only look in the mirror once every day and that's to put on makeup to cover scarring and acne that's still there.

i hated myself. so much. i wouldn't go out. my parents, specifically my mother, had a lot to say about my face. she would point it out even when i had makeup on and it made me really insecure.

now, i think differently. i'm currently breaking out because i ate a small piece of meat. (which i don't really do, because i don't eat meat anymore. i did it for reasons which isn't relevant right now lol) so yeah, my face is red and bumpy again. washing my face with my eyes closed, i can really feel the pimples. it made me feel disgusting for a moment. but i had to remind myself that it's okay. i'm different now, i don't really care if i break out anymore. of course, i still feel a bit insecure but i don't hate myself because of it.

i still feel like i did when i wasn't breaking out. seeing my face like this has really been a sign for me as saying to myself:
1. don't eat meat anymore, under any circumstances/situations
2. it's okay

i'm okay with my acne that i had in the past now and i'm okay with the breakout i'm currently having.

on my cheeks there are constellations of periods of stressed times,
of bad times,
that i couldn't stop the picking.
which,
yes, i know mom,
it makes it worse.
but my hands wondered as the days grew longer and that anxious feeling sat next to me like a trained, loyal dog.
my hands wondered to the places on my face that made me feel less than,
my cheeks.
i closed my eyes tightly as i ran my hand over small bumps and big bumps and bumps that hurt and bumps that i wouldn't let heal.
i cried for hours on end.
my mother made me try every product on the shelf,
oh how i remember the sound of the cash register ringing as my mother paid for another product that i knew just wouldn't work.
but still i tried,
and i tried every home remedy that i could find on the internet.
tomatoes,
crushed up aspirin,
green tea,
lemons,
limes,
bananas,
and toothpaste.
oh the toothpaste how i thought it would work.
how i woke up the first night and found burned acne scars from the toothpaste,
oh the toothpaste.
i touch my cheeks now with closed eyes,
no bumps except on bad days,
smooth skin,
i don't cry anymore because of it.
but when i look into the mirror i see dark spots of where those bumps laid,
i am still a sky full of constellations
and i'm learning to be okay with that.

i liked standing in line for hours.
it depended the season but it always seemed to rain.
i remember once my thighs just getting soaked,
i didn't mind it because of how happy i felt.
the growing excitement inside me overpowered any feeling of discomfort from my wet clothes.
then they scanned my ticket,
i remember running to get as close to the barricade as i could.
the ground was cold,
i remember that.
again,
i didn't mind it.
then the lights went dark.
everyone yelled and screamed in happiness.
the moment we were all waiting for.
i remember all of us singing in unison.
everything felt okay,
it felt like This moment was the only moment that mattered.
all the ******* and all the pain was gone,
leaving through our jumping feet.
everyone crowded and closed into each other,
our natural heat made us sweat but
we didn't mind it.
at times it felt suffocating,
when it went quiet,
the world seemed to stop.
i remember someone holding my hand as i stood there as everyone jumped.
this ethereal feeling and ethereal moment was paralyzing,
the squeezing hand held mine and i knew this moment was the most beautiful moment in life.

our foreheads touched.
i could hear your heartbeat and i was nervous and afraid that you'd hear mine yelling how it beats faster when you're near.
soon,
i could feel the tip of your nose on mine.
your heat being transferred through
one
simple
touch.
we couldn't look at each other in fear for worlds crashing,
making thousands and millions of stars.
instead your hand slowly slipped into mine,
my heart blooming with every possible flower of every color and shape.
our cupid's bows planted on top of each other ever so slightly.
i wanted to back away,
i wanted to do this again,
over and over.
i wanted to give myself to you over and over again.
we touched and we loved.
i fell into your touch and fell even more deeply in love with you.

falling asleep in your arms has to be my favorite part,
still.
i will always love watching your eyes go from fluttering to completely shut.
us having competitions as to who could stay awake longer.
tears would be brought to my eyes sometimes from how beautiful you are.
my chest on yours, feeling your breathing slow down and then feeling mine.

again,
i feel like nothing.
your touch feels cold and nothing seems warm anymore,
not even the sun.
my stomach kept turning every time i would tell myself that leaving would be the only way out.
i didn't know what to do.
suddenly i forgot what it was like to be happy again.
instead, i started to remember how it felt like to not care what happened after i would take my very last breath.

as i peeled an orange,
i could smell the smell transfer onto my hands.
the tangy scent mixed with the vanilla air and it took me back.
i could see my father peeling my 6 year old self an orange that we bought at a market that was filled with every fruit and vegetable.

i could feel the corners of my eyes start to water and soon enough,
i couldn't see that well anymore.
i hugged myself because  no one else would.
sister,
i'm sorry for crying on your bedroom floor,
i just couldn't hold it in anymore.
it feels like all the happiness that was inside me has turned to grey and i can see myself reaching out for something that i'll never be able to reach.
even my little sister asked me what i wanted to do with my life,
as if i know.
how do you know i'll still be here to see that,
to actually live that?
because i don't know.
and the same questions make me shift my seat
and come up with an answer that sounds like a murmur or a grumble.
last  night, i thought about it.
how will i make it to september?
how will i live long enough to feel free again?
i don't think i will.

i woke up from my nap feeling like i couldn't breathe.
i paced around my room as i downed the two day old water.
looking at everything made my heart race,
i could feel my heart thump through my chest.
it made its way up to my throat and i couldn't breathe anymore.
my pacing got slower and eventually, i stopped in my steps.
my hands roamed beside me for something to grasp on,
to keep me from falling.
everything felt overwhelming and the air i was breathing felt like it was closing my throat more.
by this time, tears have already made their way onto staining my grey shirt.
i laid down once again,
tears rolling off the sides of my face.
i wanted somebody to hear me,
to come into my room and hug me.
fresh air couldn't help me anymore.
i needed someone to slow my heart down.
pat my back and run their fingers through my hair as a way of telling me that what i'm feeling is real but won't last for long.
but no one heard me.
i tried opening my mouth to speak but all that came out where silent sobs.
i held myself and closing my eyes, pretending my arms where someone elses.

the dirt on my palms and knees got harder to wash off,
the skin under it turned red from scrubbing.
my arms ached and it hurt to stand up straight.
i say it all the time but
i wish i could have a hug.
on the hardest days,
the days where i'd walk home crying,
it would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on,
someone to hold me.

dad,
i can never forget the vein on your forehead as you screamed and yelled,
the house shook as doors were slammed.
my childhood was made up of sounds of your car starting and your sighing as you told me to never end up like mom.

mom,
oh how you broke this all apart only to glue it together,
only to rip it apart again.
i can't get the sound of your crying out of my head,
it's always here,
it's mended into my head.
mom, i'm sorry.
you tried over and over again.
sometimes i'll smell the perfume you gave me that smells like you,
i never want to let you go.

you.

you're just afraid of abandon.
you need someone to hug and to love you
and of course you need someone to hold you and your broken up heart and say "you'll be okay".

darling, baby,
please get a hold of yourself.
there are stars in your eyes and your hands are like fireworks when you create.

the moon, the stars, the sun, the trees, your family, your friends, the people you consider your saviors will be here after the fall
whether it be "just this once" or many other times.
they will be here to catch you and help you back up.

you will wake up one day and love yourself without a doubt.
you'll love yourself as you love others immensely.
now a warning now, okay?
you will fall again,
over and over.
life will never be perfect but honey, it's not supposed to be.
you have to learn to be your own hero because, and god forbid, one day you might have no one to save you.

you,

you will be okay.

you're so precious and dear to me.
you've inspired me in every way and you've made me want to be alive.
but it's moments like these were i really miss you
and i miss you all the time.
i will never feel whole again until we meet again in the skies.
and i'm okay with that because we have a chance of seeing each other again.

i really miss you
and i love you with all my heart.
there isn't a thing or person in the world that i love more than you.
i miss you.

dear me, dear you, dear moon,

it *****. i know. growing up with the family you loved has been broken. you're so young, i'm sorry this all happened.

feel it but don't let it consume you.

don't pick up the blade. use your words, your friends love you. i know you feel alone even in a room of people, it's okay.

it's okay to not be okay. you don't have to be mean to yourself, moon. you're so young. i'm sorry.

mom and dad should have hugged you more. mom and dad should have been quieter.

i'm sorry it all went down this way. i know it seems like the universe is mean and i know you feel like a mistake, but you're not. you're wonderful and Okay. you'll be okay. i'm sorry.

i know it's all ****, it'll be like for a long time. years. but you'll pull through.

spoiler alert!!! you find your soulmate. you have friends again. you're growing and most importantly, you're okay.

i know it was hard to grow up in this home. i know they made it harder than it should've been but, keep your head up. i know it's hard. i know. you're so young, i'm sorry.

i see the trees,
their colors are changing with the season.
beams of sunlight catch my eye as the sun comes from around the corner.
as the wind blows,
i can almost swear there's diamonds in every leaf,
how each individually shines and glistens.
some trees stay still and it makes me want to too.
some trees are growing lemons,
the shade of an organic yellow reminds me of my first grade teacher's blouse,
how she'd love this season too.
i kept trying to hear what they were telling me,
i closed my eyes and heard the wind blow through the trees,
i couldn't make out any words anymore.

i remember my older sister asking me when i'd be ready to come out the rest of my family and...well, everyone.
i didn't know the answer to that.
the tone of her voice still rings in my mind,
it made me feel like who i was a burden to how she wanted to live.
i know she meant well but i told her i didn't know,
i didn't know when i wanted to come out to everyone and tell them who i am,
how i was still the person they knew.
i still don't know when i want to tell everyone.
the fear inside me rises at the thought.
i'm afraid of losing my friends,
being shunned by family and parents,
i fear for the roof over my head.
when the time does come,
i hope everyone that i was afraid of telling welcome me with open arms.

there are so many drafts of this hidden away,
even from my own eyes.
the eighteenth will be one year.
i miss you.
i've been trying to come up with words to put how i'm feeling but i can't do it.
i miss you,
that's all i can say.
i promised you i'd stay and i'm here.
i miss you and one day, we will be in each others arms again.
save a seat up there for me.
i will forever love you.
i miss you.

he crawled into the deepest and darkest parts of my mind, making himself at home. i let him do this. i tucked him in every night, doing this felt as if every trauma that once was was put to rest.

every morning when we woke up, it felt like i was a child on christmas morning. cold yet so ******* comfortable under all these blankets. i held him close and held on tighter than he held onto me. it was always like this. we stayed like this for as long as he would let me. he was always the first one to get out of bed.

i followed him closely, in fear that i'd lose him right in front of my eyes. his pale skin matched the snow that covered the cars and grass in my neighborhood. his cheeks were always painted with roses, the same roses that reminded me of the ones he bought me once. i always looked at his cheeks when things would go wrong.

i fell in love with every part of him. he was home to me. he took up every thought in my head, every room in my house, he filled my veins with his presence and yet, i still couldn't get enough of him.

i try to convince myself that, in the end, nothing really went wrong. that we were just in different timelines when we were together, not ready for each other yet. and most of that is true. neither of us were ready, yet we both dived head first into each other, into all of this.

i could talk about all the red flags that he planted in front of me. but right now, i miss him. he's gone and i sometimes still feel the way he ran his fingertips on my body. i remember his touch and when he looked into my eyes, i felt reborn.

now when night falls upon me, he comes into bed again. i stare at the ceiling and it all happens again. time picking up faster as it would replay the end, i see how it ended every night. even then, i would do it all over again if it meant that he would be here again.

i always imagined my first love, how i'll meet them, what i'd be doing. most of this i've just interpreted from reading books and what i see in movies. what can i say, i love all that cheesy romantic, "love at first sight", crap. i've never imagined what they'd look like because it can literally be anyone, i think that's both beautiful and nerve wrecking.

let me paint you the vision i've been visioning for a while, or at least one of the visions.

it's autumn or winter. i'm in a coffee shop. all you can hear and smell are normal coffee shop things. orders being made, names being called out for those orders, chatter, keys from laptop keyboards, and of course the smell of coffee dancing in the air. the smell under our noses and eventually, it sticks to the clothing i'm wearing.

i look up and there they are.

beautiful and completely ordinary. but not ordinary to me,
they're light and everything in between and out of this world.

absolute perfection.

talking to you,
i felt at a loss of words.
i was banging on the wall but my hands just...
won't.
i don't know how to talk to anyone anymore.
poems turn into writings and writings turn into novels and i don't know why.
my brain and hands feel mine but like they're not here.

the blue tint of the morning sky made reality feel altered.
i walked with the fog and my hand brushed against every bush and tree that i crossed paths with.
the truth is that
i wanted to run,
i wanted so badly to just scream,
to get everything out.
i thought that the strain of my throat would cure me
or heal me from everything that lead up to this point.
i still don't know if it will.

my name is moon.
i can feel and smell colors.
i miss the love of my life,
my soulmate.
people listen to me like they listen to late night cable channels selling over expensive jewelry.
i love the stars and i love it when the sky is a milky blue.

my name is moon.
sadness fills my heart and soul,
woven into the stitching that people call "skin".

my name is moon,
luna,
달,
lua,
mahina.
and i write from my heart and soul.

she was always my hero.
i think that's why i never got into superhero movies or anything,
because i had one and, better yet, she was my sister.
i've seen the light in her eyes,
it's brighter than the sun.
i've also seen that same light turn into the darkest room in the world.
her soul has been hurt so many times,
her skin bruise,
tear stained face,
and a life that seemed to only be full of bad days.

take me instead of her.
god, gods, universe, anything,
take me instead.
for she still has that light, trust me.
these days and, truthfully, years have been the hardest for her.
take me instead.
she deserves to feel the sunlight on her skin and to feel the grass in between her toes.
take me instead.

i promise you she still has that light.
i can see it in her when she writes or when talks about her favorite songs,
i promise you it's still here.
give her time.
she'll come back.

how are you still so perfect?
after all those sleepless nights and tears you've gifted me,
how are you still everything to me?
how are you still the light and the love of my life?
i remind myself of the time and yet,
it never changes the fact that i love you.
i always love you.

i kept seeing that eventually i'd have to let go of your hand
and i didn't even want to think about it.
we promised each other to stay in this space together.
i won't let go.

i want to live by the sea.
i can imagine myself at the shore for eternities.
even now,
i can hear the waves calling me,
like i'm meant to be there with them.
i want to live by the sea.
nothing is more calming that the waves crashing by your feet.
small hiccups of water that never seem to end.
i want to live by the sea.

i've been wanting to lay under a tree the past week.
laying underneath a blanket and watching the sunlight beam their hands through the openings of leaves.
i want to lay there and watch the branches sway,
slowly taking my worries and unwanted thoughts with every blow of wind.

today i saw old peers and new peers i would come to spend another year with.
a growing anxiety slowly built up in my stomach as i faced them,
all at once.
soon,
i will be drowned by books and tests and everything in between and outside of that.
there's a voice in my mind that's reminding me how bad i get this time of year,
how i can't see the sky the same and
how i start to feel if there's any difficulty in my way
(which i'm positive there will be).