you aren't alone in this.
it may seem like you've broken so many mirrors, these bad days will overlap your next life
but that's not the case.
you haven't broken anything,
you are not broken.
give it time.
and i know i always say that to you, "give it time".
you'll be okay one day.
look at everyone you love,
you And them have survived the darkest days
either alone or together.
you got this.
it's okay to fall down sometimes,
it's okay to let yourself lie there too.
but we both know you have the strength to get back up again.
you are loved.
you got this.

my heart began to beat faster around more people than i could count on my fingers.
i started to feel smaller and seen but in the worst way.
my stomach did turns and i could swear everyone could hear my heavy breathing.
i held my own hand,
in hopes that it would feel like someone elses
and maybe,
just maybe
i could calm down.

the printer isn't working,
or maybe it is
i'm just not doing right.
me,
not knowing if it's the printer or me who's in the wrong.

then it came to me.
i was just sitting in class and it came to me.
i felt myself flying again.
i felt your weight off of me and i could breathe again.
i'm free from you.
i'm free.
i'm not yours,
i'm never yours.
i'm taking myself back from you.
it came to me,
the chains broke and i looked at you with nothing.
i feel nothing towards you.
i'm free.
i'm free from you.
goodbye.

ever since the first time i watched ---, i imagined what my afterlife would be like. i never tell this to anyone but i hope it's a garden, with yellow flowers. i write about the sun's heat that doesn't make your sweat or irritated, and i hope that sun is there too.

a part of me wants to be alone and just stay there, until my world dies too. a part of me wants me to be with j, with my little brother, with my grandmother, i think that afterlife would be perfect.

every night recently, i've hoped it's my last. closing my eyes every night, only to see your face, makes me hope that they'll stay closed so i can see you every second again.

but i wake up again. and my dreams of my afterlife, the yellow flowers, the sun, my loved ones, are all gone. again.

born not from here but here when you're 19 years young.
starting a new life and that's when you met my mom.
both young and in love and before you know it,
it's wedding vows and wedding bands,
then it's hospital visits and here we are.
i remember holding my baby sister when she got home from having her,
and i remember your mom, my grandma dying.
you sat in the yard, beneath the big tree that whole season.
i met her Once and i have a scar to prove it.
my cheek met her glass table and you were too in your element to be bothered by my blood gushing wound.
years and we're grown.
we're all grown and you look at your creation and the life you've created and i hope you feel pride.
until, things went bad and the house began to shake from your voice.
all that anger kept inside boiled like the beans you'd religiously make every night.
release, release, release
until the horse finally broke and everything you've built came crashing down.
do you remember when it was all too much for you?
i remember sitting behind you, holding bags of our hot food,
we're at a red light and we're all sitting in silence still not digesting the horror of the past four years you created with your other half.
but it's too quiet and i see it hit you like a truck.
wheel gripping and not afraid of crying,
Vulnerable and here and the most raw i've ever seen you till this day.
sadness turned into anger turned into hatred into resentment and anger and hatred follow and circle and pump the blood in your veins.
do you remember smiling for that picture of you holding me and my older sister?
i don't remember it but you have to remember.
i looked at your hardworking hands and on the left is your wedding band.
silver or gold, i don't remember but it's there and looking at that picture,
it's so foreign.
it's like those picture games where you have to find something wrong, something that's not supposed to be there.
do you remember being married and sharing and building a life with someone for over 17 years?
do you remember it crumbling down?
do you still feel that sadness and boiling anger you felt when you were finally released?
it feels like you'd be relieved but you never spent a second to spew that fire towards us and everyone crossing paths.
but i pray for you.
i used to hate you and curse you but now,
i pray for you.
there has to be a day in this life, that hopefully, you just feel peace.
i hope one day you wake up and there's no hurt, there's no anger, there's no revenge,
just peace.
one day, you'll feel like you have it all again.
one day, you won't need to act tough to protect yourself from .....
well, from yourself, from emotions that i wish would just leave you alone.
one day, it'll just be
peace
and
peace
and
peace.

in these moments,
the world seemed to shake instead of spin.
i forgot to breathe and i kept realizing that i've been holding my breathe without me even realizing it.
i wanted to come down from whatever this was.
i didn't know what i could've grasped onto,
for my arms were flailing everywhere.
my heart raced and i could hear my heartbeat radiate through my bones,
shaking them and making them feel like clanging spoons.
in these moments,
i felt the the urge  to run and keep running until my lungs hurt from the wind.
i wanted to run and escape these feelings.

i still have fight left in me.
on the darkest days, your voice never failed to lift me up.
maybe i'll fail,
maybe i'll still fall in the future,
but i want to keep going.
the growing light and love in me that's caused by your warmth
has kept me going until now
and forever.

finally awaken.
they might know what i mean,
they might never know.
but i know that this is a new page,
a new book,
completely new book.
it feels different this time.
the more and more i live,
the more i realize that this was all for a reason even if it feels like it wasn't.
i'm awake.

i realized so many things.

1. i have to stop starving myself
2. she isn't the people in my past who hurt me, things are different now
3. i have to continue letting go of things that make me sad
4. change is good

i sat here realizing where the time went.
i feel like just yesterday i was in my mother's arms.
it feels so cold now.
under the rain,
it drowned out my thoughts but it made my heart heavier.
i spent the time now wondering how i ended up feeling so alone.
the concept of time seemed to go over my head as i silently watched the years go by like a movie.
i was speechless.
i was paralyzed.

i couldn't help but remember That day again.
"when you see what's going on, please text me."
how i called into work,
"my best friend passed away today. i can't come into work today.".
i couldn't stand up with wanting to fall back down.
i look up at the sky and ask you why?
why am i not up there with you?
why aren't you down here with me,
with us?
saying your name never got easier to say.
i didn't eat for days.
facing my family was the hardest part.
i wanted to talk to my dad about it,
about you.
i wanted him to hug me and tell me that you're still here,
looking down at us,
that you love us and we'll meet again.
i miss you dearly.

i didn't want to die anymore,
i just
wanted to be somewhere else,
someone else.
or at least fast forward a couple years.
me in college,
living in a small apartment with a friend or a lover.
it's raining in a couple years and i'll look up to the sky and smile.
i'll love and feel loved.
i wish time would go by faster.

i stared at you as you changed the night sky to the morning sky.
i felt your heartbeat pulsate through my entire body.
you're beautiful
but so far away.
i can see your hands reaching for me as the morning wind blows in my face
and i'll gladly accept them with my open heart.
you're angelic.
i close my eyes and see us,
smiling,
Alive.
you're ethereal.
we're alive.

do you remember when we rode bikes together?
how we kissed under the rain like we were straight from a movie.
it felt like the sky parted in two and raindrops felt like diamonds above us, falling on us.
this is what loving you feels like.
it feels like late night coffee.
how you rest your chin in your hand and we doze off talking about nothing.
it feels like warmth,
every kind.
waking up in your arms, sitting in front of the fireplace, hugging you when i come home.
do you remember when we cried watching that movie on our first date?
we talked about it all night, until the sun came up.
we copied the bird's songs outside and smiled.
oh how i knew this wasn't a mistake,
how i knew this wasn't a coincidence.

it's my birthday.
i cried last night of the thought that i really made it another year.
the rain seemed to push me down so hard and i can't believe i'm still here.
walking with my friend yesterday,
i looked at her,
just by looking at her,
i knew that i should be here.
in that moment,
i knew i wanted to stay.
it's birthday and i'm --,
another year of breathing,
another year of crying,
another year of smiling,
another year of feeling like i was nothing,
another year of loving,
another year of me.
i don't know how to feel this year about myself yet
but
i'm here and that's all that matters.

i closed my eyes and just listened to your voice.
my head created a white room where there was nothing,
no worries,
no weight of the world.
i opened my heart once again and let your voice, your light, in.
how can someone be so beautiful?
i opened my eyes and looked at you,
really looked at you.
the acne scars above your cheek,
your long eyelashes that i would spend my days counting,
the way the tip of your nose does that thing that i can't describe but it's beautiful,
you are everything,
you are beautiful.

i felt tears run down my cheeks as i thought about everything once again.
how the events in my life lead me to this point in time.
how i am the person i am because of my past and the people in life.
i don't know what this feeling is but i'm feeling.
the lump in my throat grows and climbs upwards to the point where i just stare at my ceiling,
mouth opened,
tears running down my face,
i'm paralyzed in this moment.

i deserve to be happy.
it's taken a lot to finally say that.
i wish time would stop.
i wish i could breathe without worry.
there will be a day where i'll wake up to wind chimes and waves softly crashing,
and this is enough for me.
these tears,
these tears are tears of acceptance and this is enough.

i could see the yellow tint of the monday morning peep through ruffles of clouds.
turning the other way,
in a distance the sky turned into a 8 foot deep pool.

i found myself at a loss of words.
i held my arms up in defeat when i couldn't find the words to the simplest question,
"how are you?"
because i don't know nor do i want to.
everything seems neutral, like it should be
and it's never been like this.
god, i couldn't stop talking in future tense or in third person.
i've been trying to get better at reading lips but nothing seems to work,
the words you speak don't even go over my head or in one ear and out the other.
from your mouth,
the words on the way to me get diced and grated to the point where my brows are furrowing and eventually
my face getting red asking if you could repeat that
again.

i did what they told me to.
i sat down,
closed my eyes,
and breathed.
in,
out,
slowly,
repeat.
in this silence,
i felt the weight of That days,
all Those days,
on my chest and shoulders.
i played music,
like you said.
half opened eyes and tears rolling filled the acoustics in my bedroom.
i breathed,
as if it wasn't already hard enough.
i heard and felt my heart breaking over and over,
slower and slower with every breath.
it made me want to stop breathing at all.
if this is what you call "helping me",
i don't want it.
the silence rings in my ears.
i can see myself reading and rereading headlines and texts.
the denial i felt,
the emptiness i felt.
oceans of sadness and grief washed over me, i wanted this to be my end too.
i wanted to stay in bed for as long as i could,
i wanted to drown in my bedsheets and muffled sobs.
i did what they told me to,
to breathe.
i don't want to anymore.

notebooks that were filled with your name and how we used to be and how things ended.
there are days where i miss you.
how i miss the way you held my hand or how you told me you loved me even when i was being stupid.
there are days where i hate you.
hate is a strong word, i know but it's the only word in my limited vocabulary to describe these feelings on these days.
i don't miss how you didn't support me
or told me i could never leave you.
there are days that i remember feeling like i was drowning when i was with you.
it took a lot for me to look you in the eye that day and tell you goodbye.

i held pictures of my youth in my hands as i felt my bedroom carpet making designs on the backs of my thighs.
nostalgia,
something that i live off of,
something i can talk about for centuries.
i could talk about the trips with my grandparents to mexico and europe,
how i loved their rv with corduroy seats.
i could talk about the circus and how my parents took my sisters and i every year,
how i begged for cotton candy and cried as i was reminded every year of how beautiful elephants are.
or i could fast forward and talk about the things that are too small to remember like being on google earth in my elementary school's computer lab.
or the smell of the library and how i adore the feeling of the wooden chairs being pulled from the carpet underneath.
i held pictures of my youth,
all baby hairs
and pigtails.
nostalgia,
how i miss it.

i tried to breathe without by my side.
although we weren't conjoined at the hip and you didn't know what my favorite color was,
we were a part of each other.
i can still see your eyes turning into half moons,
and i still remember the way you laughed and your mannerisms.
you're in everything i do,
in everything i say.
i try to breathe without you but it hurts too much and i've come to the conclusion that i can't breathe without you.

worry pooled into my stomach,
making it's way into my brain,
spoon feeding thoughts that make me glued to the earth.
the only thing i could do was write.

as i try to exhale, it seems as if my lungs shake,
making the breath that hesitantly leave me makes me feel uncertain.
you'd think that since i've breathed like this for as long as i can remember that it's become a home for me,
it doesn't.
something inside me tells me that something is wrong,
that the uneasiness of my breath isn't normal.
i stared into nothing when my breathing would get shaky.
my limbs go numb and the world in front of me would move in slow motion,
i could feel it all spinning and i felt everyone's heartbeat.
sometimes my head would stop running thoughts and for this 5 second exhale, i would forget and sometimes it was enough.

a journey through the home i lived in and the family inside it.
dinner on the table,
me eating a whole bowl of strawberries and falling asleep to whatever cartoon that was on tv,
elementary school homework,
and helping my mother putting up halloween decorations outside and inside of our home.
i would fall asleep with a full stomach and a smile on my face as my heavy eyelids slowly closed with every leaving thought.
years went by and things that were done before were no longer.
this house turned into slammed doors and nights of me sitting on the stairs hearing  yells and the screaming.
waking up with puffy eyes and a puffy face only to feel absent and not entirely There as i wrote down notes at school.
there was still hope.
i would fall asleep with worry.
years came and went and by the time i knew it all i knew where pencil sharpener blades and how to make myself drown out the shaking house.
i lost myself in my sleep as i was tangled in my sheets,
trying to make myself forget with pills.
i could feel the world on my shoulders and i wanted to cut the string that was keeping me alive.

looking at you,
i felt so distant.
i will never feel as close to anyone as close as i felt to her,
and i'm okay with that because what we had was something that i've never seen,
not even in the movies.
it's starting to feel like you were never here.
the one that kept everything together.
i'm addicted to the sadness.
it seems like all i can write about is you,
i'm starting to forget the color of your eyes,
how warm your hands were,
the sound of your voice.
going back to you now would make me seem like a fool and my pride seems to not back down so until then,
until i give in,
i miss you.
i'm sorry i'm not as interesting or energetic as i was two years ago or on my good days that i have sometimes.
things just don't feel right but without you both
i have no one.
i will be no one.
no matter how many times you'll tell me i matter or that you love me,
i can't see it,
i can't feel it.

they all tell me the same things.
it's all starting to sound like the talk my mother gave me when i told her i wanted to **** myself.
"you'll be okay.
thing will be okay.
think of your friends.
think of us."
why do you want me to live?
so you won't feel guilty about losing me?
these feelings and thoughts are crushing me,
they're weighing me down and you want me to
stay?

there was something so comforting in the way you held your coffee mug.
the same coffee mug your father drank out of when you were being raised.
you watched him drink from that coffee mug morning after morning.
now,
now you held it with graceful hands,
holding it firmly and close to you.
you'd grip it with both hands now.
you would never tell me but i knew that when you held that coffee mug,
you were a little girl again.
you were the little girl that ate waffles every morning, surrounded by the smell of coffee from that mug and you loved it.
every morning felt like home and you found comfort in holding your fathers mug.

the leaves are slowly changing on the trees in my neighborhood.
i notice them five days a week when i ride the bus home.
the air is starting to get cooler and i'm starting to find myself walking slower on my way home to enjoy it,
i want to soak in every minute of this cool transitioning air.
my eyes actually look up to ahead of me instead of at my shoes.
the weather brings out the colors of the houses,
orange, sky blue, red, mustard yellow, burgundy, brown, magenta.
everything seems so perfect in these moments.

i took down the curtains in my room.
looking around,
i felt
different.
today, i laid on my bedroom floor and looked out the window.
i could only see the sky and clouds.
i laid there for what seemed like hours.
you lied when you told me we'd be there together.
tears wet the sides of my face and my hands clutched my tshirt near my stomach knowing i'd be alone again soon.
the clouds i could see were moving,
moving ever so slowly.
soon, all i could see was the blue sky.

i lifted my head and shifted my eyes to your face as you called my name when you sat down across from me.
i felt myself leave my body.
my vision became blurry and all i could see was your mouth moving.
i asked you if you could repeat that again.
"how are you doing?"
i answered with a long, extended "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum."
the words couldn't come to my mouth,
i couldn't form a two word sentence.
my eyes wandered the ceiling,
like i was looking for myself to come back.
then i answered and you began to talk.
i got closer to your face to read your lips but every word i ever knew left my memory and everything was white.

even if you don't mean it,
hold my hand.
for i deserve happiness as much as the next.
we all do.
this life of pain and mind wired that the universe is in fact not on our side.
we need to breathe.
hand in hand,
i want to believe we can do this.
i told myself i would wait until december,
then came april and i couldn't leave before your birthday,
and this series of events is making me want to stay for september.
so even if you want to let go,
let me go in september.
i'll be okay by then.
read my words and forget the pain that was woven into my skin.
but stay with me,
we will smell every acacia in the world and the sun won't feel like a stick poking our side.
we will smile comfortably without doubting.
so hold my hand and lets wait.

god and i heard you slamming doors and hitting walls.
i was made paralyzed with fear and worry of what's next to come.
i am only -- and the only "future" i see is looking down at my family and friends from the sky,
sitting on a cloud,
shining at night,
making it rain from my sadness of not being there anymore and the sadness woven into my existence.
i, moon, am not supposed to be happy.
everyone has proven that to me.
everyone has beat me, "loved" me, pushed me to the edge.
but i understand now,
yes,
i know now that i am not supposed to be here.
-- years of my life and all i got was signs that this was a
mistake.

mouth open, i wondered if the tears running down my face was enough to make you want to stay.
"you can't drive right now,
i need you. i need you here
with me
now.
i need you here."
i still remember how your face soften when you saw the way you pushed me into the wall was too hard,
but i still remember how quickly the darkness in your eyes came back.
i didn't care if anyone heard me scream for you,
i just wanted you to hear me.
i needed you there with me.

i sat in the car
writing and rewriting my end.
"god, why do you have to be so sad?"
i closed my eyes in attempt to drown everything out,
to attempt to drown myself out.
i want to be new again.
i want to unexperience everything i've seen
for it has only scared me and thrown out the memories that would save my life.
on my knees,
i'm begging please,
if someone is up there please make me feel like i'm not just talking to my ceiling every night.
i've prayed and prayed but please if i'm not meant to be here,
please give me a sign.
i've been waiting and waiting for something,
anything.
and if this is all a punishment for me,
please tell me because i can't do this anymore.
i've tried everything and got everything taken away from me.
i've been beat and thrown around to the point where i feel like i've been put here as a breathing, living punching bag.
i feel like i'm only here for the benefit of other people.
i've been screaming in the dark and touching every corner to find the hope that been taken away from me.

if i'm not meant to be here,
please tell me

i miss you.
it's not even noon and i feel myself getting consumed by the sadness of your absence again.
i miss you.
once again,
the world has reminded me that you're no longer here.
you're so far away and there's no way that i can tell you that i love you with the guarantee that you'll hear it.
the sudden longing and sadness doesn't hit me like a wave anymore,
instead it just consumes me slowly,
knowing that i'll let it happen.
it eats at me like dripping water on paper,
slowly but surely.
i miss you.

you begged for life.
fists clutched,
knees close to giving out
once again.
you closed your eyes and
begged for life.
you wanted to feel something other than this growing anxiety for the unknown
and fear of abandon even from yourself
as if parts of you were already wailing their hats on moving trains.
there had to be something right?
something in the books that you overlooked,
that you haven't tried,
or in other people's words
"haven't tried hard enough".
not wanting to feel is one thing
but begging the joy and the euphoria to fill your veins again is another.
you cranked up every song that used to make you feel alive,
you cleaned every inch of the house,
you rose your hands to the sky together and pleaded to be saved,
shoving every thought of
"this is just my bedroom ceiling."
out of your mind.
you ached to feel,
you begged for life.

and on these nights where my smile just slowly fades and time starts to sink in and slow down like honey,
i'll always go back to that song.
our song.

it all came back to me.
the way your rings hugged your fingers.
i remembered the color of your eyes and how they have little specks of gold and hazel in them.
i closed my eyes and it could your hands in mine,
how they fit so perfectly.
you'll always be my soulmate.
our red string had be tied in knots but we'll always cross paths.

he turned to me like everything came back to him again.
"i remembered your voice."
i haven't heard yours since i was 10 but i still remember the softness of your hands and ** you looked at everything will an expression that might as well be the textbook definition of gentleness.
i remember the drawings you gave me the day i left, you told my dad that although i was young,
i already knew who i wanted to be.
i didn't know what you meant then but after everything that's happened,
i do now.

i watch the skin around my finger grow back only to pull it off again.
my fingers ache every morning,
and lately they ache holding a pencil.
this has taken over my life.
no, i'm sorry the reason why i can't shake or hold your hands is not because i'm sick but because i'm scared you'll see my hands and look at me with disgusted eyes,
or skin i haven't yet picked off will get caught onto yours.
i can't stop.
if you sat me in  a room with nothing,
my anxiety would grow and sooner or later the skin that has been brought to life again would end up on the floor.

cherry blossoms.
in this still,
you can feel the spring wind blowing at every blossom hugging the branch.
behind it,
a blue, clear sky.
the kind of blue that makes you happy you went outside.
in this still of a cherry blossom tree,
i can see a park were picnics are taking place.
children throwing a frisbee,
not knowing or caring of the pain and hurt outisde this park.
cherry blossoms.
proof of spring.
spring where everything blossoms,
where all is beauty and seeing butterflies near the grass makes you forget.
but this still,
this still of cherry blossoms,
is proof that spring will come again,
and i'll be okay again.

i remember not being able to hear myself when i spoke.
i looked at my friends reacting to my words i never heard.
it was all very confusing and very scary.
i let whatever covered my ears take over me,
at some point i stopped trying to fight it.
nothing could describe the feeling of when i could hear again,
having to repeat myself to catch up with the conversation i started.

i used to want people to notice, for them to look at me.
everything  i did used to be a cry for help.
that was until,
no one helped me.
they stared at me like an animal in a cage and just
looked
at
me.
everything i do now is for me.
it  always catches me off guard when a friend reaches out to hold my hand on the table.
"is everything okay?"
i wish they would all live their lives.
please don't be concerned for me.

i can hear your voice echo through the halls of my mind.
sleeping is the only way i see you now.
whether it be a bright light in the shape of you,
or orbs in the color of aqua pearl,
or my favorite,
you,
actually you.
some days feel like december 18th again.
i'm wishing for you every chance i can get,
at 11:11,
on every star,
on every moon,
on every birthday,
on my birthday.
my wish is for you to come back
or to take me with you.
you're still here, right?
these anxious hands are wrong, right?
you haven't left us, right?

that was it.
that was the last of your voice.
i need you here now.
i need you right now.
please tell me that there's more of your voice,
that you're still here with us,
with me.

tell me about the smile of the one you love the most,
how everything seems to slow down and the only thing you can focus on is how their eyes almost disappear from their wide grin.
how their "happy face" is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
tell me about your childhood birthday parties,
how your family would come over and there's something about childhood birthday parties that make reality seem altered.
how the cake your mother set in front of you makes you sigh with content and with ease.
how they all sing happy birthday and you shift in your seat with a smile on your face,
perfect.
tell me about the first hand you felt.
how soft it was and how it perfectly fit yours,
like two puzzle pieces coming together.
oh how your stomach has a field full of butterflies in it when you grip that hand,
how warm and Right it feels.
and no matter how sweaty yours or their hand gets,
you don't let go.
tell me about the dark times.
when you couldn't seem to get out of bed
or the devastation you felt when your parents split.
how heavy your mind and heart felt,
how you wanted to cry out of nowhere because everything
just
hurt.
tell me about the day you saw light within yourself.
how you wanted to cry because you made it.
it's something to be proud of.
how you could breathe and feel light.