i would never have to spend nights crying over the same thing.
i could forget who i am and who i used to be.
is that even a question?

but that isn't a thing.
i will probably never forget who i am or
who i was, or
what i've been through.
there are starting to be more times where i don't know if this is still a chemical imbalance or
i just won't let go of the past even though it's piercing my hands.

their faces became so familiar that i started to feel like i've known their face for my whole life,
even before this lifetime.
thank god they're here.
without them,
i wouldn't be here to write
or love.

i wanted to see stars again.
i thought that by now i would be able to
but i can't,
i don't.
you took every star in the sky and threw them away.
give it back, please.

when is it my time to be happy again?
the universe doesn't feel next to me anymore and i can't hear the ocean when i close my eyes anymore.
my bouncing, anxious leg kept me awake and i couldn't help but think of you.
oh you,
you,
you,
you.
where are you?
who are you?
when i think of you, you seem like a bad dream now.
a really, really bad dream.
a fairytale of storms and natural disaster.

i was never around good, healthy relationships growing up. my parents were a bust, my older sister never taught me better. i grew to be someone who looked for someone who could give me what They all had.

subconsciously, i looked for someone who would hurt my heart so much that i believed that they did in the name of love. after years, i learned that, no, that wasn't love. that's not love. relationships aren't supposed to hurt you to the point where you have to learn to trust again. that's not love.

then i met you.

my heart weary, taking small steps towards you.
hands behind my back, i wondered what this would be.
i couldn't look you in the eyes,
i was afraid i could see the pain you would inflict on me behind your pupils.

but it wasn't like that,
not at all.
i went to sleep every night knowing i mattered to you,
i woke up every morning feeling butterflies.
i finally feel like a teenager.
thinking of you makes my cheeks hurt and i imagine us dancing in the kitchen,
i imagine us together, simply together.

i'm afraid to tell you i love you but i know it's real,
and i know you feel it too.
i know that this feeling is mutual and that's all i need right now.

as i try to exhale, it seems as if my lungs shake,
making the breath that hesitantly leave me makes me feel uncertain.
you'd think that since i've breathed like this for as long as i can remember that it's become a home for me,
it doesn't.
something inside me tells me that something is wrong,
that the uneasiness of my breath isn't normal.
i stared into nothing when my breathing would get shaky.
my limbs go numb and the world in front of me would move in slow motion,
i could feel it all spinning and i felt everyone's heartbeat.
sometimes my head would stop running thoughts and for this 5 second exhale, i would forget and sometimes it was enough.

what do i do now?
i felt like banging my head on my desk and told myself,
"moon, why do you have to be so sad all the time?"
i hate that i'm like this.
light is always taken from my eyes and every time we meet eyes,
i always feel like it'll be the last time.
because i truly don't belong here.
i've been saying this for years now and i only speak the truth.
mom,
i never told you about the time that i tried to end my life and woke up the next morning only to act like nothing happened.
dad,
i never told you the reason why i started crying at the store out of nowhere.
it's because i'm tired all the time, dad.
living beats the life out of me.
sister, brother,
i never told you how i locked myself in my room and cried so hard i couldn't breathe.
or the countless times i laid on my back and felt tears silently stream on the sides of my face.
because i'm tired of trying to make this work.

i always loved the sound of walking through snow.
the way it sounds both muffled and loud,
there was something comforting about the sound of it.
i think it's because it reminded me of my parents,
how things used to be when they were still together.
my sisters and i would come home,
hands red from the cold,
our house would be warm and we'd sit next to the fireplace my father lit for us.
the flames danced with each other,
i could watch them for hours.
do you remember snow?

i always felt like i could write a book.
i'm not sure what i'd write about though.
i could write about how ****** i am because my parents,
or how awkward love is even when for adults,
or how, eventually, we all turn thirty and how it's scary that we spent so many years in school only to be thrown naked out into the world.

never thought i'd make it this far.
so much has happened that has led up to this moment and
i'm
Terrified.
i've been broken, withered down, taped back together and even healed.
the emotional roller coaster that has been brought before me will be ending and next year,
i will be
Free.

on break for almost a week already and this is what i've learned and saw:

1. it gets better
2. school ***** and sometimes it's a lie when they say high school are the best years of your life, most of the time they're not and that's okay
3. i like dressing in really loose clothes
4. after i'm done with school, i think things will get better and be better for me

my body wasn't here.
i knew what it meant when people said that the body and soul are two different things.
i felt the energy leave my fingertips.
my bed didn't feel like my bed and by the time i knew it,
i was rocking back and forth,
swaying side to side.
i knew what it felt like to be at peace,
for that hour i spend forgetting at cleansing,
i felt whole by myself.
i could see myself entering an aquarium.
tunnel like,
i walked through it,
touching the glass.
pink tinted,
i looked above me and to my left and right.
there were only koi fish.
their colors of red and eggshell white,
swam above me.
i was here and there at the same time.
i felt everything leaving through my fingertips,
all the bad and ugly.
i felt the light of something grow inside me and felt the warmth it gave off.
for this hour,
i felt saved.

i'm sorry i can't be strong like you want me to be.
my limbs feel heavier than my heart lately and it's hard to look at my friends without wanting to cry.
i still try to stand tall but it's hard today.
the massive lump in my throat got larger when my teachers asked me if i was okay.
because in all honestly,
no, i'm not.  
please hug me and tell me it's okay to cry.
tell me these tears running down my face will eventually stop.
tell me i'm strong enough to make it for two more years.
just less than 730 days and i'll be free.
i'm sorry i broke down today.
you have no idea how badly i wanted to fall when i stood up.
or how badly i wanted to run away from all of this.
i needed someone there,
i needed someone to hold my hand and tell me it's okay.

i can see the sun peaking its light through the cloud.
this sight made me feel like i was in a movie,
this sight hit me with warmth that radiated throughout my body.
i knew that in this moment,
i'm going to be okay when i'm not.
for i, moon, have learned to find happiness in the darkest days.
i hold my head up high and i'm learning to accept the bad feelings that come with bad days and no, i won't let it drown me anymore.
i'm okay.

i hate how much emotion is held in photographs.

so !!!! i'm trying to get more out there!

sooooooooo,,,, i made an instagram to post some of my pieces that i've written on here AND also post other art pieces (like watercolor, acrylic, and other types of media pieces)!

if that's something you'd like to see from me, please check out my account.

my @ is moondiiary

diary with two "i"'s !!!!

thank you so much.

- moon

you stares down at your hands as if they would bring her back.
i remember vividly how you broke into sobs as you drove us home.
you cut out every picture of her and you wanted to forget.
you used me to forget.
the yelling and the silence between us was torture.
the smaller i felt as you blamed me for her leaving,
for your bad day at work,
for us not having money for food,
for everything.
and i let you.
i let you break me down over and over again
because i knew you needed it.
i knew you needed to let out every emotion for you to see the sun again,
to see your purpose again.
you left me with scars that won't seem to close when i write and memories that i can't forget.

why am i here?
people keep lying to me,
saying that this will all pass and before i know it i'll smile again.
i've tried everything to get better,
to be better.
but another year has passed and i wish it hasn't.

i feel all alone in this world.
i feel like i could cry for eternities.
nothing made sense anymore.
i couldn't feel my father's love even if he did mean it,
i can't feel it anymore from him.
they don't want me here.
no one wants me here.

my breath hitched as i breathed out sitting here.
they don't care.
they won't care.

if i never saw you again, i think i would be okay.
i hate myself for missing your touch,
the warmth of your hands in mine felt like the world spun for us.
i hate myself for missing your words,
they made me feel like we were the only people in this universe.
you are everything and nothing at the same time.
i could get lost in your eyes and i remember asking if i could.

you made me feel bad for telling you you hurt my feelings.
a side i've never seen before was revealed and the anger your emerald eyes held made you see red and i was afraid.
i didn't back down.
i let you go and sometimes i worry if i made the right decision.
but i think if i never saw you again, i would be okay.

i think i just needed to be alone with myself for a few minutes.
collect my thoughts and at the same time,
get out of my head.
i felt myself just slowly slipping away,
this feeling still feels familiar and uncomfortable.

heaven.
light.
clouds.
flowers.
meadows.
you.
oh god,
You.

i think i'll die twice when i have you in my arms again.
your warmth will be enough to heal me again.
your warmth will be enough for me to forget about the life i lived before you and after you.

i'll tell you about the book i wrote.
giving you a copy and waiting to see your face when you read that it was all dedicated to you.

i'll tell you about my farm.
the apples i've grown,
the animals i saved and took care of,
never slaughtered.

i'll tell you about how i painted and wrote everyday.
that every room in my house was filled with canvases of everything beautiful you can imagine.
that my drawers were filled with papers and notebooks of poems about everything and nothing.

i'll tell you about the heartbreak.
how the past would creep up on me from time to time.
the boy who took my heart for a little bit before giving it back completely broken.

i'll tell you about my best friends and family.
the way their smiles saved my life over and over again.

i'll tell you about how i made it.
i lived my life and now i'm here,
with you.

heaven.
light.
clouds.
flowers.
meadows.
and you.
oh god,
You.

it was so emotional paralyzing.
living, i mean.
there were no other words to describe it other than,
the buildup of emotions in my chest made everything unbearable.
i was so fragile and no one held me.
i wanted so badly to be held.
i couldn't even live for you anymore and i'm sorry.
everything felt like it was closing in on me and at the same time,
everything was so big and i felt so insignificant again.
i kept writing and writing,
"why do i feel like this?
when will it get better?
why does it never get better?"
i'm close to my end and these hands are typing faster and faster,
trying to milk out every single last word that left in me.

you begged for life.
fists clutched,
knees close to giving out
once again.
you closed your eyes and
begged for life.
you wanted to feel something other than this growing anxiety for the unknown
and fear of abandon even from yourself
as if parts of you were already wailing their hats on moving trains.
there had to be something right?
something in the books that you overlooked,
that you haven't tried,
or in other people's words
"haven't tried hard enough".
not wanting to feel is one thing
but begging the joy and the euphoria to fill your veins again is another.
you cranked up every song that used to make you feel alive,
you cleaned every inch of the house,
you rose your hands to the sky together and pleaded to be saved,
shoving every thought of
"this is just my bedroom ceiling."
out of your mind.
you ached to feel,
you begged for life.

i've outgrown myself many times over the past few years.
i've felt like a snake shedding it's skin,
revealing a new, hopefully better one.
the golden sky above me makes me feel like i have a chance,
like this New Me will last and all the hurt,
all the bad things will just be washed away.
but they aren't.
they follow me and hover over me,
telling me that i will always crawl back to there,
to that horrible and dark place.
i've never faced myself.
i see my inner self as a villain,
as the boss.
facing myself is something i have to do but i don't once what i'd do if i did.
would i finally accept that that isn't me anymore?
people tell me that my soul seems softer and kinder,
but i can't see it,
they can't see the darkness that follows my every footstep.

when i was in middle school, i dated someone older.
not that much older, but older.
he was perfect. i told him everything and told him i loved him.
i made him pictures and gave him a crown.
on good days, he told me loved me too.
on bad days, he told me i wasn't worthy nor wanted.

when i was in high school, still young, i dated someone, my best friend.
friends since middle school, we loved each other.
she supported me and held me.
the more we were together, the meaner she got.
i let it go, every time.
she told me that we weren't meant for this world, that we were not meant for happiness.

when i was in high school, now older, i dated someone who liked me.
i was afraid when he held my hand.
flinched when he handed me his jacket in the cold weather.
i was excited to see him.
he waited for me after school by the main stairs.
i was afraid, afraid that he would turn like they did.

now, i'm talking to someone, not dating,
who calls me late at night when everyone is sleeping.
he likes me with my clothes off and when my breathing gets heavy.
during the day, it's like last night never existed,
like i never existed.
and i let him do it.
because i'm not worthy, or wanted, or meant for happiness, not capable of love even when it's true.

my life feels out of my hands,
being handed over to a fate that i Know how it ends.
the tears rolling down my face feel like rain pouring on a driving car.
it all feels so suffocating.
they all lied when they told me things would change.
do you remember how i was when i was a kid?
my hands never shook and i would go to sleep peacefully.
do you remember that?
please tell me how it feels like to graduate,
those feelings for me seem impossible now.
this sadness is never going away.
i'm at the bottom of an ocean where it's dark and cold.
chained at the bottom,
there is no light.

i close my eyes and see you and hear you.
when they all stop talking and it becomes silent again,
memories of us play again over and over.
seeing you i could swear i felt nothing and that you were just someone else.
but why am i trying so hard to forget you?
why am i so set on becoming someone completely different with a new set of....
everything?
i don't want to forget you.
we brought each other joy and we grew so much with each other until there was nothing left.

i'm never going to forget you and i'm okay with that now.

sitting in my math, aching hand writing what ever the teacher was,
trying to catch and keep up.
"ok, now you guys do the next problem.",
i sat back and i blanked out.
i don't remember writing any of this,
i don't know what this means,
these numbers,
this page.
i forget where i am and who i am.
i try to ground myself but realize that i'm looking out the window for ten minutes.
i look down at my now shaking hands as the teacher goes over the question and moves on.
i look around,
my head turns and everything is in slow motion.
this can't be happening.
this is first period.
not even noon yet
and i realize i'm crying in my class.
my breathing gets heavier and i can't do anything.
i feel paralyzed and trapped inside my own mind.
i can't get out,
i can't help myself.
so i cry,
in class.
i cry silently then i leave.

you just wanted somebody to talk to,
i knew that, i saw that.
i saw in the way you stayed awake until one in the morning,
knowing you still had to go to work when you woke up.
i can't help but think of how long you've gone silent,
how long you felt like you needed to be silent.
but not anymore,
i knew that, i saw that.

you.
oh god, you.
i used to write about how you looked like a flower and how the way you loved me was like stars being born over and over again.
and for a while it was all you were, all we were,
explosions of lust,
of what i thought was love being created between us.
i picked flowers for you and wrote for you over and over again.
i liked it when you pet my head and held my hand.
i loved it when you told me you loved me.
you loved it when i was on my knees for you,
hugging you and practically kissing the ground you walked on.

but you hurt me.
you stole from me and pushed thorns into my skin,
thinking i would let you.
but i couldn't.
the star exploding sounded like cars crashing now
and the flowers i gave you left me with ****** and spots of blood on my hands.
what was pink was now gray and i couldn't believe you did it.
i said, "no,
don't hurt me,
you hurt me.".
you acted like you cared.
you told me you didn't mean to but i saw the look in your eyes when you told me what you did,
when you did what you did.
i knew what you felt and you didn't' even have to say it.

you told me to come back when i forgave you, if i ever could.
and i wanted to so badly.
i wanted to personally take out the thorns and wrap bandages around my heart.
but i couldn't go back.
i didn't want to anymore.
i was afraid of your true self and i wanted nothing to do with it.
so i stayed away.
what a waste?
months and month of loving you.
giving you everything i should have been giving myself.

not even a week later you found someone new.
my heart ripped open the bandages and bled and bled and bled.
you.
you stole from me and hurt me.
i told you and you left.
you never apologized and that's what hurt most.

it was just that kind of day.
the kind of day where no matter what i did, it wasn't good enough.
the kind of day where i couldn't speak in fear of bursting out crying or laughing or both.

i set it all out in front of me.
books, papers, bracelets, drawings, notes, notebooks filled with diary entries,
i laid it all out in front of me.
looking at these things i felt myself getting smaller.
want to feel like nothing again?
close your eyes and you'll hear what they all said about you, like it's happening right now.

when i'm happy i sometimes forget how the scars on my ankles, thighs, and wrists got there.
three years,
then one,
then four months,
then none.
now i won't keep track but if i think hard enough it's been almost three years again.

then it turned into That kind of day,
everywhere i looked i could hear my parents fighting and even the floor looked like your eyes.
i listened to the songs that got me through it and i listened to the songs that made me feel okay with being small.

it's crazy.
you aren't here anymore, in my life i mean.
months ago, i would be so ******* sad about this fact but...
i'm okay, i'm really happy actually.
if this was still a few months ago, i would still be broken.
but i'm not.
i feel free.
i chose myself, again.
and this time for the long run.
i couldn't stay with how you played with my mind,
convincing me for favors,
making me feel bad for feeling,
making me feel bad for feeling sad because of what You say to me,
but not anymore.
i choose myself.
i'm free.

i spent my days and nights contemplating and making lists of reasons i could stay here.
on thursday,
i couldn't lift my head up on the bus ride home.
i didn't want to look outside for nature would make me want to stay,
and i did Not want to stay,
i don't want to stay.
today
i thought and thought and thought.
my lists are empty and all i have now is the longing feeling for things and people are are no longer here

i saw the look on your face that told me you stayed in your bed for hours on end,
doing nothing and everything at the same time.
you sunk into your mattress and the weight of the world was so heavy on your fragile chest that you couldn't even cry.
the day you lived through seemed like a stretch in time that you couldn't hop out of.
putting down your bags used to feel like there was nothing on your shoulders but instead,
it felt like nothing.
you felt like nothing.
you built a home of dead flowers you still watered in your veins,
you couldn't let go and the worry and fear of living in the present consumed you.
who's afraid of the present?
so you stay home,
you believe you're safe because you're home,
but instead,
your "home" becomes everything and you're left jaw dropped and dragged feet through the life you live.

you keep flying away,
even when you're sober.

where do you go when you fly away?

i closed my eyes tightly before opening them again.
as my eyelids made their way up,
it was revealed that my world was still spinning.
my breathing got heavier and it's strange how something that weighs nothing feels like the weight of the world.
my hand kept writing,
i had to convince myself that i was okay.
it all felt too real.
one moment,
well,
i don't remember how i felt,
but now,
now,
everything feels too Here.
your face and your features are perfectly aligned and i'm afraid of how everyone around me is breathing.
everything was spinning and i could hear your voice but i felt like i couldn't open my mouth.

what am i supposed to do?
what do you want me to do when all i can do is rearrange my room and paint your skies blue
not only to come home with stained hands,
reminding me that i can't make myself as happy as i make you.
what am i supposed to do then?
i've been fighting my demons and eating lunch with them,
i've been doing everything i'm supposed to do
but no matter how friendly they are,

i'll only have peace when i'm gone.
they'll leave when i'm gone.
they won't haunt the hallway leading to my room,
they won't sing songs that sound like nails on a chalkboard to keep me up at night anymore.
what do you want me to do when it's obvious that i'm not wanted here?

i feel like how my father felt every time he came from running away from his mistakes and his garbage,
unwanted,
uneasy,
out of place,
wrong.

so what am i supposed to do?
will arranging flowers and setting up the dining table erase these thoughts?
will painting the house and writing structured words make them think that i am stronger than them?

what do you want me to do?

and on these nights where my smile just slowly fades and time starts to sink in and slow down like honey,
i'll always go back to that song.
our song.

the amount of sleeping pills i would take every night only to force myself to stay awake to feel numb

i'm afraid.
that might be an understatement to the constantly growing size of anxiety and worry in my stomach and mind.
"what are you even scared of? you're only -- years old, you have no reason to be afraid."
but i do!
there are answers to questions asked by parents, teachers, strangers, family, friends,
everyone, everyone is looking for answers that i can't give.
for i thought that living day by day was a good thing.
that's what they taught me,
that's what they all told me to do
but now they've set expectations once it looks like i'm on both my feet.
i'm afraid, mom and dad!!
i stopped planning because i thought i was going to die but i'm here now and i'm completely lost!
so please,
bear with me as i collect my pieces.

i can't wait to love someone the way i love you
and for it to be right,
completely right.
right timing and right person.
it's like you and i were on different pages,
different books,
but we felt the same.
how does that happen?

sometimes i still wish for you.
i wish for when the world ends,
we meet each other again.
different bodies,
different circumstances.
but this time,
same book, same page.
can that happen?

i can't wait to love someone like i loved you again,
and i hope that someone will still be you.

as you told me your worries and i stood there,
looking like a fool,
looking like someone who hasn't been through anything,
i couldn't speak.
one word responses was all i got and in this moment i wish i had read every self help ever made so i could help you.
i wanted it all to come to me,
the things you were looking for whether it be compliments,
advice,
help,

the cure.

worrying about worries that aren't mind shut everything in my body off and i'm sorry.
i wish all you dealt with was put on my shoulders,
it would break me and wear me down to the bone but i can take it if it meant you never felt this way again.

the words that fall from their tired mouth,
comforting another breakdown.
i can see the frustration fill their face when i tell them i feel like i can't breathe,
when i tell them that it feels like the room we're in is collapsing and how it's all a metaphor for my world.
eventually i have to stop telling them when things get bad,
even though they told me to always come to them when it got bad.
they don't mean it,
they all have good hearts but the sentence
"i'm here if you ever need me."
is a lie.
they don't want to hear the series of events leading up to this point.
who am i to tell them what suffocates me when i can't sleep at night?
i can hear their laughs when i cover my sobs with my hands.
they don't mean it when they say they're here for me.
i can hear the way they sigh silently then so loud that i stop crying and my heart and soul fills with guilt.

they don't mean it when they say they'll be here when i get bad again.

notebooks that were filled with your name and how we used to be and how things ended.
there are days where i miss you.
how i miss the way you held my hand or how you told me you loved me even when i was being stupid.
there are days where i hate you.
hate is a strong word, i know but it's the only word in my limited vocabulary to describe these feelings on these days.
i don't miss how you didn't support me
or told me i could never leave you.
there are days that i remember feeling like i was drowning when i was with you.
it took a lot for me to look you in the eye that day and tell you goodbye.

falling asleep in your arms has to be my favorite part,
still.
i will always love watching your eyes go from fluttering to completely shut.
us having competitions as to who could stay awake longer.
tears would be brought to my eyes sometimes from how beautiful you are.
my chest on yours, feeling your breathing slow down and then feeling mine.

it just felt like i was doing everything wrong.
it's beginning hard to tell if your distance is actually there or in my mind.
i know sometimes people get bored but of me, but please,
please, not you.
you're the best thing i've had in a long time
and i know you won't hurt me
but why is this hurting me?
it's not supposed to hurt right? or is it?
i can't tell anymore.
please tell me it's in my head,
please tell me you still like me.
i can count the messages we've exchanged in the past few days on both of my hands and it's terrifying.
i don't know if i'm too much or too little.
i'm used to the abandon and the demanding and the mean,
but no, please,
please, not you.
i keep reassuring myself that you still want to be here, with me.
even though i marked it as a blue day in my mood tracker,
i want to go to sleep knowing you still like me.
i'm afraid it's gone to your head, the things you hear about how we're supposed to be, or how you expected me to be.
please tell me it's in my head,
please tell you still like me.

months passed and one late, late night,
we talked deeply.

i told you about my parents,
you told me about your past.
you told me how much you cared about me.

then you told me you knew.
oh, i knew how obvious i was!
how could i hide it?

you told me not in this moment in time.
your words like thorns on a rose.

beautiful,
yet painful.

it's okay,
you said.

and i told you,
i know.