there are so many drafts of this hidden away,
even from my own eyes.
the eighteenth will be one year.
i miss you.
i've been trying to come up with words to put how i'm feeling but i can't do it.
i miss you,
that's all i can say.
i promised you i'd stay and i'm here.
i miss you and one day, we will be in each others arms again.
save a seat up there for me.
i will forever love you.
i miss you.

i wondered where your eyes went when you would look outside,
or when you, yourself, went when you touched a tree.
it's like you went somewhere else,
or where so grounded that you were that somewhere else.

i sat here thinking,
i thought about how i was beat with words and fists my entire life,
i thought about everything they used to tell me
"you're worthless.
i don't love you.
no one loves you.
you're the reason why you're alone.
you're ugly.
you're fat.
you're a burden.
disappointment.
unlovable."
i remember the bruises, the scratches, the broken heart that i used to believe was broken forever.
it's not.
how am i still here?
how do i still love?
how do i still forgive?
how do i smile?

i find love in everything,
i still find love and find things to love about myself.
i am love,
i am worthy.
they are wrong, they always were.
i am here,
i am staying.

i am love.
i am okay.
i am love, love, and love.

in some eyes, i may still be a kid.
in some eyes, i can take care of myself and i shouldn't be so anxious anymore.
but i am
and i don't know how to keep my hands from shaking.
for the future is so close and i keep pushing it away from me in fear of how i'll end up.

life is beautiful.
i've seen the sun and i've witnessed the universe hugging me.
i've cried over the beauty of flowers and the sky,
and you.
i've deleted every sad song and the scars on my heart feel like they're slowing fading.
but there's still storms sometimes and i don't know why they hit me so hard like ocean waves crashing on the shore.
i lay in bed,
tears running on the sides of my face,
i say your name into my room that seems to be closing in on me.
there are days where there is no strength in my bones to even sit up.
there are days where i can't breathe from all the pain that rises in my soul.
my chest echoes with every sob that's about everything and everyone.
life is beautiful but there's days where i can't even run from the storms and i don't know why.

you called me and asked me over the phone if i liked you.
i was happy to hear your voice.
i told you i did.

when is it my time to be happy again?
the universe doesn't feel next to me anymore and i can't hear the ocean when i close my eyes anymore.
my bouncing, anxious leg kept me awake and i couldn't help but think of you.
oh you,
you,
you,
you.
where are you?
who are you?
when i think of you, you seem like a bad dream now.
a really, really bad dream.
a fairytale of storms and natural disaster.

i thought that if i spoke louder than you then you'd finally be able to hear me
but you don't.
your hands push me away and i remember being stuck to your doorway, i saw how scared your eyes were and the venom you spout out wasn't you,
i knew it wasn't you.
i let you break my heart because it made you feel better
and if my words couldn't then at least the cracking and, ultimately, breaking of my heart would.
and that's all that mattered to me.

last night, i let go of you.
i stopped waiting by the phone,
as if you'd ever even called in the first place.
i closed my eyes and thought of
your rose tinted cheeks,
your smile,
your laugh,
your emerald colored eyes,
the way you said you said you loved me,
the way i could feel you even if you were far away from me,
just one last time
i thought of all these things.
i held my chin up high and i swallowed the lump in my throat.
goodbye.

i found myself at a loss of words.
i held my arms up in defeat when i couldn't find the words to the simplest question,
"how are you?"
because i don't know nor do i want to.
everything seems neutral, like it should be
and it's never been like this.
god, i couldn't stop talking in future tense or in third person.
i've been trying to get better at reading lips but nothing seems to work,
the words you speak don't even go over my head or in one ear and out the other.
from your mouth,
the words on the way to me get diced and grated to the point where my brows are furrowing and eventually
my face getting red asking if you could repeat that
again.

it wasn't enough.
perfect attendance since kindergarten,
straight a's,
president of the student council,
studying to be a doctor or nurse or whatever the ******* wanted me to be.
dad, i'm trying.
dad, am i doing it all wrong?
i hid away my depression and anxiety for it made you uncomfortable.
and i know you don't believe in the black growing sadness that's inside of me and i hid away for so long,
just for you.
i cried and beat my way to where i am now.
for what?
dad, all i wanted was an "i'm proud of you.",
or a pat on the back.

did i do this all wrong?

i wrote and wrote and thought and thought.
eventually i felt the tip of my nose sting and tears welled up in the corners of my eyes.
today, i don't want to blink them away.
today, i don't care if people see me and stare, whispering to their disciples asking who i am.
today, i don't care anymore.
i can't move two steps without wanting to fall to my knees.
my throat closed up and i didn't feel okay anymore.
am i destined to be like this?
is this the chemical imbalance?
is this because my mom left again?
is this the forever aftermath of three years ago?
am i not meant to be happy?
am i not meant to be okay?
is this a sign from the universe,
from your god,
from my god,
that i am not supposed to be here?

she was always my hero.
i think that's why i never got into superhero movies or anything,
because i had one and, better yet, she was my sister.
i've seen the light in her eyes,
it's brighter than the sun.
i've also seen that same light turn into the darkest room in the world.
her soul has been hurt so many times,
her skin bruise,
tear stained face,
and a life that seemed to only be full of bad days.

take me instead of her.
god, gods, universe, anything,
take me instead.
for she still has that light, trust me.
these days and, truthfully, years have been the hardest for her.
take me instead.
she deserves to feel the sunlight on her skin and to feel the grass in between her toes.
take me instead.

i promise you she still has that light.
i can see it in her when she writes or when talks about her favorite songs,
i promise you it's still here.
give her time.
she'll come back.

oh how i regret letting go of your hand.
i still remember the stars in your eyes as we shared this song,
we smiled and that's when i knew the world spun for us.
oh how i regret pushing you away.
i still remember you covering my ears as you waited with me in the cold weather.
we held hands.
oh how i regret letting go of your hand.

you.
oh god, you.
i used to write about how you looked like a flower and how the way you loved me was like stars being born over and over again.
and for a while it was all you were, all we were,
explosions of lust,
of what i thought was love being created between us.
i picked flowers for you and wrote for you over and over again.
i liked it when you pet my head and held my hand.
i loved it when you told me you loved me.
you loved it when i was on my knees for you,
hugging you and practically kissing the ground you walked on.

but you hurt me.
you stole from me and pushed thorns into my skin,
thinking i would let you.
but i couldn't.
the star exploding sounded like cars crashing now
and the flowers i gave you left me with ****** and spots of blood on my hands.
what was pink was now gray and i couldn't believe you did it.
i said, "no,
don't hurt me,
you hurt me.".
you acted like you cared.
you told me you didn't mean to but i saw the look in your eyes when you told me what you did,
when you did what you did.
i knew what you felt and you didn't' even have to say it.

you told me to come back when i forgave you, if i ever could.
and i wanted to so badly.
i wanted to personally take out the thorns and wrap bandages around my heart.
but i couldn't go back.
i didn't want to anymore.
i was afraid of your true self and i wanted nothing to do with it.
so i stayed away.
what a waste?
months and month of loving you.
giving you everything i should have been giving myself.

not even a week later you found someone new.
my heart ripped open the bandages and bled and bled and bled.
you.
you stole from me and hurt me.
i told you and you left.
you never apologized and that's what hurt most.

so !!!! i'm trying to get more out there!

sooooooooo,,,, i made an instagram to post some of my pieces that i've written on here AND also post other art pieces (like watercolor, acrylic, and other types of media pieces)!

if that's something you'd like to see from me, please check out my account.

my @ is moondiiary

diary with two "i"'s !!!!

thank you so much.

- moon

my life feels out of my hands,
being handed over to a fate that i Know how it ends.
the tears rolling down my face feel like rain pouring on a driving car.
it all feels so suffocating.
they all lied when they told me things would change.
do you remember how i was when i was a kid?
my hands never shook and i would go to sleep peacefully.
do you remember that?
please tell me how it feels like to graduate,
those feelings for me seem impossible now.
this sadness is never going away.
i'm at the bottom of an ocean where it's dark and cold.
chained at the bottom,
there is no light.

heaven.
light.
clouds.
flowers.
meadows.
you.
oh god,
You.

i think i'll die twice when i have you in my arms again.
your warmth will be enough to heal me again.
your warmth will be enough for me to forget about the life i lived before you and after you.

i'll tell you about the book i wrote.
giving you a copy and waiting to see your face when you read that it was all dedicated to you.

i'll tell you about my farm.
the apples i've grown,
the animals i saved and took care of,
never slaughtered.

i'll tell you about how i painted and wrote everyday.
that every room in my house was filled with canvases of everything beautiful you can imagine.
that my drawers were filled with papers and notebooks of poems about everything and nothing.

i'll tell you about the heartbreak.
how the past would creep up on me from time to time.
the boy who took my heart for a little bit before giving it back completely broken.

i'll tell you about my best friends and family.
the way their smiles saved my life over and over again.

i'll tell you about how i made it.
i lived my life and now i'm here,
with you.

heaven.
light.
clouds.
flowers.
meadows.
and you.
oh god,
You.

as much as i wanted to go home,
i couldn't.
i tried to calm rapid heart with tricks taught to me by my counselor.
this place made me feel anxious and small,
it left me speechless and  breathless.
i just want to go home.

she ate pop rocks on her first date.
i remember her coming home,
telling me how they laughed at each other because of the popping sounds and how it felt on their tongue.
i'm younger than her but i remember thinking,
"you're so young, girl. you're in love, girl."

you've given me love and showed me what love was.
i don't regret a moment that i was with you,
whether that moment be happy or sad,
we were together and i'll never forget those moments.

but i'm giving you your heart back,
every piece that you've given me.
i wrapped it up tight and snug
and sailing it off to you.

there's a letter inside that says everything i can't put into words.
thank you for loving me
and thank you for letting me love you too.

i can see the sun peaking its light through the cloud.
this sight made me feel like i was in a movie,
this sight hit me with warmth that radiated throughout my body.
i knew that in this moment,
i'm going to be okay when i'm not.
for i, moon, have learned to find happiness in the darkest days.
i hold my head up high and i'm learning to accept the bad feelings that come with bad days and no, i won't let it drown me anymore.
i'm okay.

i tried taking deep breaths,
i really did.
i counted to ten then backwards from ten then up to ten again.
i feel like i could stare at my wall for hours,
i feel nothing and everything right now.
my soul is clinging onto every emotion that it can
and right now,
that emotion is sadness and frustration.
this makes my eyes turn into an ocean and the lump in my throat forms so big i'm convinced i'll always feel this way.
breathing makes my heart feel heavy and i'm at the point where i've bottled everything up that me dropping my pencil might make me lose it.
i close my eyes in hope that it'll stop the tears from running but somehow,
then leave anyways.
i try so hard to push all the bad thoughts and thinking in general away,
"i have homework to do", i say.
suddenly i want to see red but i keep reminding myself,
i have homework to do.
the weight on my chest feels like it'll never leave me.

again,
i feel like nothing.
your touch feels cold and nothing seems warm anymore,
not even the sun.
my stomach kept turning every time i would tell myself that leaving would be the only way out.
i didn't know what to do.
suddenly i forgot what it was like to be happy again.
instead, i started to remember how it felt like to not care what happened after i would take my very last breath.

in my last moments i would be saved,
i just know it.
whether it'll be someone or something,
it will help me find myself.

i told you about things i haven't even told my closest friend.
we met a few months ago and i told you about my parents,
about jake,
about heather,
about my fears and passions.
you held me close and i wrote you poems,
i wrote you melodies and butterflies that danced in the afternoon sky made me think of you.

but,
it all came crashing down.
slowly then all at once.

i looked back at everything that i've written,
out of curiosity.
it's all so different.
every month brought something new or carried something old.
i almost left,
so many times.
but i'm here.
i made it,
almost.
i've almost made it.

i hate how much emotion is held in photographs.

i'm sorry i can't be strong like you want me to be.
my limbs feel heavier than my heart lately and it's hard to look at my friends without wanting to cry.
i still try to stand tall but it's hard today.
the massive lump in my throat got larger when my teachers asked me if i was okay.
because in all honestly,
no, i'm not.  
please hug me and tell me it's okay to cry.
tell me these tears running down my face will eventually stop.
tell me i'm strong enough to make it for two more years.
just less than 730 days and i'll be free.
i'm sorry i broke down today.
you have no idea how badly i wanted to fall when i stood up.
or how badly i wanted to run away from all of this.
i needed someone there,
i needed someone to hold my hand and tell me it's okay.

i always loved the sound of walking through snow.
the way it sounds both muffled and loud,
there was something comforting about the sound of it.
i think it's because it reminded me of my parents,
how things used to be when they were still together.
my sisters and i would come home,
hands red from the cold,
our house would be warm and we'd sit next to the fireplace my father lit for us.
the flames danced with each other,
i could watch them for hours.
do you remember snow?

i think i just needed to be alone with myself for a few minutes.
collect my thoughts and at the same time,
get out of my head.
i felt myself just slowly slipping away,
this feeling still feels familiar and uncomfortable.

i can't wait to love someone the way i love you
and for it to be right,
completely right.
right timing and right person.
it's like you and i were on different pages,
different books,
but we felt the same.
how does that happen?

sometimes i still wish for you.
i wish for when the world ends,
we meet each other again.
different bodies,
different circumstances.
but this time,
same book, same page.
can that happen?

i can't wait to love someone like i loved you again,
and i hope that someone will still be you.

if i never saw you again, i think i would be okay.
i hate myself for missing your touch,
the warmth of your hands in mine felt like the world spun for us.
i hate myself for missing your words,
they made me feel like we were the only people in this universe.
you are everything and nothing at the same time.
i could get lost in your eyes and i remember asking if i could.

you made me feel bad for telling you you hurt my feelings.
a side i've never seen before was revealed and the anger your emerald eyes held made you see red and i was afraid.
i didn't back down.
i let you go and sometimes i worry if i made the right decision.
but i think if i never saw you again, i would be okay.

one night,
we went walking.

days before your birthday.

walking to meet you at the corner curb,
i hid your birthday present behind my back.

i remember reaching you and you were eating a hot pocket.
i fell more in love each time i saw you.

you hugged me after i gave it to you.

i gave you my beret that night too.
complimenting you on how good you looked and how,
yes,
you can pull it off very well.

we walked close that night.

we sat on the swings at the park over the bridge and you told me about your love for constellations.
i don't know much about them and you told me to look at the sky.

one hand on my back,
the other pointing to the sky.

"do you see it?"

i couldn't take my eyes off of You.

i could make my own constellations in the galaxies in your eyes.

beautiful.

i miss you.
i'm coming home.
i forgive you.
please welcome me with open arms.
i'm sorry,
please forgive me.
i miss your warmth,
i need your warmth.
i'm coming home.

i'm nothing.
why am i here?
will i ever be okay?
just breathe, levi.
why i am so useless?
nothing.
nothing.
nothing.

your phone is ringing in your bedroom,
you're too busy in the kitchen talking about another life,
talking about the future
like you're so sure about it.
your vocabulary only has "am",
i see your chest puff out with so much certainty.
i grew up wondering how you did it,
i always wondered what your secret was to making everything okay even when it really, really wasn't okay.
i grew up hoping, wishing, praying that it was genetic,
i wanted to make everything okay too.
but it wasn't,
it wasn't in my bones or my veins or woven into my existence.

it was just that kind of day.
the kind of day where no matter what i did, it wasn't good enough.
the kind of day where i couldn't speak in fear of bursting out crying or laughing or both.

i set it all out in front of me.
books, papers, bracelets, drawings, notes, notebooks filled with diary entries,
i laid it all out in front of me.
looking at these things i felt myself getting smaller.
want to feel like nothing again?
close your eyes and you'll hear what they all said about you, like it's happening right now.

when i'm happy i sometimes forget how the scars on my ankles, thighs, and wrists got there.
three years,
then one,
then four months,
then none.
now i won't keep track but if i think hard enough it's been almost three years again.

then it turned into That kind of day,
everywhere i looked i could hear my parents fighting and even the floor looked like your eyes.
i listened to the songs that got me through it and i listened to the songs that made me feel okay with being small.

sitting in my math, aching hand writing what ever the teacher was,
trying to catch and keep up.
"ok, now you guys do the next problem.",
i sat back and i blanked out.
i don't remember writing any of this,
i don't know what this means,
these numbers,
this page.
i forget where i am and who i am.
i try to ground myself but realize that i'm looking out the window for ten minutes.
i look down at my now shaking hands as the teacher goes over the question and moves on.
i look around,
my head turns and everything is in slow motion.
this can't be happening.
this is first period.
not even noon yet
and i realize i'm crying in my class.
my breathing gets heavier and i can't do anything.
i feel paralyzed and trapped inside my own mind.
i can't get out,
i can't help myself.
so i cry,
in class.
i cry silently then i leave.

never thought i'd make it this far.
so much has happened that has led up to this moment and
i'm
Terrified.
i've been broken, withered down, taped back together and even healed.
the emotional roller coaster that has been brought before me will be ending and next year,
i will be
Free.

then it all went away.

i wonder where it all went.
but it's gone.
i look at you and see nothing.
i look at you and sometimes see them,
him,
her.

why am i here?
people keep lying to me,
saying that this will all pass and before i know it i'll smile again.
i've tried everything to get better,
to be better.
but another year has passed and i wish it hasn't.

you begged for life.
fists clutched,
knees close to giving out
once again.
you closed your eyes and
begged for life.
you wanted to feel something other than this growing anxiety for the unknown
and fear of abandon even from yourself
as if parts of you were already wailing their hats on moving trains.
there had to be something right?
something in the books that you overlooked,
that you haven't tried,
or in other people's words
"haven't tried hard enough".
not wanting to feel is one thing
but begging the joy and the euphoria to fill your veins again is another.
you cranked up every song that used to make you feel alive,
you cleaned every inch of the house,
you rose your hands to the sky together and pleaded to be saved,
shoving every thought of
"this is just my bedroom ceiling."
out of your mind.
you ached to feel,
you begged for life.

i would never have to spend nights crying over the same thing.
i could forget who i am and who i used to be.
is that even a question?

but that isn't a thing.
i will probably never forget who i am or
who i was, or
what i've been through.
there are starting to be more times where i don't know if this is still a chemical imbalance or
i just won't let go of the past even though it's piercing my hands.

she told me to love myself like the way i love honey in my tea or the way love takes over me when i sing my favorite songs.

but i can't.

satan held me closer than you ever had.
they all whispered sweet nothings and empty words into my ears as they "loved" me.
and i believe them.
i believe them when they said they loved me,
every
single
time.
satan played with my hands and looked into my eyes,
telling me that they'll put me back together again.

i wanted to see stars again.
i thought that by now i would be able to
but i can't,
i don't.
you took every star in the sky and threw them away.
give it back, please.

it was so emotional paralyzing.
living, i mean.
there were no other words to describe it other than,
the buildup of emotions in my chest made everything unbearable.
i was so fragile and no one held me.
i wanted so badly to be held.
i couldn't even live for you anymore and i'm sorry.
everything felt like it was closing in on me and at the same time,
everything was so big and i felt so insignificant again.
i kept writing and writing,
"why do i feel like this?
when will it get better?
why does it never get better?"
i'm close to my end and these hands are typing faster and faster,
trying to milk out every single last word that left in me.