i remember standing in front of my bedroom window when i had my first anxiety attack.
my first boyfriend expressed anger towards me and it triggered something in me.
the yelling he had towards me reminded me of my parents.
with my parents, i never got anxiety attacks.
i would just be scared.
but then this happened,
i had to step away.
it was the summer time so i always kept my window open for the air to come in.
so i stepped away and found myself in front of my window.
i heard my heartbeat through my ears and felt its thumping shake my body.
the lump in my throat made it difficult to breathe and i remember thinking that i was going to die in that moment.
i closed my eyes and felt the cold summer wind hit my face.
it was the first time something felt like a hug that wasn't a pair of arms.

when i was younger, i used to take naps when i was sad,
i still do.
it was an escape of reality for me,
i didn't have to think of anything.
it was a break of everything for me.
sometimes, i'd dream of something,
other times, i'd dream of nothing.
i liked dreaming of nothing.
when i dreamt of a white room or complete darkness,
that's when it really felt like a break.

my mind has been racing lately and it's been harder to keep up,
but in conclusion, i have realized this:

1. i am and was never broken
2. i am becoming the person i've always wanted to be, the person i truly am
3. i am okay
4. my growth is not linear but it's still growth

i woke up from my nap feeling like i couldn't breathe.
i paced around my room as i downed the two day old water.
looking at everything made my heart race,
i could feel my heart thump through my chest.
it made its way up to my throat and i couldn't breathe anymore.
my pacing got slower and eventually, i stopped in my steps.
my hands roamed beside me for something to grasp on,
to keep me from falling.
everything felt overwhelming and the air i was breathing felt like it was closing my throat more.
by this time, tears have already made their way onto staining my grey shirt.
i laid down once again,
tears rolling off the sides of my face.
i wanted somebody to hear me,
to come into my room and hug me.
fresh air couldn't help me anymore.
i needed someone to slow my heart down.
pat my back and run their fingers through my hair as a way of telling me that what i'm feeling is real but won't last for long.
but no one heard me.
i tried opening my mouth to speak but all that came out where silent sobs.
i held myself and closing my eyes, pretending my arms where someone elses.

i used to want people to notice, for them to look at me.
everything  i did used to be a cry for help.
that was until,
no one helped me.
they stared at me like an animal in a cage and just
looked
at
me.
everything i do now is for me.
it  always catches me off guard when a friend reaches out to hold my hand on the table.
"is everything okay?"
i wish they would all live their lives.
please don't be concerned for me.

it felt like it all went away in half a second.
when i looked at you,
i didn't see light anymore.
i saw a body with a personality.
i felt like i didn't know you anymore.
nothing fell,
my world did not collapse,
instead, everything went still and all i could hear is our breathing in the silence between us.

dear mother,

i've blocked out every memory of us together.
the scars that have been left will forever be visible.

i still have fight left in me.
on the darkest days, your voice never failed to lift me up.
maybe i'll fail,
maybe i'll still fall in the future,
but i want to keep going.
the growing light and love in me that's caused by your warmth
has kept me going until now
and forever.

the future is terrifying.
just when i feel like i could do the things that i want,
just when i finally have the courage to start telling people what i want to do,
it crumbles down.

it started slow.
we said hi to each other when we walked into class.
then we started greeting each other outside of class.
one day, we talked about music and i started to notice the softness in your voice.
another day, we stood next to each other and joked about putting laxatives in the school water,
the laughter and agreement that filled the air felt fresh and new,
this day i noticed how beautiful his smile was when he laughed along with me.
eventually, when i walked into class,
you got out of your seat and walked across the classroom to simply tell me
good morning.
that's when it started picking up.
time felt warped and even stopped those few minutes i talked to you every morning.
today, you moved from your seat and sat next to me.
i hid my hands under the table,
i didn't want you to see them shake.
i tried not to look at you when you talked to me,
only looking your way when your eyes were averted and focused on your paper.
we shared earbuds today, you showed me Dio but i couldn't listen to it because i was too focused on the way your head moved to the guitar riffs.
when class ended, you asked for my phone number, you held your phone out with one hand and i accepted it with two.
my shaking hands held the phone as i punched in my number,
2.....1.....4.......4.....1...4..............it was torture,
i prayed that you wouldn't notice my hands.
cheers to new found butterflies.

i forgive you.
i'm sending this letter to you through the energy wave lengths that will stay between us forever.
it took a lot of years for me to that i'll forgive you but i'm ready to close the chapter of my life where your name is still printed in.
the mountains i climbed for you to love me where never enough,
the nights i begged for you to not treat me like the gum under your shoe were not worth it.
one day i hope you make peace with your demons like i'm learning to now.
you will always have a piece of my heart,
and no matter how much sadness and anger rises in me thinking of the treatment you gave for years,
i will treat you with kindness and love.
you have no place in my life anymore and that's okay.
i hope one day you can find that happiness you were searching for.

i never wanted to go to sleep, i wanted to stay up and feel your cheeks under my fingertips,
i wanted to trace your face for eternity.
it was these moments where i was happy that i stayed.
out of every life i've lived,
this is my favorite one.
this is the most beautiful moment in life and i'm eternally grateful that you're in all of them.
every moment that has made my cheeks hurt from laughter
or every moment that i've cried from the overwhelming feeling of love in my heart
has been because of you.
i'm thankful for this.

an old friend would tell me that even on my darkest days,
the look in my eyes showed that i still had even at least a small bit of fight left in me.
he would always tell me that but i never believed him,
for when i looked into the mirror,
dark, glossy eyes looked back at me,
eyes that were filled with no hope left,
no fight left.
until now.
i see it.
i see the fight he's talking about.
i see it when i force myself to get up in the morning,
i see it when i speak up and
i see it when i write.

i always felt like i could write a book.
i'm not sure what i'd write about though.
i could write about how ****** i am because my parents,
or how awkward love is even when for adults,
or how, eventually, we all turn thirty and how it's scary that we spent so many years in school only to be thrown naked out into the world.

it's amazing how books can make you feel. i feel like i'm being suffocated by words,
how does that even happen?
even in this room filled with screams, it feels like nothing compared to reading the words,
'i love you".

we grew up together playing house,
i remember one night you called me your king and i called you mine.
it was nothing but a growing, childhood love.
my star projector let us count stars on my bedroom ceiling until we were old enough to sneak out, lay on park benches and count the ones in the sky.
our heads touching each other was the only thing that could help me fall asleep.
time never stopped for us,
even if it did feel like it when we held hands,
we grew taller and eventually,
not even the warmth of my arms was enough for you.
we grew up and apart.
i waited for you one summer night on that bench,
closing my eyes, pretending my hand touching the tip of my head was yours.
the sun began to rise and you never came.
i dreamt that you came and we counted the stars again.
i wanted to count your eyelashes again and see how many galaxies your eyes held again,
but i couldn't.
everything has faded again and
the only time i see you now is when i close my eyes.

their faces became so familiar that i started to feel like i've known their face for my whole life,
even before this lifetime.
thank god they're here.
without them,
i wouldn't be here to write
or love.

ever since the first time i watched ---, i imagined what my afterlife would be like. i never tell this to anyone but i hope it's a garden, with yellow flowers. i write about the sun's heat that doesn't make your sweat or irritated, and i hope that sun is there too.

a part of me wants to be alone and just stay there, until my world dies too. a part of me wants me to be with j, with my little brother, with my grandmother, i think that afterlife would be perfect.

every night recently, i've hoped it's my last. closing my eyes every night, only to see your face, makes me hope that they'll stay closed so i can see you every second again.

but i wake up again. and my dreams of my afterlife, the yellow flowers, the sun, my loved ones, are all gone. again.

we talked and we talked.
my phone laid on my stomach,
waiting for it to buzz,
hoping that it'd be you who lit up my screen.
i felt like it was valentines day in elementary school again.
the butterflies in my stomach fluttered and hit the walls of my stomach every time i thought of you.
you kept calling me cute and i told you that my heart was yours.

the dirt on my palms and knees got harder to wash off,
the skin under it turned red from scrubbing.
my arms ached and it hurt to stand up straight.
i say it all the time but
i wish i could have a hug.
on the hardest days,
the days where i'd walk home crying,
it would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on,
someone to hold me.

you aren't alone in this.
it may seem like you've broken so many mirrors, these bad days will overlap your next life
but that's not the case.
you haven't broken anything,
you are not broken.
give it time.
and i know i always say that to you, "give it time".
you'll be okay one day.
look at everyone you love,
you And them have survived the darkest days
either alone or together.
you got this.
it's okay to fall down sometimes,
it's okay to let yourself lie there too.
but we both know you have the strength to get back up again.
you are loved.
you got this.

i kept seeing that eventually i'd have to let go of your hand
and i didn't even want to think about it.
we promised each other to stay in this space together.
i won't let go.

why should i be here?

it feels like a question that's been planted inside my head for years and years. i ask myself this question during my darkest hours.

but it becomes clear to me when i see you. you, a light, a light that never fails to make me want to stay. looking at you, that answer disappears. not answered, but disappears.

but you aren't there all the time. i end my days alone and once again, that same neon light lights up my room, keeping me from sleeping, keeping me from even imaging you.

i sit facing that sign, tilting my head as if it'll give me answers if i stand differently. it doesn't.

in my darkest hours, i cry. the plans i had for the future: the apple farm, the cafe, the bakery, the dogs and cats, everything, it all seemed pointless and far away.

but eventually, with a flicker, the sign goes dark and, once again, i'm given a break from everything, from myself. eventually, i'll be okay again. eventually, i'll remember that the reasons i'm here are to love...

and of course, making sure i have the apple farm, cafe, bakery, and dogs and cats.

i can clearly remember the sound of sneaking out the front door,
how i would close my eyes when i very, very slowly shut it,
making it seem like if i squeezed my eyes tighter, there would be no sound.
the fresh air is like no other.
looking up at the streetlight lit sky,
i started to run.
first, down my street
then, down the park trail in my neighborhood.
i kept running,
with tears in my eyes.
these secret hours felt like i was truly Free.
in these hours,
i could be anyone i wanted to be,
i could make a story in my head as to why i'm out here at three in the morning.
i sat on the neighborhood slide as i watched the sun rise.
eyelids getting heavier, i tried with all my might to watch the sky change.

last night, i asked god to forgive me,
i asked every god and the universe to forgive me for what i was planning to do.
my face hot from holding in sobs,
i held my hands together,
i brought my forehead down to them
and on my knees,
i asked for forgiveness.

i broke out in sobs.
everything was tinted the most beautiful yellow from the setting sun.
the windows were halfway rolled up,
i screamed.
i couldn't help but pull over and hold myself.
i hugged myself so tightly
until it began to feel like it was your arms.

the shadows grew taller and i watched as the sun slowly yet gracefully fall back into the earth.
before it was completely gone,
i remember seeing its light being cast upon the ocean waves in front of us.
glistening and shining,
something that i don't think i could capture on camera.
we sat there,
not saying a word to each other but we understood everything.
the tips of our shoes became damp from the calm, crashing waves
hugging us.
the tips of our fingers touched and all i could do was close my eyes.
doing this, i relived
Us.

as much as i wanted to go home,
i couldn't.
i tried to calm rapid heart with tricks taught to me by my counselor.
this place made me feel anxious and small,
it left me speechless and  breathless.
i just want to go home.

i had to keep reminding myself that things would be okay.
that even if things aren't okay now,
they will be,
eventually.
after another long, tiring day,
i pat myself on the back.
i felt my muscles ache from doing so but knowing that you're here for me was enough to make me feel better already

you make me want to buy a camera and capture every moment we share together.
loving you feels warm and looks like those cheesy scenarios of couples drinking coffee in a cafe.
i could look at you for hours,
my smile not leaving my face.

again,
i feel like nothing.
your touch feels cold and nothing seems warm anymore,
not even the sun.
my stomach kept turning every time i would tell myself that leaving would be the only way out.
i didn't know what to do.
suddenly i forgot what it was like to be happy again.
instead, i started to remember how it felt like to not care what happened after i would take my very last breath.

i miss you.
it's not even noon and i feel myself getting consumed by the sadness of your absence again.
i miss you.
once again,
the world has reminded me that you're no longer here.
you're so far away and there's no way that i can tell you that i love you with the guarantee that you'll hear it.
the sudden longing and sadness doesn't hit me like a wave anymore,
instead it just consumes me slowly,
knowing that i'll let it happen.
it eats at me like dripping water on paper,
slowly but surely.
i miss you.

the people that loved me before convinced me and told me that i was less than.
i repeated everything they told me until self respect and self love was like it never happened,
like i never had it.
i was broken down into dull pieces of myself,
they used me like people use pebbles to throw in bodies of water.
i didn't know what love was anymore.
this happened again recently,
once it all ended i told my friend,
"the way they talked to me just seemed normal,
i was used to it."
i didn't know that the knifes in my heart were supposed to hurt until i met Her,
she held my heart with care.
it felt warm with her.
how they treated me was Not love,
i know that now.

hold me.
i'll hold you too.
we can sit down and just talk,
about everything.
all the things that's bothering us and all the things we want to do or couldn't.
lets paint the future and make sure we're Both there to see it.

i remember my older sister asking me when i'd be ready to come out the rest of my family and...well, everyone.
i didn't know the answer to that.
the tone of her voice still rings in my mind,
it made me feel like who i was a burden to how she wanted to live.
i know she meant well but i told her i didn't know,
i didn't know when i wanted to come out to everyone and tell them who i am,
how i was still the person they knew.
i still don't know when i want to tell everyone.
the fear inside me rises at the thought.
i'm afraid of losing my friends,
being shunned by family and parents,
i fear for the roof over my head.
when the time does come,
i hope everyone that i was afraid of telling welcome me with open arms.

in these moments,
the world seemed to shake instead of spin.
i forgot to breathe and i kept realizing that i've been holding my breathe without me even realizing it.
i wanted to come down from whatever this was.
i didn't know what i could've grasped onto,
for my arms were flailing everywhere.
my heart raced and i could hear my heartbeat radiate through my bones,
shaking them and making them feel like clanging spoons.
in these moments,
i felt the the urge  to run and keep running until my lungs hurt from the wind.
i wanted to run and escape these feelings.

the disconnect seemed to push me further and further to myself.
the word seemed dark again
and there was nothing for me to hold on onto,
nothing for me to keep me grounded.
everything and everyone felt so far away.
i could hold my friends hands and they could touch my shoulder but i still didn't feel here.

and on these nights where my smile just slowly fades and time starts to sink in and slow down like honey,
i'll always go back to that song.
our song.

in my dreams, you come in forms of light.
if i'm lucky,
i'll see your face again.
i want to cup your face in my hands again.
even it is in my dreams.
please
never stop visiting me in my dreams.

last night, i fell asleep to your voice.
it echoed and bounced off the walls of my mind as my eyelids got heavier.
it felt like soft flower petals and looked like a comforting light.

even though we aren't in each others lives anymore,
i will forever love you.
years after our departure,
i spent regretting and contemplating going back to you.
but i'm happy i didn't.
i'm happy that i let you go.
i remember feeling like a balloon floating into the sky on that day.
whenever i see plants at the store, i'll feel the corners of my lips twitch,
knowing and still remembering how much you loved them.
there are still times and i think there will always be times where i'll want to go back to you,
where i want you to hold me and tell me that it'll be okay.
but that can't happen.
too much has happened and we've out grown each other.
because that's what it was,
we outgrew each other.

i saw you from across the room and tilted my head.
you were talking with a friend.
i wondered about what.
just a small glance towards me would make me panic so thank you for not noticing me.

i always loved the sound of walking through snow.
the way it sounds both muffled and loud,
there was something comforting about the sound of it.
i think it's because it reminded me of my parents,
how things used to be when they were still together.
my sisters and i would come home,
hands red from the cold,
our house would be warm and we'd sit next to the fireplace my father lit for us.
the flames danced with each other,
i could watch them for hours.
do you remember snow?

the sea looked so endless.
i woke up seeing blue hues.
it was early and quiet,
these moments made me feel like the entire world was asleep,
even the earth herself.

you were on the other side of the mirror,
our hands followed each other.
i wanted to reach in front of me for you.
your eye filled with sadness and emptiness.
i just wanted to hold you.
slowly and slowly,
you faded away.
my throat closed up and the tip of my nose stung when i could no longer see you.
please,
for once,
come back to me.
hold my hand and i'll tell you you'll be okay.
don't be far away.
now all i can do is share the moon with you.
who's holding your hand now?
who's comforting you when you feel alone?
please,
don't leave me alone.

the constant war in my head couldn't bring you back,
what could i do to bring you back?
you're so far away from me
yet so close.
if i reached my hand out to you,
would you take it?
can i turn back time to when you were here with me?

i think i just needed to be alone with myself for a few minutes.
collect my thoughts and at the same time,
get out of my head.
i felt myself just slowly slipping away,
this feeling still feels familiar and uncomfortable.

i'm extremely okay with my life and me.
i feel comforted by the fact that one day i'll be owning my own bakery and coffee shop.
i'll be surrounded by the people i love and
i know that they'll love me back too.
i thank the univer for the good and the bad times,
for i know that they'll only do good in the end.

every thought and way that ran through my brain as to how i could tell you,
how i should tell you.
i wanted to write you a note or letter,
maybe even serenade you,
or take it slow and sit next to you in class,
ask you for a pencil and then everything would just play out.
your hand grazed over mine and i swear that,
in this moment,
the world stopped spinning.
i made you a playlist and my finger has been hovering over the send button.
i don't know how to tell you i like you.

i liked the way the sun hit your face.
i could see the acne scars you talked about,
the ones you had when you were in middle school.
i fell in love with it all.
you closed your eyes and sat back.
i counted your eyelashes,
saying i love you every time i counted one.