you made me look in the mirror,
and i mean Really look at it,
look at myself and everything that was behind me.
you helped me let of my past self's hand.
helped me write a farewell letter and lit the match that set it on fire.
you also made me cry.
it felt like the world was crashing and for months i was planning on my last breath.
but i made it.
i'm learning to let go and learn and love all over again.
thank you.
i forgive you.
i forgive myself.

i liked standing in line for hours.
it depended the season but it always seemed to rain.
i remember once my thighs just getting soaked,
i didn't mind it because of how happy i felt.
the growing excitement inside me overpowered any feeling of discomfort from my wet clothes.
then they scanned my ticket,
i remember running to get as close to the barricade as i could.
the ground was cold,
i remember that.
again,
i didn't mind it.
then the lights went dark.
everyone yelled and screamed in happiness.
the moment we were all waiting for.
i remember all of us singing in unison.
everything felt okay,
it felt like This moment was the only moment that mattered.
all the ******* and all the pain was gone,
leaving through our jumping feet.
everyone crowded and closed into each other,
our natural heat made us sweat but
we didn't mind it.
at times it felt suffocating,
when it went quiet,
the world seemed to stop.
i remember someone holding my hand as i stood there as everyone jumped.
this ethereal feeling and ethereal moment was paralyzing,
the squeezing hand held mine and i knew this moment was the most beautiful moment in life.

you're like a star that lost their way and ended up here on earth,
with us,
with me.
your eyes,
oh god your eyes are more beautiful than any falling star,
they'd still be more beautiful even if it was raining crystals.
every time i see you all i can see are crisp autumn leaves,
the feeling of sunshine on my face,
everything good in the world.
when i look at you i start to understand what it means to be in complete awe of someone,
i'm starting to understand what love is because of you.

so i've said earlier that i wanted to put together a book and i've finished it but i wanna print out some copies to give to my friends and family. but it turns out that it's actually pretty expensive lol, so if it's too much to ask for, even a dollar would help!

thank you,
moon

the blue tint of the morning sky made reality feel altered.
i walked with the fog and my hand brushed against every bush and tree that i crossed paths with.
the truth is that
i wanted to run,
i wanted so badly to just scream,
to get everything out.
i thought that the strain of my throat would cure me
or heal me from everything that lead up to this point.
i still don't know if it will.

thank you for sharing your heart with me.
i knew the minute from when we met that we'd be forever.
forever,
as time goes by i convinced myself that it didn't exist until i met you.
i know a lot of people see our relationship as too much but it doesn't matter.
i'll forever love you.
you have the key to my heart.
i thought i'd be sad my entire life.
but having you here,
with me,
reminds me that there's still good out there,
the good will always outweigh the bad.
i'm forever grateful that we crossed paths.
i can't imagine a world without you.
you're my soulmate,
you're my forever.
thank you.

i'll still love you even when the sky begins to fall.
looking at you,
i began to understand how everyone felt when jesus came back.
a sign of relief,
a sign of "hey, it's all going to be okay".

it all just felt like summer.
not summer when you're older but summer when you're a kid.
for me it was running after the ice cream truck,
playing soccer in the park and when i'd get too hot, i'd pour water on the back of my neck.
it's eating strawberries while watching cartoons with my siblings,
waking up early to go to garage sales with my grandmother.
it's all of these things into one big, great feeling.
it's a ball of of light inside that never stops growing.
these things,
these memories,
i hold onto them so tight,
stiching them to my heart as a guarantee that they'll never go away.
loving you feels like this.
but you surpass all of these things that i hold close.
quicker than a heartbeat,
i'd exchange all of these if it meant that we could stay here,
with each other.
loving you feels like summer.
not summer when you're older but summer when you're a kid.

i've always loved writing. for a while i stopped.
last year i lost someone very important to me. it felt like my heart was getting ripped out over and over again.
after he passed away, i felt like writing was all i had left.
although most of the words i typed hurt,
it was an outlet. it saved me.
i remembered why i started writing in the first place and it was because of him,
everything was for him.
i go by moon on here because
this is all for him.
these words show progress and recovery and getting back up from being down,
this is for him.
my moon.

i miss your smile.
i miss how'd you understand me without me even saying a word.
i miss the way your eyes would turn into half moons when you laughed.
i miss that too,
your laughter.
i can't stop replaying that day in my head.
i keep trying to forget but i feel sadness being hung over me,
it's hard to pretend it's not there lately.
to this day,
and until the end of my days,
i'll always wonder what i could've done,
if i could've loved you more than i did,
if we all could've loved you more.
it's been a year since you've felt the grass in between your toes,
or threw your hands over your mouth to muffle your laughter,
or getting to see how things would've turned out differently.
i'm trying.
i've always dedicated everything to you but i hope i'm making you proud.
breathing is harder some days more than others.
i hope you can visit me in my dreams soon,
give my arms a squeeze,
tell me that you're okay up there.
don't forget to save me a seat next to you!
i promise i'll have so much to tell you when it's my time.
i hope you found your peace.
i love you dearly and i would do anything to see you again.
my moon,
my reason for breathing,
my everything.
i miss you.

i want to slip away into the darkness that covers and comforts me.
i want to become one with it,
slipping away from what is and what used to be.

this *** of coffee kept me awake,
it helped my eyes stay open as i watched the dark sky turn into hues of pink and light blue,
it always reminded me of cotton candy.
this *** of coffee,
i felt it's warmth go down my throat and splash around in my empty stomach.
oh how much i would love a cigarette right now.
the combination tastes terrible but, somehow,
it slowed down time.

i remember not being able to hear myself when i spoke.
i looked at my friends reacting to my words i never heard.
it was all very confusing and very scary.
i let whatever covered my ears take over me,
at some point i stopped trying to fight it.
nothing could describe the feeling of when i could hear again,
having to repeat myself to catch up with the conversation i started.

i love you beyond infinity,
around the moon two times,
around saturn,
and touching every star on the way back to you.
i love you.
i love you because with us,
we are never cold,
only warm.
flowers blossom when you're near and i swear life before Us didn't exist.
i love you more than anything.

there are so many drafts of this hidden away,
even from my own eyes.
the eighteenth will be one year.
i miss you.
i've been trying to come up with words to put how i'm feeling but i can't do it.
i miss you,
that's all i can say.
i promised you i'd stay and i'm here.
i miss you and one day, we will be in each others arms again.
save a seat up there for me.
i will forever love you.
i miss you.

the hardest days i remember me falling to my knees.
my head would ache from staining my pillow with tears
and mind felt so heavy that i couldn't speak.
i kept my eyes closed,
still feeling the weight of the world on my chest.
with my eyes closed,
all the pain mixed together,
one thing didn't feel more painful than the other.
but that day ended and passed and i can only recall it in my memories.

i always think about how love wasn't enough in the end.
how i'm still going to write my final note in tears,
not remembering the love that would once save me from being at This point.
how i'm still going to go to sleep and not wake up.
in the end, love wasn't enough.

i just wanted to sit down.
sit down and breathe.
i don't know where but i want to be alone too.
i'll let my mind roam,
get bigger and small again.
i'd forget about everything,
my life,
my worries,
my past,
my future,
everything,
i'd forget it all and breathe.
it'd be like the first moments when i was born,
unaware and unexpierenced of all the pain and hurt that i once knew.
i just want to sit down and forget.

the best words are those written in tears.
mine are written in reopened wounds and the scars on my heart.

my vision was blurry again and the music playing in my eyes felt intoxicating.
my chest felt heavy and it was hard to come back from these feelings that were pushing so very far away.
the music and his words danced around me,
i feel so so dizzy.
i closed my puffy eyes and i saw nothing,
i couldn't imagine your face anymore.

it was so emotional paralyzing.
living, i mean.
there were no other words to describe it other than,
the buildup of emotions in my chest made everything unbearable.
i was so fragile and no one held me.
i wanted so badly to be held.
i couldn't even live for you anymore and i'm sorry.
everything felt like it was closing in on me and at the same time,
everything was so big and i felt so insignificant again.
i kept writing and writing,
"why do i feel like this?
when will it get better?
why does it never get better?"
i'm close to my end and these hands are typing faster and faster,
trying to milk out every single last word that left in me.

i wanted to go to school and listen to my third grade teacher read to us again,
how the stories she read made the corners of my lips turned upwards.
she read about a porcelain bunny rabbit doll, trying to find his way back.
the simplicity and heartbreak molded me.
i wanted to pass out valentine cards to my classmates again.
i remember putting an extra heart sticker on my crush's card,
hands extended out to him with my eyes plastered on the floor,
he gave me child stomach butterflies.
but most of all,
i wanted to go home.
i wanted to lay on our old couches and watch cartoons with my sisters.
i wanted to eat baked potatoes with my family at dinner time.
i wanted my dad to help me with my math homework.
i wanted to go to sleep happy and peacefully,
back when I didn't know what hurt and pain was.
i want to go home.

tears streaming down my face,
my heart aching,
i ask everyone,
"how do you live?".
the lump in my throat never seems to go down.
the growing and growing sadness in the pit of my stomach and in my heart and contaminated every part of my body.
my body hurts when i try to move it
and my lungs don't feel like expanding anymore.
i'm at the end of a line.
so,
how do you live?

on break for almost a week already and this is what i've learned and saw:

1. it gets better
2. school ***** and sometimes it's a lie when they say high school are the best years of your life, most of the time they're not and that's okay
3. i like dressing in really loose clothes
4. after i'm done with school, i think things will get better and be better for me

i felt my cheeks getting plumper as i smiled at you.
your voice made everything quiet,
i could think clearly again,
nothing felt too loud
not even my thoughts that would scream at me all the time.
you had the power to make me want to be here.
you opened your mouth and all i could think of were flowers blooming and trees in the wind.
we laughed and talked all night long,
giving each other hints at christmas presents.
the night came to an end,
it's two in the morning.
"i love you,
good night"
"i love you too."

my life feels out of my hands,
being handed over to a fate that i Know how it ends.
the tears rolling down my face feel like rain pouring on a driving car.
it all feels so suffocating.
they all lied when they told me things would change.
do you remember how i was when i was a kid?
my hands never shook and i would go to sleep peacefully.
do you remember that?
please tell me how it feels like to graduate,
those feelings for me seem impossible now.
this sadness is never going away.
i'm at the bottom of an ocean where it's dark and cold.
chained at the bottom,
there is no light.

i found myself at a loss of words.
i held my arms up in defeat when i couldn't find the words to the simplest question,
"how are you?"
because i don't know nor do i want to.
everything seems neutral, like it should be
and it's never been like this.
god, i couldn't stop talking in future tense or in third person.
i've been trying to get better at reading lips but nothing seems to work,
the words you speak don't even go over my head or in one ear and out the other.
from your mouth,
the words on the way to me get diced and grated to the point where my brows are furrowing and eventually
my face getting red asking if you could repeat that
again.

you've given me love and showed me what love was.
i don't regret a moment that i was with you,
whether that moment be happy or sad,
we were together and i'll never forget those moments.

but i'm giving you your heart back,
every piece that you've given me.
i wrapped it up tight and snug
and sailing it off to you.

there's a letter inside that says everything i can't put into words.
thank you for loving me
and thank you for letting me love you too.

i write about our love sometimes.
how i'll never get over the way your eyes are filled with stars when you smile.
or the way your cheeks turn the most beautiful red when we held hands.
i could write about your obsession with the rings on your fingers and how,
no, they didn't have a story,
they were purely for admiration.
i write about our love.
impacting my heart in such strengths that i can only describe as electric and stars exploding and being made again.
but we aren't good for each other,
that was the hardest conversation i've ever had,
telling you that we couldn't in each other's lives.
the darkest days hung over me like wet clothes.
everything kept piling on.
your words knocked me down when i tried to pick us Both back up,
wanting me to stay underwater with you,
"we have each other.".
i can't forget the look in your eyes when i told you good bye.
i write about our love sometimes,
most of the time i don't feel anything anymore.

the blue morning sky reminded me of when i used to religiously listen to twenty one pilots.
how i'd stay awake in utter sadness and fright.
i never realized the sun came up until the lamp in my room wasn't the only thing providing me light anymore.
anathema would save my life over and over again.
i remember feeling sad as i was asleep,
i'd wake up crying just like how i fell asleep.
i missed everything and nothing at the same time.
i wanted everything to end.
i hated seeing the morning sun,
i hated that i gave myself another chance at life,
over and over again.
my room is so different now,
looking around.
the only thing that's the same is my headboard.

i couldn't focus because of the rain running into the window.
oh how the world was literally gray.
i could see the trees and pavement getting wet from where i was sitting.
i wondered where you were right now?
was this rain your tears?
i wanted to hold you.
i missed the way you cupped my face in your hands,
how your eyes healed me.
the rain brought me out of my trance of you and brought back to my body, to this world
without you.

she ate pop rocks on her first date.
i remember her coming home,
telling me how they laughed at each other because of the popping sounds and how it felt on their tongue.
i'm younger than her but i remember thinking,
"you're so young, girl. you're in love, girl."

i see the trees,
their colors are changing with the season.
beams of sunlight catch my eye as the sun comes from around the corner.
as the wind blows,
i can almost swear there's diamonds in every leaf,
how each individually shines and glistens.
some trees stay still and it makes me want to too.
some trees are growing lemons,
the shade of an organic yellow reminds me of my first grade teacher's blouse,
how she'd love this season too.
i kept trying to hear what they were telling me,
i closed my eyes and heard the wind blow through the trees,
i couldn't make out any words anymore.

there are scars and wounds that never heal from when you beat your fists into me.
the scars all over my body,
my "hiding" places that only pulled the curtain when i knew i was alone.
my hand shook as the blade fell from it.
my mind filled up with every thought possible.
how i never change,
how i will always be as broken as i was the first time i let myself fall.

i've been thinking a lot about my own kids in the future.
how i think that they'd probably have to take care of me,
i don't want that.
i don't want them to see me like this or go through everything i went through.
how i'd try my hardest to protect them from the world with my scarred and bruised body.
how i'd try to fill their head and soul with everything i never had.
i used to roll my eyes when my parents told me they gave me things they didn't have
but i understand and feel for my future kids.
but i will not be my parents,
i will not turn away from my kids,
instead with open arms all the times.
accepting,
forgiving,
loving,
everything i don't have.
i've been thinking about how we'll all live by the sea,
teach them how to hear the wind and let it in to heal your soul and mind,
teach them that it's okay if things get to much.
i'll give them my heart endlessly.
i'll give them everything i never had.

you look like an angel from a renaissance painting.
you are love personified.
it's hard to believe that we're here together,
on this earth,
alive at the same time.
looking at you makes me feel both grounded and out of this world.
i don't why i want to text you all the time,
telling you how even my cereal reminded me of you,
wondering if you'd like the same kind too,
or how i'll call you when i'm laughing at something and i want to share with you too.
sometimes i'll look at you while we're walking together and it'll feel like i'm floating.
everything fits with us.
i'm convinced that we're meant to be alive at the same time.
oh how i don't know how i got this far without your hand to hold.

i was drifting away again.
time seemed to fly over my head and i was left with a reflection looking back at me.
the weight of the world fell on my shoulders again.
the pain that grew in my heart was unbearable again.
again, and again, and again, and again.
i kept feeling like this,
one way or another.
i'm drifting away again,
this time hopefully forever.
i held my hands close to my chest,
not interest in holding onto earth anymore.

your eyes held galaxies.
i will never forget the way you held me close,
the way i held you close.
why would i want to forget someone who i loved so deeply?
looking up at you back then,
i would've dropped everything to be with you.
i still would if you asked me to.

mom,
it feels like my head is someone else.
constantly reminding me of every single thing.
like it's constantly running.
it's hard to speak how i feel,
words just won't come out and i end up speaking in key terms.
there are some days where i can feel the  chemical imbalance in  my brain.
nothing seems to make sense and no matter how hard i pay attention in class,
i can't retain information.
i feel like there's something wrong with me.
nothing feels right,
mom.

the printer isn't working,
or maybe it is
i'm just not doing right.
me,
not knowing if it's the printer or me who's in the wrong.

i feel all alone in this world.
i feel like i could cry for eternities.
nothing made sense anymore.
i couldn't feel my father's love even if he did mean it,
i can't feel it anymore from him.
they don't want me here.
no one wants me here.

my breath hitched as i breathed out sitting here.
they don't care.
they won't care.

i'd go the longest without talking.
the silence ran through my veins,
replacing the blood streaming through them with sadness and the feeling of being empty.
open mouthed,
i forgot how to talk again.
at random times my eyes would get teary again.
who wants me here anyways?

i sat here realizing where the time went.
i feel like just yesterday i was in my mother's arms.
it feels so cold now.
under the rain,
it drowned out my thoughts but it made my heart heavier.
i spent the time now wondering how i ended up feeling so alone.
the concept of time seemed to go over my head as i silently watched the years go by like a movie.
i was speechless.
i was paralyzed.

an airplane and bird cross paths
the worry and anxious feeling in my stomach grew as the airplane slowly got smaller and disappeared into the grey clouds and how the bird kept flying,
just flying in the other direction.
there was something in me,
something in this moment that felt like this scene broke a string in my life.

walking home,
there was no wind,
there was no one outside.
no sign of moving cars or walking dogs on leashes.
i stood there abruptly,
wondering if this is how it would feel to leave and truly be alone.
in this moment,
time stopped for me and it was the most terrifying thing i've yet to experience.

for the longest time, i believed i wasn't meant to be here. living without a reason, walking through these streets with feet that dragged like chains were attached to them.

things now are different. the sky may not always be clear but it'll always be there and i find comfort in that.

it's love. what's always brought me back was love. i was meant to love and to be loved. i am here to love immensely and although that's a simple meaning to my life, it's more than enough for me.

i felt it more tonight than the past few nights.
it was raining today,
looking outside the bus window,
it felt like you were still here.
for a while,
i convince myself you're still here with me,
with us.
i close my eyes and i can hear your voice again.
closing my eyes,
i can see yours,
they hold galaxies and universes inside them.
i try to swallow the lump in my throat,
closing my eyes tighter,
you're not here.
i'll see you again when it's my time but it feels so far away.
i want to hold you again,
i want you to tell me i did well like you always would.

i lifted my head and shifted my eyes to your face as you called my name when you sat down across from me.
i felt myself leave my body.
my vision became blurry and all i could see was your mouth moving.
i asked you if you could repeat that again.
"how are you doing?"
i answered with a long, extended "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum."
the words couldn't come to my mouth,
i couldn't form a two word sentence.
my eyes wandered the ceiling,
like i was looking for myself to come back.
then i answered and you began to talk.
i got closer to your face to read your lips but every word i ever knew left my memory and everything was white.

i couldn't see myself standing on the edge anymore.
i lectured myself before thinking those kinds of thoughts again.
that's not who i am,
and even if it's how i am sometimes,
the happy me is the Real me.
i closed my eyes in your embrace,
this was enough to keep me grounded.
i don't see myself on the edge anymore.

i felt tears run down my cheeks as i thought about everything once again.
how the events in my life lead me to this point in time.
how i am the person i am because of my past and the people in life.
i don't know what this feeling is but i'm feeling.
the lump in my throat grows and climbs upwards to the point where i just stare at my ceiling,
mouth opened,
tears running down my face,
i'm paralyzed in this moment.

i deserve to be happy.
it's taken a lot to finally say that.
i wish time would stop.
i wish i could breathe without worry.
there will be a day where i'll wake up to wind chimes and waves softly crashing,
and this is enough for me.
these tears,
these tears are tears of acceptance and this is enough.

"where are you right now?",
she asked me looking straight into my eyes.
i felt like i could cry in this moment.
i didn't know where  i was.
although you were right in front of me,
you sounded far away.
"bring yourself back."
i felt myself slipped more and more away,
my existence and sense of reality melting from my fingertips while my mind stayed,
stayed here.