Lying awake waiting, waiting for something that you don’t even know, it’ll never come though.
It hurts to wait, it hurts to not know, but why does it hurt?
Is it the quiet?
Is it the darkness?
Is it being alone?
Maybe it’ll go away once I wake up, if I could fall asleep.
Maybe it’ll be just this one night and after it won’t happen again.
Maybe I’ll wake up to find that it was just a nightmare.
Maybe it wont.
Maybe it’ll stay.
Maybe it’ll come back often and I’ll succumb to the pain once more.
Maybe this’ll be the future.
Some Nights… I just hurt.

Beautiful.
Exquisite.
Gorgeous.
Pretty.  
Playful.
Handsome.
Adorable.
Cute.  
Fierce.
Frightening.       ­ 
Wise.
Truthful.  
Intelligent.      
Clever.
Creative.
Unique.
Broken.
Pain.  
Hatred.
Fury.  
Mercy.  
Warmth.    
My never ending Love.

... I'm not there to listen anymore?
... my touch fades away?
... You outgrow my clothes?
... there's no one's to talk to late at night?
... I stop texting You first?
... I stop answering Yours?
... I stop posting online?
... I stop liking other's posts?
... I log off, and never log back on?
... there is no ringing of the phone?
... there is no one picking up?
... all that is left, is memories?
Will You notice when i'm gone?

All the compliments? Every "I love you"? Every "I miss you"? Every "Please don't leave me"? Was it all a lie?
I can't understand how you moved on when I did nothing wrong. Forgetting how I was always there, always jumping to be by your side. Letting you sleep as I held you and pushed your nightmares away. Singing while you slept and you waking up saying your dreams were of me singing to you. Holding on to you through every horrible event... never giving up hope.
But you changed... you gave up on me for no reason. Losing every memory that kept us strong. Losing yourself...
So I give up... you don't want me around because I can still make you smile with one word, one look, and one tear. I can make you laugh with one joke, one laugh, one word. I can tell where you hurt without you saying or showing it. I look at your eyes and feel your pain, sorrow, angry, guilt?
Everyone has a limit, but i have never reached mine. I can withstand any pain, heart shattering pain. So deep, my soul gets cut and shatters!

Who would care?
Who would notice if i stopped messaging everyone?
Who would text my phone, message me on kik, blow up my facebook or even call?
Who would notice if i left?
What would they miss, me or my kindness?
Would they actually notice?
Would they actually care?

"I gtg"
"Brb"
"Ttyl"
"I'll message you later"
"I'll get back to you"
"I'm busy atm"
"I can't talk rn"
**** your lies.
If you're so busy then what is with those 20 posts about being alone? You wouldn't be alone if you talk to the person who you just told to go away.

Rain coming down, trees being pushed around.
Cars driving by, nothing to be seen by the naked eye.
Cloud covered sky, why do you cry?
Are you upset to be covering up the lights?
Are you mourning your loses?
Or, are you celebrating your arrival, all by yourself?
Everyone is here, just waiting for you to  calm.
For when you calm, they'll join you in the night.
Peeking through your transparency and sharing their lights.

Smiling faces,
Empty spaces.
Explicit joking,
Anger provoking.
Juicy scoops,
Useless groups.
Hilarious memes,
Broken dreams.
Spent years,
Shed tears.
Memories destroyed,
Lost in the void

Walking in the rain...
It refreshes your mind, body and soul to the point that your barriers and walls don't exist anymore.
No one can distinguish tears streaming down your face from rain drops collecting on your cheeks.
But, it makes you remember everything you've been through,
And all the pain rushes back so that you can understand that deep down it was necessary, unknown, but in someway.
Throwing yourself to the ground.
You wish it all away.
Grip you head.
Falling...
There is no more.
Not until the smell of petrichor

15 months, a blazing fire is maintained...
2 weeks later and all of it is forgotten with one act...
2 months later, a new hope is found...
1 week later, the match is struck and a fire is kindled...
3 days later, the candle burns out...
The time for each has gotten shorter at an unexpected rate. After each all that is left is the smell of petrichor. It is the only thing that makes me feel safe anymore.

Watching and waiting...
Searching and seeking...
Hurting, but hiding...
They say eyes are the windows to a person's soul, but everyone forgets they show: pain, heartbreak, love, wonder and many more.
Reading someone through their eyes is the sadest thing, for you see every love and every loss in an instant.

Who guides the Heart to make everything decision?
What does the Heart seek for in the darkness?
Where does the Heart go when all is lost and broken?
When will the Heart know there's always going to be pain?
Why does the Heart choose what it chooses, when it knows it can't?
How do you control your own Heart?

A personality.
A mind.
A heart.
A smile.
A laugh.
A tear.
A blade.
A cut.
A scar.
A burn.

Gone are the days of "Goodmorning" to "Goodnight".
Gone are the days of smiling and being "Alright".
Gone are the days...
Gone are the nights...

The eventual "later"; come and gone, why haven't I heard back from either one?
I left myself open to keep them safe, to be taken advantage; leaving chafes.
Protecting and returning by their side, thrown, tossed around and asked to abide.
Abused and used to find their happiness, left alone with your thoughts in the darkness.

Crying from loss, pain, sorrow and even joy. But finding yourself crying from seeing someone smile? Someone is out there who hasn't smiled in a while and when you finally see them smile you let out tears because that's what you've been fighting for, for them to be happy.
To see their cheeks wrinkle, their eyes to light up and their smile sneak onto their lips. To see genuine happiness in someone who you know deserves it. When you know that's how their supposed to be.

**** the world.
**** the liars.
**** the cheaters.
**** the rude ones.
**** the cold ones.
**** the slander.
**** the insults.
**** the pain.
**** the demons in my mind.
****!

Wonder
Worry
Words
Thoughts
Patience
Silence
Loss
Pain

When you see this, "...", anything can run through your mind.
Do you focus on the Wonder, the Pain or Something in between?

Have you ever just sat in a room that's pitch black? Just staring into the dark abyss surrounding you physically, emotionally and spiritually. While you sit there contemplating everything that's on your mind, just think, think about how you know that this is darkness. It's never true darkness. You are able to tell it's dark only because you can see there is only a small amount of light left somewhere out there. Challenge yourself to find the hidden ray of light in the abyss of darkness, then you will understand what you see.

Sitting in the halls are groups of friends talking about their days and nights.
Sitting in the halls are the people who use the time to finish forgotten homework.
Sitting in the hall are the couples who choose to get close to one another and relax.
Sitting in the halls are the ones who look on as they mask the noise with their music.
Sitting in the halls, terrified to socialize are the ones who are holding back tears.
The last group, they are the ones who wrap their arms around their legs, bow their heads into their knees and silently cry.
They cry, for their pain is too much to handle on their own. They don't mean to bother anyone or worry anyone, they are just seeking for relief. Relief from themselves, they don't know what to do but cry.
Sitting in the halls are the proud and confident, the silent and shy, and the terrified ones that cry.

Some people find happiness by giving away their own. They make others happy and expect to be given happiness in return. It's not a bad thing, it is the most beautiful gesture someone can do. To know that you are someone who has been given someone else's happiness to hold onto forever and cherish with all your heart, is the best feeling in the world. But do not forget about the one who gave you their happiness. They are a little more hollow and they don't know how to fill it on their own.