When I heard the vague news today
my mind began swimming
jumping to conclusions
This had to be some accident
some horrible accident.
But now I know
It was no accident
It was planned
purposeful

Maybe you felt  alone in this world.
You weren't
Your family is rushing together
phone calls
everyone is crying

We all miss you

No,
I don't believe you are a coward.
I know what it is like to want to **** yourself.
Only I never had the strength to carry through with it.

I will remember you by the scars on my wrists
I know what you must have been suffering through
No, my god,
You were not alone.
But we feel alone without you.

How do you do it?
Make my heart beat so?
A rhythmic thump-thump,
speeding and reckless at the thought of you.

You dance in my mind
playing in my memories,
The simple things,
seem like so much.

Remember when you offered my a bite of your food?
I refused;
but what if I hadn't;
would we laugh,
and look into each others eyes.

Remember the time you touched my face?
Almost an accident. Almost.
I wish your hands had grabbed my face and pulled my lips into yours,
but your fingers only grazed my cheek.

Remember when you tried to teach me your job?
I watch your hands shape the pizza dough,
stretching and rotating it.
I have never wanted to be a ball of dough more in my life.

Remember all the laughs we've shared?
I wish I could feel those laughs in your chest.
I want to be the air in your lungs.
Breathe me in and out again.
Hold me in an air bag, and breathe each laugh.
Save those breaths,
and the beautiful fog they make.
Save them for me,
years later I will open the bag and release them.
Only a memory of the person they once belonged to.
A shadow of the life they once sustained
But it is enough.
They kept you alive, and humored me.
And I only wish they could breathe for me.
Into me.
All around me.
Give me life.
Give me existence.
Press your mouth into mine and breathe.
Pump my lungs,
and awaken me.
Save my life with your breath.
Your laugh,
brings me life.
Your laugh,
is all I need.

If only we'd never met,
so I could experience you again.

My mistakes
have a sad habit
of coming back to haunt me.
Their ghosts
waking me in the night.
Whispers of
"You're not good enough
you never will be",
ringing in my nightmares.
Walking in my memories.
Replaying the past.
Every tactless word
like a broken record.
But dreams, like insanity
are impossible to escape your own mind
Even if I tell myself
"Don't listen to them,
they don't know you",
the dreams will keep coming.
The ghosts are still there.
Not until I realize
that to rid the spirits
I've got to leave the
Haunted House.

I wish you could be here to feel my heart flutter when I think about you
Funny, because I hardly know you, but I still wish to be in your arms.
Arms which I've ever felt.

You're an enigma to me; mysterious yet captivating,
and I want to solve you.
I want to pick up your pieces and put them together like a jigsaw puzzle.
I want to see the picture they make when they come together,
and cry when I have to take it apart put the pieces back in the box.

I want to fall asleep thinking about you, and get a text message that you are thinking about me too.

I want to hold your hand and trace the lines on your palm, The heart line and life line, and laugh when yours and mine match.

I want to lean in close and whisper secrets only we know
and you'll whisper back that you agree.

I want you to mess my hair up.

I want my mother to be suspicious when I come home wearing your sweatshirt and not mine.

I want to lay out in the grass together watching the clouds with headphones in, listening to Green Day because I know you like them.

I know that much about you.
I know your eyes are brown and dark
and your mother thinks you are gorgeous.

I know your speech slurs when you get excited and start talking fast.

I know you tease me, and I think you like me too, but I don't know that for sure.

I know you have a silly ring of hat hair when you leave work, and I hate it but I love it too.

I know I recall all these things about you to write this poem, and I'm smiling as I think about you.

I wonder what you are doing right now, not this, for sure, you're probably playing Xbox with your friends and thinking about graduating in two weeks.
But not me, I'm thinking about you, funny, I know, because I really hardly know you, but maybe that's okay, maybe one day I will know something about you.