How would you feel if you had someone else in your head?
Another personality that could take over at any minute.
Anyone with DID can tell you that it's not easy.
DID stands for Dissociate Identity Disorder.
This is where a person has more than one personality.
It's caused by trauma that has happened in their lives.
Mostly from childhood to in their teens.
People with DID have "alters".
Alters are the other personalities that come out.
If you only have one, then it is known as Split Personality.
It's actually very interesting and there are signs for it.
Like having black outs and not remembering parts of a day.
Speech and movement become different, along with wardrobe.
And then the personality itself changes, likes and dislikes.
No person with DID is the same.
Everyone has different amounts and different lives.
The only thing that's the same is that they have it.
So if someone goes from being normal to being different.
First see if they are just trying something new.
But if the way they speak and act aren't right.
Then you need to know that something might be wrong.
So if someone says that they have Multiple Personalities.
Or just a Split Personality.
Don't run away and don't call them liars.
Because they are still people and they need their friends.
Besides, once you get to know and understand them.
Then things will seem alright.
It won't seem normal, but it'll be fine.

I told my mom that I wanted to go to New York after I graduate.
But she said no because I have bad anxiety.
Now I know that she just means that she won't support the idea.
Or if I asked, she would say no.
And I understand that she's just worried about me.
But if I don't go due to anxiety.
Then all that does is say that anxiety controls my life.
That it controls how I act.
Basically,  that means that it defines me and who I am.
And even though I have it.
It DOES NOT define me and who I am as a person.
Anxiety is just a PART of me.
And saying that I can't go because I'm anxious isn't right.
That means that my anxiety wins.
That means that it limits what I can and can't do.
There are things about New York that I like and wanna see.
There are people that go there.
And I would like to see them when they go there at times.
Also, there are colleges there.
And I know that they have colleges for acting and/or singing.
And those are two things I love.
And I'm not gonna let my anxiety keep me from going there.
I know that my mom means well.
But once I turn eighteen and graduate high school.
Then it's my decision.
Then I'm the one who determines if I can go or not.
And unless I don't have money.
There won't be anything keeping me from going.
As long as I am calm.
As long as I take deep breaths and know that I'm safe.
Know that it's big.
But it's also a great place where I can learn and have fun.
Which makes me excited.
I know this means that I will need to get a job.
But I will get one.
And did I mention that there are colleges in New York?
I mean, of course there are.
Don't get me wrong, I mean, I've known that all along.
But just never really thought of it.
Not until now when I'm in my Junior year of High School.
One more year and that's it.
One more year and I am out in the real world 365 days.
Every single day of my life.
And I know that I will be a stranger there till I meet people.
But that's nothing new.
The only thing that'll be new is how I handle being alone.
I can hide in the corner.
Or I can face my fears and go there with my head high.
I can say hi to people.
I can smile and nod at others who acknowledge me.
How will I get there?
I'm not sure about how I'll get there at the moment.
Maybe I'll get accepted.
A college might like my application that I send to them.
Or I'll just visit.
Get a job so I can pay for travel and to see a show there.
Or my YouTube Channel.
Yes, I have a YouTube Channel that I use twice a week.
That might help me.
Maybe I can make a career out of my YouTube Channel.
Now, don't argue with me.
I know that it's rare when people make a career off of that.
But I still love it.
I love making videos of myself singing and/or talking.
Not because of my voice.
Because those who know me know I don't like my voice.
I don't know why.
I've just always thought that I wasn't a good singer.
But I think that out of those who know me and teachers.
And then some online.
The only one who truly doesn't like my voice is me.
I'm my own worse critic.
If I see something negative about me I delete it.
Not because it's rude.
Well, that's part of it, but mainly because of me.
My mind will absorb that.
And then I will eventually will start to believe it.
Which is a form of anxiety.
Feeling anxious about how others think of you.
But the truth is.
If people are saying negative things about you.
Either to you or near you.
Or if they are saying something negative online.
Then don't listen.
Because they don't know you or who you are.
They just see the outside.
They don't know how you think or feel.
How could they?
They've never met you or got to know you.
All they know is online.
What they see in a three to ten minute video.
So don't listen.
Don't let what they say that's bad hurt you.
But if you do listen.
Then let it fuel you to be better than before.
Show them who you are.
Don't pay attention when they call you names.
Because they're wrong.
It doesn't matter who you are, they're wrong.
Pay attention to some.
The people who are praising you online.
Who like your voice.
Who like your style and are interested in you.
They want more.
They wanna see you twice a week, they like you.
Your videos mean a lot.
They mean a lot to those people who subscribe.
And they subscribe to you.
Because they like your videos and wanna see more.
Post what you want.
Sing one day and then talk the other, it's your choice.
It's your channel.
And that's what I have to tell myself when I upload.
Whenever I read comments.
And I do read all the comments I get when I get'em.
I don't get a lot.
And I still have a lot to learn when I respond.
I gotta learn to stifle.
Just say thanks and then be done with the person.
I need to do that.
Sometimes I get happy though and forget to.
But I'll get better.
For now, I need to focus on what I wanna do.
Which is make videos.
Wait a minute, what am I talking about now?
Sorry, got off topic.
This is about anxiety, not my YouTube Channel.
Okay, back to anxiety.
As I was saying, I will do what I can to manage it.
I will go there.
I will go to New York one way or another.
Not because I have to.
But because I want to for more reasons than one.
Even if my anxiety is bad.
Which I can admit that it is at times every day.
But I'll get through it.
Anxiety is not going to control me and define me.
I'm going to New York.
The only one who can control that destiny is myself.
And I will get there.
I don't know how or when, but I will.
Let this be a message.
A message for anyone who has to deal with anxiety.
It's not your life.
Anxiety doesn't control you if you don't let it.
Anxiety is a part of you.
But that's all it is, it's just a part of you that sticks.
But it gets better.
And if it can get better for me, than it will for you.

Ever have that feeling like someone's watching you?
That feeling you get when you feel eyes on you all the time?
It makes you feel scared, like they want something.
And when you look, they don't look away, they just stare.
That sense of someone wanting something, but not speaking.
It makes you feel like you want to disappear, not be seen.
Until finally, they walk away, leaving you alone again.
And though, you feel better, it still leaves you wary.
Wary of why that person wouldn't stop staring.
Wary of thinking they might do the same thing again.
Thinking they may come back to stare at you again.
It just makes you feel so wary, like they want your attention.
Being watched is something you don't ever want to be.
Because it's a horrible feeling, that leads to being paranoid.

The word “identity” has two different meanings:
1. The fact of being who or what a person or thing is.
2. A close similarity or affinity.
I would like to focus on the first meaning.
My identity is based on who I am as a person.
It’s based on the things I do and don’t like.
My identity is based on the clothes I wear.
My identity is based on the way I choose to talk.
My identity is based on my thoughts and opinions.
My identity isn’t based on my Autism or Anxiety.
Some people say they’re identity is their Autism.
And if they’re happy with that, that’s great.
But I was just recently diagnosed with Autism.
And while I have had it my entire life.
I didn’t know anything about it.
I did, however, know that I had anxiety issues.
I’ve had anxiety for a long time, and it’s bad.
I can recognize when an attack is gonna happen.
This isn’t always the case, but a lot of the time, it is.
I know what helps me when I have an anxiety attack.
I have an understanding of what I can and can't handle.
My Autism, on the other hand, is still a mystery to me.
I know that it affects the way I think and learn.
I know it’s the reason for why I am sensitive to temperature.
I know it’s why so had such a hard time in school.
But I refuse to say that my Autism and anxiety identify me as a person.
I have known my personality way long never than both my Autism and anxiety combined.
This isn’t true for everyone, but it is for me.
This is the way I choose to approach my Autism and anxiety.
I’m Autistic, and I’m not ashamed of it.
I have anxiety, and I’m working ******* it.
But I’m not Autism, and I’m not Anxiety.
I’m me.
And I will always stand by this train of thought.
I know that there are times when my interests become my coping skills.
But when I’m not anxious, then they are just my interests.
When I’m having an anxiety attack, then they are the skills I need in order to function.
Right now, this isn’t a coping skill.
My writing this, isn’t a form of therapy.
This is an interest of mine.
I love to write, and was thinking about this, so I decided to speak my mind.
I’m happy to say I’m happy right now.
I don’t feel a bit of stress, and if I do, then one of my interests will be used to help me through it.
Until then, I’m just doing what makes me happy.
And I’m happy that I know myself well to recognize this.
You don’t have to agree with me on anything I just said.
I just ask that you respect that these are my opinions.
I’m an individual who just happens to have Autism and anxiety.
Alright, that’s all I got, I’ve just been in a writing mood over the last few days.

This was a hard few days filled with sadness and sometimes frustration.
I was on the defensive when I thought that I was being rudely attacked.
When all it was, was anger over something that had made you so upset.
I guess I wasn't used to having to be careful with my words & thoughts.
Well, let's forget about anything that was ever said between you and I.
I just feel happy that I can finally be fully happy because you now are.
Which means that we can both be happy together and do things now.
I was trying to help and it made me think of where we both are now.
Just thinking of the time that I've wasting not asking for permission.
I can't waste any more time that we both have together, I know that.
Babe, it's you and me, now more than it ever has been before really ever.
I want you to know that I will try to be the best for both you and me.
Wow, I've never written anything like this before now, so I'll stop now.
I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm happy and will be forever more.

Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on, let's go and play.
I never see you anymore,
come out the door,
it's like you've gone away.
We used to be best buddies.
But now we're not.
I wish you would tell me why!
Do you wanna build a snowman?
It doesn't have to be a snowman.
8 year old Elsa: Go away, Anna.
5 year old Anna: Okay, bye.

8 year old Anna: (knocks) Do you wanna build a snowman?
Or ride our bikes around the halls?
I think some company is overdue.
I've started talking to,
the pictures on the walls! (Hang in there, Joan!)
It gets a little lonely.
All these empty rooms,
just watching the hours tick by (tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock)

15 yr old Anna: (Knocks) Elsa?
Please, I know you're in there.
People are asking where you've been.
They say, "Have courage."
And I'm trying to,
I'm right out here for you.
Just let me in.
We only have each other.
It's just you and me.
What are we gonna do?

Do you wanna build a snowman?

There is nothing wrong with being who you are.
This is something that is told to us all the time.
There is nothing wrong with telling the truth.
This is something that is told to us all the time.
There is nothing wrong with having an opinion.
There is nothing wrong with being different.
There is nothing wrong with loving kid things.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be nice.
There is nothing wrong with stating what's right.
There's nothing wrong with saying how you feel.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy.
This is just a simple list of things we are told.
Things that people tend to tell us all the time.
Only, when we live this way, the rules are changed.
We do things that we wanna do, and we get judged.
We say things that we wanna say, we get judged.
We dress a certain way, act a certain way, judged.
We like certain things, we think a certain way.
Whatever we do, it's said to be right or wrong.
There shouldn't be anything wrong with being us.
Being who we are shouldn't come with a price.
We shouldn't have to worry about what others think.
We shouldn't have to be judged by strangers.
By people who don't know us personally, in any way.
There are so many people in the world who are judged.
Who are ridiculed for the way they are, whatever it is.
They feel as though they can't do anything right.
Take some of the most famous people in the world.
We love them for there music, acting, or even both.
But we don't know them, we don't talk with them.
At least, most of the time, we don't talk with them.
Usually, we just watch them online and on TV.
Or we get the opportunity to see them on stage.
And then, we either like them for who they are.
Or we judge them based on what the media says.
We read articles and tend to believe the presses.
Why? Because they have a way to exaggerate?
Because they know how to sell all their stories?
Yes, that's exactly why we believe the press.
And that's why we believe the media, we judge.
And why do I bring up famous people in this?
Because, they are still humans like you and I.
What makes them different is what they do.
They work harder to make music for us.
Or they work harder to put out show and films.
They have careers that take them away a lot.
Does that seem familiar? Because it should.
We have jobs and things apart from families.
There are times where we don't see families.
Why? Because we are busy as well, like them.
Famous people, are not evil, they are human.
And they are judged every single day, really.
And they are judged by the very people who
love them.
We are ALL judged by the people who love us.
Whether it is by friends or family members.
There's not one person who can say otherwise.
If you really think that you've never been judged.
If you really think that you're loved by the whole'
entire world, every state, country, city, and continent.
Then that must mean that you are in your own world.
A world where there is no judgement anywhere.
And while I would love to say that's true, I can't.
I can't because I know that would be a lie.
The truth is, many people are not loved by everyone.
Well, no one can be loved by the entire world.
There are always gonna be people who hate on you.
Whether it's school, towns, press, media, anything.
There's always gonna be judgement everywhere.
And that's just the way it is, it's not fair, but it's true.
I for one think that judging people is wrong.
Do I tend to judge from time to time? Yes, I do.
Why? Because I'm human and do that sometimes.
Do I go around judging? No, I'm not like that.
I don't want to judge people, but I may from time
to time.
And I feel bad about that because that's not nice.
But I'm a human being, and we all make mistakes.
We judge even when we don't think that we are.
And everyone feels the brunt of that, whether they
are famous or not.
Even people who sing at their computers and make
videos to post on YouTube.
These people are judged all the time by people.
Then why do they film anyway? Because they want
to.
They're doing what they love to do the most.
Famous people, are doing what they love to do the
most.
We are doing what we love to do the most.
Whatever it is that we're doing, we do for us.
It doesn't matter if we have to do them or not, we do.
We do things for ourselves, and for each other.
And we speak our minds when we want to.
Even though, we know that we are bound to be judged.
People will not like what we have to say all the time.
And we know that there will be those who are cruel.
Will that keep us from talking? No, because it can't.
We are all strong enough to push on, even if we don't
feel like it.
Because passing judgement is just a thing that happens.
It doesn't define who a person is, or how they were raised.
All it does is make them want to be the best they can be.
Be who they wanna be, and be who others don't see them
as.
Whenever we are told about the things we can do.
We should remember, that those are our real rights.
That we SHOULD be able to do these things.
Without feeling like we're crazy for being who we are.

He was a boy dressed in green who flew into the Nursery one night.
He flew in to retrieve the shadow that had gotten separated from him.
He had his fairy and best friend Tinkerbell fly into the room at first.
He followed about a minute later and told Tinkerbell to find it for him.
He watched Tinkerbell fly over a dresser drawer & asked which one.
He ran over to the drawer that Tinkerbell stayed beside & he opened it.
He takes the shadow out & happily holds it in his arms and hugs it.
He tries to stick the shadow on by just putting it on his head and poses.
He then has to pick the shadow up from the floor when it falls off.
He tries again and then sees soap & says he'll use that to make it stick.
He rubs the soap on the shadow or himself & tries to make it stick.
He starts to get very upset because the shadow won't stick itself to him.
He starts breathing heavily & asks, "What's the matter with you?"
He wakes Wendy & she thinks he's crying. "Boy, why are you crying?"
He answers her differently in the recent version from the others.
He just stands up from where he is and bows to her in the other films.
He stands up in the recent version & says to her, "I'm not crying."
He's told in the recent film that he looks like a boy out of a storybook.
He calls himself a "brave adventurer" & Wendy says, "Who cries."
He looks at Wendy and says to her, more sternly this time, "I don't cry."
He asks what her name is, she says, "Wendy Mira Angela Darling."
He tells her his & says, "It's enough for me." when she asks if that's it.
He looks around & asks, "Is this a real house?" Wendy says, "Yes."
He doesn't ask that in all the other versions, they just exchange names.
He does different things depending on what version you watch.
He goes out in the hall in the recent film when a noise interests him.
He tells her some things about himself, like that he is forgetful.
"Second star to the right and straight on till morning." is where he lives.
He tells Wendy this in every single version when she asks him.
He's asked if he gets letters & says in many films, "I don't get any letters."
He says in the recent film, "I don't get any." with a little shrug.
He also says, "I don't have a mother." when told his mother must get'em.
He puts a hand up & backs up when Wendy tries to hug him.
He says, "You mustn't touch me." Wendy puts her arms down & asks why.
He says, "No one has ever touched me." and just looks at her.
He's told by Wendy, "No wonder you were crying." and looks at her again.
He says, "I told you I wasn't. I just can't get my shadow to stick."
He also tells her, "I tried everything. Even soap." points to the bar of soap.
He gets the shadow on with the help of Wendy & is happy again.
He gets a thimble thinking it's a kiss and gives Wendy one to thank her.
He tells her about Neverland & she tells him that she knows stories.
He tells her to come with him and says that they will both fly to get there.
He says before this that he knows fairies & Wendy meets Tinkerbell.
He allows Wendy's brothers Michael and John to come fly with them too.
He teachers everyone how to fly and then they are off to Neverland.

Drag isn't weird if you know and understand what it is on all levels.
Is it dressing like a man or vice versa? Yes.
But that's only part of what drag is and what it means to people.
First, there are many forms of drag used by people around the world.
There are men who dress in drag as women.
There are women who dress as men.
Then there are Bio Queens or Faux Queens.
Which are drag queens who are performing as their biological gender.
Like when a women puts on drag make-up and looks like a girl.
That's because she is a girl.
She'd just doing a different form of drag because she likes doing drag.
By the way, drag queens are people who dress in drag.
This can be done for fun, as a career choice, and for both reasons.
Some people just dress in drag because they like to.
Others do it because they like making people laugh and have fun.
It's acting because you are becoming someone else when in drag.
It's a full body commitment that takes more than a minute to do.
Someone once said that they thought it was weird to see it on TV.
And I can say that weird was my first impression to when I saw it.
But then I started to get into someone (who will remain nameless unless you want me to reveal them. Which I will when you want me to.)
Who got me to see that drag really was a form of art and not silly.
Drag is a serious and comedic  part of the industry that's noticed.
Shows done at Cabaret's and at ( dare I say it) gay bars.
Yes, it's very common that people who like the same *** do drag.
But let me remind you that plenty of straight people do drag.
But there is a misconception that drag is putting on a wig.
And that is far from the truth because it takes a lot of work.
You're constantly experimenting with make-up and outfits.
You have a collection of wigs that you were daily.
And if you are a drag queen professionally, then you work.
And by that, I mean that you work long days in drag.
By the way, when you are in drag you are covering a lot.
You need to wear a bodysuit that fits the gender and uh.
You also need to do something so your, well, you know.
Friend can't be seen, if you aren't a girl that is.
And you need to pin back your hair so the wig stays.
Which people say is very tight so you need to get used to it.
But believe me when I say that drag isn't weird.
It's a form of expression that tends to help people.
Many performers use drag as a escape coat, you know?
A way to get away from pressure and open up more.
It helps them be who they wanna be and say whatever.
When you're in drag playing a character, it's fun.
Because you can say what you want without worrying.
Because it was said by your drag persona, not you.
So when you see drag on TV and don't get it.
Look it up online and do some research before you judge.
Don't say that it's weird and it's not normal.
Because that's an insult to all the people who do drag.
Drag is a community where there are many people.
Thousands of people believe in drag and do drag.
People are in drag right now going to another city.
Going somewhere because they have a performance.
Where they make you laugh and forget for 2 hours.
You can find humor if you don't let it bug you.
Not all of them are innocent in terms of manner.
Some have a very explicit way of thinking & speech.
But that's their style and how they like to be in drag.
Give it a chance before thinking that it's nuts.
Look into some people and see how they really are.
Look up interviews of people out of drag.
Because they tell you how the character was made.
And then you find out that they are normal people.
They just act for a living as sometimes the other gender.

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to our Senior Prom last year.
Then, he said he would come up with a better way to ask me this year.
So, he spent the last few months thinking and thinking about how to.
Yesterday, he decided on asking me while on one knee , by the cafe.
Only, he realized that it would seem a little strange if he did it that way.
So instead, when we were sitting on our bench today, he just asked me.
He said, "Wanna go to prom?" with a goofy smile on his face, I giggled.
Then, I said, "Sure!" Then we just started talking about prom and stuff.
I can't wait to go to my Senior Prom with someone that I really love.
And, we're also going to the Homecoming dance that's here tomorrow.
He showed me his shirt and tie, which made me smile, I do that a lot.
Just getting to go to the Homecoming Dance and Senior Prom with him.
I can't even begin to explain how happy this makes me feel right now.
I mean, I never imagined that I would have a boyfriend , at all, really.
And then, I asked him out during Sophomore year, and he said yes.
I don't have any idea why, we barely knew each other, but he did.
Then, we got to know each other, and I began to fall in love with him.
Then he got scared of getting hurt and decided to break up with me.
That was last September, and about six months later, he smiled at me.
Then, I found out that he really had never stopped liking me that way.
I asked if he wanted to get back together, this was on April 1st, 2015.
Now, it's been five months, and we are actually stronger than we were.
I love him so much and want to be with him for a very, very long time.
My mom doesn't trust him because of how he hurt me the first time.
And I understand, she says, "You can't marry him, date, but not marry."
And no, I'm not thinking about marriage, I'm only 17, too young.
But, that being said, I really wanna be with him for a long time.
Even if that means just being boyfriend and girlfriend, well, forever.
These four words, "Wanna go to prom?" may seem simple or cliche.
But, not to me, if you ask me what these four words means to me.
To me, these four words mean that he really does love & want me.
That he wants to take me to the most important event of High school.
And mostly, that we are in it for the long haul, we will make it last.
And I really love that he wants to go to these dances & things with me.
Because, I usually don't go, because I feel so out of place, strange.
But when I went two years ago with him, it was completely different.
I started dancing right away, not caring about how weird I looked.
I can't dance, but when I saw him dancing, I just smiled and moved.
He made me feel so comfortable, and he was there for me all night.
When I had an anxiety attack, he sat with me, and bought me Gatorade.
Because he said he wanted to do, "Whatever makes you feel better."
That was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard anyone say to me before.
And now, I look forward to dancing with him, because he's amazing.
I can be myself when I'm with him, and he can be himself with me.
We don't hide things from each other, well, not this time around.
Now, we tell each other about however we're feeling, we care.
These, and many other reasons, are why "Wanna go to prom?"
Means enough for me to write a long paragraph about them :)

During Thanksgiving Break of 2013 I was on my laptop.
Looking up videos on Narcolepsy.
Mainly because I was into discovering what that was.
Anyway, I had watched some videos.
And I suddenly saw a video that was all about her.
And of course I was curious.
It was called "The Best Of Jinkx Monsoon on RPDR".
Short for RuPaul's Drag Race.
And I clicked on the video and decided to watch it.
Immediately, I was hooked.
She was so funny that I laughed at everything she did,
I also learned things.
I learned that she had Narcolepsy and coped with it.
That had me intrigued.
And then I learned that she takes being funny seriously.
She's a campy queen.
But she's also extremely sweet and very humble.
She taught me about drag.
I began watching videos that she did about herself.
She had a film series.
It was called "Drag Becomes Him" where she talked.
And I learned so much.
I learned that there was more to drag than just make-up.
Or hairstyles and clothes.
She really puts her all into everything she does in drag.
Jerick Hoffer is the creator.
He's the one who gets in drag and becomes Jinkx.
And I love his story.
Because he was able to come out and express himself.
Sure it was hard for him.
He would go to his Grandmother's house to change.
His mom knew he was gay.
But she thought that dressing in drag was pushing it.
But his Grandmother didn't care.
She was the one who taught him how a lady should act.
He just does the opposite.
He, as Jinkx, says anything without a filter quite often.
He loves doing drag.
He said that it's something he started doing at age 15.
He was on RPDR Season 5.
Switching back, Jinkx took every single change head on.
Had some trouble along the way.
But won her first challenge while acting on ****** Game.
She portrayed Little Edie.
I suggest looking her up if you don't know who she is.
She had a condition as an adult.
And it caused for her to soon lose all of the hair she had.
Jinkx really loves her.
I also know that she is a huge fan of Adams Family Values.
She has a song about Debbie.
It's called "What About Debbie?" and it explains Debbie.
Talks about why she kills.
Jinkx performs that song a lot now when she performs.
But that's not all.
She opened my eyes in terms of how drag is conceived.
It's really a process.
It takes a great deal of time to get ready and she knows.
She spends three hours!
Just getting into drag because of the time it takes to do so.
Best of all, she loves it.
She has a genuine respect for drag and does it in her way.
She knows a lot more now.
Jerick says that Jinkx has improved since being on RPDR.
And I agree with that.
The make-up has gotten way better and so have the clothes.
I watched Season 6 last year.
And I can talk about what I thought and who I liked.
Tell me if you want me to.
Anyway, Jinkx has taught me so much since I found that video.
And so has Jerick.
Who wants drag to be known as more than impersonation.
He wants to break stereotypes.
He wants for men to be able to play girl roles in more than comedy.
And what's wrong with that?
If a woman can read as a man, why can't a man read as a woman?
He even asked that himself.
And I for one think that is a very fair and true question to ask.
Okay, I'm rambling now.
All I'm trying to say is that Jinkx opened my eyes to drag.
And now I get it.
I know what drag means and why it's really a form of art.
Do I know everything about it?
Of course not, I'm still learning as I discover drag queens.
There are so many styles.
And one of them is campy, which is the style she has.
I can talk more about her.
But I would need to have her as the main topic to say more.
So tell me if I should.
And then I can get into more detail about her and her style.
All I can say right now.
Is that because I found that video of Jinkx, I now am a fan.
Of her and of drag.
I don't think of drag as a weird and bizarre thing anymore.
It's an art form.
And I understand that it's acting as someone else, form of acting.
And that's thanks to Jinkx.
And to Jerick Hoffer, the mastermind behind Jinkx Monsoon.

It doesn't matter what anyone says, there's no right way.
Why? Because everyone is different, so they're attacks are different.
I once compared an anxiety to an exercise in theater arts.
And I was told that having an anxiety attack didn't feel that way.
Well, for me, it does, because that's how it feels for me.
You can't tell me that what I'm feeling is not an anxiety attack.
Just like I can't tell you that you're not having one.
Why? Well, because that would be me just saying you're wrong.
And how can I tell you that what you're feeling is wrong?
I don't know how you react to anxiety, so I can't.
That's why, I know that everyone has different types of anxiety.
You can have a full blown anxiety attack.
You can have a mini one, or it can be just physical and unnoticed.
There is no wrong way to have an anxiety attack.
Everyone experiences anxiety in their own ways, and it's real.
Just know that anxiety can happen in any way.
There's no right or wrong way to have one, they just happen.
Whether you can control them or not, they happen.
All you can do, is do your best to manage them and be okay.
That doesn't mean they'll go away, it doesn't.
This just means that you'll be able to live and cope with them.

People seem to say, "Oh, it's totally fake!"
"Why would you believe anything you see them do?"
"It's all acting."
And that isn't entirely true, at all, but many people won't believe me.
Now, don't tell me I'm wrong, because this is my opinion.
I won't say you're right or wrong in thinking wrestling is fake.
All I'll say is, if you think it's completely fake, then I disagree.
And here's why.
I always ask those I talk to about this the same question.
I ask, "If wrestling is fake, then why do people actually get hurt?"
Then I say, "If wrestling wasn't real, then people would never get injuries that either cost them a few months, or force them to retire."
The reason why I always say this, is because wrestling isn't a joke.
I see people actually get hurt because they botch a move, or land wrong.
I've seen punches and kicks actually connect, and cause someone to get a concussion.
I've seen people get dislocations and broken bones, and wonder how long they'll be out for.
Sure, there are things that can be overexaggerated.
And I won't doubt that injuries can be purely storyline driven.
But, when the person is actually hurt, and needs surgery, how can you call that fake?
How is it fake if the injury causes someone to have to hang up their boots for a while, and go into physical therapy to recover?
How is it fake if it can cost people their careers, or their lives?
Remember what happened to Owen Hart?
He was supposed to come down from the ceiling, but the thing broke, and he fell all the way down to the ring.
People didn't know whether it was real or not, but he ended up dying from injuries sustained from that fall that same night.
Wrestling isn't fake, but it is scripted.
The storylines are scripted, I don't doubt that for a minute.
There are many wrestlers who have feuds on camera, but are friends behind the scenes.
There are people who act like heels, but are the nicest people you'll ever meet, or the other way around.
Mistakes are real, and the bumps they take will actually hurt.
There are things you can fake, and it does take acting in order to portray the right emotion.
But when someone breaks something while wrestling, and is out for a long period of time due to surgery and recovery, then it's hard for me to believe for a second that it's completely fake.
I prefer scripted, so that's what I call it.
Raw is on tonight, so I had this thought in my head, and decided to get it out.
Okay, that's my library post of the day.
I'll talk about something else tomorrow, or the same thing, I don't know.
I just write whatever I feel like, and I thought about this, so I wrote it.
See you tomorrow, bye!

I don't know how anyone would feel about this.
I bet they would stop reading me if I do this.
But this is one of the things that I really love.
And I'd be able to write about it for hours.
So if you are a wrestling fan, then keep reading.
If you're not, the you might wanna stop.

Alright, if you are still reading this, thank you.
Now I can get started and tell you what I know.
I know what a bunch of the moves are called.
And I can tell you who my favorite wrestlers are.
I can even tell you what my favorite storylines are.
I have a variety of wrestlers that I like to watch.
There are some that I don't, but I like the music.
You know, the music they use when they come out.
Anyway, the wrestlers that I like to watch are:
Jeff Hardy, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, John Cena,
The Bella Twins, Kelly Kelly, Mickey James, AJ Lee,
The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Santino Marella,
Trish Stratus, and Brie Bella (on her own).
I love these wrestlers for a lot of reasons.
And if you want, I'll make a separate thing for each.
Just like this if you want me to, and I will.
Anyway, the wrestlers that I like the music to are:
Randy Orton, Edge, RVD, Christian, Eve Torres,
Brie Bella, Trish Stratus, The Rock, Jeff Hardy,
Kelly Kelly, Shawn Michaels,  and Mickie James.
Alright. the names are practically the same.
But that's because the music is very catchy.
My favorite storylines are the following:
Shawn Michaels and JBL (late 08 - early 09)
Brie and Nikki Bella (Happening right now)
Jeff and Matt Hardy (2009)
Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho (2008)
Triple H and Randy Orton (Mid 2009)
The Rock and CM Punk (2012)
Jeff Hardy and CM Punk (2010)
And I'm sure that there are more.
I just can't recall them at the moment.
But I think that this will do for now.
I hope you liked this.
Please give it a like you want me to get
into more detail about the wrestlers.
And if you want me to get into more
detail about the storylines.

Verse 1

I look in, your room, thinking that I would see.
You there, in your bed, sitting up, and watching TV.
It’s still strange, at times.
When I walk in this room.
‘Cause it’s changed, a lot, since the day, you left.
And now, I think, it’s time, for me, to say.
That I, still wish, you were here.


Bridge

Cause you left me way too soon.
Going on is so hard without you.
I dream about you at night.
I still think about you all the time.
Why did you have to go?
Why did you give up on hope?
I know you missed him,
but now I have to miss you too.

Chorus

It’s not fair!
That you had to leave.
And now I’ll never see your face.
How did that seem, like the right thing to do?
Cause it’s been so hard here.
Without you.


Verse 2

I still, remember, that day.
When I woke, and heard, the news.
That you, had past, away.
And were taken out while I slept.
That day, I didn’t, cry.
Didn’t shed, a single, tear.
But that’s not because, I didn’t care.
It’s just that I don’t grief that way.
I smile whenever there’s pain.
Cause if I don’t.
Then I don’t know what else to do.


Bridge

Cause you left me way too soon.
Going on is so hard without you.
I dream about you at night.
I still think about you all the time.
Why did you have to go?
Why did you give up on hope?
I know you missed him,
but now I have to miss you too.


Chorus

It’s not fair!
That you had to leave.
And now I’ll never see your face.
How did that seem, like the right thing to do?
Cause it’s been so hard here.
Without you.


(Instrumental Break)

Different Bridge

I know, that it’s hard, when the one you love, is gone.
And I know you missed him so much.
But where did that leave us?!
Where did that leave me?!
Why was it time to leave?!
You could’ve gotten better!
That’s how I feel!
You could’ve gotten back your strength!
Why didn’t you…?
Wait.



Verse 3

What, am I doing?
Thinking this, could’ve been , avoided.
This didn’t, happen, overnight.
It happened, as the, days passed.
I know, you were, growing weak.
And I know, that you, were in pain.
But I still think, that I, should say.
That I, still wish, you were here.

Bridge Again

Chorus

It’s not fair! (It wasn’t fair)
That you had to leave. (That you had to leave that day)
And now I’ll never see your face. (I’ll never see your face)
How did that seem (how did that seem), like the right thing to do? (Like the right thing to do)
Cause it’s been so hard here. (It’s been so hard here)
Cause it’s been so hard here. (It’s been so hard here)
Cause it’s been so hard here!
Without….
You.
Oooh….
Without you.

I can't get away from him today, no matter how hard I try.
Everywhere I go, he seems to be in the same place.
I go to a different area, and he suddenly appears.
I wish I was just imagining it, but he's really there.
As in; the hall, the library, the cafeteria, I can't escape him.
It seems like I can't feel better, without him appearing again.
I hate not wanting to see him, but it just hurts too much.
When I look at him, I don't see the same guy I loved.
All I see is someone who hurt, used, and betrayed my trust.
I wish I could stop worrying about him, but I can't.
And seeing him just makes me feel worse about everything.
All I know is, it's hard trying to forget about him.
Because I can't pretend that he's not here.
I keep seeing him everywhere.

He wore green and crowed where he went when he was happy.
He could fly through the air by thinking lovely, wonderful thoughts.
He loved to play and have fun with Wendy, Michael, and John.
He was the captain of Neverland, the home of him and the lost boys.
He went from being enemies to one with Tiger Lily and her tribe.
He was swore off and fought with pirates to save the boys and Wendy.
He fought with Captain Hook and cut off his hand, feed it.
He feed it to a crocodile that ticks and follows Captain wherever he goes.
He loves his fairy Tinkerbell and will do anything for her.
He had children clap their hands to save her when she drank the poison.
He said that Tinkerbell did that to save him from Hook.
He was rather forgetful and really hated having to say goodbye to others.
He also didn't like to be hugged or touched by people.
He said this was because he has never been touched and is used to that.
He also has a strong love for his very own shadow.
He loses it at the Darling Nursery and goes back at night to get it.
He tries to stick it on with a bar of soap many times.
He then gets upset and Wendy wakes up, she asks him why he's crying.
He denies doing so and says that he wasn't.
He meets Wendy and tells her about he lives, second to the right and straight on till morning.
He then says that he doesn't have a mother.
He then rolls his eyes when Wendy thinks that, that was why he cried.
He then has to say again that he wasn't crying.
He tells her that his shadow has come off and it won't stick to him.
He then lets her sow it on for him to have again.
He then takes the credit for it and sings for Wendy to say why he's happy.
He takes her and her brothers to Neverland.
He then has to send them home when they all start to get very home sick.
He comes back for spring cleaning years later.
He returns to learn that there is a new child and that it belongs to Wendy.
He is shocked and upset because she grew.
He shakes his head when she tells him and says, "But you promised not to."
He then shakes his head and says, "No."
He does this when Wendy starts to explain to him why she grew at home.
He then starts to get very upset with this.
He asks her in a very recent version what Jane calls Wendy every day.
He sits when Wendy says, "Mother."
He starts to cry and says that it's not alright, meaning she shouldn't have.
He then wakes up Jane from her sleep.
He looks at her when she asks, "Boy, why are you crying?" and denies it.
He tells her, as he told Wendy, that he's not.
He then gets shocked when Jane knows him and he asks her why she does.
He then starts to smile as she explains.
He asks her if she knows any stories, when she asks to learn how to fly.
He then nods when she says, "Lots."
He then asks her if she will tuck him in at night and mend his pockets.
He wants to know if she will be his mother.
He smiles when she says, "Oh yes, Peter, take me with you!" as she stands.
He nods and says, "Very well."
He then tells her what he told Wendy as he sprinkles the fairy dust on her.
He then sings about Neverland again.
He takes Jane's hand and the two of them fly through the window together.
He's a very sweet and gentle British boy.
He never wants to grow up and stays on Neverland in order not to do that.
He doesn't approve of mothers at all.
He says this because he once went home and saw that his had a new child.
He felt as if she had forgotten him.
He rejects Wendy's offer to come with her because of that very reason.
He also knew he would grow up.
He had a big heart and went through so much with Wendy and the boys.
He tells the story of being a child.
His story is about the child in all of us who loves to play and have fun.
He will always be around here.
He will be here and remain in our hearts for the rest of all our lives.

Things are way better than I thought.
Life is great and everything was explained.
I have no reason to feel guilty or sorry.
I have no reason to be filled with anxiety.
It feels like this huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
You know, when all your stress builds up and takes over you?
That's what happened to me, and still does.
But I have a better time controlling it than I did before.
And I have people in my life who help me "stay in control" so to speak.
My family, friends, and my boyfriend <3
I will love these people forever and always.
I might not be great with poetry, I know I'm not.
So, here's a line from a song that I love, and think it sums up my love for people and happiness.
"I Will Always Love You."
Okay... That was a bit weird.
Hope you liked it anyway.
Bye!

I'm doing this for the people who might like or love wrestling & wanna see it.
The first wrestlers I need to talk about are twins.
The Bella Twins.
I love them so much and watch their matches every single day
The Bella Twins are two girls, Brie and Nikki, who wrestle together.
They are identical so they wrestle with a thing they call "Twin Magic".
That's when they switch places with each other whenever one is hurt.
It works most of the time because they look exact the same.
Well, when they first started working they looked completely the same.
There seemed to be no way of knowing who was who.
They did their hair and makeup the same way.
They even wore matching outfits so they wouldn't be told apart.
They did this until about a year or so ago.
Then they started wearing different clothes that didn't match.
Nikki put highlights in her black hair while Brie kept hers the same.
Nikki also got implants which made her chest look bigger than Brie's.
And then you were able to tell who was who the entire time.
But honestly, whether I can tell who is who or not.
I love watching them because they are so very entertaining to me.
I'll write about their storyline that's taking place now separately.
I'll just say that if you like this then you should read the next one.
Because their is never a dull moment with the Bella Twins.

Oh! Also, I watch their show Total Divas.
And I have to say that I immediately got hooked.
They are amazing to watch and it's fun to see them.
See what they're like when they're not in the ring.
Brie has this thing were when she gets drunk.
She gets into "Brie Mode", which is the wild side of her.
It's hilarious when she acts like that, so I laugh a lot.

I feel like I can't get myself back to my normal state.
I come so close, and then get dragged back down.
I'm trying to fight, but I'm losing the battle.
It pulls at me relentlessly, and I can't stop it.
I try to do things that I want to do, but have to rest.
My energy keeps seeping away, after I start to use it.
I love to sing, but it tires me out so easily as of late.
I need to go to school, but it keeps sending me home.
I want to be with my boyfriend, but keep needing to rest.
I'm trying so hard to get back to normal, but I can't.
Why is it so hard to be awake and able to concentrate?
Why do I have to keep going back and forth all the time?
Why do I need to repeat myself to doctors and teachers?
I've been going through this for about three weeks now!
I don't mean to yell, but I just want it to go away.
I need to work on English, but I'm starting to shut down.
I hate feeling like I don't have the energy to get stuff done.
It feels like I may never be able to escape from this Anemia.
Even though, it may be a chronic illness, I still need relief.
All I ask for is some time to feel like my normal self again.
I just want to be able to sing, practice Korean, and do school.
I want to go back to my music lessons, and full school days.
I hate having to confine myself to half days because of this.
It's taking so much effort not to ask to go to the hospital.
I don't know what good that would do, but I hate this.
I just want to know why I keep feeling this way all the time.
I need to find a way out of this fog, and back into normalcy.
Sorry for ranting, but I just needed to get everything out.
It makes me feel better, but now I'm feeling tired once again.
I guess it's time for me to stop and rest for a little while.
But I need to get going with my English work before I can.
This is going to be another rough day, and I need to push.
I'll go now, but before I do, I just have one more thing to say.
If anyone else feels the way I do right now, you're not alone.
I don't know when, but things will change for the better.
And when it does, it will make you feel so much better :)

When writing, nothing is off limits.
Every thought and feeling can be said.
When speaking, everything is limited.
Whatever is said can have consequences.
When writing, time to think is given.
Making it easier to process every word.
When speaking, things can be said wrong.
Leaving others to have to justify their words.
When writing, justifying is a lot easier to do.
Because there's more room for being thorough.
When speaking, misunderstandings are inevitable.
Arguments and fights can always come from it.
When writing, there's time to state every opinion.
Each word can be taken in a more productive way.
When speaking, saying anything can be a mistake.
A simple word or phrase may seem highly offensive.
When writing, words can be said with more clarity.
They can be far easier to understand and relate to.
All in all, writing is easier than speaking.
Because, while your voice says one thing, your writing,
says another.

This might sound like a thing, but it's absolutely true.
The library is the perfect place to get away from all the noise.
Sure, the front desk can be a noisy spot.
And the computer keyboards might be loud when you use them.
But the private cubbies that always have your back turned.
So you know you will always have your privacy.
You don't have to worry about someone talking to you.
Everyone is here to studying, read, or just get away for a while.
And as I sit here, with 13 minutes of computer time left, I am happy.
I know that when this is over, I would have been here for 3 hours.
Well, not quite, but about 3 hours, I got here around 11.
And once my time is up, I will text my grandmother, and she'll come get me.
I know this, because that's the plan we made when we first did this.
Yesterday, I didn't have a plan for the library.
I just knew that I wanted to come here, if not the animal shelter.
The animal shelter is where I'll be going tomorrow.
But that's a different conversation entirely.
As I was saying, I came into the library at around 12:10 yesterday.
I didn't know what I was planning on doing.
Well, that's not true, I came here to get some Japanese studying done.
I sat down at a cubbie, put in my earphones, and turned on Spotify.
I played through almost a full playlist, and filled out almost two pages.
After that, I decided to put my library card to good use.
I found a few books, started to read one, and decided to check them out.
I wasn't even close to leaving, but I wanted to get it out of the way.
The self-checkout wasn't working, so my anxiety was tested.
I had to go up to the front desk, and talk to someone.
Now, I was very nervous, but the person was very nice to me.
I ended up getting a new library card, then went back to the self-checkout.
The first two books worked, but the other one wouldn't go through.
So I had to confront my fear of people for the second time.
I did, and finally had three books to take back to my cubbie.
I started reading a book on Anxiety, and started making notes.
Then I read my other book, then the last one.
Then I checked my social media, played on some apps on my phone.
Then, it was time to go, and I wrote down the order I had done it.
I went with that order today, but instead of the phone games, I came here.
I now have four minutes left, so I have to get going.
What I'm getting at here, is that I also wrote down this plan today.
And I plan on doing this every other day I come here.
What I'm trying to say, is that I was able to plan out my time here.
And I was able to do it on my terms, and I got things done.
The library is a really useful and friendly place.
Okay, I'm gonna go now.
Two minutes left, I'm gonna sign off.
The library is a nice and quiet place.
Enjoy the time you spend in whatever library you go to.
Okay, bye.

This isn't really a poem, or a story, or a song, or... anything really. Sometimes I have a bunch of memories in my head that just keep replaying for no reason and I don't know what to do. So, I'm gonna write them all down right now so I can stop thinking about them. Being told that I don't care about someone when my opinion is different or when I agree with the other person instead of the friend I'm with at the time. I'll remember from time to time that I sided with someone else, so my friend would decide to say that I never side with them, so basically, I don't care. This is why I'm always afraid to state my opinion. Because I know that there are gonna be some people who like what I have to say, and others will get mad. That's why sometimes I think it's better if I just don't talk to people and give my opinion. I know some people may think this sounds ridiculous. But I also know that there have to be other people who feel this way also from time to time. I just feel the need to get it out that when people get mad at me for agreeing with the other person and telling me that I never listen or side with them, it hurts me. Sometimes I just wanna walk away and only talk when asked to. That way, I might be able to say something without feeling like I'm gonna get in trouble for it. Is it that way at home? Not really, sometimes, but not enough for me to get into detail about it. But at school, it's a different story. I've been told a few times by someone I care about that I never listen to them or take their side. But when I do, then I'm their best friend who's always there for them. And that hurts because sometimes I feel like what the other person says makes more since. And I'm sorry if that seems hurtful, I don't mean for it to be that way. I don't like hurting people and I just hate it when I'm basically being told that I don't care because I agree with the other person. Another thing I need to admit is that sometimes people think that I just don't wanna talk to anyone because I'm stuck up or something. No one says that out loud, but it feels like people think that way about me. But I'm not, I'm far from that actually. I'm just a very shy girl who has trouble talking to people I don't know. Do I judge people before I get to know them? Of course not. I think that you should get to know a person before you make any assumptions about them. And I hard to get to know? No, all you have to do is come up to me and I'll talk to you. Will I be shy at first if you walk up to me and I don't know you? Yes. But all you have to do is talk to me and I'll see for myself if you really want me as a friend or not. But I should say that I'm starting come out of my shell. I've made friends with two people in Theater Arts and think that we'll all be close in no time. I'm also not the kind of person who's shy and nervous every second of the day. I'm usually pretty brave if I'm around my friends and family, because I know them. Just remember that I'm a very shy person who suffers from anxiety everyday and sometimes needs to be talked down when I can't do it myself. Well, that's all I can think about right now that I think needed to be said. So, I'm gonna go now. Tell me if you want me to copy the first chapter of my story, or at least part of it, and I will. Bye!

Carla Simmons is gonna be a freshman at Bates Academy in two weeks. She was born in Nebraska and lived there until about two months into summer break. She and her family moved there when her parents were offered jobs to be agents for the Teens Acting Agency. Her parents learned how to be agents after about three years of college in Boston before moving to Nebraska shortly after having her older sister, Maddie. Her sister is now a freshman at LA Acting Academy in Los Angeles, California. Carla only lives about an hour and forty-five minutes away. But she still misses her sister as if she were on the other side of the world. Maddie was the only one who understood her and now she wasn’t gonna be there. But Maddie said that as soon as Carla needed her she’d be there in an instant. Her sister has a car and says that as long as she has a way to get there, she will. Carla is really nervous because no one in this town knows anything about her. No one except for her new teachers and the people where her parents work. Carla is so nervous because she knows that she has something that might get her either laughed or stared at if it happens at school. Her parents try to tell her that other kids do it every now and then. But Carla is still worried because she can’t control it. At any moment, even if she had the best night sleep in the world. No matter how early she goes to bed and how late she gets up in the morning. She is always so tired that she will fall asleep anytime at anyplace. It happens every day and there’s nothing she can do about it. Well, she could talk medicine to help with it. But she says that she doesn't think it would do any good. So she just decides to let it be. So now she has to go to school and hope that nothing happens. How will her life turn out? Read the California Life of Carla Simmons and find out.

Why didn't you tell me sooner?
Why did you act on my loneliness?
Why would you think that was honesty?
How could you think I would just "move on"?
What made you think this was right?
How could you fake feelings for a whole year?
Why would you hurt me like this?
How could you do this to me again?
When will I ever get answers to this questions?
When will I stop having so many unanswered questions?

I've been thinking about this since it happened a few days ago.
There were ways that I could've stopped it.
I could've said that it was me who was thinking those things.
I could've stopped everything from getting so out of control.
Instead, I put myself silently in the middle.
I sat there and watched while someone walked away.
I didn't even walk over to the person when they were only a few feet away.
I regret everything that happened a few days ago and take full responsibility for it.
I didn't mean to start a fight, or make two people made a each other.
And I really didn't mean to just sit there while it was all happening, and keep my mouth shut.
Why did I do that?
Why didn't I say anything?
When she stood up, I should've stopped her.
I had at least five to ten seconds where I could've stopped her.
I could've explained my side and apologized for thinking wrongly.
Or maybe, I could've just said that what she said was because of what I had thought.
But now, everything is a huge mess.
And I'm the person stuck in the middle because I let my stupid anxiety get the best of me.
It's my fault, and I don't deny that.
So what if someone is coming back next year?
So what if she hated my guts for no reason?
Why did I have to start having an anxiety attack and do something like this?
I know some people might think I'm being to ******* myself.
But I could've, no, I should've said something.
I should've stopped her when she stood up.
I should've said that she only thought that because of what I had said.
Now, because of me, I get to be stuck in the middle of a situation.
That I could've prevented by saying something.
And now, I made two people start bringing up more things and that made for a split.
And I don't know what to do.
I can't pick sides, and I won't.
I can't sit with both people at the same time, but I want to.
I just wish that I could go back to that time.
Make things right.
So that way, things could go back to normal.
I love these people so much, and I hate seeing them like this.
Now, I have to face lunch and mornings figuring out where to sit.
One of my friends said that wasn't hard.
Really? It's not?
They might think it's not, but I don't agree.
I hate things the way they are now.
There's so much tension and I keep feeling like I'm gonna let someone down.
Sitting at one table, just once, that's all I ask.
Just one time, so maybe, we can work this out.
I know this situation can be fixed.
I just need to spend some time with everyone.
I don't know if this makes sense, or if this is stupid, or if I just seem like some selfish kid who just wants things back to normal.
But all I know is that I don't know how much longer I can hold this in.
I need to talk to somebody.
I understand everyone else's point of view.
But what about mine?
It's me who started all of this.
I mean, I caused what's happening.
And I think I can fix it, or at least, try to.
So, could I just have one chance?
Please?
I hate seeing how much this hurts everyone.
Even if they don't show it, I know this is hard.
And if we can talk, I'm not picking sides.
I'm gonna call it right down the middle.
Cause there are things that I do and don't agree with from both sides.
Just, please, let me try to both help and fix this.
I feel like I need to.
If not, could someone, please, just talk with me?
I'm sorry about all of this.
Hopefully things will be back to normal soon.
Until then, I'll just have to hope for the best.
And maybe, I'll stop feeling so guilty.

I love to talk about random stuff that doesn't make any sense. Who wants to talk about monkeys and dolphins? See what I mean? I talk about things that make me smile and laugh. Even if it makes me sound like a nutcase. My friends know this about me and don't judge me for it. Freedom! I know, freedom is everything to every kid who wants to get out of school. For me, freedom means being able to have a say in what goes on and wanting to be able to express myself without needing permission first. Permanent! Let's think of dolphins for a minute. They are permanent. It's not like they're going anywhere! Hahahaha! I love to write and be weird everyday. It makes me feel alive. Now I'm gonna sing a song. Did you like it? Oh wait, I didn't write down anything. La, la, la , la , ala. Ala? What's that? I don't know. Okay, bye!

Verse 1:

He noticed her sad eyes,

And asked her why she was so sad.

She said it was because of the way she looked

And he couldn't understand.

Bridge:

But you're the most beautiful girl I've seen.

So why can't you see?

Chorus:

You are the most beautiful and unbelievable

Girl I have ever met

And you are wonderful, simply wonderful.

How could you not know it?

I could tell you in a million ways

Baby I think, you're beautiful, yeah

Verse 2:

She asked him why he felt that way

Since no one had ever said that before

He said that it had always been true

She just didn't know.

Bridge:

He looked at her with love in his eyes

Then he smiled at her and said

Chorus again then:

I've known this from the day we met

Whoa, oh, you're beautiful

Why can't I make you see?

How much you mean to me?

Chorus once more, then:

He noticed her sad eyes,
And asked her why she was so sad.

I texted you one time, to ask if your sister was home.
You said, "Yup."
I asked if you could ask her to text me, since I don't have her number.
You said, "Sure."
I said, "Thanks."
That was the entire conversation between us.
It felt weird, sending you a text.
And your replies made me feel even worse.
It was obvious that you didn't care about hearing from me.
Besides, I asked you to do one thing, and you did nothing.
I got no text from your sister, nor did I get her number.
It's nice to know how much you care about me, your friend.
And more than that, you couldn't even text back "Hi" or "Hello".
If anything, you could've given me an honest answer, but you didn't.
I guess I won't be texting you for anything anymore.
Bye.

It's been a year since you left
and I still miss you a lot.
I'll always miss how much
fun we had together.
I'll miss you forgetting me
my name since I look like mom.
How you would have cartoons
playing in your room.
I know that it was due to your
memory problem.
But it was still good 'cause it
let me know that it wasn't a bad thing.
But I'll never say on here what I watch
when I'm in my room.
That's for my family to know.
But I will say that you watched some
cartoons that I've loved since I was 5.
Thanks for filling me with happy
memories and funny moments.
For saying things that made me both
confused and laugh at the same time.
Thanks for always being supportive
of me and my choices.
Thanks for doing what you were
supposed to when I asked you too.
Thanks for being there when I hurt
my knee.
Even though, there was nothing
that Obama could've done to help lol
Thanks for asking me to sing outside
your door and telling me that it was
wonderful.
And, you're right, Oma.
I'll never know how wonderful it was.
I never think that I have a good voice or
think that I can sing.
But it's nice to know that you loved me
and my voice.
Sorry I sang it in the hallway but my
shyness got the best of me.
But thanks for being patient and
listening to my songs.
You were a real inspiration to me and
I loved every second I got to spend w/ you.
Whenever I sing and listen to Miley Cyrus'
song, "I Miss You" I think of you.
I just wanted you to know how much I miss
and love you.
And I know that I'll be able to see you when
the time comes.
But until then, please keep watching me
from up above.
And I've never said this to anyone before.
But, I consider you and PaPou to be my
guardian angels.
I miss you and love you everyday.

Your great granddaughter,
Tash or (atleast once a day)
Manda <3 :)

RIP Oma

What happened to make you decide to end it on our 1 year anniversary?
When did you decide that pretending you loved me was being honest?
Where did you get the impression that you needed to use me once more?
Why did you have to go & hurt me again, the way you said you wouldn't?
How could you think that I would be okay with being led all year long?
What did I do to deserve being treated this way by someone I really love?
When did you think that lying to me was the right way to be truthful?
Where did you learn you could love someone because they're lonely?
Why did you say yes to liking me when someone else said it for you?
How could I not have seen all the signs that proved you didn't love me?
What made me think that what we were actually meant to be together?
When did my mind decide to forgo any doubts that kept surfacing?
Where did you start giving off vibes that I should've picked up on?
Why didn't I see that you were only "going through the motions"?
How could I not see that my mom was totally right about you?
What made you think that lying to me was the right thing to do?
When did you think that I would love to hear that you never cared?
Where did you get the idea that you could keep your feelings inside?
Why did you think that I needed to be lied to for a whole year by you?
How could you just blurt something out on the very day of our 1 year?
What other questions am I supposed to be asking you before I let go?
When will I finally be able to feel the way I did before you came to me?
Where can I find the happiness I had when you told me you loved me?
Why do I need to go through this heartbreak for the second time?
How could you be so heartless, yet seem so sweet and genuine?
What was I thinking when I tried so hard to keep us from breaking up?
When did I imagine us sitting on your porch, for you to hurt me again?
Where was the first sign of you not really being honest of your feelings?
Why do I care so much about you, after you broke my heart and trust?
How can I be friends with someone who doesn't care about me at all?
What makes you think that you can do something so mean and selfish?
When did you think that using my loneliness to fill yours was honesty?
Where did it occur to you that made you didn't care about me at all?
Why would you decide to take a special day, then rip it to shreds?
How am I supposed to forgive you for what you've done to me?
The truth is, I still wish we were together, though it's not right.
I wish that Friday never happened, and that we were still one.
I loved the times we spent together, and can't act like I didn't.
I can't fake how I feel about someone, unlike the way you did.
I can't find it easy to "go through the motions", the way you did.
I don't say I love someone, only because it seems like "they" like it.
You told me love me way before I had the courage to say it back.
You kept telling me to take my time, and earning my trust back.
And the whole time, you were playing me, knowing it was wrong.
Honestly, you should have told Pat that he was wrong about it.
That you didn't really like me, instead of just go with what he said.
I can't believe you used my loneliness in order to fill your own needs.
I know you were lonely, and I'm sorry, but it doesn't make this right.
You still didn't need to lead me on for a whole year, then break me.
I let down my guard, let you all the way in, and this is the thanks I get!
You know what, I wish I could say I'm over you, but I'm not there yet.
You can pretend that we never existed all you want, but I know we did.
I need to accept the fact that I wasted a year of my life, being used.
And I need to come to terms with having my heart broken once again.
I still see you in my dreams, but it's never for good reasons at all.
Since Friday, I keep seeing you, and you could care less about me.
You tell me that you were using me because I needed you, I felt guilt.
You came to my house to ask if I could help you with school, then left.
Tried to make me think that I wanted to be your friend, you didn't care.
All you cared about was school, like on our 1 year anniversary.
You might not care about me, or love me, or anything, but I still do.
I still love you, & it will be a long time before I do, but I will move on.

Have you ever seen someone get so happy and touched over the little things?
Something so small, that it seems like it shouldn't really mean so much.
Have you ever offered to help someone by picking up whatever it is they needed or dropped?
And have them react with a million thank yous & a look of wonderment?
Why do people tend to get so moved by the little things, no matter how small they are?
Why does doing something so tiny make someone feel so good inside?
The truth is, there's no right answer to this question, people just feel this way.
Because there are some who feel alone every single day in this world.
People who feel like no one likes them or wants to be their friend for some reason.
Or, there are people who need help with something because they are disabled.
Whatever the reason may be, anything you do can make a difference.
This is why, beyond may other reasons, the little things matter to people.

Why is it hard wanting to be happy for yourself? You may ask yourself that when you get something that your friend wanted. Should you feel bad for the other person? If it's something that they really wanted and you got it instead, then sure. But that doesn't mean that you can't be happy for yourself too. I mean, you can get something that you didn't expect and the other person could feel bad because you got it instead of them. If they are a friend of yours, then sure, you can feel bad for them because they feel bad. But you don't need to make yourself feel that you getting what you want instead of the other person. You need to feel happy for yourself because you know what you're getting is supposed to make you feel good because you most likely deserve it. But for some people, they take being happy and gloating as the same thing. Then you can't get mad at the other person for being mad that you're gloating. You can be happy for yourself without gloating about it. Just recognize that the other person is upset and then be happy for yourself in a way that doesn't make the other person feel worse. It's not a hard thing to do and it's a good way to keep everyone happy.

Been in school again after two months, how is it?
Well, you think you know where everything is.
The truth is, you don't have the slightest clue.
You end up quickly walking through the halls.
Trying so hard to find each of your classes.
Some you remember right away, some you don't.
Some schools have a ten minute break, like mine.
Which makes it a bit easier for everyone.
Without it, this would have been even worse.
No matter how long you've been at school.
You will still get lost when looking for classes.
This is just a common thing that's gonna happen.
Why? Because it's just inevitable during week 1.
Don't get discouraged, it will get easier, in time.
Until then, make sure to bring your schedule.
Because if you don't, you rely on your memory.
And that's not always reliable all the time.
I learned that the hard way recently, it's tiring.

This is one of my new favorite songs.
I love Ariana Grande and her new CD.
Well, I don't have it yet, but I have YouTube.
So I can listen to all her new songs.
This one is one of my favorites.
I've song along to this song all day.
I can't wait till I get her CD.

Ever laid down and then woken up feeling dazed and/or confused?
Feeling like it was an entirely different day and even checking.
I've had those moments a few times over the years and don't like it.
I've only taken about three or four naps over the 16 years I've lived.
And I can honestly say that waking up after one is never fun at all.
Always checking the clock and then trying to remember the day,
And then even checking the calendar or your phone to be sure.
Or you wake up and due to blankets are covered in a lot of sweat.
Sweating after a nap is always annoying because then you feel hot.
Luckily, today's nap only brought on confusion without the heat.
Hopefully tomorrow will mean not needing a nap to confuse me.
Or maybe I will actually be able to remember if a nap is needed.
All I'm trying to say is that even though naps really are good.
They are not the best thing to wake up after during the day.

I was in for a surprise of a lifetime Christmas 2014.
Well, actually, that's not entirely true.
It was actually supposed to be New Years Eve of 2014.
But my mom wasn't feeling well.
So I got the tickets on Christmas Morning for 1989.
And if you don't know what I mean.
Then read this and I will explain the whole thing.
I wanted to see Taylor Swift live.
I wanted to go to her 1989 World Tour this year.
Her 2015 1989 World Tour.
But I thought that my family wouldn't have enough.
You know, money for that.
So I convinced myself that I wasn't gonna get to go.
And for a while I  believed.
And then they told me on Christmas that I wouldn't.
They got me a camera instead.
Or, at least, that's what they said and I believed them.
I thought they couldn't trick me.
Well, as it turns out, they fooled me all this time.
Making me think I wasn't going.
When they had the tickets since November 11th!
I can't believe they got me.
I honestly believe that I wasn't gonna see her live.
But I was told to come out.
Because there was another present for me.
So I nodded and walked out.
I was in my room trying to work my new camera.
So I put it down and left.
I went to the living room and was told I had a CD.
And I needed to open a case.
I nodded and opened the case to find paper.
And it had 6 words.
You've bought 2 tickets. Thank you!
And I knew I was going.
I knew that they had gotten the tickets after all.
And then they told me.
They said I wasn't gonna get them till New Years.
They were gonna hide it!
Let me be depressed and sad for a whole week!
And then at midnight.
They were gonna give them to me as a surprise.
Because I wouldn't have....
I wouldn't have expected them after Christmas.
But I was still in shock.
I just said, "What?!" over and over again all day.
I still can't believe it!
Everyone knew she was going on tour before me!
Yia-Yia and PaPou K.
Which is Greek for Grandma and Grandpa.
Knew about the tour 1st.
You don't know how happy this makes me.
I have been a fan of hers.
A fan of Taylor Swift's since I was seven or eight.
When I heard her in 2007.
And then really got into her around 2009 or 2010.
I've been to 2 shows.
I've been to her Speak Now and Red World Tours.
Held at Gillette Stadium.
Which is in Foxborro, Massachusetts near Boston.
That's why my mom's going.
Not for the show, because she loves Boston lol
I don't mind, though.
I get to see Taylor Swift live for the 3rd time!
And that's amazing.
The rest of school vacation flew by after that.
I can't begin to tell you.
To tell you how happy and excited I am right now.
I mean, I can't wait!
I get to see her during her 1989 World Tour.
She's doing 2 shows there.
The 24th and 25th of July, in seven months.
I'm going to the 2nd one.
And I have a camera to film the whole show.
Just need more batteries.
Wanna make sure I don't miss a single thing.
Just wanted to say that.
Wanted to do a follow-up on my last thing.
Because I didn't know.
But now I could tell the rest of the story.
So now, to sum it up.
I'm gonna get to go see Taylor this year! :)

When you wanna feel good, but you feel lousy.
You're usually all smiles, but now you're all frowns.
Being sick is annoying, but even more time consuming.
You have things to do, but you don't have energy to.
The tired feeling doesn't go, it just sits there and waits.
You wanna stay awake, but you're eyes are heavy.
Why can't it just end, leave you alone for a long time?
Why do illnesses think, that you want them around?
Venting helps some, but feeling good would help more.
Wishing is helpful, but it doesn't solve the problem.
All you can do.....
Is wait.

If you watch Psych then you know what I'm talking about.
I've watched that show and love James Roday's character.
Shawn Spencer is my favorite character for many reasons.
He is one of the best observers I've ever seen in this world.
He knows so much, and yet, so little at the same exact time.
He gets confused about the most simple little things in life.
And yet, he knows some much that it helps him in his cases.
He fakes having visions so he doesn't have to have jail time.
But he ends up using his observation skills to work for them.
He works for the Santa Barbara Police Department on Psych.
He does this thing where he puts a hand or both to his head.
And then he has a vision, which is really him remembering.
He takes things that he remembers or clues and uses them.
He gets by pretty well and sometimes gets into some trouble.
But he always gets cases solved because he really loves this.
He cares about the cases and loves using this "gift" of his.
He calls it a gift and is shown to be very, very proud of it.
He gets upset in one episode when he can't use it at all.
Because he didn't remember anything that happened the night before.
He starts venting about how he isn't having any visions.
But he says that he's not giving up because he knows he can't.
He really cares about these visions of him and uses them a lot.
I watch this show because I've liked it from the beginning.
Shawn always makes me laugh and is also very smart.
I love watching him act like he's possessed because it's funny.
He never fails to make me laugh and pay attention to the case.
If you like this show please tell me because I would love to know.

This is a story about a boy who wore a green outfit and hat.
He had a sword that he used to fight off the pirates and Hook.
He had a fairy named Tinkerbell, who was his very best friend.
He loved to play and have fun with the lost boys at Neverland.
He once had a mother, he knows that for sure, but now doesn't.
He told Wendy about how he returned to his home after leaving.
He said that the windows and door were all barred, locked.
He was locked out of his home and was heartbroken by that.
He also said that there was another boy in his bed, another child.
He said that his mother had forgotten about him when he left.
He said this when Wendy tried to get him to go home with her.
He was so sad when he was talking about his home and mother.
He had tears in his eyes as he sang about that very sad evening.
He would've said that he wasn't crying though if asked about it.
He went home, but found that he was not missed there anymore.
He then decided that it was best to not go back to that home again.

When people are being loud, but you are not.
When someone is angry, but not at you.
When a voice is raised, but not because of you.
When a teacher gets mad, but not towards you.
When someone is yelling, but not at you.
When there's bumper to bumper traffic, you're fine.
When you want to say something, just say it.
When it comes to all of these things, don't panic.
When none of these things have anything to do with you.
When you have done nothing wrong.
When you are sitting quietly and listening.
When you are just being honest with someone.
When you are seeing a teacher unhappy.
Don't panic.
Most of the time, these actions are not your fault.
If you never speak, then you're really not at fault.
If you are listening and paying attention, you're fine.
Don't panic about things others are doing.
Don't panic when a teacher is mad at other students.
Don't panic when someone is upset at someone else.
Don't panic when people are being loud in class.
Don't panic when you're not doing anything wrong.
Just tell yourself that you are doing what you need to.
Say that you are doing what the teacher wants you to.
You are not the cause of why things are going wrong.
When a teacher says, "Everyone" or "All of you".
They are not literally talking to "All of you".
It's usually just a few people, or one section.
Especially, if they don't look at you when they are mad.
That should tell you that they are not mad at you at all.
When they smile at you when you raise your hand.
When they are willing to hear you say something.
Then it's clear that they were not speaking to you.
When you feel worried about something.
Try not to overthink it.
And most of all.
Don't panic.

Why’d it happen?
Why’d it happen so suddenly?
Why’d it seem like everything was fine?
Why’d it seem like you were gonna be okay?
Why’d it change so quickly?
Why’d it decide your time had come?
Why’d it decide it was time for you to go?
Why’d it not let you say goodbye to me?
Why’d it think you were supposed to leave?
Why’d it think you couldn’t write anymore?
Why’d it think you couldn’t cut paper hearts?
Why’d it think you couldn’t leave that room?
Why’d it make them think you had pneumonia?
Why’d it make you leave this world last week?
Why’d it decide you had to go so far away?
Why’d it make you leave without another word?
Why’d it make me excited for a letter I won’t get?
Why’d it make me think I would hear from you?
Why’d it make me think that you were okay?
Why’d it make me feel like you could get better?
Why’d it make me hope you would come back?
Why’d it make me wish you would be cured?
Why’d it make me see only the good in this?
Why’d it make me think you wouldn’t like this?
Why’d it give me this pressure in my chest bone?
Why’d it make me have to write all this out?
Why’d it think a poem would help me heal?
Why’d it think that grieving had to be like this?
Why’d it make me unable to shed a tear for you?
Why’d it make me have to ask these questions?
Why’d it take you away from me like this?
Why?
Why will I never have answers to my questions?
Why can I never see you in person again?
Why do I have to watch a video to hear you talk?
Why do I need pictures now to see your face?
Why do I feel sad when I hear Cher songs?
Why did we share that kind of connection?
Why couldn’t you just stay a while longer?
Why couldn’t you leave to get help sooner?
Why did you think nothing was wrong?
Why did you have to be forced to move away?
Why did you always see the good in everything?
Why did you always let me mess up your hair?
Why were you so patient and understanding?
Why did you watch YouTube videos with me?
Why did you agree to be in a video with me?
Why did you think everything I did was fun?
Why did I think everything we did was fun?
Why did I think messing with your hair was fun?
Why am I acting like I don’t know anything?
Why am I questioning why you did those things?
I know you loved watching videos with me.
I know you loved hearing me laugh all the time.
I know that you had gel that made your hair fun.
I know you enjoyed spending time with me.
I know you loved bringing a tote full of gifts.
I know you didn’t want to retire when you did.
I know you enjoyed your job and wanted to stay.
I know that life was very hard for you.
I know that you always put everyone before you.
I know you moved away because you had to.
I know you enjoyed writing letters with me.
I know you loved making those paper hearts.
I know you loved being my Grammie.
I know I loved having you be my Grammie.
I know I only had you in my life for 22 years.
I know my Dad & Uncle now have no parents.
I know you missed Grampie and Casey a lot.
I know Casey was an amazing & sweet dog.
I know Grampie was funny and your love.
I know you missed Casey, then lost Grampie.
I know you’ve missed other people for a while.
I know you fought for those last moments.
I know you thought you would be okay.
I know that you accepted it when it was time.
I know you weren’t in any pain when you left.
I just wish you didn’t have to die to feel at peace.
I just wish you didn’t have to disappear forever.
I just wish I had known that last letter was it.
I wish I had been able to say a real goodbye.
I don’t know what to do with all the letters now.
I don’t know how to move on with you leaving.
I don’t know why I don’t feel like crying.
I don’t know if it’s because emotions are hard.
I don’t know if it’s because Autism is hard.
I just know that I’m happy you’re happy now.
I’m happy you don’t need that tub anymore.
I’m happy you don’t need to worry anymore.
I’m happy I don’t need to worry anymore.
I’m happy that you’re with the people you love.
I’m happy that you are definitely up in the sky.
I’m happy that you’re an angel looking down.
I’m not be religious or like angels, but I love you.
I know that there is more to life than this one.
I know that this isn’t the only life we have.
I know that people are reborn all the time.
I know that we either do it quick, or wait.
I hope you don’t decide to wait for us.
I hope you go right to your new life.
I hope you get to come back however you want.
I hope you’re happy wherever you are now.
I hope I can someday listen to Cher happily.
I can listen now, but she reminds me of you.
I always said that she kinda looks like you.
I can’t thank you enough for making me a fan.
I can’t thank you enough for being here for me.
I hope you know that your love was felt by me.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t write to you more.
I’m just happy you still kept writing to me.
I want you to know that I read every letter.
I kept every single heart that you made for me.
I love how you started to make the envelopes.
I will keep you with me for the rest of my life.
I will never forget you.
I will love you forever and ever.
I will always be your “Sweetie”.
I love you, Grammie.
Goodbye.

"Everything will be fine, you'll see."
"You don't deserve him."
"He's an idiot for treating you that way."
"Don't let him stop you from being yourself."
"Don't waste your time thinking about him."
"Do things that make you happy."
"Thing about the good times you had with him."
"Everything happens for a reason."

Really?
Is that what I'm supposed to do?
Well, thanks for the advice, but it's not really working for me!
I'm sorry, I know you're all just trying to make me feel better.
I'm just not in the mood to hear those cliches right now.
Every single quote is true, but to me, there's nothing but lies.
I can't think of any moment I spent with him, without seeing lies.
The word "love" should never be used, if you don't mean it.
Besides, all I want is for the pain to just leave me alone now.
I'm tired of having my thoughts go back to him all the time.
It's been two nights since I've seen him in my dreams.
I wish I could say I'm happy about that, but I'm not.
There are so many questions that are still left unanswered.
Even when I talked with him on that day, questions were ignored.
How can I trust someone, who lied to me every single day?
There are times when I think I was just too tired to think that day.
That maybe it never happened, and I'll wake up in my bed, happy.
But I know that thinking these things won't make it true.
I know the truth, and it's that he never loved me, but I loved him.
I still love him, though I wish I could forget he ever existed.
He just sits and reads, as if we were never together at all.
How can he act like nothing ever happened between us?
Does he really feel like this whole past year never happened?
Well, he can think whatever he wants, even if I have to bear it.
I just hope I can move on from this, because it's too painful.

There are times when I wished that I never opened my mouth.
I'm so tired of people getting aggravated with me for talking.
When I'm told that I should be able to say whatever I like.
Sometimes I feel like I can't win, like I can never ever win.
And I hate feeling like this every time I open my mouth and speak.
I wish I would stop feeling this way, but the thing is, I can't.
Hopefully one day I'll get over it, I really hope I do.
Because I hate always feeling that way when I say something.

I know there are people who want to hang out.
People who would be willing to come to me.
I'm just not in the place where I can handle that.
Someone might ask why I don't hang out.
Why I don't go places I really want to go to.
Why I miss out on things I would like to be part of.
There's only one reason I can think of.
I'm not ready yet.

I'm not ready for someone to come over and hang out.
I'm not ready to make plans to see someone outside my house.
I'm not ready to just go somewhere and have a good time.
The thought of that fills me with anxiety, and I can't say why.
I don't fully understand my anxiety yet, that's why I have therapy.
That's why I have a case worker talking with me.
I wish I had full independence, but I'm just not there yet.
And the reason for that is just one four word sentence.
I'm not ready yet.

I can't tell you when I'm gonna be better.
I can't tell you when I'm not gonna be tired all the time.
I can't tell you when I'm gonna have my anxiety under control.
I can't tell you when I'll be ready to hang out.
I can't tell you when I'll be ready to have someone come to me.
I can't tell you anything, because I don't have the answers yet.
And people might not understand that, but it's the truth.
All I can do, is what I've been doing for the last few years.
I keep going to therapy, I keep having a case worker.
I keep resting, I keep doing music with Neil, I keep walking.
I keep learning Korean, I keep learning Japanese.
I keep watching wrestling, I keep singing, I keep writing.
I keep doing the things I know how to do.
But I don't do the things that fill me with anxiety for one reason.
I'm not ready yet.

But don't worry about me, because I'm gonna be fine.
I have a support system, and people who understand me.
I know my true friends will wait for me to be ready.
Don't ask me to hang out, because it makes me anxious.
It's not that I don't want to, it's just because I can't handle it yet.
But when I'm ready to do something like invite someone over.
Trust me, it will be a major moment for me.
Because that will mean I'm ready to take that step.
Ready to do something without thinking about it.
And while I'm not there yet, I think about it all the time.
But there are other things that have to come first.
Just remember that it's not that I don't want to socialize.
It's not that I don't want to be someone who goes out.
It's not that I don't want to have complete independence.
It's not that I want to spend my life alone in my room.
It's just the one reason I keep giving in this long thing of mine.
I'm not ready yet.

Just know that if you want to talk to me, and I know you, you can.
I may not be ready to hang out physically.
And I may be uncomfortable with phone calls.
You can always text me, or message me on Facebook.
I'm always logged in, even if I'm not on, so just message me.
I may not message first, because that's just how I am now.
But if you know me, and want to keep in contact with me.
All you have to do, is message me, and I will answer.
And the moment I'm ready to hang out somewhere.
Or ready to have you come to me.
Then I promise you, I will tell you.
Just remember to be patient.
And that this is annoying for me to, because I have to deal with it.
But with the help of doing what I know, and being with family.
With going to my music sessions and having therapy.
With doing the things I like and am comfortable with.
There will come a day in the future when I'll finally be able to say.
I'm ready now.

Until then, just know that I am always here.
Message me if you want to keep in touch.
If I know you, then you know, I can be a chatter box.
And I will let you know when I can hang out without anxiety.
I'm not ready yet...
But one day...
I will be.

Why did you lie to me?
Why wasn't I good enough?
Why did you want me back?
Why did you say you loved me?
Why did you lead me on?
Why did you kiss me?
Why, why, why?

I don't know what to think.
These are just some of the questions I have.
Questions I will never get the answers to.
Because I still only feel hate when I see your face.
The thought of your name gives me anger.
And yet, I still wish I could talk to you.
To ask you all of these questions.
I just want to know why you did all those things.
I need to know why you would treat me like that.
When you knew I was so young and vulnerable.
You were the first guy I ever really fell in love with.
Just hearing your name used to bring a smile to my face.
Hearing your voice made me tingle inside.
Your kisses used to feel like heaven on my lips.
I told you about how I never wanted to have ***.
How I just wasn't into that sort of thing.
And you told me you would love me no matter what.
You even worked hard to regain my trust the second time.
Honestly, I didn't know I was in love, the first time.
We started dating, and I didn't know what I was doing.
So, when we broke up, I didn't feel much pain.
I didn't know how it felt, but I knew seeing you felt weird.
When you said you wanted to get back together, I agreed.
And as we spent our days together, I learned what love was.
I fell for you, fell in love with you, and wanted to be with you.
Then, on our first year anniversary, you broke up with me, again.
That time, I felt it, and I felt my very first broken heart.
That whole year, I was sad, and angry, but still, very sad.
That sadness wasn't good for me, because of how tired I was.
I was sick all that year, and losing you, that made me feel rotten.
That day, you were what gave me strength to go to school.
And when we broke up after school that day, it hit hard.
That whole year, I couldn't help but be sad and depressed.
Every time I saw you, my heart broke again.
I couldn't go into the cafeteria, because you were in there.
I couldn't stand to look at you, because you hurt me so bad.
At graduation, I looked at you, and you barely looked back at me.
Then, that summer, you contacted me on Facebook.
It had been so long, but you messaged me, so I messaged back.
We talked for a long time, and you told me you regretted it.
You regretted breaking up with me, and wanted me back.
I made sure you were serious, and you told me you were.
You even told me you would pinkie swear to never hurt me again.
And foolishly, I fell into your trap, for the third time.
They say third time's the charm, but not this time.
I take pinkie swears very seriously, and you broke yours.
Just a few months before our first anniversary, you texted me.
You started telling me you were scared, then said you weren't.
You admitted how you really felt, you had lied to me, again.
I tried so hard to get you to realize how much you meant to me.
I tried to get you to see how much you loved me too.
However, in the end, all those memories, they did nothing.
I made you a memory book, recapping all of our memories.
I made dozens of notes, and put them in that book.
I told you to read them, but you said, you didn't feel anything.
Those memories, those notes, they meant nothing to you.
Once again, you broke my heart, and I asked you why.
I asked you who made you think it was okay to do that.
What made it okay for you to throw the word love around?
And you said your dad, the man you didn't want to be like.
The man you hated, you did what he did, for the third time.
And now, I don't have a broken heart, I did the first night, though.
But now, all I feel is hatred, anger, and uncertainty.
I ignored you when I saw you at a winter concert at school.
Because I was still so mad at you for what you did to me.
And now, that anger hasn't gone away.
That's why I'm writing all of this on here.
You don't have this, so you will never see it.
But maybe, now I will stop seeing you in my dreams.
Maybe I'll be able to think differently when I hear your name.
Right now, all I can do, is type down all of this.
Type all of my thoughts, knowing you will never find out.
This is all I can do, because if I message you, it might happen.
I might fall into your trap again, another broken promise.
And I can't do that, I won't do that, I refuse to do that again.
I refuse to be another toy for you play with again.
I don't take the word love lightly.
When I said I loved you, I said it, because I meant it.
Whenever we kissed, I felt good, and I thought you felt the same.
Sometimes you wanted to kiss me for a long time.
Then you would hug me, then kiss me again.
You kissed me just right, and I felt so good.
As I type this, I can imagine it, but I know it will never happen.
I know what I thought we had, never existed in the first place.
Those feelings, they were one sided, and yours, they were fake.
I was real, but you were fake.
And now, I will never see you again.
And I will never forgive you, for how you played me three times.
I just hope that one day, when you meet a girl, you won't play her.
I hope you actually fall in love with her, actually care about her.
You say you cared about me, but you never did, not for a minute.
When you meet that girl, don't tell her you love her, if you don't.
Don't throw that word around like it's an every day word.
Because, between two people, it has so much more meaning.
The word describes the way you feel about your other half.
I thought you were my other half, but clearly, I was wrong.
Which is why, I hope you don't hurt the next girl who loves you.
I hope you are real, I hope you mean it when you say you love her.
Please, don't repeat the cycle you created with me.
Because, if you do, you will never have true love.
And for me, I am now scared to fall in love with someone.
Because I'm afraid they'll be lying when they say they love me.
But I hope I find the right guy, who means what he says.
When I ask him if he means it, I hope he tells me the truth.
I hope he doesn't lie to me, the way you did.
I hope he takes the word love as seriously as I do.
And unlike you, I hope he steals my heart, then keeps it.
Take care of yourself, and be better to the next girl.
That's all I can say, before I start repeating myself.
Have a nice life, and find happiness, real happiness.
Well, I'll end this, the way you ended us, "Goodbye, forever."

I'm over it.
I'm over feeling the need to ignore you all the time.
I'm over you acting as if we were never together.
I'm over feel like I need to avoid you all the time.
I'm over thinking about our relationship every day.
I'm over missing you and me being a couple.
I'm over wishing what happened was a dream.
I'm over you acting like I never existed all the time.
I'm over wishing that I could just be with you again.
I'm over wanting to text you every day when I'm home.
I'm over all of it.
But my heart might never be over it.

I began the daily routine for the weekend today.
I can say that it has gone very well, so far.
I really enjoy doing this, as I keep saying.
I just don’t know what else to say about this.
I can say that I added another walk last night.
I wanted to go to my spot one more time.
I did, and it went very well, aside from flies.
I’m having that little issue again, but it’s fine.
I know that flies come with spring and summer.
I might need to start taking bug spray, maybe.
I think I can deal with it, though.
I can’t think of anything else to say.
I’ll talk again tomorrow, bye!

This is not about one thing in particular.
Because love is not about one thing.
Love is meant to describe many things.
The way you feel about people and things.
The way you feel about a pet or clothing.
The limit to love is really endless for us.
The blue sky on a sunny and warm day.
Snow glistening the ground on Christmas.
A baby who gets to grow up with you.
A family member who means the world.
A pet you've had for a very long time.
Christmas, Thanksgiving, family time.
Friends you can tell everything to.
A boyfriend/girlfriend to love and hold.
There is no limit to what you can love.
Love is all around you, even in nature.
Flowers in the garden fill us with love.
An outfit given to you by who you love.
Love is something so unique and true.
Always know that there is love in the air.
Sometimes, it might not seem like it.
But don't stop believing in love.
Just believe that love will find it's way.
Because, in the end, love is there, always.

It's been a lot time,
since I've been on here.
Things have changed,
and school is now over.
Graduation came and went,
now I get to stay at home.
I haven't been on here,
in a very long time.
I don't know if anyone sees me,
or even cares when I write on here.
But I love to write,
have since I can remember.
So I will do my best,
to keep sharing my feels on here.
Where I can do so privately,
without revealing personal info.
Hello again, everyone on here.