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Why’d it happen?
Why’d it happen so suddenly?
Why’d it seem like everything was fine?
Why’d it seem like you were gonna be okay?
Why’d it change so quickly?
Why’d it decide your time had come?
Why’d it decide it was time for you to go?
Why’d it not let you say goodbye to me?
Why’d it think you were supposed to leave?
Why’d it think you couldn’t write anymore?
Why’d it think you couldn’t cut paper hearts?
Why’d it think you couldn’t leave that room?
Why’d it make them think you had pneumonia?
Why’d it make you leave this world last week?
Why’d it decide you had to go so far away?
Why’d it make you leave without another word?
Why’d it make me excited for a letter I won’t get?
Why’d it make me think I would hear from you?
Why’d it make me think that you were okay?
Why’d it make me feel like you could get better?
Why’d it make me hope you would come back?
Why’d it make me wish you would be cured?
Why’d it make me see only the good in this?
Why’d it make me think you wouldn’t like this?
Why’d it give me this pressure in my chest bone?
Why’d it make me have to write all this out?
Why’d it think a poem would help me heal?
Why’d it think that grieving had to be like this?
Why’d it make me unable to shed a tear for you?
Why’d it make me have to ask these questions?
Why’d it take you away from me like this?
Why?
Why will I never have answers to my questions?
Why can I never see you in person again?
Why do I have to watch a video to hear you talk?
Why do I need pictures now to see your face?
Why do I feel sad when I hear Cher songs?
Why did we share that kind of connection?
Why couldn’t you just stay a while longer?
Why couldn’t you leave to get help sooner?
Why did you think nothing was wrong?
Why did you have to be forced to move away?
Why did you always see the good in everything?
Why did you always let me mess up your hair?
Why were you so patient and understanding?
Why did you watch YouTube videos with me?
Why did you agree to be in a video with me?
Why did you think everything I did was fun?
Why did I think everything we did was fun?
Why did I think messing with your hair was fun?
Why am I acting like I don’t know anything?
Why am I questioning why you did those things?
I know you loved watching videos with me.
I know you loved hearing me laugh all the time.
I know that you had gel that made your hair fun.
I know you enjoyed spending time with me.
I know you loved bringing a tote full of gifts.
I know you didn’t want to retire when you did.
I know you enjoyed your job and wanted to stay.
I know that life was very hard for you.
I know that you always put everyone before you.
I know you moved away because you had to.
I know you enjoyed writing letters with me.
I know you loved making those paper hearts.
I know you loved being my Grammie.
I know I loved having you be my Grammie.
I know I only had you in my life for 22 years.
I know my Dad & Uncle now have no parents.
I know you missed Grampie and Casey a lot.
I know Casey was an amazing & sweet dog.
I know Grampie was funny and your love.
I know you missed Casey, then lost Grampie.
I know you’ve missed other people for a while.
I know you fought for those last moments.
I know you thought you would be okay.
I know that you accepted it when it was time.
I know you weren’t in any pain when you left.
I just wish you didn’t have to die to feel at peace.
I just wish you didn’t have to disappear forever.
I just wish I had known that last letter was it.
I wish I had been able to say a real goodbye.
I don’t know what to do with all the letters now.
I don’t know how to move on with you leaving.
I don’t know why I don’t feel like crying.
I don’t know if it’s because emotions are hard.
I don’t know if it’s because Autism is hard.
I just know that I’m happy you’re happy now.
I’m happy you don’t need that tub anymore.
I’m happy you don’t need to worry anymore.
I’m happy I don’t need to worry anymore.
I’m happy that you’re with the people you love.
I’m happy that you are definitely up in the sky.
I’m happy that you’re an angel looking down.
I’m not be religious or like angels, but I love you.
I know that there is more to life than this one.
I know that this isn’t the only life we have.
I know that people are reborn all the time.
I know that we either do it quick, or wait.
I hope you don’t decide to wait for us.
I hope you go right to your new life.
I hope you get to come back however you want.
I hope you’re happy wherever you are now.
I hope I can someday listen to Cher happily.
I can listen now, but she reminds me of you.
I always said that she kinda looks like you.
I can’t thank you enough for making me a fan.
I can’t thank you enough for being here for me.
I hope you know that your love was felt by me.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t write to you more.
I’m just happy you still kept writing to me.
I want you to know that I read every letter.
I kept every single heart that you made for me.
I love how you started to make the envelopes.
I will keep you with me for the rest of my life.
I will never forget you.
I will love you forever and ever.
I will always be your “Sweetie”.
I love you, Grammie.
Goodbye.
I’m writing this because I’ve had a weird pressure in my chest bone. One that didn’t hurt, but wasn’t very comfortable either. I didn’t know what had caused it. And yesterday, I learned it was because I wasn’t letting myself grieve for my Grammie. I just don’t feel like crying, so I don’t know how else I’m supposed to grieve for her. But today, I thought that if I wrote this, I might feel better. I decided to write it in a poem, because I haven’t been on here in a while. I don’t know if any of you will even read this. If you do, and you’ve lost your grandparent, I’m so sorry. I hope remembering the good times will help you find peace in the sadness. Thanks for reading this if you did.
Well, those eight days were really going great!
And then, a bad cold wiped me out for 2 weeks.
Now, I’m at the point where I need to start over.
I’m going to think soon of how to do that.
In the meantime, I’m gonna get some stuff done.
I’m gonna get caught up w/ my Korean studies.
Then, I’m gonna start catching up on Japanese.
This is going to take some time, but I can do it!
When I get back on track, I’ll get a new routine!
Until then, that’s all I really have to say.
I’ll talk to you all later!
Have to start all over soon, and that’s okay!
May 2019 · 184
Day 8 - Still Going Strong!
I didn’t think I was gonna be able to do this.
I saw when I woke up that it was still raining.
I heard thunder during MITB last night.
I wasn’t sure if my spot would be dry, but it is.
I even brought my rain jacket just to be safe.
I really like being at this spot each day, honestly.
I’m keeping up with the routine, as I should be.
I even started changing into PJs each night!
I started that on day 3 or 4, but forgot to say it.
I might be wide awake now, but I still forget.
I think the forgetfulness is just a part of me.
I accept that, and I fully accept myself, I like me.
I also like this daily routine, and I’m very happy.
I don’t have much more to report besides that.
I’ll talk again tomorrow afternoon, bye!
I really like how this daily routine thing is going!
I did, I went to my spot, going against my plan.
I can also say that I don’t regret it in the less.
I can do what I want, as it's my daily routine.
I make the rules, so I can add new ones as well.
I also made sure to set my alarm for 5:30pm.
I’m watching WWE Money In The Bank tonight.
I’m gonna be watching it with my dad.
I almost forgot to do this entry, actually.
I got caught up in studying my Japanese cards.
I made FlashCards for all the Hiragana words.
I’m going set by set, that’s how my brain works.
I got the first half of the first set of cards done.
I mean, I think I do, and that’s really good!
I’m learning because WWE Asuka is Japanese.
I wanna know what she says, so I’m learning.
I’m a huge fan, as my dad could tell you.
I'm wearing her socks in case she’s on MITB!
I can say that today is going very well, also.
I still love the daily routine, and will keep it.
I’m gonna get back to my Japanese now.
I’ll talk to you again tomorrow afternoon, bye!
I’m really enjoying this a lot!
I began the daily routine for the weekend today.
I can say that it has gone very well, so far.
I really enjoy doing this, as I keep saying.
I just don’t know what else to say about this.
I can say that I added another walk last night.
I wanted to go to my spot one more time.
I did, and it went very well, aside from flies.
I’m having that little issue again, but it’s fine.
I know that flies come with spring and summer.
I might need to start taking bug spray, maybe.
I think I can deal with it, though.
I can’t think of anything else to say.
I’ll talk again tomorrow, bye!
Another good day when it comes to the daily routine.
May 2019 · 159
Day 5 - I Love Doing This!
I can’t say enough how much I love this!
I love how structured it is, and it really is!
I know, there are gonna be those days.
I know I’ll just have to deal with those days.
I’ll have to remind myself that it’s okay.
I can always make up for lost time the next day.
I haven’t had to do that yet, but I know I will.
I know what I’m doing, and I’m cool with that.
I’m doing my first Friday, and I love that!
I don’t have much else to report today, just that.
I’ll be back tomorrow for Day 5, bye!
This is so much fun!
I’m finding it very easy to keep up with this.
I didn’t know it would be this helpful!
I know yesterday was a good day, but still.
I’m just feeling like this is very simple.
I know what to do, and when to do it.
I really feel like I’m waking up after quiet time.
I guess thirty-five minutes of rest is really good!
I also like coming out here, just to sit for a while.
I feel like I’m doing what I really want to do!
I just can’t believe how quickly I’m used to it.
I think this was a really great idea to have.
I love this daily routine thing, to be honest.
I also like doing this check in thing each day.
I don’t know what else to say anymore.
I guess I’ll leave it at that for today.
I’ll be back tomorrow, bye!
Making progress, and feeling good about it!
I couldn’t do day two, because it was raining.
I couldn’t come out here to my spot, I’m sorry.
I’m out here now, though, and I like that a lot.
This routine is going very well for me, honestly!
I’m very impressed with how well I’m doing.
I think this daily routine is really for the best.
I like being awake, and having a routine!
I’m listening to Kara, a KPop group, right now.
I like listening to music when sitting at my spot.
I enjoy getting this time to myself, to relax.
This daily routine is letting me get back into it.
I’m getting back into doing this I like again.
I’m studying Korean & Japanese again, finally!
I like getting to do this every day, it’s very nice.
I will stick to this, until I get the routine down.
And then, I will be a lot more flexible with it.
If I have to miss a few days, or change stuff.
When I have to do that, it will be okay.
For now, getting used to my routine is good.
I need to do that now, before I do anything else.
I love this so much!
As long as, weather’s good, I’ll be back.
Hopefully, Day 4 will be good, also!
Talk to you tomorrow, bye!
This is really helpful to do, honestly! Thanks for reading this, if you do. I’ll talk again tomorrow. Goodnight!
I’m doing this to keep track of every day.
Each day I come out here, by 3:50PM, is good.
That means I am sticking to my daily routine.
I want to make sure that I have something to do.
Something that lets me know I’m doing good.
So far, Day 1 is going well, with few bumps.
I think this was a very good plan, honestly.
I’m even planning on modifying the plan.
Not with what I do, but how I keep track.
Hello Poetry, lets me know I’ve done my walk.
In my room, I have every day written down.
It’s kept on my wall with tape, but not strong.
The tape keeps wanting to come off.
I hope to get an erase board within the week.
Well, that’s all I really have to say for today.
I can report that I’m still not tired, I like that!
Being awake all day long is amazing, really!
Okay, I’m gonna go, but I’ll be back tomorrow.
Whoever reads these things, I don’t expect it, so if you do, thanks! I’m doing this for me, but if it helps anyone else, that’s awesome, too.
I didn’t think I would get to say this so soon.
I was ready to start getting my life back.
I was gonna slowly start doing stuff each week.
I was gonna start going back to my routines.
I didn’t know last week’s therapy would help.
I didn’t know it would solve this riddle of mine.
I found out what had caused me to be so tired.
I thought it was due to some physical thing.
I thought I would need more tests to be done.
I was gonna ask my doctor to do more tests.
I even said this to my therapist last Thursday.
I said this a few minutes before I got an answer.
I need to switch up these sentences to say this.
What I learned was something I didn’t expect.
The topic had switched to something different.
It has to do with something I haven’t said here.
I’ll make a different post about that a bit later.
For now, I’ll just say that this other thing, is it.
It’s the reason for my constant exhaustion.
Since we found out, I haven’t been tired!
I’ve been able to stay fully awake and alert!
My voice went back to its usual sound.
I spent the last week being cautious, to be sure.
But nothing has changed, and I can’t believe it!
I’m finally free from the exhaustion that had me!
This feels so amazing, and I love it so much!
I just felt the need to write this, as I sat at here.
I’m sitting at one of my outdoor spots today.
I’ll explain what happened in a later post.
For now, just know I intend on coming back.
And, when it comes to the tiredness, I won!
It feels so good to be able to write this! I talk again later. Bye!
I hate having to constantly do this, but I have no other choice.
There are things I need to get done, and this is the only way for me to do them.
I’m very serious about my Japanese, my WWE Raw and Smackdown Live Live Reactions, etc.
The etc. is for the reviews on do my Tumblr  before and after WWE Pay Per Views.
Right now, I’m rewatching the latest Pay Per View, so I can get my Tumblr review done.
I’m literally watching it again at a cubby, and writing down everything, to type it later.
You know, type it once I’m done writing everything down.
I’m doing this, because if I type it up while watching at home, I’ll get distracted.
This is just the easiest way for me to do it.
However, that’s taking more time than I thought.
Also, I need to have this done by next Thursday, so I can get my pre WWE Evolution post up.
And tomorrow, I’m going to WWE Live Show in Portland, so I can come here again.
Also, I’m going to work on my Japanese in my room on Sunday, so I’ll have to stop till Monday.
That means, until I get this done, I have to limit what I do w/ my online time here at the library.
So, I have to save some time to go upstairs and practice my Japanese, as that’s important to me.
I’m set on learning this language, and I’m getting good at recognizing different characters.
However, that means I have to stop going on here until I’m done.
I know, many people don’t even read my posts that I do on here, but maybe one person does.
Anyway, I mainly do this for me, because I love to write, and get my thoughts out.
I just can’t do that, at least, not until WWE Evolution is done.
So, I won’t be back on for 20 minutes on Monday.
I probably won’t be back on here until week after next, probably.
However, I’ll have plenty of thoughts in my head when I get back, and I’ll write them all.
Also, I’m writing this on my phone, because someone was using the 20 minute guest one.
So, until I can get back on here.
I’ll see you later, bye!
If even one person likes my posts, thank you. I’ll be back in a couple weeks. Bye!
On Saturday October 20th, there's a WWE Live Show in Portland, and I can't wait to go and see it.
There are some many things I'm excited about for Saturday, but due to the internet on this guest computer being slow, I have to hurry.
The normal 20 minutes has turned into 11 minutes as of now, so I need to get these thoughts out a bit more quickly than usually.
Alright, let me start with this is the second WWE Live Show I've been two in the last year.
The last one I went to, was only in July, only two and a half or so months ago.
And that show was so much fun, that my PaPou K said for me to tell him when WWE came back to Maine, and I did.
I didn't think we would be able to go to this show, as we were still living in the condo, and were waiting for our mobile home to come.
However, my Mom told me to come downstairs a couple mornings later, and I had no idea what she wanted.
She told me something about my money, and I didn't really care, because I thought the money was gonna go to our mobile home.
She asked me if I wanted to know the reason, and I said sure, then she told me the news.
PaPou K had bought us two front row seats to the show!
I talked to him about it later, and he said he got us seats 1 and 2 in the aisle!
As soon as, Mom told me this, I knew that meant I was gonna be able to touch hands with wrestlers, and see them up close.
The thought of doing this filled me with so much excitement.
I only have 5 more minutes, so I have to make this quick.
Let's fast forward to yesterday, when I found out more about this Saturday.
PaPou K had actually purchased the Walk The Aisle VIP Experience!
Now, I don't know exactly what this all means, though I've read the confirmation email.
Due to needing details and directions, I think I may be a little confused until Saturday, but I still can't wait.
I mean, the things this comes with!
I just don't really understand what the Walk The Aisle ringside photo Opportunity is, exactly.
All I know is after that, someone will direct PaPou K and I to our seats.
(PaPou is grandfather in Greek, by the way. And the K stands for our last name. Just in case, anyone got confused by that lol)
Alright, all I can say is I'm very excited, and I can't wait for Saturday to get here.
I gotta get off, and I'm sure I only got a minute or so left.
I just wanted to get this all out here, so I was able to think of other things.
I'm just estatic, and can't for to get there for 5:30 on Saturday afternoon.
Alright, I gotta go now.
I'll see you tomorrow, bye!
To anyone who reads this, again, thank you so much, if you did.
Oct 2018 · 130
Tonight is Smackdown 1000
Alright, I know I said goodbye, but I'm waiting for my ride home.
So, while I wait, let me get another 20 minutes on the guest computer downstairs, so I can talk about something.
This time, let me talk about Smackdown 1000 for a little while.
I love Smackdown Live, and can say it's been doing better than Monday Night Raw lately, though, I still watch both.
I love Smackdown Live, and I still can't believe tonight is their 1000th episode.
There are so many people I'm hoping to see tonight.
There's a list on YouTube channels saying all the people who are gonna be on it, but I haven't watched it.
I only know of the few that were advertised on last week's Smackdown Live, and on Raw the last two weeks.
I refuse to watch the video, because I wanna be surprised.
Mainly, I hope The Rock and Edge come back for tonight.
I mean, they were both a huge part of Smackdown.
And I heard Smackdown got their name from The Rock, if that's true, then it would only make sense for him to be there.
I also just wanna see them because I miss them, especially Edge.
I never really loved Edge's character, but him as a person, the one we've seen the last four or five times he's come, I love.
I love seeing how much he loves it, and the promos he gives are usually so heartfelt, so I would love for him to come back.
I mean, I've loved The Rock since I was a kid, so I would love for him to be there.
I only have five more minutes, so I guess I have to wrap this up.
Let me just say those are two people who I don't know whether they'll be there or not, but I hope they are.
Alright, it's time for me to go.
I need to get food, then eat it in time for Smackdown 1000 at 8 tonight.
Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, bye!
I don't know if anyone will read this, probably only WWE fans will like this, if anyone, but I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm waiting for my ride to come so I can get KFC and go home, so I'm writing this while I wait, that's all.
First of all, let me just say, I'm in love with where I live now.
I mean, I didn't know I would love living in a mobile home, but I do.
I've only been there since about an hour after leaving the library last night, but I still love it, regardless.
Knowing that it's my home, for the rest of my life, makes me happy.
Our kitty is adjusting to it quicker than we thought he would.
At least, we thought so, until he started meowing at around 5 or 6 this morning.
He's still a little scared, but he's definitely doing better than he did at the condo, which is awesome.
Also, can I just say how my I love my new room?
I mean, I haven't even put all my stuff in it yet, and my clothes still need to be washed, and the desk needs to be fixed a bit.
However, when all of that is done, and my room is complete, it will be amazing!
I can't wait to see how my keyboard looks against the wall.
I can't wait to start working on my Korean and Japanese at computer, when I can't do it here, due to a reason I'll discuss in a minute.
First, let me just finish saying how much I love how things are picking up.
I mean, I slept in my new room last night, on my bed, and I was happy.
Now, I'm using an old bed from the old house, until I get my new one, but I grabbed a pillow and my new blanket, and slept.
The bed is comfortable, way more than the air mattress, I must say.
I mean, I didn't mind sleeping on the air mattress, but after it deflated, it was extremely hard to get comfortable.
And last night, was the most comfortable I've been in almost three or four days, which is nice.
I only woke up a couple times, for random reasons, but finally woke up officially about ten or fifteen minutes before my alarm.
You know, the alarm that lets me know I need to wake up so I can get here by eleven or so.
Well, I got here at twelve something, but that's alright.
I still was able to do the things I need to do.
Anyway, I'm happy with my new room, and my new home.
Now, it's time to get down with what I have to switch up on around here.
Due to needing to work on memorization and speaking when it comes to Japanese and Hiragana, I need to be able to speak.
Now, since I have to be quiet at the library, I may need to work around that for a while.
And this week, I have an excuse to.
The time I usually spent working on Japanese while here, is going to be spent writing my Tumblr review on the WWE Pay Per View.
You know, the one that was supposed to be done last week?
Well, since what I typed up didn't get saved, I have to do it all over again.
And since, I didn't get it all typed up in time anyway, I think that's okay.
That means, while I'm here, I'm going to watch and write the way I wanted to do it.
Then, when all the writing is over, and I've finished watching the Pay Per View again, I'll type it all up on my Tumblr, and post it.
Tomorrow, I have to make sure I'm sitting outside by 3, so I can watch the first episode of NXT UK, which is on the WWE Network.
I can't wait, so until I have all the writing down, that's what I'm gonna be doing instead of Japanese.
Not the NXT UK, the writing up my review of WWE Super Show-Down.
I'm determined to have it down before the first ever all women's Pay Per View WWE Evolution next Sunday.
Alright, I have to go, I only have a minute left.
That's all I wanted to say, now I'm gonna go outside.
See you tomorrow, bye!
Oct 2018 · 185
Today is the Day
Well, today is officially the day my family move in our new home.
The mobile home is ready enough for us to move in, and we have cable and WiFi now, so we're moving in.
Actually, when I get off of here at around 5:24, I'm going back to the condo to get my Mom and our cat, then we're leaving the condo.
It's gonna be weird leaving for the last time, I have to admit.
I mean, I thought I was leaving for the last time as I left to come here, but I was wrong.
Actually, now that I think about it, I'm glad I get to leave for the last time.
I mean, I get to take one last picture of the room where I spent almost two months, while the mobile home was being delivered and set up.
One thing I would like to do, is ride w/ my grandfather in his truck on the way there, while my grandmother, Mom, & cat ride in the car.
I don't know why, I would just really like to see it one last time from that view, rather than , from the back seat of the car.
My Mom needs to be in the passenger seat with our cat, and I really don't like the back.
Also, I would like to be able to actually see the condo from a closer view as we're leaving.
I don't know, I think it will just give me more closure to do it that way.
It's not that I don't wanna ride with my grandmother, Mom, and cat on the way to the new mobile home.
I mean, that's fine, but I just wanna leave with this different point of view.
I just wanna be able to see it from the passenger side of the truck, and get a final look around, you know?
Alright, that's all I really wanted to say.
Now, I don't really know how to spend the remaining 50 minutes of my 120 minutes, maybe I'll work on a story, or go on Tumblr.
I don't know, I'll think of something to do.
I didn't get on here earlier, since I got to the library a little late, and when I was done with my Japanese, someone was on downstairs.
The fact that I didn't get my 20 guest time on the downstairs computer leaves me feeling like something was mussing.
However, I was still able to get onto this one, and I was able to do what I needed to do, which is nice.
Hopefully, I'll be able to come here closer to the normal time tomorrow, and will be able to get on the 20 minute guest one.
Until then, I gotta go and do something else on here, and I have nothing else to talk about.
See you tomorrow, bye!
Since I wasn't able to get here for two days, I had to spend a lot of time writing notes on my how to write Japanese book.
Literally, the only reason why I stopped, is because there are some things I need, that are at the condo, since I didn't know I'd need them.
Well, at least, I was finally able to get here, I was starting to think I would have to wait until Monday.
Therapy kept me from here on Wednesday, the rain on Thursday, and contractors at my family's new mobile home yesterday.
Today, I was finally able to come here right when the library opened, and I'm staying until the 120 minutes on the upstairs computer are up.
Of course, I'll go up there after I've had my lunch, which I'll have after the 20 minutes on the guest computer that I'm on now is over.
I have things I need to do, but I need the WWE Network to do it, so I can't, which stinks.
What also stinks, is that I was going to continue with the Tumblr review yesterday, but since I forgot to save the draft, I lost everything.
Now, I have to watch the entire Pay Per View all over again, so I can do it the way I wanna do it.
And I'll either do that today or tomorrow, depending on what's going with my family's new mobile home.
My room is just getting it's second coat done today, then my room will be ready for me to move in, once it dries.
Seriously, I can't wait until Monday, when I finally get to be in my new room, and sleep in an actual bed.
Because, funny enough, the air mattress that I've been sleeping on in my room in the condo, deflated a few days ago.
And because of a hole that I can't find yet, every time I put air into it, it deflates not even a few hours later, so I gave up on that.
Now, with only a couple more days to go, I'm having trouble sleeping on the floor, because it's suddenly become uncomfortable.
However, I don't wanna pull out my purple chair thing, because there's only a few more days to go, and I wanna come out on top.
So, all I can do is try to get comfortable, and hope I can sleep the next few days.
Because, I woke up early this morning, and was finally able to get back to sleep, only for my alarm to wake me an hour later.
Why?
Because it was time for me to wake up and get ready to come here for when the library opened at 9:30.
Well, I was five minutes late, but that's okay, because I was still able to come in here and make up for lost time.
I'll have to stay for a while either Tuesday or Wednesday, because I don't think I'm gonna be able to come Monday, due to moving.
Since I'm moving into the mobile home, and my family will be moving in to, I might not be able to get a ride.
If I can, then I will, if not, then I'll have to wait a few more days, then make up for even more time lost.
However, I might not be able to come on Wednesdays anymore, which will really confuse the life out of my.
WWE NXT UK is starting on Wednesday at 3pm, and since I've started watching WWE NXT every Wednesday night, I will watch.
So, now I have to figure out if I should just come earlier, or what I'm supposed to do.
Well, I'll figure it all out at some point.
Now, there's only five minutes left, so it's time for me to finish up here, and hope the rain has let up so I can get.
Alright, I'll figure out how to get done all the stuff I need to get done.
Until then, good luck to me.
And, until I'm able to come back again, bye!
I'm very excited for what's to come when I leave here at five or so.
The mobile home that I have been waiting for the last two or so months to see, is finally here, and move in able.
Well, we can't move in yet, because we still have to paint the rooms and stuff, but we have the key, and it's officially ours now!
I said I was gonna talk about this when I came back in from my walk, and here I am, talking about it.
I just can't believe we've finally gotten to this day.
And by next week, we should be moved into the mobile home, our new home.
I actually can't wait for this moment to finally come.
I keep picturing what it must look like in my head, but I have to see it for myself.
My mom and I have big rooms, that's all I know.
I just can't wait to take a good and long look at it.
Walking through the home, knowing I'll be in it sometime next week, is gonna be an interesting feeling.
My mom has this thing where she likes to scare me, but hasn't been able to very much, due to me staying upstairs in the condo we're at.
So, I'm sure she's gonna have an awful lot of fun with me when we get all moved and settled in.
We made a decision this time, and that's that, we're gonna be a whole lot more leniant when we move.
Unlike, when we moved into the condo, we're not moving in until all our stuff that we packed is there.
That way, once we're there, we're there to stay.
And the only thing anyone's gonna need to do, is clean around the condo, which shouldn't take too long.
Also, that makes it a whole lot easier on our cat.
If everything that we packed from our old house is already there, then he won't get scared by us bringing in boxes all day long.
For me, this makes it less stressful, because I know I'll have everything in my room by the time I get in there.
I'll do it the way I did at the old house, only, when everything's there, that's where it'll stay, and I'm okay with that.
I'm so excited, I think I may have said that a few times already, but I am.
Just knowing that we're getting out of the condo soon, is something I didn't think I was gonna hear for a while.
And today, I get to pick out the colors for my bedroom walls.
For me, that means picking which shade of pink and which shade of purple I want.
Seriously, this makes me so excited, I actually can't wait for 5:00 to get here so I can go.
I'm just so excited!
I'm almost as excited for this, as I am to see WWE Live on the 20th of this month.
I was gonna say I was more excited, but if I'm being honest, I would be lying.
This makes me only half as excited, but still extremely excited.
My nerves are worked up now, because I really wanna see how much room looks.
I might leave before the 120 minutes are up.
And, while that usually makes me feel uneasy, it doesn't this time.
This time, for one day only, I can make an exception.
Alright, that's literally all I have to say.
If I say anything else, I'll just start rambling, and that will get annoying.
In fact, I think I've already started to ramble now, and to anyone who reads these posts of mine, I'm sorry about that.
Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, bye!
Alright, so I watched the WWE Pay Per View on 5 am last Saturday.
And, I have to say, it was a pretty good show.
However, I need to write my Tumblr review on it, and I'm procrastinating, hard.
My reason is pretty simple, I have a system of how I wanna do it, but that means watching the Pay Per View all over again.
And my problem with that is, the Pay Per View was four hours long.
Not to mention, the amount of times I have to stop during each match due to the way I'm doing my review.
I'm giving my opinions on everything, and due to being extremely detailed, I want to make sure I don't miss anything.
However, since Saturday morning, I've been having a hard time keeping up with it.
I'm determined to get it done by the end of the week, though, no doubt in my mind about that.
I think my brain might still be adjusting to the amount of sleep I missed that morning, I don't know why, but it still is.
I mean, I can stay up really late, and still get up at 10 or 11 in the morning.
However, my focus seems to be going in and out when I try to write this review on my computer at home.
I'll get it done, I guess I just needed to state my piece on here first.
I kept wanting to get on my phone and write about how I was too tired to do it, then I would decide against it, for some reason.
Now, I'm finally getting it out, and I can already feel my brain starting to clear up, which is a great sign.
I also have something else I want to talk about, something I'm excited about, but I also wanna rant.
However, I'll save my rant for my Tumblr with a different post, one I can make after I've had my lunch, you know, when I finish here.
I'm on the guest computer downstairs, which only gives you access for 20 minutes, and right now, I only have 11 minutes to go.
Actually, I think I might have time to write the other thing I wanted to talk about now, so I just might do that, after I finish this post.
I guess my reasoning for procrastinating when it comes to that review, is because I don't wanna watch the entire thing again.
Only, I know that I really don't have a choice, if I wanna write the review the way I feel to be the correct way for me to write it.
So, I guess I just needed to get on here and write out what was going in my head about this, and I just did.
And now, I feel so much better.
Like I said before, my brain feels a lot lighter than it did before.
I mean, while I was finishing up my Japanese writing practice for today, I started to think about how I would put all this into words.
And now, I think I did it the best way I can.
So, I have to stop now, because I can tell that I'm starting to ramble a lot, which makes me think I've gotten my point across already.
Alright, I'm gonna end this post now.
I have only 7 minutes left, so I don't have enough time to write the other post.
So, what I'm gonna do instead, is go onto Tumblr or something for a few minutes, then go outside and have my lunch.
Then, I will get back on here when I get to the computers upstairs, where I'll have 120 minutes of free library internet.
Then, I get to leave and walk through the mobile home we're going to be moving into soon!
That's what I wanna talk about, but I only have 5 minutes, so I can't.
Alright, I'm gonna go for now, I'll see you when I get upstairs.
Again, to anyone who reads these posts, and like them for some reason, thank you so much!
Alright, I'll see you in an hour or so!
I just remembered what one of the other things I wanted to talk about was.
Alright, my mom told me I wasn't going to the library today.
She told me this last night, after I said that my legs were a little heavy while I was here.
And it's true, but I think that was because my body thought I was staying home, but I went anyway.
In fact, my cat thought I was staying home, and got moody when he figured out that I was allowed to go after all.
When I told her about my legs, she said I was going to be on bed rest for all of today.
Well, I wasn't a huge fan of that, but she pinkie swore that she was telling the truth when it came to this, so I knew she was serious.
Me and my mom have this thing were pinkie swears are very important to us, it's a mother-daughter thing we have, that's all.
Anyway, this morning, I really wanted to come here.
I told her that I know we don't break these promises, but I really didn't wanna miss another day at the library.
She told me I could go, because my grandmother wrote a note asking her to let me go today, in exchange for this weekend.
I asked her if she would take me on Saturday after the WWE Pay Per View Super Show-Down was over.
I also said she could tell me her answer today, because I asked her last night.
She told me she'd tell me, and I think this was her way of answering my question.
I mean, I don't mind if it was, because I didn't have to miss another week day.
However, I do wish she would've just told me herself that she wanted to stay home on Saturday.
I'm not mad or anything, the complete opposite, actually.
I love being at the library, it gives me something to do during the weekdays.
It's just, now I'm really gonna have to rely on myself staying awake tomorrow.
The Pay Per View starts at 5 am.
Remember, the one I was telling you about when I was on here yesterday?
Well, I was hoping that coming here afterward would give me more than one reason to stay awake all day.
I mean, I'm already tired all the time, but nowadays, it's been for no reason whatsoever.
However, I have to wake up at 4 in the morning, in order to be awake and ready for 5.
And that, will give me an actual reason to be exhausted.
I actually just decided that I'm not going to record my live reaction, because I wanna be able to eat or drink during the Pay Per View.
Honestly, that might be the only way I manage to stay awake.
I mean, right after it's over, I need to get straight onto my Tumblr, and start making my review, which I also said in yesterday's post.
Saying all of that, I was hoping I would be able to also work on my Japanese writing and stuff, but I'm sticking with my schedule.
I've said numerous times how important a set schedule is for me, and it's true.
That's the only thing that has me a little bit bummed.
That, and Mom might not even let me go for a walk to my spot by the mailboxes.
She might let me go for a walk, or to my spot, but again, she might hold me to being on bed rest.
I definitely told her that I'm going to watch the Pay Per View at my computer.
I have to, I doubt I'll be able to keep myself awake if I watch it while laying down on my bed.
I might have to convince her to let me write my review from my computer, but I think I can manage that.
I'll have to stay awake all day, so I can sleep that night, but I think I might be okay.
I may be able to fall asleep a little bit earlier tonight, so I have a few hours before my alarm that I set for 4 wakes me up.
Either that, or what my grandmother says is right, and I'll be so wound up by the Pay Per View that I would sleep at all.
However, I'm not really excited that much for the Pay Per View, especially, not when it comes to Raw's side of it.
So, I don't know if that will be an issue for me tonight.
However, I also have excitement when it comes to some of the things on the Smackdown Live side of things, so then again...
I don't know, but I think I'll be able to get some sleep.
Alright, this was the second major thing I wanted to talk about.
I'm glad I was able to remember it, because I was really annoyed when I thought I had forgotten about it.
But as I was writing that last post, it came back to me, so I was able to get it written down.
Alright, I'm done when it comes to this post, and I still have 69 more minutes to go.
Let me think for a second, and see if there's anything else I wanna talk about.
If not, then I'll see you on Monday.
Nope, can't think of anything else.
So, I'll see you on Monday, bye!
I actually thought I had a lot more stories and things I wanted to talk about.
But now, I just figured out that all those thoughts I had a little while ago, have suddenly disappeared from my memory.
Before I left to have my lunch, I had so many things I wanted to talk about.
I just finished my post about one of the things that was on my mind, but I finished it by saying I was going to get out my other thoughts.
Well, how am I supposed to do that now?
I mean, there were so many things I wanted to talk about, but now, I can't remember what any of them are.
Or, in this case, what they were.
I'm thinking, but I'm drawing a complete blank.
Hold on, maybe I'll remember at least one of the other things I wanted to talk about soon.
If not, then I'll see you on Monday.
Bye!
Oct 2018 · 111
Who Are You?
There's this person I keep seeing here at the library.
I know I recognize her, but I can't remember her name, or where I know her from.
I feel like she was someone who used to help me when I was in school.
I don't know if she's from my elementary or junior high school years, though.
And the worst part is, she knows me, and always says hi.
Another bad part, is that she's obviously here to help tutor someone, because she's always with someone when I see her.
And I can tell by the way she talks to them that she's there to help them learn something.
I want so badly to just ask her who she is, but I don't wanna interrupt when she's working with someone else at the time.
However, every time I get ready to leave for the day, she's already gone.
This has been going on off and on for the last few weeks now.
And yesterday, when I heard her say my name as she said hi, I knew she remembered me from somewhere.
And now, I can't stop thinking about her, because I know I've seen her before, but I just can't for my life remember where.
And, like I said above, I just wanna ask her.
I told myself that if I saw her today, that I would ask her who she was.
I would ask if I could talk to her for a bit when she was done with whoever she was talking to, then find out her name.
She knows mine, so I know I've seen her a lot before.
I have a feeling she was one of the special ed teachers who used to help me with either my reading or math when I was younger.
I just can't remember her name, though.
And just knowing that she's not here when I really want her to be, so I can get some answers, is driving me crazy.
I tried to look her up by going onto the library's website, but her picture isn't anywhere.
I tried looking her up using the name of my old elementary school, but since it was closed down in 2011, the website no longer exists.
And to make my life even harder, when I looked at the website for where I went to junior high nearly nine or ten years ago, nothing.
There were no pictures to go along with any of the names of the staff and faculty.
And I wanna ask on Facebook, but I don't know if she has it, or how I'll even come across finding her.
And because my family is only staying in our condo while our new mobile home is being set up for us, the yearbooks are still packed.
They're in boxes that are in the garage on our side of the condo we're living in at the moment.
So now, I have to wait another week or two, before I can find out through those pictures who she is, if she's even in them.
All I know is, I can still remember what her face and hair looked like.
And honestly, if I knew her name, I could say she looks the same as she did when I used to see her, if I'm right, nearly every weekday.
It just bugs the life out of me that I don't remember her name, but I know that I know her from somewhere.
Alright, if I keep talking, I'm just gonna start repeating myself more than I already have.
I said I was going to be making more posts today, and this is the first of a few more to come.
I signed on for the remaining 110 minutes, and now, there are 94 minutes remaining.
And for some reason, until I don't have anything else in my head to write, or it's time to get off and go home, I'm gonna keep writing.
So, the posts are gonna keep coming for a little while.
And if you actually read all of these, and like any of them, thank you so much!
I don't write these for views, I just write these because I wanna get thoughts that are in my head out.
And since I don't have someone to talk to, like I said in one of my previous posts, this is kinda like a diary for me.
I just write, and it's up to you whether you wanna take the time to read it or not.
First, let me just apologize for the fact that all my posts are so long.
I just really like to write, and when it comes to making points, I just talk until I think I've made it.
It's the way my brain is, and I can't change that, but I'm trying to work on it.
Like now, I can tell that I'm starting to ramble a lot more than I should.
So I'm gonna stop with this post, and get on with the next one.
Alright, I'm done, on to the next post.
I have really bad anxiety, so I really don't like talking to strangers.
At the library, I brought ten cents, a roll of tape, and scissors from home.
I did this so I could make a photocopy, and not have to deal with people.
However, when I used the photocopier, I did it wrong, and got nothing.
So, I had to go and ask for help.
I was a little bit nervous, but more annoyed with the photocopier.
Actually, I kept thinking it was because the photocopier just wasn't working right.
So, after I went to the front desk, they redirected me to the reference desk upstairs.
Now, I just thanked the lady, and went upstairs to get some help from them.
The lady up there and nice and helped me, and I learned that I had done it wrong when I was downstairs.
After I thanked her for her help, I stayed upstairs & went to an empty left sided cubby, & my schedule didn't change after that.
I didn't realize until I was done with my Japanese studying for the day, that I hadn't had an anxiety attack.
And just now, I realized why that was.
I was so busy needing help to photocopy, that I just didn't think about it.
I didn't think that I was talking to a complete stranger, because I was too busy thinking about my task at hand.
Now, this might not be possible for me every day, but today, it was.
And with how bad my anxiety is, it makes me happy when I don't succumb to it.
I mean, just now, I have to try and contain it, because someone sat down beside me at the other guest computer here downstairs.
This makes me anxious, but she's not talking to me, so I'm just trying to act like she's not there.
I always get nervous that someone's gonna talk to me, for some reason.
And if someone talks to me while I'm eating when I'm outside, I just concentrate on my food, so I don't shut down.
I can talk for a second, but I always feel relieved when they walk away.
I mean, the lady just left, and I feel more at ease now.
I hate feeling this way, but that's the way it is.
I'm still learning how to manage my anxiety, but I did get things done today, so I think I'm doing okay.
Alright, I only have 6 more minutes until my 20 minutes on this guest computer are up, then I'm gonna go eat.
You know, I like this schedule, I really like coming to the library.
I actually wanna write a lot more, but I don't have much time.
I might write more when I go upstairs for the 120 minutes that those computers provide, but I might not.
I still have to work on my notebook that I'm writing for my new story.
But first, I have to complete all of the notebook, then I have to completely type up everything that I wrote down.
And when it comes to printing it out, that will be done at home.
At least, I hope it will be done at home.
I just don't wanna be a nuisance to everyone else who may want the printer.
But that's at least another week or two down the road, so I don't even need to think about that right now.
Alright, I think I'm done until after I eat my lunch and go back upstairs.
And I'm not going to say bye, because I think I'm gonna come back on before I continue working on the notebook.
So instead, I'll say, see you later!
I hate getting up early, and normally, will do whatever I can to avoid it.
However, I prefer to watch the WWE Pay Per Views live, rather than, watching the replays of it.
So, in order to watch the Super Show-Down Pay Per View on Saturday, I have to wake up by four in the morning.
Why?
So I can be ready and awake for when it starts at 5 am.
I don't know whether I'm gonna record my live reaction to it or not, yet.
I still haven't decided, but I might, it depends.
I do know that I wanna watch it when it's live and actually happening.
And because of this, I need to just deal with the fact that I don't really get to sleep on Saturday.
After that, I go on Tumblr and write my review on each match, then the whole Pay Per View as a whole.
I'm not really looking forward to being up at that time, but I love WWE, so I'll do it.
Besides, it's only on at 5 am because the Super Show-Down is taking place in Melbourne, Australia.
I'm just relying on the fact that some matches and people that I really wanna see are gonna be there for this.
Wow, this was a very short post.
I guess I don't have many thoughts regarding this topic.
Because I wrote them all down in the post I just made on my Tumblr regarding all my thoughts, wishes, concerns, & predictions.
So I may either just be done until tomorrow, or I'll write something else.
In case I'm done, thanks to anyone who for some reason likes my posts.
And also, in case I don't write another one after this.
See you tomorrow, bye!
Oct 2018 · 100
Changing The Schedule Again
Alright, I only have 16 minutes left on this 20 minute guest downstairs library computer, so I need to make this quick.
I completely miscalculated last yesterday when I went on the computers upstairs that run for 120 minutes once you log on.
That's okay, because I knew how to fix the little issue.
I'll use this computer for writing the post and checking my email.
Then, when it comes to my other things, I'll use the upstairs computers that give you 120 minutes one time a day.
That's okay, I'm fine with that.
I am annoyed with my phone however.
Because, I spent the first two or so hours here working on my post on the Pay Per View coming up on Saturday morning on my Tumblr.
And when I went to save the draft, the draft wouldn't save from my phone. So now, the first thing I have to do when I log on upstairs, is completely redo the whole last part of it.
That's alright, because I still got to get all my Japanese writing practice in.
And now, I got to check my mail and get on here.
While I don't love that this schedule has changed almost three times in the last two days, I think this is the end of the schedule changes.
Now, I have 12 more minutes on this guest computer.
So I'm gonna finish up with this post, then get onto my Tumblr.
When the time is up, I'll go outside and eat my lunch, then I'll go upstairs, and my schedule can resume as planned.
Luckily, I shouldn't run into this problem tomorrow, as the schedule I set for myself should be fully set by then.
Alright, that's it for today's post.
I was debating whether to do this now, or do it on my phone.
But I decided that nothing else in my schedule was going to change again, so I decided to do this.
Alright, now I'm done.
I'll be back tomorrow to talk about whatever.
And to whoever reads these random posts and actually likes them.
Thank you so much.
Alright, see you tomorrow, bye!
Since I care very much for writing, but also Japanese, I had to redo the schedule I made for myself for when I'm here at the library.
I don't check out a book, because I have other things I have to do.
I need to work on my Japanese, which means learning how to write it.
After that, I need to get on a computer, check my emails, and come on here to write my post.
You know, where I write about whatever is on my mind at the time.
Then, I need to either work on one of my stories on my Google Docs, or write something on my Tumblr for the upcoming WWE Pay Per View.
After that 120 minutes are up, I go outside and eat my lunch, or I walk and get some ice cream.
After I finish eating, I get back online for another 120 minutes, where I spend the time working on a story I'm trying to write from scratch.
Which means I look up stuff, then write them in my notebook.
If I finish with that, then I type up everything I wrote in my notebook.
After that, I leave, and either come back the next day, or the following week, and I have two stories to work on.
Along with, practicing my Japanese writing.
I hope to have a tutor at some point for the speaking.
When that time comes, I change my schedule once again.
Until then, this system works for me.
So now that I've written all of this down, this will be today's post.
Now, I need to write my thoughts and stuff on Tumblr for the WWE Pay Per View that's streaming on Saturday.
Alright, that's it for today.
See you tomorrow, bye!
I just had to leave the library and take a walk.
Actually, I was gonna go home, but decided against it.
I figured I'd walk to Hannaford and get something to eat.
However, 3 dollars wasn't really enough to get anything.
So I had to start walking back, and got to the other sidewalk.
My goal was to try and see what there was at 7/11.
However, I saw someone walking on either side of the sidewalk.
My anxiety started to get a bit much again, and I turned around.
I decided to just go back to the library, and I did.
Luckily, as I was walking back, I noticed how much better I felt.
I left the library because there was noise in the computer room.
And there was noise around it too, and it was overwhelming me.
I was losing my focus, and since I was writing, I didn't like that.
So I gave up, and decided to just ask for someone to take me home.
Only, she didn't answer after a couple minutes, like usual.
So, as I sat and waited, I realized I had some many, and changed my mind.
I didn't want to go home, I wanted to get something to eat instead.
However, as I said, I didn't have enough money to get anything.
But now, I have a clearer mind, and I was only gone like 20 minutes.
That's why I'm writing this right now, to get my thoughts out.
You know, the thoughts I was able to get back from clearing my head.
I decided to write this down, mainly for myself, as a reminder.
I don't need to go back home, I might just need to talk a walk.
I had other things on my mind, that I can't do anything about right now.
And knowing that, along with the noise, was too much.
But after that walk, those thoughts are gone, and I feel calm again.
So now, I can get back to what I was writing before I had to log off.
And I can continue for another 38 minutes, then go home.
Alright, that was an extra post for today, because I felt like it.
I needed to write this down when the memory was still fresh.
And now, I can finish typing, and come back again tomorrow.
Alright, see you tomorrow, bye!
Oct 2018 · 1.3k
Wrestling: Fake vs Scripted
People seem to say, "Oh, it's totally fake!"
"Why would you believe anything you see them do?"
"It's all acting."
And that isn't entirely true, at all, but many people won't believe me.
Now, don't tell me I'm wrong, because this is my opinion.
I won't say you're right or wrong in thinking wrestling is fake.
All I'll say is, if you think it's completely fake, then I disagree.
And here's why.
I always ask those I talk to about this the same question.
I ask, "If wrestling is fake, then why do people actually get hurt?"
Then I say, "If wrestling wasn't real, then people would never get injuries that either cost them a few months, or force them to retire."
The reason why I always say this, is because wrestling isn't a joke.
I see people actually get hurt because they botch a move, or land wrong.
I've seen punches and kicks actually connect, and cause someone to get a concussion.
I've seen people get dislocations and broken bones, and wonder how long they'll be out for.
Sure, there are things that can be overexaggerated.
And I won't doubt that injuries can be purely storyline driven.
But, when the person is actually hurt, and needs surgery, how can you call that fake?
How is it fake if the injury causes someone to have to hang up their boots for a while, and go into physical therapy to recover?
How is it fake if it can cost people their careers, or their lives?
Remember what happened to Owen Hart?
He was supposed to come down from the ceiling, but the thing broke, and he fell all the way down to the ring.
People didn't know whether it was real or not, but he ended up dying from injuries sustained from that fall that same night.
Wrestling isn't fake, but it is scripted.
The storylines are scripted, I don't doubt that for a minute.
There are many wrestlers who have feuds on camera, but are friends behind the scenes.
There are people who act like heels, but are the nicest people you'll ever meet, or the other way around.
Mistakes are real, and the bumps they take will actually hurt.
There are things you can fake, and it does take acting in order to portray the right emotion.
But when someone breaks something while wrestling, and is out for a long period of time due to surgery and recovery, then it's hard for me to believe for a second that it's completely fake.
I prefer scripted, so that's what I call it.
Raw is on tonight, so I had this thought in my head, and decided to get it out.
Okay, that's my library post of the day.
I'll talk about something else tomorrow, or the same thing, I don't know.
I just write whatever I feel like, and I thought about this, so I wrote it.
See you tomorrow, bye!
Sep 2018 · 82
A Bit Out of Focus Today
I wanted so badly to get Ice Cream and go online here at the library.
So badly, that I was having trouble reading my second book.
I did some Japanese, and read my first book, but only a bit of the second one.
So I decided to just stop reading, and go get my Ice Cream.
I walked all the way there, then found that four dollars wasn't enough...
Luckily, I had packed some food to bring just in case I couldn't walk, so I decided to eat outside when I got back to the library.
I really needed to sit, but all the seats were wet from the rain.
So I ended up sitting on one of the pole things by the entrance.
I was able to keep pressing the blue button to let people in while I ate my animal crackers, though.
And yes, I like to eat animal crackers, and I'm an adult, don't judge me lol
Anyway, I was able to eat, so I came up here to use a computer for the remainder of my time.
I wanna work on a story, so I guess my brain was trying to tell me to hurry up.
Well, I'm here now until 4:20, so I guess I should get to writing.
I just like to write on here first, after I check my mail.
This might be because I was up all night two nights ago, and finally slept last night, so my body is still adjusting.
I was just a bit out of focus, but my focus is cleared up now.
I won't say that going to get the Ice Cream was a waste of time.
I got a nice walk in, so I say, it was worth the trip.
And I got to help a lot of people who were coming and going, while I silently ate my crackers.
Someone asked me about a craft thing going on, and I said I didn't know.
They asked me what today's date was, and since my phone was in my  backpack, I didn't know.
Also, my anxiety started to go up when the person talked to me, but I kept calm.
After she left, I didn't have to talk to anyone else.
Alright, that's all I have to say until Monday, when I come back.
See you on Monday, bye!
Sep 2018 · 215
Untitled
Why does seeing him still fill me with so much anger and hatred.
I've written about him a few times, just to get him out of my head.
But every time I see him, I get those memories back again.
I know that many of the memories are good and peaceful.
But I can't help but think they were nothing but a bunch of lies.
I mean, to read a text from someone saying they didn't mean it.
That they only said they love you to make you happy.
But they didn't really feel that way about you at all.
I meant it when I told him that I loved him, and I thought he did too.
I thought he meant it when he kissed me, and held me in his arms.
I thought his words were honest, but they were all lies.
He was only saying what he thought I wanted to hear.
He wasn't being honest with me, or with himself.
And that would make me spend so much time with him.
I spent countless times over at his house with him.
We would kiss, and I thought we meant something.
But apparently, I was the only one with any real feelings.
This makes me afraid to get close to another guy now.
Mainly, because I fear that when someone says they love me, it's a lie.
I'm afraid they'll say it just because they want me to be happy.
But that, they're lying when they say it to me.
Now, I haven't been with anyone since him.
And that's partly due to my anxiety that is very bad right now.
But when I'm ready to hang out with people, someone might come along.
And when that happens, I don't think I'll be able to help but be scared.
I just don't want to repeat what happened with that other guy again.
It happened three times, over a span of my last two years of High School, and my first year of being out of school.
So now, I think I have my mind cleared again.
At least, until the next time I happen to see him.
And the other thing is, if I talk to him, those feelings with come back.
I can tell, because if he talks to me, I'll remember how much I love him.
But that's bad, because it's one sided, and I don't know if he even cares.
He might've said he preferred me as a friend, but he's never messaged me since.
His final message was "Goodbye forever."
I mean, that's pretty cryptic, and it hurt for a bit.
But the next day, I realized it didn't hurt, because I was over it.
The second time we broke up, I really loved him, so I couldn't seem to get past it.
But this time, when we broke up last year, I couldn't care anymore.
I'm not sad, I don't mourn this break up, it just angers me.
Knowing that he never really loved me, that angers me.
I wanna ask him why he did that to me, but I doubt he remembers.
Alright, I'm done now.
I guess I just needed to rant for a while again.
Now that I've said this, I think I'll have peace for a while.
Getting over a break up is hard enough. But when you know it's finally, and you were the only one who was actually in love, that's when it can just turn to anger. That's where I'm at. I'm not sad, just angry with him, and that might never change. But once my anxiety is under control, I hope I meet someone who means it when they say they love me. Until then, I just hope that I can forgive this guy one day, and I do hope he has a good life, and meets someone who makes him happy. I just hope he treats he right, and is honest with her. Don't do what you did with me, don't lie. Okay, that's all.
Sep 2018 · 127
Catching Up After Yesterday
Alright, here is what I was trying to write yesterday.
Due to being hungry, and staying later, I had to leave before typing.
Only, the weather had other ideas, and I had to leave.
Now that I'm only here until 4:50, and my schedule is back to normal, I feel good.
So good, that I can write clearly here at this laptop.
I'm in the quiet room here at the library.
I usually sit outside where the other computers are, but not today.
There are far too many people, as all but one computer is free.
And there would be someone on either side of me.
And due to my anxiety, that would be too much for me to handle.
So I am sitting here in the quiet room, where there are a lot of laptops.
Someone just came in, but they are sitting far away from me.
Now, this is good, because it's just me and this other person.
And since it's usually a lot more crowded than this, I'm lucky.
I'm meeting with my therapist and case manager tomorrow.
So luckily, I'll probably get to talk more about stuff.
Get a handle on things going on with my anxiety levels and all.
Other than that, today is going very well.
I'm starting to realize as I write, that this is more of a public diary.
But you know what, I'm cool with that.
I'm not stating anyone's name, or any place names, and I'm only talking about myself, and being cautious of what I say.
Believe it or not, I am being private in a sense.
I'm not telling you what library I'm at, and I'm not telling you about where I go for therapy, or who I'm going to see.
All I'm saying, is that's where I'm gonna be instead tomorrow.
And unlike a week or two ago, I'm not coming here after.
That completely messes with my head, and throws off the whole schedule.
I just have to make sure that I stay here later on Friday, that's all.
And I like that, because I have things to do when I'm here.
Can't really practice Japanese here, unless it's only writing.
And that's okay, because that's what I'm starting with.
When I get the writing down, then I'll hopefully have someone to help me with speaking.
And if we do that here, it will probably be outside, or in the study room.
That's okay with me, because I really want to learn.
But honestly, I like what I'm doing right now.
Like, after I'm done writing this thing right now, I have two separate google docs stories open, and I'll work on them.
I seem to wanna alternate between these two stories lately, so I will.
Who knows, maybe I'll end up working on only one of them.
But for now, this will be fine for me.
Alright, I'm rambling now.
I'm done until Friday.
I'm gonna work on my stories now.
Bye!
Right now, I'm doing this because I just want to write.
But when I need to, writing actually does help ease my mind.
Anxiety can be a mind field at times, and that can be stressful.
But being able to write for a while, can be a great distraction.
I can get lost in whatever it is I'm writing about.
Writing stories is a fun thing for me to do.
I don't plan on showing my stories to anyone, since they are for me.
But I do like to write, and when I'm stressed, it calms me down.
At the moment, I'm not worried or anxious about anything.
This just seems to be something I want to do right now.
I don't know how my writing on my Hello Poetry account will last.
And, as you can tell, most of them aren't even poems, really.
I just write whatever I feel like at the time, using this form.
I might even want to tell stories at some point, and that's fine.
And if you like whatever it is I write for some reason, thank you.
I don't think what I write is that great, but it's what I like to do.
Writing seems to be a nice pass time, like watching shows & singing.
Only have eight minutes left, as I'm on one of the library computers.
This is where I like to be every day, remember, I'm here on Weekdays.
It's a fun pass time for me, and with my schedule, it's a breeze.
I keep looking at the time limit, and I just realized I'm rambling.
I guess I don't have much to say about writing, but I talk anyway.
Writing is a fun thing for me to do, as I've said a few times, already.
I'm actually listening to K-Pop on my Spotify as I write this.
I only have five more minutes, and people are walking in...
That makes me a bit anxious, so I'm trying to use this as peace now.
Trying to keep my mind at peace, by focusing on what I write.
I don't know what else to say, but I don't want to stop yet.
I still have four minutes left, and I don't want to waste them.
I thought I had uploaded this as I was leaving a week or two ago. Well, I guess I didn't lol Here it is!
I came here yesterday, and it was a lot later than usual.
I usually come from around twelve, and stay until around three.
But due to therapy, I came right after, so it was around two.
First of all, I figured my brain wouldn't fine anything wrong with it.
I still had my schedule, and I know what I like to do, so I was good.
At least, I thought I was good...
There was no left seating desk thing free in the downstairs area.
And since I prefer the left side to the right, I had find another spot.
There is a red couch near the audio books, and there's an outlet.
And since there was an outlet for my phone charger, I sat down.
But I found it would be hard for me to work on my Japanese there.
Because I knew I would have trouble concentrating right there.
It was in an open space, unlike where I like to sit.
So instead, I decided to go on my phone for a while.
Going on my phone is something I like to do at the end.
And since I was doing it first, I felt a little bit uneasy.
I made sure a video was uploaded to my YouTube.
Then I checked my social media, and was about to listen to Spotify.
But I looked over & the stairs leading to the upper level got to me.
And I got distracted by the need to see what was up there.
So I took a picture, put it on my Instagram & Facebook, and went.
I took the elevator the middle floor, and found the Quiet Area.
Then I walked up a couple stairs, and started looking around.
I did a little more snooping, then tried one of the computers.
I had to find one where there weren't too many people.
When I found it, I didn't know how to log on, so I gave up.
I went back downstairs in the elevator, & it wasn't even two thirty.
But I was already ready to go home, so I sent a text,
I sat outside for a while, and when I was told my ride was on the phone, I surrendered.
I told them never mind, and I went back inside.
I decided I needed to at least do my schedule, and went upstairs.
I went back to the middle floor, and tried the Quiet Room.
I found a spot, and worked on my Japanese workbook.
I liked it, but it still felt weird and uncomfortable.
I went to read in the outer area, but ended up going to the upper floor.
All the left sides to the little studying desks were filled up again.
So I found a little seat, and decided to sit down and read.
But I couldn't concentrate, because I wasn't in my "normal spot".
I wasn't sitting on the left, with my back to whoever, hidden.
Hidden by the little privacy that comes with those desks I like a lot.
So after a page or two, I gave up, and went back down.
Luckily, my ride was ready, so I said I wanted to leave.
After a few more minutes, I finally went back home.

And I learned something from that little experience.
I had set a strict schedule for myself, and I broke it a bit.
I went to a different part of the library, without doing my routine.
And because of this, and the time of day, it was too weird for me.
So I decided that I should only go every other Thurday.
Each Thursday when I don't have therapy.
That way, I go at the same time, and don't confuse my brain.
And today, I went at my normal time, but a bit earlier.
It was only five or ten minutes earlier, so it felt normal.
This is the right time for me to come, and I realize that now.
I found a left side that was free, where I like to sit, and sat down.
I took out my Japanese workbook, my library books, and set up.
I plugged my phone charger and got onto the library's WiFi.
I went for Spotify to listen to while I did my Japanese, but went with a YouTube video instead.
Both equally help me concentrate, so I was not confused at all.
Then, I read my books, checked my social medias, and came up here.
I decided that I would come upstairs and use one of the computers.
When I logged on, I realized I had a 120 minutes to use it.
And this is a lot longer than if I were to use one downstairs.
So, I made a decision about how to spend my time.
First, I check my mail, then I do what I want.
And after I'm done, then I go home.
I told my ride, and they know when to come get me.
So I've decided, my schedule stays the same, but I changed this.
All I changed, was where I go after I finish my reading and social media checks every other day.
Instead of staying downstairs, I'll come up here, and find a computer.
I'll do this every other Weekday, because I stay home on Weekends.
And that makes me comfortable, so I feel happy.
The people by some of the computers make me a bit jittery.
But I just tell myself that I'm not here to talk to anyone.
And this has been labeled as another quiet place, which is good.
I know no one is going to bother me, and that makes me content.
So now, I'm gonna spend the remaining 57 minutes that I have.
What am I gonna do during these 57 minutes?
Work on another story or two, then go home.
That's all I have to say, except for one thing.
This was entirely longer than I thought it would be, and I'm sorry.
Thanks for reading this if you did, and liking it if you did.
This might sound like a thing, but it's absolutely true.
The library is the perfect place to get away from all the noise.
Sure, the front desk can be a noisy spot.
And the computer keyboards might be loud when you use them.
But the private cubbies that always have your back turned.
So you know you will always have your privacy.
You don't have to worry about someone talking to you.
Everyone is here to studying, read, or just get away for a while.
And as I sit here, with 13 minutes of computer time left, I am happy.
I know that when this is over, I would have been here for 3 hours.
Well, not quite, but about 3 hours, I got here around 11.
And once my time is up, I will text my grandmother, and she'll come get me.
I know this, because that's the plan we made when we first did this.
Yesterday, I didn't have a plan for the library.
I just knew that I wanted to come here, if not the animal shelter.
The animal shelter is where I'll be going tomorrow.
But that's a different conversation entirely.
As I was saying, I came into the library at around 12:10 yesterday.
I didn't know what I was planning on doing.
Well, that's not true, I came here to get some Japanese studying done.
I sat down at a cubbie, put in my earphones, and turned on Spotify.
I played through almost a full playlist, and filled out almost two pages.
After that, I decided to put my library card to good use.
I found a few books, started to read one, and decided to check them out.
I wasn't even close to leaving, but I wanted to get it out of the way.
The self-checkout wasn't working, so my anxiety was tested.
I had to go up to the front desk, and talk to someone.
Now, I was very nervous, but the person was very nice to me.
I ended up getting a new library card, then went back to the self-checkout.
The first two books worked, but the other one wouldn't go through.
So I had to confront my fear of people for the second time.
I did, and finally had three books to take back to my cubbie.
I started reading a book on Anxiety, and started making notes.
Then I read my other book, then the last one.
Then I checked my social media, played on some apps on my phone.
Then, it was time to go, and I wrote down the order I had done it.
I went with that order today, but instead of the phone games, I came here.
I now have four minutes left, so I have to get going.
What I'm getting at here, is that I also wrote down this plan today.
And I plan on doing this every other day I come here.
What I'm trying to say, is that I was able to plan out my time here.
And I was able to do it on my terms, and I got things done.
The library is a really useful and friendly place.
Okay, I'm gonna go now.
Two minutes left, I'm gonna sign off.
The library is a nice and quiet place.
Enjoy the time you spend in whatever library you go to.
Okay, bye.
Libraries are nice and private. I got stuff done, made myself a plan, and I am sticking to it. It's useful, and I need that. Alright, I'm done now. This was weird, I'm sorry lol
The word “identity” has two different meanings:
1. The fact of being who or what a person or thing is.
2. A close similarity or affinity.
I would like to focus on the first meaning.
My identity is based on who I am as a person.
It’s based on the things I do and don’t like.
My identity is based on the clothes I wear.
My identity is based on the way I choose to talk.
My identity is based on my thoughts and opinions.
My identity isn’t based on my Autism or Anxiety.
Some people say they’re identity is their Autism.
And if they’re happy with that, that’s great.
But I was just recently diagnosed with Autism.
And while I have had it my entire life.
I didn’t know anything about it.
I did, however, know that I had anxiety issues.
I’ve had anxiety for a long time, and it’s bad.
I can recognize when an attack is gonna happen.
This isn’t always the case, but a lot of the time, it is.
I know what helps me when I have an anxiety attack.
I have an understanding of what I can and can't handle.
My Autism, on the other hand, is still a mystery to me.
I know that it affects the way I think and learn.
I know it’s the reason for why I am sensitive to temperature.
I know it’s why so had such a hard time in school.
But I refuse to say that my Autism and anxiety identify me as a person.
I have known my personality way long never than both my Autism and anxiety combined.
This isn’t true for everyone, but it is for me.
This is the way I choose to approach my Autism and anxiety.
I’m Autistic, and I’m not ashamed of it.
I have anxiety, and I’m working ******* it.
But I’m not Autism, and I’m not Anxiety.
I’m me.
And I will always stand by this train of thought.
I know that there are times when my interests become my coping skills.
But when I’m not anxious, then they are just my interests.
When I’m having an anxiety attack, then they are the skills I need in order to function.
Right now, this isn’t a coping skill.
My writing this, isn’t a form of therapy.
This is an interest of mine.
I love to write, and was thinking about this, so I decided to speak my mind.
I’m happy to say I’m happy right now.
I don’t feel a bit of stress, and if I do, then one of my interests will be used to help me through it.
Until then, I’m just doing what makes me happy.
And I’m happy that I know myself well to recognize this.
You don’t have to agree with me on anything I just said.
I just ask that you respect that these are my opinions.
I’m an individual who just happens to have Autism and anxiety.
Alright, that’s all I got, I’ve just been in a writing mood over the last few days.
Aug 2018 · 372
I'm Not Ready Yet
I know there are people who want to hang out.
People who would be willing to come to me.
I'm just not in the place where I can handle that.
Someone might ask why I don't hang out.
Why I don't go places I really want to go to.
Why I miss out on things I would like to be part of.
There's only one reason I can think of.
I'm not ready yet.

I'm not ready for someone to come over and hang out.
I'm not ready to make plans to see someone outside my house.
I'm not ready to just go somewhere and have a good time.
The thought of that fills me with anxiety, and I can't say why.
I don't fully understand my anxiety yet, that's why I have therapy.
That's why I have a case worker talking with me.
I wish I had full independence, but I'm just not there yet.
And the reason for that is just one four word sentence.
I'm not ready yet.

I can't tell you when I'm gonna be better.
I can't tell you when I'm not gonna be tired all the time.
I can't tell you when I'm gonna have my anxiety under control.
I can't tell you when I'll be ready to hang out.
I can't tell you when I'll be ready to have someone come to me.
I can't tell you anything, because I don't have the answers yet.
And people might not understand that, but it's the truth.
All I can do, is what I've been doing for the last few years.
I keep going to therapy, I keep having a case worker.
I keep resting, I keep doing music with Neil, I keep walking.
I keep learning Korean, I keep learning Japanese.
I keep watching wrestling, I keep singing, I keep writing.
I keep doing the things I know how to do.
But I don't do the things that fill me with anxiety for one reason.
I'm not ready yet.

But don't worry about me, because I'm gonna be fine.
I have a support system, and people who understand me.
I know my true friends will wait for me to be ready.
Don't ask me to hang out, because it makes me anxious.
It's not that I don't want to, it's just because I can't handle it yet.
But when I'm ready to do something like invite someone over.
Trust me, it will be a major moment for me.
Because that will mean I'm ready to take that step.
Ready to do something without thinking about it.
And while I'm not there yet, I think about it all the time.
But there are other things that have to come first.
Just remember that it's not that I don't want to socialize.
It's not that I don't want to be someone who goes out.
It's not that I don't want to have complete independence.
It's not that I want to spend my life alone in my room.
It's just the one reason I keep giving in this long thing of mine.
I'm not ready yet.

Just know that if you want to talk to me, and I know you, you can.
I may not be ready to hang out physically.
And I may be uncomfortable with phone calls.
You can always text me, or message me on Facebook.
I'm always logged in, even if I'm not on, so just message me.
I may not message first, because that's just how I am now.
But if you know me, and want to keep in contact with me.
All you have to do, is message me, and I will answer.
And the moment I'm ready to hang out somewhere.
Or ready to have you come to me.
Then I promise you, I will tell you.
Just remember to be patient.
And that this is annoying for me to, because I have to deal with it.
But with the help of doing what I know, and being with family.
With going to my music sessions and having therapy.
With doing the things I like and am comfortable with.
There will come a day in the future when I'll finally be able to say.
I'm ready now.

Until then, just know that I am always here.
Message me if you want to keep in touch.
If I know you, then you know, I can be a chatter box.
And I will let you know when I can hang out without anxiety.
I'm not ready yet...
But one day...
I will be.
Jul 2018 · 100
My Energy is Non-Existent
I have been trying to get back on track for a while now.
But it's been a few months, and I'm STILL not feeling fully normal.
I've spent the last few days feeling completely exhausted.
I don't know why, since I'm not anemic again, but I'm tired.
This is what I call "Autism sickness" or "Autism Illness".
But it hasn't gotten any better, if anything, I feel MORE tired.
I have to wait for refrigerator and car repairs before I can know why.
I'm just feeling tired and annoyed because I'm still tired all the time.
This isn't much of a poem, just more of a rant, I guess.
I don't know who even reads these things after they are posted.
I guess all I can do is post my little rants in this format, just to rant.
And if someone likes it, or can relate to it in any way, then thank you.
Thank you to anyone who reads this, if anyone reads this.
I'm gonna stop now, because I don't have much to say, I'm TIRED.
Mar 2018 · 390
Unanswered Questions
Why did you lie to me?
Why wasn't I good enough?
Why did you want me back?
Why did you say you loved me?
Why did you lead me on?
Why did you kiss me?
Why, why, why?

I don't know what to think.
These are just some of the questions I have.
Questions I will never get the answers to.
Because I still only feel hate when I see your face.
The thought of your name gives me anger.
And yet, I still wish I could talk to you.
To ask you all of these questions.
I just want to know why you did all those things.
I need to know why you would treat me like that.
When you knew I was so young and vulnerable.
You were the first guy I ever really fell in love with.
Just hearing your name used to bring a smile to my face.
Hearing your voice made me tingle inside.
Your kisses used to feel like heaven on my lips.
I told you about how I never wanted to have ***.
How I just wasn't into that sort of thing.
And you told me you would love me no matter what.
You even worked hard to regain my trust the second time.
Honestly, I didn't know I was in love, the first time.
We started dating, and I didn't know what I was doing.
So, when we broke up, I didn't feel much pain.
I didn't know how it felt, but I knew seeing you felt weird.
When you said you wanted to get back together, I agreed.
And as we spent our days together, I learned what love was.
I fell for you, fell in love with you, and wanted to be with you.
Then, on our first year anniversary, you broke up with me, again.
That time, I felt it, and I felt my very first broken heart.
That whole year, I was sad, and angry, but still, very sad.
That sadness wasn't good for me, because of how tired I was.
I was sick all that year, and losing you, that made me feel rotten.
That day, you were what gave me strength to go to school.
And when we broke up after school that day, it hit hard.
That whole year, I couldn't help but be sad and depressed.
Every time I saw you, my heart broke again.
I couldn't go into the cafeteria, because you were in there.
I couldn't stand to look at you, because you hurt me so bad.
At graduation, I looked at you, and you barely looked back at me.
Then, that summer, you contacted me on Facebook.
It had been so long, but you messaged me, so I messaged back.
We talked for a long time, and you told me you regretted it.
You regretted breaking up with me, and wanted me back.
I made sure you were serious, and you told me you were.
You even told me you would pinkie swear to never hurt me again.
And foolishly, I fell into your trap, for the third time.
They say third time's the charm, but not this time.
I take pinkie swears very seriously, and you broke yours.
Just a few months before our first anniversary, you texted me.
You started telling me you were scared, then said you weren't.
You admitted how you really felt, you had lied to me, again.
I tried so hard to get you to realize how much you meant to me.
I tried to get you to see how much you loved me too.
However, in the end, all those memories, they did nothing.
I made you a memory book, recapping all of our memories.
I made dozens of notes, and put them in that book.
I told you to read them, but you said, you didn't feel anything.
Those memories, those notes, they meant nothing to you.
Once again, you broke my heart, and I asked you why.
I asked you who made you think it was okay to do that.
What made it okay for you to throw the word love around?
And you said your dad, the man you didn't want to be like.
The man you hated, you did what he did, for the third time.
And now, I don't have a broken heart, I did the first night, though.
But now, all I feel is hatred, anger, and uncertainty.
I ignored you when I saw you at a winter concert at school.
Because I was still so mad at you for what you did to me.
And now, that anger hasn't gone away.
That's why I'm writing all of this on here.
You don't have this, so you will never see it.
But maybe, now I will stop seeing you in my dreams.
Maybe I'll be able to think differently when I hear your name.
Right now, all I can do, is type down all of this.
Type all of my thoughts, knowing you will never find out.
This is all I can do, because if I message you, it might happen.
I might fall into your trap again, another broken promise.
And I can't do that, I won't do that, I refuse to do that again.
I refuse to be another toy for you play with again.
I don't take the word love lightly.
When I said I loved you, I said it, because I meant it.
Whenever we kissed, I felt good, and I thought you felt the same.
Sometimes you wanted to kiss me for a long time.
Then you would hug me, then kiss me again.
You kissed me just right, and I felt so good.
As I type this, I can imagine it, but I know it will never happen.
I know what I thought we had, never existed in the first place.
Those feelings, they were one sided, and yours, they were fake.
I was real, but you were fake.
And now, I will never see you again.
And I will never forgive you, for how you played me three times.
I just hope that one day, when you meet a girl, you won't play her.
I hope you actually fall in love with her, actually care about her.
You say you cared about me, but you never did, not for a minute.
When you meet that girl, don't tell her you love her, if you don't.
Don't throw that word around like it's an every day word.
Because, between two people, it has so much more meaning.
The word describes the way you feel about your other half.
I thought you were my other half, but clearly, I was wrong.
Which is why, I hope you don't hurt the next girl who loves you.
I hope you are real, I hope you mean it when you say you love her.
Please, don't repeat the cycle you created with me.
Because, if you do, you will never have true love.
And for me, I am now scared to fall in love with someone.
Because I'm afraid they'll be lying when they say they love me.
But I hope I find the right guy, who means what he says.
When I ask him if he means it, I hope he tells me the truth.
I hope he doesn't lie to me, the way you did.
I hope he takes the word love as seriously as I do.
And unlike you, I hope he steals my heart, then keeps it.
Take care of yourself, and be better to the next girl.
That's all I can say, before I start repeating myself.
Have a nice life, and find happiness, real happiness.
Well, I'll end this, the way you ended us, "Goodbye, forever."
"Goodbye, forever." That's how the man I loved, the man I wanted to be with, ended our relationship. It was the third time, and that final line, those towards he texted me, were the ones that made me know he was a mistake. I wasted all those days I spent with him, and I will never get them back. That stupid memory book I made him, I hope he threw it away, because he doesn't deserve it. Don't fall for the same lie three times. In fact, be done with the guy after the first time. Because once a liar, always a liar.
Oct 2016 · 339
Hello Again
It's been a lot time,
since I've been on here.
Things have changed,
and school is now over.
Graduation came and went,
now I get to stay at home.
I haven't been on here,
in a very long time.
I don't know if anyone sees me,
or even cares when I write on here.
But I love to write,
have since I can remember.
So I will do my best,
to keep sharing my feels on here.
Where I can do so privately,
without revealing personal info.
Hello again, everyone on here.
Been a long time. Hello again.
I texted you one time, to ask if your sister was home.
You said, "Yup."
I asked if you could ask her to text me, since I don't have her number.
You said, "Sure."
I said, "Thanks."
That was the entire conversation between us.
It felt weird, sending you a text.
And your replies made me feel even worse.
It was obvious that you didn't care about hearing from me.
Besides, I asked you to do one thing, and you did nothing.
I got no text from your sister, nor did I get her number.
It's nice to know how much you care about me, your friend.
And more than that, you couldn't even text back "Hi" or "Hello".
If anything, you could've given me an honest answer, but you didn't.
I guess I won't be texting you for anything anymore.
Bye.
Texting an ex for a reason unrelated to him, and didn't get the answer I need.
Apr 2016 · 243
Are We Friends?
Are we friends?
I might not be ready yet, but I still want to know.
Do you remember?
Because I can't stop thinking about what we had.
Was it real?
I don't know, all I can say, is that I thought it was.
Are you embarrassed?
Because I know you hid when you saw my grandma.
Are you ashamed?
You told me you knew what you had done was wrong.
Do you understand?
I hope you know that what you did has left me scarred.
Do you care?
Because it seems like you don't even know I exist now.
Am I crazy?
Because I fell for you, only for you to hurt me again.
Why didn't I listen?
My mom kept telling me that she didn't trust you.
Are we friends?
Breaking up with someone is hard. Especially, when it seems like they've totally forgotten about you :(
Apr 2016 · 374
I'm Over It
I'm over it.
I'm over feeling the need to ignore you all the time.
I'm over you acting as if we were never together.
I'm over feel like I need to avoid you all the time.
I'm over thinking about our relationship every day.
I'm over missing you and me being a couple.
I'm over wishing what happened was a dream.
I'm over you acting like I never existed all the time.
I'm over wishing that I could just be with you again.
I'm over wanting to text you every day when I'm home.
I'm over all of it.
But my heart might never be over it.
Apr 2016 · 280
Dear ......,
Dear......,

I'm writing this, because I really need some peace.
Also, because I feel I need to say this to you.
You hurt me.
You knew what you were doing was wrong, and still did it.
The way you worked so hard to gain back my trust.
The way you comforted me during the Homecoming Dance.
I thought you really loved me, that you really cared.
But it turns out I was wrong.
Again.
You left me on the most important day in a relationship.
The 1 year of two people, being together, and being happy.
You turned that day into nothing but sadness.
Showing no love for what that day meant for us, meaning me.
It pains me to know that you used my loneliness as a crutch.
A way to make yourself happy, while giving me false honesty.
And how you said that you still wanted to be my friend.
Why are you acting like I never existed, if I'm still a friend?
Why do you never even attempt to talk to me about it all?
Why can't you just check to see if I'm doing alright now?
Is it that hard for you to admit that you hurt me badly?
So hard that you can't even look at me, and act like I'm here?
Because, I'm still here, it's just that you can't care enough to see.
It's been almost two weeks, and the pain is still fresh. I'm usually not poetic, but this is something that can't be sad without feelings of hurt, rage, and sadness.
Apr 2016 · 1.2k
I Keep Seeing Him Everywhere
I can't get away from him today, no matter how hard I try.
Everywhere I go, he seems to be in the same place.
I go to a different area, and he suddenly appears.
I wish I was just imagining it, but he's really there.
As in; the hall, the library, the cafeteria, I can't escape him.
It seems like I can't feel better, without him appearing again.
I hate not wanting to see him, but it just hurts too much.
When I look at him, I don't see the same guy I loved.
All I see is someone who hurt, used, and betrayed my trust.
I wish I could stop worrying about him, but I can't.
And seeing him just makes me feel worse about everything.
All I know is, it's hard trying to forget about him.
Because I can't pretend that he's not here.
I keep seeing him everywhere.
Today has been a hard day, and it's not even noon yet :(
Apr 2016 · 225
Happy?
It's hard to keep up with this feeling.
I still don't like to get up in the morning.
Not due to being tired, but being sad.
I may not see it in my dreams, but I see it.
There are reminders of him everywhere.
I can't make myself stop thinking of him.
And I can't deny that I still love him.
I may say that I can, but I can't.
I know what he did was wrong.
And I know that I can't forgive him easily.
I wish this whole year had be truthful.
I wish I could be happy when I think of it.
But all I can see now, are all the lies.
Making myself be open with him again.
No matter how hard I try, it still hurts.
Am I happy right now?
Can I say that I can be happy all day?
No, unfortunately, I can't say I am.
I'm depressed, and only happy off and on.
I'll be happy, when there's no question.
When I don't have to ask myself if I am.
Ever feel like something is going to go wrong?
Ever wish you didn't always feel the need to defend yourself?
Ever feel like everything you say is wrong?
Ever wish everyone would just stop yelling all the time?
Ever feel the need to run away from something?
Ever wish you could just turn your brain off for a minute?
Ever feel so full of panic for little to no reason?
Ever wish you could put exactly how you feel into words?
Well, those are just a few ways of describing how anxiety feels.
The truth is, there are many ways of having and dealing with it.
People can start to panic for no reason, or have multiple reasons.
It can come on suddenly, or it can be triggered by an event.
It can even happen based on something you hear from someone.
There's no telling where it comes from, but it comes from anywhere.
And, no matter what you may think, it comes in many different ways.
When someone says how they have anxiety, don't say they're wrong.
Just think how you would feel if they said your feelings were wrong.
Would you like it if they said that you weren't having anxiety?
No? I thought so, then don't treat them like they're faking it.
Don't tell them that what they're feeling isn't anxiety at all.
Who are you to say the way they're feeling, and tell them what it is?
If they feel anxiety differently than you do, then they just do.
There's no right way of having anxiety.
It's something that everyone struggles with, some more than others.
All we can do is be there for them, understand, and be supportive.
Don't tell others how they feel, let them tell you themselves.
Anxiety comes in so many different ways. When we have anxiety, no matter how it comes, all we want is to be understood. If someone is anxious for what seems like no reason, just remember, to them, there *is* a reason.
Apr 2016 · 759
Unanswered Questions
Why didn't you tell me sooner?
Why did you act on my loneliness?
Why would you think that was honesty?
How could you think I would just "move on"?
What made you think this was right?
How could you fake feelings for a whole year?
Why would you hurt me like this?
How could you do this to me again?
When will I ever get answers to this questions?
When will I stop having so many unanswered questions?
Apr 2016 · 416
Everything will be Fine
"Everything will be fine, you'll see."
"You don't deserve him."
"He's an idiot for treating you that way."
"Don't let him stop you from being yourself."
"Don't waste your time thinking about him."
"Do things that make you happy."
"Thing about the good times you had with him."
"Everything happens for a reason."

Really?
Is that what I'm supposed to do?
Well, thanks for the advice, but it's not really working for me!
I'm sorry, I know you're all just trying to make me feel better.
I'm just not in the mood to hear those cliches right now.
Every single quote is true, but to me, there's nothing but lies.
I can't think of any moment I spent with him, without seeing lies.
The word "love" should never be used, if you don't mean it.
Besides, all I want is for the pain to just leave me alone now.
I'm tired of having my thoughts go back to him all the time.
It's been two nights since I've seen him in my dreams.
I wish I could say I'm happy about that, but I'm not.
There are so many questions that are still left unanswered.
Even when I talked with him on that day, questions were ignored.
How can I trust someone, who lied to me every single day?
There are times when I think I was just too tired to think that day.
That maybe it never happened, and I'll wake up in my bed, happy.
But I know that thinking these things won't make it true.
I know the truth, and it's that he never loved me, but I loved him.
I still love him, though I wish I could forget he ever existed.
He just sits and reads, as if we were never together at all.
How can he act like nothing ever happened between us?
Does he really feel like this whole past year never happened?
Well, he can think whatever he wants, even if I have to bear it.
I just hope I can move on from this, because it's too painful.
What happened to make you decide to end it on our 1 year anniversary?
When did you decide that pretending you loved me was being honest?
Where did you get the impression that you needed to use me once more?
Why did you have to go & hurt me again, the way you said you wouldn't?
How could you think that I would be okay with being led all year long?
What did I do to deserve being treated this way by someone I really love?
When did you think that lying to me was the right way to be truthful?
Where did you learn you could love someone because they're lonely?
Why did you say yes to liking me when someone else said it for you?
How could I not have seen all the signs that proved you didn't love me?
What made me think that what we were actually meant to be together?
When did my mind decide to forgo any doubts that kept surfacing?
Where did you start giving off vibes that I should've picked up on?
Why didn't I see that you were only "going through the motions"?
How could I not see that my mom was totally right about you?
What made you think that lying to me was the right thing to do?
When did you think that I would love to hear that you never cared?
Where did you get the idea that you could keep your feelings inside?
Why did you think that I needed to be lied to for a whole year by you?
How could you just blurt something out on the very day of our 1 year?
What other questions am I supposed to be asking you before I let go?
When will I finally be able to feel the way I did before you came to me?
Where can I find the happiness I had when you told me you loved me?
Why do I need to go through this heartbreak for the second time?
How could you be so heartless, yet seem so sweet and genuine?
What was I thinking when I tried so hard to keep us from breaking up?
When did I imagine us sitting on your porch, for you to hurt me again?
Where was the first sign of you not really being honest of your feelings?
Why do I care so much about you, after you broke my heart and trust?
How can I be friends with someone who doesn't care about me at all?
What makes you think that you can do something so mean and selfish?
When did you think that using my loneliness to fill yours was honesty?
Where did it occur to you that made you didn't care about me at all?
Why would you decide to take a special day, then rip it to shreds?
How am I supposed to forgive you for what you've done to me?
The truth is, I still wish we were together, though it's not right.
I wish that Friday never happened, and that we were still one.
I loved the times we spent together, and can't act like I didn't.
I can't fake how I feel about someone, unlike the way you did.
I can't find it easy to "go through the motions", the way you did.
I don't say I love someone, only because it seems like "they" like it.
You told me love me way before I had the courage to say it back.
You kept telling me to take my time, and earning my trust back.
And the whole time, you were playing me, knowing it was wrong.
Honestly, you should have told Pat that he was wrong about it.
That you didn't really like me, instead of just go with what he said.
I can't believe you used my loneliness in order to fill your own needs.
I know you were lonely, and I'm sorry, but it doesn't make this right.
You still didn't need to lead me on for a whole year, then break me.
I let down my guard, let you all the way in, and this is the thanks I get!
You know what, I wish I could say I'm over you, but I'm not there yet.
You can pretend that we never existed all you want, but I know we did.
I need to accept the fact that I wasted a year of my life, being used.
And I need to come to terms with having my heart broken once again.
I still see you in my dreams, but it's never for good reasons at all.
Since Friday, I keep seeing you, and you could care less about me.
You tell me that you were using me because I needed you, I felt guilt.
You came to my house to ask if I could help you with school, then left.
Tried to make me think that I wanted to be your friend, you didn't care.
All you cared about was school, like on our 1 year anniversary.
You might not care about me, or love me, or anything, but I still do.
I still love you, & it will be a long time before I do, but I will move on.
I just had my boyfriend of 1 year break up with me, on our 1 year anniversary. I am very upset, sad, confused, and heartbroken. I have to write this, just to vent a little. If you read, you can like, comment, and subscribe if you want. All I wanna do is get out some emotions that are burning inside of me. Thanks for reading this if you did.
Mar 2016 · 904
Fighting Against Exhaustion
I feel like I can't get myself back to my normal state.
I come so close, and then get dragged back down.
I'm trying to fight, but I'm losing the battle.
It pulls at me relentlessly, and I can't stop it.
I try to do things that I want to do, but have to rest.
My energy keeps seeping away, after I start to use it.
I love to sing, but it tires me out so easily as of late.
I need to go to school, but it keeps sending me home.
I want to be with my boyfriend, but keep needing to rest.
I'm trying so hard to get back to normal, but I can't.
Why is it so hard to be awake and able to concentrate?
Why do I have to keep going back and forth all the time?
Why do I need to repeat myself to doctors and teachers?
I've been going through this for about three weeks now!
I don't mean to yell, but I just want it to go away.
I need to work on English, but I'm starting to shut down.
I hate feeling like I don't have the energy to get stuff done.
It feels like I may never be able to escape from this Anemia.
Even though, it may be a chronic illness, I still need relief.
All I ask for is some time to feel like my normal self again.
I just want to be able to sing, practice Korean, and do school.
I want to go back to my music lessons, and full school days.
I hate having to confine myself to half days because of this.
It's taking so much effort not to ask to go to the hospital.
I don't know what good that would do, but I hate this.
I just want to know why I keep feeling this way all the time.
I need to find a way out of this fog, and back into normalcy.
Sorry for ranting, but I just needed to get everything out.
It makes me feel better, but now I'm feeling tired once again.
I guess it's time for me to stop and rest for a little while.
But I need to get going with my English work before I can.
This is going to be another rough day, and I need to push.
I'll go now, but before I do, I just have one more thing to say.
If anyone else feels the way I do right now, you're not alone.
I don't know when, but things will change for the better.
And when it does, it will make you feel so much better :)
I have recently been diagnosed with Anemia. I don't have it severely, but I do have it. I am tired all the time now, and it won't go away. I also tend to be dizzy, and have a lot of trouble concentrating. I'm writing this just to vent a bit, because it's been on my mind. If you read this and like it, please feel free to like and/or comment, and subscribe if you want to, thanks :)
Dec 2015 · 427
Don't Panic
When people are being loud, but you are not.
When someone is angry, but not at you.
When a voice is raised, but not because of you.
When a teacher gets mad, but not towards you.
When someone is yelling, but not at you.
When there's bumper to bumper traffic, you're fine.
When you want to say something, just say it.
When it comes to all of these things, don't panic.
When none of these things have anything to do with you.
When you have done nothing wrong.
When you are sitting quietly and listening.
When you are just being honest with someone.
When you are seeing a teacher unhappy.
Don't panic.
Most of the time, these actions are not your fault.
If you never speak, then you're really not at fault.
If you are listening and paying attention, you're fine.
Don't panic about things others are doing.
Don't panic when a teacher is mad at other students.
Don't panic when someone is upset at someone else.
Don't panic when people are being loud in class.
Don't panic when you're not doing anything wrong.
Just tell yourself that you are doing what you need to.
Say that you are doing what the teacher wants you to.
You are not the cause of why things are going wrong.
When a teacher says, "Everyone" or "All of you".
They are not literally talking to "All of you".
It's usually just a few people, or one section.
Especially, if they don't look at you when they are mad.
That should tell you that they are not mad at you at all.
When they smile at you when you raise your hand.
When they are willing to hear you say something.
Then it's clear that they were not speaking to you.
When you feel worried about something.
Try not to overthink it.
And most of all.
Don't panic.
I wrote this because I have anxiety, and I tend to panic a lot, even, when there's no need to. And I know that there are many people who are the same way. And I just wanted to say that it's okay, you don't have to worry all the time. Anyway, thanks for reading this if you did. Feel free to like and/or comment, whatever you'd like to do. And again, thanks for reading this, bye! :)
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