Have you ever
been told to do one simple thing
but that one simple thing
cannot be done by you?

Have you ever
felt so useless and helpless
because you are unable
to do the one thing you are supposed to do?

Have you ever
been told you will never hear
the pitterpatter of a toddler's feet
running across your floor again?

Have you ever
wanted the one thing you will never have
so badly it keeps you
awake at night?

Me too.

I never thought
I would love again
until I looked in to
the deep blue eyes
of a little boy
that I created
with my own body

If you asked me
Why I fell in love with you
I would say
Your smile
The way you snort when you laugh
Your bear hugs
The forehead kisses you gave me every night
Your snores

But if I asked you
Why you fell in love with me
You would sit there silently
Because you can't remember

At what point
do you stop feeling
because I never noticed
until now

When I was a little girl
I imagined what my husband would be like
I imagined him kissing me when he walked through the door
I imagined him loving me with his whole heart

And when I met you
I knew exactly what he would look like
And that he would kiss me when he walked through the door
And he would love me with his whole heart

But somewhere that disappeared

I never imagined my husband would let me down
I never imagined I would cry on the edge of our bed all alone
I never imagined the weight of my heavy, sad heart would drag me down

I never imagined you could stop loving me

How suddenly we became
two people who forgot who they were

How suddenly we forgot
what is was to love each other

How suddenly we became
two strangers who sleep in the same bed

I wake up
to the feeling of his arms
wrapped around me and
his lips tangled up in my hair
like last night
is wiped from his memory
and the only evidence remaining
Are my red eyes
and swollen cheeks
and broken heart

Sometimes I see our reflection in the mirror
Sometimes I feel your hands around my waist
Sometimes I hear your voice whisper in my ear
But it’s always interrupted when I open my eyes
And realize you’re not there

I hate you
for the nights you let me
cry myself to sleep
while you lie awake next to me
pretending not to hear my gasping breaths

I hate you
for making promises
you knew you'd never keep

I hate you
for making me feel
so empty
so worthless

But I love you
for our first date
and you kissing me
on my parents' porch

I love you for the night
you got down on one knee
and asked me the question
I had been waiting for

I love you
because without you
I have a hole in my heart
where our love
once was

I am not sure
where we go when we die

And I am not sure
where the glimmer went
that was once in your eye

Two people can be great
But just not always with each other

I can’t pretend like I’m okay
With you sitting on my couch
And sleeping in my bed

I can’t pretend like I’m okay
With your indecision
And playing with my heart

But I really can’t pretend
like I don’t want you
with every fiber in my being

So please pretend that
I asked you to leave
And go on with your life
So that I can go on with mine

Have you ever been
so in love with someone
that every breath they take
sends shivers up your spine?

Have you ever lost
that same person
and literally felt
an empty space in your heart?

Have you ever cried so hard
you tremble with every breath
and your chest heaves
as you struggle to be quiet
because the person you lost
is laying right next to you
but they're a million miles away?

What do you do
When the person you have your heart to
Doesn't look at you the same?
What do you do
When your heart tears into pieces
Because the look that was once
In your husbands eyes
Has disappeared?
What do you do?
Someone please tell me
Because my heart is broken
And I can't put the pieces back together

When we love, it's fire.
It's unstoppable.
It's breathtaking.
It's an electric current running down my spine.

When we fight, it's rain.
It's life stopping.
It's heart breaking.
It's a cloud on my heart that rips open every scar.

Stuck in a cycle
We can’t break through

Cause I’m always all in
And you’re half out

Walking a tightrope
That’s about to snap

Right under our feet
And there’s no going back

I don’t feel like a very good mom
or a wife
or anything really
I feel more like a mediocre woman
just trying to get by
with no direction

I just wanted you to love me enough.

It’s 11:46 and you’re in my head
I keep writing about you
thinking about your lips on mine
and how my hand felt in yours

But instead it’s 11:46
and I’m all alone
in this big empty house
wishing you still loved me