Some people study others and                  then they have the secrets on how to destroy them.

            Often they don't and this is love.

I swear this boy does not deserve my poems
He deserves something bigger
His might deserves to be known
He deserves sections in library's

And to be acknowledged by children
They need to be taught about the wars he created by the power in his step
They need to be taught about the chemistry of connection
Of how his atoms captured mine
They need to believe in the magic , the merge of cells that become one
They need to study the science behind love
and then ...
They need to realise that it's not comprehensible it's just magical.

and when I'm suddenly sparked by a thought or by an instance

i am compelled to write
~and my hands obey my souls commands

I love you
Even if I'm not supposed to

I need you
Even if I convince myself that I don't

I want you
I know you will never be mine [ again ]

And ... I crave you
Even though you're a breathing sin.

We are magical
We are merged
This bond is inhumane

And I love you and that is enough

Lots of people only believe in a sickness that's visible.

shyly enters*
heyyyyy, it is I , me.
I know I haven’t been here in a while
I haven’t been much of anywhere if we are being honest, been floating a lot , pretending a lot and crying occasionally when it all surfaces.

But, I thought it was time to face you again. That sounds mean not face you I thought I’d drop by and let you know that today is just a little too much and we know that I sometimes can’t hold it all in and it manifests in tiny little droplets of emotion.

Let’s harp on that for a second. A single drop of solution carries razor blade pain , it carries harsh anger and subtle insecurities . I think that’s cool.

I met someone who once told me that water was his path to finding god. And if we want to get into the nitty gritties of semiology it makes perfect sense. For thousands of years fluid in all religious faculties water has been a symbol of cleansing of purity of rebirth.

Watch me reinvent myself , that sounds too confident. Just as the wounds close tight and scab to the perfect itchy texture, a new bang opens it and makes it bleed.

Rayhaan? Do you see me . Do you even know what you married? They say transparency and complete intimacy is at peak during a hard or slow ****... is that all you see ? The little girl that doesn’t like to be in control? The little girl screaming for love? The little girl that demands ( quietly ) to be degraded? To be held ?

A walking ******* contradiction.

Baby I’m so much more and so much less than that little girl and all you see is someone begging to be loved. I remember when you first fell i was still sitting on my throne watching you play in my ocean splashing around, bathing in my sun. And then I fell off , I was a commoner and you became the ultimate .
For a while we ruled in unison . But now baby you watch me drown from above . Do you enjoy the suffering ? Does it make you feel good that , that little girl is screaming to be held to be seen to be heard. She craves you.

I miss my best friend the one that would lay on the floor to catch my tears , just coz Mother Nature was not vast enough to absorb all the emotion. Now you watch it waste away to the ground like a element we have too much of.

Do you still love ? I’ve never felt like enough , do you finally feel that way too?

Everything’s too heavy right now, it’s all starting to merge in my head it’s becoming too loud. The medication will start working it’s magic on my neurotransmitters, forced sleep, forced love , forced ....

I love you.
I don’t have to tell you but know that no one will ever swim with your demons , no one will twist their bones to be enough for you like me . No one will EVER see you like this. You will continue giving brief glances of your personality but never your true self.

Bye for now
( strange how I started to write to the poem then myself and finally ended at you- maybe that is because you flow in my blood )

Sometimes we meet people//

And their laugh seems to bring a sort of lightness into your brief universe//

And when they smile the sun seems to be jealous due to the vibrance of this very act//

And the breeze envies the gracefulness of this persons movement//

And when they speak the words flow out of their mouths as airy as clouds seem to be effortlessly floating in the above//

Sometimes we meet people who cause our thoughts to rumble and they confuse our emotions//

Sometimes we meet people who bring us absolute and utter bliss//

Sometimes we meet people who influence us to to think and feel all sorts paranormal things//

Poets I am calling out to you?
I have a question?
Do you gain exhaustion after you write after months of bottling ink inside you?

Does it feel like a sort of tired pleasure ? A sort of burst from your inside , leaving you so drained but so pleased ?
Like an organism dripping from your soul? Does expression make you wet?

Her identity shall remain anonymous /
coz' it is the only way her demons come out from hiding in order to play /
they dance in the darkness and sing in the silence /

then //
they begin capture her /
slowly and discretely /
they cut her up through her notions and they begin to baptize her thoughts/

then they begin to swim towards her emotions /
she weeps with pain /
blood flows from her wrists and her heart begins to cry / her blood flows as the rivers flow into the oceans \

as each drop falls she begins to loose herself minutely / someone once asked ' why so profound '

she replied why not ?

We will not be remembered for all the ways we tried to change the world

- sad facts that come along with existing

It always baffled me on how women returned to their violent lovers

And then I realized I was just as foolish//

I had returned to you when you beat my heart to a pulp

When you violently murdered my trust

When you exiled and disregarded my emotions.

-But you see
I am like the sea
Because the shore sends her away everyday and yet she comes rushing back

I find you in all things beautiful

* Weather * it be drops of rain ~
Or when sunlight seeps through branches of big willow trees highlighting dust particles

I see you in thunder storms
And on glistening bodies of water

I see you in all things light
And all things dull~
You make me feel

The funny this is
Regardless of how many cigarettes I smoke , my lungs still remember the pattern that you made me breathe

The lilac sky still holds the memories of the days where you looked up and saw a jungle in a minute number of leaves ( I always loved how you looked when you didn't try )

My hands sometimes plead and moan due to your touch being absent.

And regardless of how much time I spend on convincing myself that I do not miss you , it all comes running back.
The fact that no one will ever have me as vulnerable or innocent as you once had me .

Lastly thank you for showing me that happiness can be found in someone else , sometimes even when we are not looking for it