someday, years from now
when you are waiting for her to come home
and your mind drifts to thoughts of me
and you like to think that I'm wandering aimlessly
drawing maps out of the past hoping they'll lead you back to me
you should know I've found a new resting place in the stability of someone else
I show him every scar and the stories behind them
and he smothers them in a kindness that cleanses every record of you
I left your memories with my shoes at his doorstep
and I stopped missing you when he welcomed the parts of me
I always had to hide from you

we used the right words at the wrong time
we were kids, tired of our hometown
cranking the heater and writing poetry with our hands in the humidity on your sunroof
you'd kiss my fingers and talk about us
another us, far from here
where we had already spent mornings in bed that faded into quiet afternoons
I told you I'd miss you and we left the spaces between us as some kind of divine obliteration
I'm forgetting the taste of october
and you are learning how to brave the chill of december without the warmth of me

isn't it wonderful to think that the light that I am seeking is also seeking me
healing may come in waves and so does missing you
but I'm giving myself a few more days and days may turn into months and that's okay
because I might not be where I'd like
but I am surely on my way

if my father has taught me anything in twenty years
it is to avoid a man with any resemblance of him
and it's not that I feel sorry for myself but if we're being honest
he broke my mother's heart before mine was ever intact
and I was born trying to piece together a mess of a man with no intentions of being saved
because I believed every drunken "baby things will be different soon"
and I thought that if you loved someone it meant pulling them out of the pit they dug themself into
so I keep letting people fall temporarily in love with me
and trying to fill the gaps of my past with boys with their own open wounds
hoping my words are a scapel until they realize I'm just a human and not a surgeon
I just knew what it felt like to have your heart ripped into shreds before I even knew what organs were

you touch me and the cracks in my lips bleed I bite them so hard
no one has ever been this close
your fingers draw circles on the back of my legs
you kiss every part of me I say I'd like to change
then your lips drip honey on all of my wounds
(the same ones he used to call a burden)

my poetry isn't about you anymore
and I'll be the first to admit there was a time where my mind could only piece together thoughts of you
and words fell from my mouth unwittingly
with nothing but metaphors
to romanticise the way you left
but I won't belittle all this world has to offer again
by thinking you are all there is
I used to think I was born with heartbreak in my blood
but I've realized I keep running towards it mistaking it for love

boys don't like girls whose feelings drip out like water
so I get dizzy off red wine instead of my thoughts
I want to kiss your lips and let you in the fortress I built around my mind
but all the progress I've made will mean nothing
and I can only pretend to be simple for so long until you'll realize I may be too much to love