I was born with sadness built in

Even my grandmother said, that is too much pain for a child to know

And so I stand in my shower

And I cry

And I don't care how ugly it looks

And I cry

So hard it feels like retching

And I cry

From a place I have always known

And I cry


I fear I always will.

Brew the coffee
Brush your teeth
Get dressed
The world is on fire

Get in your car
Drive to work
Sit at your desk
The world is on fire

Pay the bills
Clean the house
Feed the kids
The world is on fire

Take a shower
Lay your head
Start again
The world is on fire

Check your phone
Read the news
Wipe your tears
The world is on fire

Look around
See the flames
Feel the fears
The world is on fire

Wave your arms
Scream for help
No one listens
The world is on fire

Try to breathe
Want to leave
No one sees
The world is on fire

Hang your head
Time for bed
Start again
The world is on fire

Brew the coffee
Brush your teeth
Get dressed
The world is on fire

I'd hear the word
And recoil from it
The thought of prayer
Left me disgusted
How hard it is
To face each day
While gripping nihilism
So intensely that
Your knuckles turn white

What's the point
Of goals and dreams
If everything
Means nothing
And when you die
It's just like it was
Before you were born
You don't exist and
You don't even know it

Why waste my time
Doing anything of value
When I can drown myself
In drugs and *****
And still expire
Just the same as you

Yet once in a while
That question would
Push it's way into
My consciousness
"How could all of this be meaningless?"

The seed was planted
And as it grew
It broke through
That existential dread
Leaving just enough room
For hope to crawl in

I started to think that
Maybe there's more
To all of this chaos
Than anything I could
Ever comprehend
And who am I
To be so sure there's not

Then slowly my
Perspective shifted
My mind was open
And I no longer
Viewed the world
As upside down

Though the universe
Will always remain
A mystery
And the truth is something
I will never catch
For today,
I find myself okay
With "maybe..."

I can’t pretend
That you’re my friend
I’ve gotta defend
My side

I’m so ******* angry
You make me crazy
Not gunna back down and hide

Cause I’m fed up
With your games
At least a bully
Has the courage
To talk ****
To someone’s face
But you’re a coward
Your ***** work is done in whispers
Behind turned backs
Well, you won’t stick a knife in mine

Because I’ve changed, you see
Used to take your **** so passively
But this time
You’ll get a parting gift,
A piece of my mind

It’s over now
Don’t try to turn this around
My tongue will give you lashings
Leave you laying on the ground
So I suggest you stay away
No more than “Hi” after today
Put your tail between your legs
There’s no food here for a stray

I just want to
Believe the things
I wrote about myself
On yellow Post-It notes
Stuck to my mirror

What happened to the days
When I could be
Unapologetically me
Liquid confidence and *******
Not afraid
Of anybody’s judgements
Numbing the pain
But now I’m sober and
I’m stuck with just myself
Can’t break free from the discomfort
Of being trapped in my own skin
Insecurities and inhibition
Flowing through me like
A toxic injection
But I’m healthy and
My ****’s in line
Why can’t I give
Credit where it’s deserved
Instead I focus on the
Road that lies ahead
Rather than
How far I’ve trudged
Uncertainty trembles with
Every word
So ******* awkward
And everyone heard
Obsess about it for
Hours on end
As if this cycle of thought
Can somehow change
The way things happened
I tell myself
That nothing could be worse
Than being slave
To a substance
But something’s gotta change
Someone, somewhere
Teach me how to be sane
Or I’ll pick up that shovel
And start digging again

How can one believe
That there is no other life
In the universe?

This morning I cried
In front of sixty people
Still, I felt alone

Every day I pray
"Let my mind be kind today"
Yet I'm left unheard

A needle pushed through skin
Extracting life from veins
Another one is gone too soon
No longer fun and games

The word gets out, the posts are made
"I saw you just last week"
A family mourns a broken soul
A person so unique

What happened to their little girl?
Her eyes sparkled in the sun
Replaced by an empty, lifeless gaze
In the end, the darkness won

They clothed her in a long sleeve dress
To hide the markings on her arms
Around her bony, pale white wrist
Her favorite bracelet, dangling charms

They lower her into the ground
The grieving is far from done
And in the time it takes to blink
Somewhere, evil steals another one

There’s a beast that lives inside my brain
He’s feasting away, I’m going insane

“Your existence is ugly”
SHUT UP!!!
“Your mind is too”
STOP!!!
“All you think and care about is you”

Will it ever get better?
Will this noise ever quit?
Somehow masking my torture
In laughter and wit

They say the wolf that you feed
Will be champion of the ring
Well, I feed this wolf my self-hatred
He eats like a king

Even now as I pour my heart onto page
All I hear is criticism
That voice, screaming with rage

I dream of the day
The wolf escapes from his cage