Longing
        
               for a world made right

Knowing
  
               the truth that restores

                            
                                      Yet.
                                              Still.

Living

           in brokenness and disrepair

Waiting

              for the world to be pure white.

But
Love hung on a tree
Bruised body
blood flowed
Love died for my shame

Love didn't look at skin or color
Love didn't look at nationality,
legality
Love look at souls
and said we're brothers
Blood flowed
for every nation,
tribe and
tongue

But we've forgotten.

And now
the prophets of the streets
crying like Pentecostal priests
Beating chests and
stomping feet
Begging
those choosing blindness
to see

See our pain
Feel our fury
Our righteous anger
rages
against injustices you pretend can
remain unseen

You were born with this freedom
to close your eyes
We were born into a world
stabbing us from behind

So don't
bring your Bibles,
shove your tracts
drag us down aisles
You weren't here from the beginning
Fighting to break chains and
set captives free

"We have nothing to lose but our chains"

Our battle cry is freedom
justice,
equality for all
Jew and Gentile
Slave and free
Now the verses can read
Black and white
Upper class and lower
College educated, GED

You know, He's crying with us
shouting, marching
Beating chest and
stomping feet

Don't think you're bringing Jesus to us
He's already here,
on the streets
Prophecy of protests
Righteous rage against
iniquity
Jesus, the revolutionary

God with us
On the ground with us

Love doesn't look at
skin or color
And love hung from
a tree

It is our duty to fight for our freedom
Love has already won the day

And we have nothing to lose but our chains
We will fight to lose our chains

Blood poured from head, hands, lacerated skin
Water flowed from stabbed side
Love filled eyes instead of tears

All wounds time heals.
Threading the strings
of minutes, hours, years
carefully stitching up rips and tears.

Maybe no.

Perhaps time is a blade.
Dull and blunt
digging deeper, deeper.
A grim, grim reaper.

Maybe

time can't heal
a broken heart.
Or all those cuts and slashes
Those reoccurring gashes.

A cloud surrounds me.
Suffocates.
The lies, they feel so real they must be I can't see anything else anymore so
Clearly, so they must be
Everything I've forgotten, every scar that I had gotten, and the words, the stares, new knife-marks in my skin

I know the Truth, but I can't always discern the lies.

It only takes one, to get in, penetrating my skin. And downward, I spin.
Into the darkness, the abyss. I can't
get out
Drowning
The words and I think I'm the end of everyone's stares. It only takes one thing, to hear, and my mind runs wild. An inescapable spiraling of words and thoughts of self-loathing.
It's a tangled web of heart-broken conditions, misintentions, these afflictions, did you know heartbreak is a diagnosable thing? It is. I decided.
My heart was breaking.
My heart is break
ing.

Tangled misintentions, a wave of self-doubting afflictions, all conditions of this mess
we've woven.
A web we've spun from our brokenness, and in the madness my minds screams,

This is all your fault
Never good enough
Too much, or
Too little
You'll never be whole
Broken beyond repair or care
This is all your fault
Time to leave
Always say never
Because you aren't fit for any
Endeavor
It's better if you leave
You aren't good enough to believe
Just go
Never
good enough

The lies are so thick I can barely breathe
Scars aren't really healed if you're still bleeding from the slashes. Cut hearts and, broken wrists.

And none of it's true and part of me knows it, inside but the lies keep on coming and sometimes
self-deprecation, feels good
self-imposed asphyxiation, fills you up more than air in your lungs could
Because pain is an addiction when we won't believe who we are.
When I don't believe.
I'm just creating more scars.

And the lies wrap me up, suffocating in this web of misintention, but a moment of clarity reveals all these afflictions, I sense the darkness creeping in surrounding and
impounding my heart.
Drowning out the Truth, masking the lies, telling me I should believe I'm worthless.
And the lies
make sense
I'm
suffocating inside
I cry out, inside my heart and my mind

Tell me the Truth, I can't discern the lies.

That
infiltrate my soul, I've heard them so many thousands of times
But the scars haven't healed and I'm still bleeding from the slashes
I need a reason to sing, I need someone to bring me out before the swirling darkness settles in and poison takes over my veins. **** out the venom
Or I'll die here alone

And I cry to hear the Truth that overpowers the lies.

I was alone in a claustrophobic cloud of hateful invention.
And two hands reached in, grasped my shoulders, turned me round.
Looked past my eyes and straight into my soul.
Gentle and loving, I hear,
I will fight past the lies to tell you the Truth.
You're Mine

When the rain falls
and worries slide
like drops down a windshield
sprinkled in drops
And the fears don't
feel so
overwhelming,
anymore
Falling clouds
help the fears
fall away
And maybe by tomorrow
even though the mud
hasn't dried
and sometimes my
hands still feel tied
I'll start to feel,
like clouds fading into day,
a little more
okay

Hair
Wind rushing through
Thoughts escape
From ends of twisted tendrils
Hair
Lingering in the wind
A thought
A phrase
A word mentioned on a page
Forgotten

Whispered beckons
Arms held wide
an invitation
Join the dance

Heart filled of wonder at
love without restraint
Calling softly
gently
I long to dance
with you

A dance with the Creator,
created
with the Divine

More glory
can never be imagined than
what's found in the
freedom
of release

Creator beckons
the created,
join the dance

Because there's power
in the blood
And your hands have been washed clean
So come take hold of Mine
that were nailed
to a tree
For thee

To dance with the Creator,
created
with the Divine

Diamonds
Overrated
Who wants
Diamonds
To dangle, on ears
To hang from throat
To weigh down fingers
To tickle toes
Diamonds
Who cares
Yes,
They look good
Yes,
They cost lots
But who wants
Diamonds
I want
Pearls

Sometimes
I wonder
am I more saint
or sinner
Is it
self-preservation or
selfish and me-centered?

And how,
how can I know
when Your voice feels
so far off?

Am I saint
or sinner
self-preserving or
self-centered?

Your voice isn't sounding
all I hear is silence
And I beg,
I plead,
Lord,
am I a saint
or a sinner?

Sometimes I can't breathe
my soul
suffocating in
questions without answers

What
do you see, in me?
Saint
or a sinner?

Do I delight or
disappoint,
You and others with
this life I'm trying to live?

Questions
begging answers
can't rest until
they're found

Saint
or sinner,
self-preserving or
self-centered?

"God creates out of nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but he does what is still more wonderful: He makes saints out of sinners."
― The Journals of Soren Kierkegaard

Walls I'd
Carefully erected
Deconstructed in
A few moments of
Brutal honesty and
Embraced doubt
You'll run
You'll reject
Never forgive
Heaven forbid you forget

Those doubts, crushed
When the pressure couldn't
Be handled and
I combusted
Wall deconstructed
Those bricks held in place by
Mortar mixed with my lies
Set carefully by insecurity,
Crumbling in the explosion
Telling me
To just be

But now, not
Too long later,
I'm scrambling
To pick up the pieces
Gathering bricks and ashes
Remixing my mortar of lies
Trying to reconstruct
My walls

I know
That it isn't good, but
It sure as hell feels easier
Stack brick, on brick
Hide away,
All hide and no seek
I know it's no good
But it sure feels easier

I know
Out of ashes can
Come a beautiful new creation
Redeemed and restored
Because
Lighting and sand make
Glass in a storm
Combine enough
Pressure and heat and
You get a diamond

I know beauty comes
From ashes and
I'm a rough cut diamond crafted
By Greater Hands

But I still want to
Scrape up the ashes
Mix my mortar,
Build my wall
Because it may not be good,
But it sure as hell feels easier

Help me believe
Your diamonds are
Better than
My bricks
Don't let me reconstruct
My walls of
Insecurity and
Self-sufficiency
Deconstructing all
You've built in me

I have
To love You more

Blue eyes
hiding my
demise

but

springs
of grace flow
melt my
heart of snow

blue eyes

free

I am
     the only wall you will ever need

                                                    Stop hiding
                                                   Stop fighting
                             against the wrongs you have committed
                               things you wish could remain hidden

Shame is just a mask
Guilt a hidden dagger
         stabbing you again and again
                   never letting you get better

The beauty of grace
is you don't have to be afraid
Mercy new every morning
I've taken your cloak of shame

                                        You can hide behind me
                                    because grace is an ocean and
                                   I've already stopped the storm

When everyone says,
                               "be perfect"
My outstretched arms say,
                               "I already am"

When you hide behind a wall
a construct of your own two hands
You limit a grace that is greater

           Shut everyone out
                           box yourself in

It's not about what you can do
            
                                         It's about what I've done  

I'm tearing down your walls
because I'm the only one
you need

I am a small child, again -
wrapped in the arms of
Some One who loves.
Strong arms,
wrapped around
never release
never leave
always

I can't
Stop
Wondering if
What if
I do or
I don't
Will I fall
Or fly
What
If, and
How can
I know
The difference between
A leap of
Faith and
A foolhardy
Or worse, suicidal,
Jump
Off a cliff
What if

Snow, I hate, No,
Dislike.
Snow’s dislike originates,
Snow indicates-
The air becomes cold enough,
Pour down
White-feathered drops
Upon our heads
Snow, I dislike
Yet,
If cold is cold,
It has to be
I’d prefer
It pretty
So snow's cold I dislike,
But snow appearance
I like

Catching dreams
like paper planes.
Flying,
twisting,
falling, all about.
Blowing in the wind,
like grains of sand.
And suddenly
there's nothing holding you together
Anymore.

forever and always.
a very long time.
Flying along with the feeling of freedom. elation. sprouting wings, they shoot out from shoulderblades. Time to sour. Unrestrained, liberty and life in the breath of the clouds. Whole and Complete. Joy unending.
these things can't be written, only felt and forgiven. Unbidden, so, welcome still. Freedom of the soul can't be lost of sold. the way the music plays, crescendos and dances. Notes the most beautiful melody of joyous abandon.
Release. Fly.
Freedom in the waves, wings glide along glistening waters.
Sparkles.
Millions of diamonds dancing atop waters, delighting in the laughter of joy and, innocence. Wings unfurl, plummet through sky. no stopping no turning no end to this flight. Can't open or close, define or control. this freedom brings so, much, more. Words can't describe, minds can't imagine. Poets left wordless, musicians without notes.
Purity, not a definable thing. This love, that they sing. it isn't a definable thing.
release, be free. That's the song to be sung, nothing can come, near. Sweeping and swirling, with no worries simply twirling. unimaginable. uncontainable. the beauty of this freedom song. A dance, sweet flight, all things beautiful. Release and relinquish and be free inside. arms open wide, wings spread so free. on top of a cliff, overlooking the sea. Breaking. Free.
Forever and always, the love of which we sing. freedom comes at a price, I'm growing new wings. break. free. New and completed, ever appreciated. Perfection in imperfection, every bit accepted and, unabbreviated. No need to say no, to change or to bend. Just spread those wings and sour through the breath of the wind. Undivided and unqualified, yet utterly complete. Perfected in the sight of love consummate.
Flawless, fearless, freely flying, forever and always. such a very long time.
Perfectly broken and unintentionally flawed. Beautiful in the chaos of a world still in snow. Beautifully broken, all the battles have been won. sweet wings open wide, feathers glisten and gleam.
fly. fly.
fly free.

trepidation.
walk on eggshells. Don't make the wrong move. words are more powerful than you know. vanquished by them, yet again. Woulds never heal when written by a blade of sound.
walk away.
hopeless, forlorn. dejected and rejected. failure cuts a knife so deep. why. Never should make a person feel, this way. rejected. a state of being denied, shunned, dropped, jilted or abandoned. Drop-kicked is more accurate. through thoughts and feelings and walls of un-intention. Unintentional doesn't mean, unafflicting. It's not unconditional.
Up, down, turn around. Hide and seek, but words will always find you. Ominous. Noxious. Apocalyptic. Impending and inauspicious, never pending doom. Don't drown. words surround. Overpower and oppress, get in touch with loneliness. Inescapable. Better to surrender. words.
Immobilize. Can't even hear. Things being said, here. take out. shut off. take over. can't control. it's overtaking. seize power. let go. it'll never stop. Beaten. Buried. Conquered. No respite here. Weariness, none do care. Defeated, run-over. a dump truck of cruelty crushing, running over your heart. The soul is next. **** the heart, now defeat the senses. can't, survive. stressed and, suppressed.
The power of a consonant hath never been matched.
Rip apart, tear down from the start. People don't matter when reduced to mere words and petty emotion. Remove humanity. Steal personality. Nothing matters. Anymore. Disheartened and, Decomposed. Striped bare. unaware. doesn't matter, anymore.
forebodingly frightful. frustrating, feeble, failing, falling, faintheartedly framed. Fuddled. Flustered. No solution to this mess. no respite from such unbearable distress. The fright won't subside.
What a great terror, to be left outside. Alone. In the dark. words. tear, destroy. Shut out in the cold, still scared and alone. Abandoned and deserted. Desolate in a land of cruel misintentions. Uneager comprehensions.
Falling, no stopping. Fear suffocating any chance for hope. Fall.

no butterflies in my stomach
I have hands in my chest
grabbing my heart
squeezing it without rest
Crushing me
I'm helpless at best
Tears welling up
salty pieces of soul
filling my eyes
down they roll
You can't ever fully escape
heartbreak
Tears
my broken self spilling out
seeping through my skin
Can't hold it all together
forever
Maybe I'm grateful for
those hands crushing my chest
Don't have to feel all the pain
desperately trying to find rest
But my soul won't stop crying
heart bleeding salty tears down my cheeks
This heartbreak doesn't heal
you just learn to live with the pain