Jessy Ivan Diaz

Jessy Ivan Diaz Apr 2014

There isn’t a day where I stop and think why I smoke and damage my body with the impurity of chemicals that wind down my life.

I have read the warning label informing you
it’s hazardous and potentially fatal,
but what I have come to realize Is that I don’t smoke because I fear death but because I am full of damaging psychological pathogens that lurk in the hollow bits of my bones that poison me with
anxiety,
fear,
love,

and the inability to handle myself around you.

What they don’t warn you about in those labels is the fact that one day you’ll meet a girl with the same afflictions as the nicotine inside tobacco based products,

where you have to get your fair dosage or your hands shake violently like hurricanes and tsunamis. You crave her touch every day the way the grass craves the sunlight. She becomes the addiction that wakes you at 5 a.m. With the urge to touch her body the way your fingers hold ciggerette in between ******* in perfect harmony.

But how I wish I could have you now than these pathetic sticks of cancerous effects, where your effects ****** my mind with touch and words, your breath in my lungs.

I dislike how I’m still here smoking,
wondering why it isn’t you that I still inhale,
whom I crave every morning before dusk.

And then I realize,
I broke the habit,

and I’m no longer addicted to the serene smell
your skin,
or the touch,
wetness of your lips,
or perhaps the way you said my name.

Until today, I feel like I have to have you inside my bloodstream,
but relapsing would take me back to those times where I wished I had you, and you weren’t around.

I want you around.

Please be my addiction again.

#love #sad #yearning #hope #us #smoking #habit #vice #warning

Jessy Ivan Diaz Apr 2014

havoc

You lie next to your pillows in bed and you have trouble sleeping the way the moon does when it’s phasing out. I can see it in your nutty eyes the fear that lingers from the nightmares you still have from that day he took you and did harm like raging fires on the hills of a dried out California.

Unlike anything before you linger in your corner
wondering if you’ll ever be okay,
if this tragedy is something that’ll prevent someone,
or something from loving you.

It causes havoc in your heart
and I can hear it in your voice
as it shakes from your mind
replaying those burning moments
that have left third-degree marks on your skin.
His hands swept through the surface of your skin
as if you were some prize he won at a county fair.

You pop like a balloon and tears run down your face
you scream for help,
but nothing is heard
you feel alone,
no one believes you
because well,
you asked for it,
right?

Wrong

Your skin wasn’t asking to be touched by fire,
leaving scars that don’t fade by time itself,
Your body didn’t ask to be taken advantage of like dry grass in a drought.

so now you live in fear,

fear that you aren’t worth being loved,

fear that you have to live for the rest of life reliving those moments of torment

I am here to tell you even the deepest wounds can heal,

It just needs the tender love of someone with a steady hand to hold the pieces in place,
you are a walking miracle as your face is hit by the warm sunlight and your eyes melt like honey.

You are the hero in your story,
you don’t need to be saved by anyone
Most importantly

Don’t Forget to love yourself,
as I have learned to love even the darkest bits of universe.

#pain #hero #story #personal #save #**** #miracle #victim #trigger #havoc

Jessy Ivan Diaz Apr 2014

Past tense

I shouldn’t write about you, but tonight I went star gazing and I thought about everyone I’ve ever made love with.
Your name crossed my mind and it drowned me in a flood of memories.
The first time you came over, you took my shirt off like rapid fire. Your breath smelt of ****** cigarettes and Redbull.
You’ve been drinking.
Your hair was all over the place hitting me here and there. I tried to place my fingers in-between your locks. But eventually I took your shirt off.
Ten minutes passed by and we were naked. Your body below me and I was crouching lower and getting closer to your ******. I kissed your thighs, licked them gently like a lollipop, savoring the the taste of your skin.
No one would ever taste like you do against my teeth. My tongue. My mouth.
You were so wet. I was so *****.
We switched sides, you’re on top now. Your mouth against my neck, your teeth making way into my skin like a thirsty vampire you bit me.
Your hands slowly skimming my chest and tracing my tattoos.
Everything was so perfect wasn’t it?
The way the moonlight hit your body, the temperature of the room wasn’t freezing but when our bodies were close we could feel them melting.
Funny thing, we didn’t have ***, it took us three years for that to happen. I’m not sure if I wasn’t ready too or if I was afraid too.
But when we did, your body felt like an ocean, and I was drowning out at sea.
I had trouble breathing but you were like oxygen to my lungs and I was alive. More alive than I’ve ever been. Thinking I never loved you would be a lie, and I’ve been constantly telling myself I didn’t.
But ******* I did. I loved you so much, but you were the girl with crystal blue eyes that broke my heart. The girl that got away. The one who swam in the night sky and sunbathed perched on the crescent moon.
You often cross my mind and I won’t lie I miss you, our ****** friendship we had.
The reason being because you showed me how to love myself. I respect you for that, I respect you for the human you are. Even if your feet were cold with me, I learned and I lived, I was the hero in my own story.
You will always be an important piece of my life. Even if you’ve disappeared from It, we were fire and gasoline.
We could’ve been beautiful.
We will never know now, and I’m okay with that.
You are greatly missed.

#love #ex #past #thoughts #you #*** #lovers #body #personal #moments #exploration #lj

Jessy Ivan Diaz Apr 2014

Paper town

Like origami our bodies are shaped
and shifted into items molded by others.
Hands forcing us to be a certain way,
a lie,
specifically for them.

This isn’t me.

Nor you.

You asked me why keep coming?
Why?

I didn’t tell you why,
I told you a piece of why I would come back
not why I did.

I came back to this paper town
because you were the one real thing
that burned like gasoline,
leaving burn marks in my throat.

Your hands wrote memories across my chest,
your lips left scars where ****** hair now grows.

I came back because I couldn’t walk away
from the one thing I love the most,
and that’s you.

You’re right,
we used to chase each other
like a childish game of tag.

I guess,
we’ve grown up now,
wether we wanted to or not.

Tag is no longer a part of our lives,
and we don’t play with dice like gamblers do.

I came back to show you what a beautiful human being you are,
to prove to you that without you I’d be somewhere over the horizon in an ocean drowning demons that know how to swim,
to forgive you of all the pain you’ve caused me,
to love you the way I should have the first time around,
because you’re so ******* amazing.

I come back to see you because I worry about your safety,
I worry about you,
I care about your well being,
I visit you to know that you’re okay,
that you're happy.

I come to see you because I need to know how you’re doing because if I don’t I feel like my soul would combust from all the over thinking,
the worry,
the love left unanswered.

Most importantly,
I come back because you’re my best friend,
my other half.

#love #worry #yearning #friend #her #you #lovers #us #missing #personal #bestfriend

Jessy Ivan Diaz Apr 2014

Drifting away

Don’t burn away into the abyss like you’ve done before
you don’t know how painful it is to sit around the shoreline
waiting for your body to drift by,
a simple wave now gone.

No hello into the moon light,
just the cold breeze and darkness,
that’s where it all lies.
Don’t go,
please
don’t
go.

#love #yearning #pain #loss #goodbye #hopeless #us #bye #walkaway

Jessy Ivan Diaz Apr 2014

Addiction

I used to miss you like the addiction a ***** harbors,
your tongue needle like against my lips
your teeth a ******* euphoria,

unlike over the counter high ****.
You bite into my skin
and light fires inside my veins
and I can feel the rage inside my heart,
the pain rises from it’s slumber
and I recall the way your embers tasted
when I was the one inhaling
your porcelain skin.

This is the life of an addict
and I have gone cold turkey.

#love #kiss #addiction #pain #beauty #lips #you #us #high #euphoria

Jessy Ivan Diaz Apr 2014

Wrath

I believe hurricanes sway away the filth we’ve built,
volcanoes engulf empires so something new
and healthy can flourish.

Oceans expand to submerge what’s poisoning the world.
Fires burn flesh that’s rotting.

These things I believe are ways Mother Nature shows the human race that she’s in power, and no one can overcome her.

#fire #world #nature #power #earth #ocean #mothernature #prose