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hj Jun 2022
I remember an old guy he was an alcoholic hospitalized with me, he used to cut his cigarette filter so it guests stronger, I do the same sometimes, I wonder what he’s doing now. When we used to ask him he used to say “I’m already messed up there’s nothing left to ruin” I wonder if he’s okay now if he finally has something to ruin, I wonder if I do too, and then I remember you. I remember your eyes looking at me like I’m the only thing that matters in this universe, I remember, how u could know if I was asleep or pretending to avoid a conversation, you said my eyes smiled when I fell asleep, I dont know what you meant by that, but it made me smile. I remember you proposing to me with a pine cone, and promising me you will do it again one day, but for real. I remember spending two days locked in a car with you, you were worried about me, you wouldn’t leave, we slept uncomfortably, but we were still comfortable cuz I was in your arms and you were in mine.
I remember dancing with you in the er as we waited for me to be admitted, it was cringy and cheesy but I didn’t care, in your arms the only thing I care for is you. I remember your lips on mine and how they tasted, I remember how the universe exploded but disappeared at the same time when you kissed me for the first time. I remember when You pinned me me against the wall and kissed me as if I was the only running river in a drought. I remember the flowers I sent you and how you keep them, I remember how u put my birthday gift in a box filled with those same flowers that you dried, it was a necklace a ring with wings, it was a promise. A promise that one day, we’ll have everything, we’ll have a house with a garden, and cats, so many cats, one day we’ll have kids and I’ll tell them how much their dad loved their mom, that’s how they’ll learn what love really is, one day we will have something to ruin, we will have everything to ruin, but we won’t
Jul 2021 · 141
Ducks in every color
hj Jul 2021
We tell children to be creative
Think outside the box
But then we shape them into the same people  from the same mold
Tell them to paint inside the lines
All the same color
Tell them holding their heads too high snaps their necks
Make them into copies of each other
All the same color
Mother I want my elephants to fly
And my ducks painted in every single color
Just like my sister painted when she was three
I want my books from a world we don’t know
And my poetry to rhyme only when it wants to
I want to paint my words
Not in the same way others have
While appreciate what other people painted their words with
As long as we have different bloods running through our veins
We will always be different
But we all have blood running through our veins
To remind us that we are the same
Remind us to appreciate each other without putting each other down
I want my skies pink
And my grass purple
I want my coffee to smell like roses
And my tea to smell like the earth
My wine to taste like the moon
And my box to be the universe
And whatever is beyond
I want the universe in every soul to grow
And glow
And make this place a little less dark
And I want my ducks in every color
Just like my sister painted
Dec 2020 · 68
murder on christmass eve
hj Dec 2020
she loves you with all her being
she would give away her soul for you
on the night of Christmas eve
you killed her
you killed the person who would run to you
the person you would run to
the angels sing
and devils laugh
monitors beep
****** on Christmas eve
she bleeds cries screams
she would run to you
but how can she when it's ur knife in her chest
she's six feet under
u are oblivious to what you have done
for her ghost will still smile for u
her ghost will still hug you as you sleep
wipe your tears when you cry
for she couldn't find it in her self
to hurt her lover
even if he killed her
but you will look like a fool
as you dance with the ghost
of the girl
you murdered
on Christmas eve
hj Dec 2020
your sister laughs at the to of her lungs
while my tears water the pillow
maybe the ashes on it will grow into a phoenix, probably not
they say the phoenix rises from the ashes
burns again
then rises again
then burns again
then rises again, and the cycle never ends
it feels like my life is going the same way
crying in bed
suicide attempts
hospital beds
and it feels like it's never gonna end
but it ends
though it doesn't feel like rising
cause it happens again
cause when I rise to the surface
above the water
it seems like I've forgotten how to take a breath
it goes up and down
but up doesn't feel good
it's not as bad as down
still, it feels confusing
cause I know I will turn into ashes
yet again
your sister laughs
I cry in my bed
I keep it down so u don't hear a sound
cause I don't want you to ask me why I'm crying
I'll probably just end up lying
saying I'm fine
and I don't want your sister hearing me cry anyway
the moon whispers goodnight
but the drunk rooster
screams wake up!
I'm awake, rooster
I always am
but darling moon
I'm dead inside
hj Feb 2020
It’s a sin
It’s a fault
I kind of want to scream
I’m sorry
To the whole world
You’re destroying me
By building me up
Getting me down
By helping me reach the top
Oh stop
But don’t stop
Let’s stay away
But not give us up
Let’s have hope
But let’s give up
Let us laugh
Let us sob
I’m down the hill
But at the mountain top
I’m going crazy
But my sanity doesn’t drop
I’m alive
But my soul gave up
I found this poem I wrote back in 2018
Jan 2020 · 50
hj Jan 2020
Inside of him
The whole universe existed
But he refuses to see
How beautiful he is
He sees the good in every body
He forgets the good in his
He thinks he’s not lovable
Well lovable darling is a soul like you
The mix of colors
The sunshine sunrise hue
Sometimes we view ourselves
As something we’re not even close to
He says he’s the devil
Well honey you have no clue
Of how beautiful you are
And how you believe something untrue
I want to open ur eyes
They’ve been closed for quite a few
And I want you to see my darling lover
The universe I see in you
Jan 2020 · 107
hj Jan 2020
Dig ur claws into me why don’t you
Shatter my heart of glass
Stab every part of my body that still works
**** me with ur words
Dig into my skin
And cut the pieces
I tried to mend
Break my life and my existence
It’s already broken
What’s the difference
Dec 2019 · 336
hj Dec 2019
Our love
Is double suicide
Nov 2019 · 481
Playing Cards
hj Nov 2019
What is it like
to play the last card
Playing with cards
from the shards of your heart
What's it like
to see in the dark
light a little spark
What's it like
to see in black and white
What's it like
to feel a rainbow inside
What's it like
to feel it all together
What's it like
to enjoy
but suffer
Ask me what it feels like
trust me I know
What it's  like to laugh
when you have suicidal thoughts
What it's like
to have tears of joy
While the monsters in your head
play with your heart like a toy
And make you cry
and cry
Cry over and over
When pain is your drug
and you haven't been sober
You always tell yourself
it's gonna be over
But what is it
the joy or the torture
When will you hang
a rope to your collar
And the blood fro your wrists
keeps pouring
over and over
Or maybe one day
your heart won't be polar
and black and white
will burst into the sky
and a rainbow writes
It is finally
Oct 2019 · 239
hj Oct 2019
And then you remind me of why we left
Oct 2019 · 123
hj Oct 2019
I still love you
I really really do
And I’m hoping you see this poem
So you read the words I couldn’t say to you
I’m still in love with your hair
And the way you stared
At me
I’m still in love with ur lips
And your smile
With your broken pieces
And ur chips
I’m still in love with the way you comfort me when I’m sad
And the way you held me in your arms
Until my tears stop
They way you kissed me slow
Or when u kissed me fast
The way you kissed my chin
The way you kissed my neck
I miss your body sleeping next to me
I miss when our souls join
I miss you with my all
Aug 2019 · 571
Look into my eyes
hj Aug 2019
Look into my eyes
I wanna see
What I look like
Without my scars
Jul 2019 · 189
hj Jul 2019
my role in this life with you
Is to make you happy memories
you are my inspiration
Jun 2019 · 7.1k
hj Jun 2019
I want your fingers in my hair
wanna feel your breath against my lips
I want your hands roaming my body
your eyes exploring my soul
I want to stay away from everybody
every body there is but yours
I want the moon to lose our shape
can't find our bodies separate
I want our auras to lose colors
and find one rainbow beaming in the dark
I want you dark and in color
I want your lips the taste of cigarettes
I want your lips the taste of hot chocolate
I want you daisies
I want you irises
But I want you
and only you
May 2019 · 137
hj May 2019
did u imagine
he tasted like me
when u kissed him
May 2019 · 375
hj May 2019
you are the light of my life
and I never wanna be in the dark again
May 2019 · 485
push u away
hj May 2019
go away
my lips say
but my heart says differently
I don't wanna see ur face
I say
but I know I want you to stay anyway
I wish I could just translate my love to you through touch
u would've never felt empty
my mind goes crazy
I push u away
I keep pushing u away
but my heart
I swear
whenever I say
what I say
it screams
plz stay
Apr 2019 · 159
hj Apr 2019
razors and blades
and blood and scars
lost my faith
in a worls that's ours
**** happens
life is cruel
and i'm the little ****** fool
that life chose to ****
ashes and cigarettes
and cigarette burns
i'm in a little room
the walls cave in and it turns
and i,m losing my mind with every inch
my head is getting messed up
my life gets more ****** up
i can't handle this **** anymore
my head is a hot potato everyone throws around
my head sleeps to sorrows sound
it's been long
and now it's my lullaby
and i'm stuck in these circles
and time is passing by
it's passing me by
i know it *****
Apr 2019 · 216
hj Apr 2019
Maybe We lost it
But maybe We didn’t
And I shouldn’t miss u
But I always do what I shouldn’t
Apr 2019 · 485
hj Apr 2019
First chance you blew it
Second you threw it
Do you want me to chase after you?
Cuz honey I won’t do it
Mar 2019 · 197
hj Mar 2019
I waited for u to call back
But this time u didn’t
Stared at your profile picture
Even though I know I shouldn’t
I still cling to you
I know I shan’t
But you tell me to move on
The thing is love
I can’t
Mar 2019 · 185
hj Mar 2019
I know u should
But it’s hard for me to see u move on
Mar 2019 · 1.6k
hj Mar 2019
Praying you’re okay
Wishing I was there next to you
Wishing I could tuck u in bed and tell you everything is alright
Wishing I could kiss you
Wishing I could see ur beautiful smiles come to live
Wishing u all the happiness in life
Wishing you would stay with me forever
Wishing to see ur beautiful face
Wishing to taste ur smile
And state into ur eyes
Wishing I could wipe ur tears
When u don’t feel alright
Wishing my days
Where with u
And the nights
Wishing us a tomorrow
Filled with lights
Wishing all the tears away all the time
Wishing us a house
With both of us inside
Me hugging u tight
And us watching the sun at twighlight
The first in a series of 11:11 wishes I sent to my ex
Mar 2019 · 204
hj Mar 2019
She put the flowers u bought her
By her side on the floor
Turned the stove on
And closed the door
She left the blood
That dripped into the sink
Left a note next to her
Where sorrow was her ink
She shoved the hair she cut
Into a bag away
And then the poison that escaped from the devil eyes of the stove
Whispered u won’t stay
She took a deep breath
Before she started choking
And the noise of her choking
Her body crying for help
Was cut by silence
Mar 2019 · 556
hj Mar 2019
you are the air i breathe
and i feel like i'm choking
Mar 2019 · 173
hj Mar 2019
Your name is still my phone’s password
I still didn’t throw out “our” shirt
Still feel butterflies when I get ur text
Still fall asleep pretending you’re next
Still need you
Still love u
But what changed is
I can’t have u
I miss u but ur right here I just can’t reach for you
Mar 2019 · 414
hj Mar 2019
See lovers holding hands on the streets
But I can't hold my lover's
Some people prefer the rainbow
Drained of its colors
Mar 2019 · 309
hj Mar 2019
if I can't be
what I want to be
then I choose
to not be
Feb 2019 · 557
hj Feb 2019
If they don’t let me be with you in this universe
I’ll pull us into another
If they don’t let us be together in life
I’ll die for you my lover
They don’t decide what we are
Or what we get to be
They don’t make us
Our souls are free
They can shutup
Leave us alone
Let them say what they won’t to say
I won’t give u up
Whatever they say my love
They won’t mess us up
Feb 2019 · 1.2k
hj Feb 2019
I don’t believe in reincarnation
But if I did
I wish to be reincarnated in the grass u lay on and that star in the sky
The same star you wonder at every night
Or the soft breeze that blows by your window first thing in the morning
Your dark coffe mug so I could be as close to your lips as I can be
Ur mirror so u could see yourself through my eyes
The tree that sits in your  backyard so you can trace our initials on my skin
And I don’t know if reincarnation is real but I know our love is
Feb 2019 · 135
hj Feb 2019
No matter how many people touch my body
My soul will always belong to you
Feb 2019 · 409
hj Feb 2019
Say you'll remember me
Catch our broken dreams
When you sleep at night
Do you hear the echoes of my tears
When you wake up do u feel my kiss
against ur soft cheeks
Let me haunt you
Because I couldn't have you
Make me your ghost
Did you feel me when the wind blew?
Did you see me in the sky?
the dots of light in the blue
I'll be watching over you
don't let my ghost scare you
and if at night I hold you
don't stare at my slit wrists
Don't stare at the rope traces on my neck
where I can still feel ur soft kiss
too creepy?Or too stupid?
Feb 2019 · 318
hj Feb 2019
And the irony is
If I slit those wrists you held tight
They will bleed the blood that still loves u
Jan 2019 · 132
A Painted House
hj Jan 2019
If there is another universe
I’ll paint the you and I who made it through the fire
A small house to rest their souls
I’ll make them a latte and a dark coffee
And let that sit on the kitchen counter
I’ll place the house in the middle of nowhere
Where we wanted to be
And I’ll grow them dandelions
Give them a bit of peace
I will paint them a house
By the pond of my tears
And I’ll watch them
Be what I wanted
The future that I lost
And sink in the nothingness forever
I read that title in a library and this came out
Jan 2019 · 346
Irony in Black and White
hj Jan 2019
White and black
Search for a hint of color
But they ran away with you
Search for my tears
Look for my smile
But it’s nowhere to be seen
Not without you
Funny how I can take
Longer sips of my cigarette
Funny how nothing
Can make me move as fast
Funny how my pain
Has changed shape now
Funny how my pain
Looks like our silhouette
Or maybe like the ashes
I dust in the astray
Or the fallen pieces
Of the far past
Funny how nothing deserves my care
Funny how I can only stare
Why ain’t the world fair
Why aren't you near
Jan 2019 · 176
Save her
hj Jan 2019
I write about her in all of my poems
Paint her with the words and pain
She’s the girl that has been hurt
Washed away by the rain
I won’t dust her story
Like she dusts her cigarette in an ashtray
I won’t let people forget her
Won’t let her story go in vain
I will keep writing about her
Even after it bores the listener
I will keep writing about the prisoner
Of her own mind
I will keep writing about her
I will keep painting her in all my poems
I will keep shedding light on her
Because her story lives forever
The girl betrayed by her lovers
I will paint her silhouette in the sky if I could
A silhouette that is scared
Nevertheless, beautiful
I will keep painting her
I will keep writing about the hero
Who lost her battle with life
I will keep writing about the girl
Who lost the gunfight with a knife
I will keep writing about her
And I’ll live to shout the words
Scream them at the top of my lungs
Jan 2019 · 261
Humming Bird
hj Jan 2019
You could see death
In her brilliant brown eyes
But in those same eyes
You could see
A glimpse of paradise

She's the humming bird
Who fell
Into the wrong nest
She's the little girl
With the weight of the world
On her little chest

She's the cries at night
And the echos of fear
She's the blurred eyesight
Because of the tears

She's the girl standing at the mirror
With teary eyes
She begs herself to hold on
She tells herself she can go on
She holds her tears back
And sings herself the same song

Hold on
Don't cry
Hold on till the moment passes
And passes you by
Hold on
Don't cry
Hold on
if they ask
Hold on
Until you die
all over the place...
Jan 2019 · 1.5k
Losing sleep
hj Jan 2019
In my dreams
I've kissed you
A couple hundred times
Melted into your embrace
And sank in your ocean eyes
In my dreams I have loved you
Like Romeo loved Juliet
Like Jack loved Rose
Like Elizabeth Loved Darcy
In my dreams
I am all yours
And you're all mine
In my dreams
We don't break apart when we fight
In my dreams
No matter how far we are
Our souls still collide
In my dreams
We had no worries
We had a happy life
In my dreams
We sipped wine and roses
watching the sun fall and rise
In my dreams
I could hold you
I could feel you
I could touch you
I could touch your soul
But lately
I've been losing sleep
I've been losing sleep
I tried taking pills
I tried counting sheep
But no matter how hard I try
They way back into love I can't find
Our love became like a puzzle missing a peice
And if I could i would burn all the puzzles I built when I was young to find a way back to you
I don't know if the fear of losing love means I love you
I don't know what's going on
Is it me
Is it you
Is it both of us
Is it the world
Or the wrong universe
What is going on with us
We were the two that the world watched in wonder
The world watches and pities our souls now
What is wrong with us
Why is this happening
And I swear if it was the universe
I would pull us into another universe
May god praise us the dandelions in love
But just like dandelions
We are delicate
And I guess the wind blew across both of us
So our pieces scattered
And I look and wonder
What has the wind wished for
My baby
May angels protect the dandelions
With there shinning wings
May we find the way to love
And if we don't
I'll always look at the picture of two dandelions blown away by the wind
And I'll smile
Because maybe that's how love begins
When the pieces scatter into a multiverse
And find you and me
Another you and me
Bless these two
May angels guard them
May they set history
For the two in love
The love that never breaks you see
And may the angels sing a sad song
For the two
Fell out of love
Jan 2019 · 271
Pain Scars and Poetry
hj Jan 2019
When u take a deep breath but don't feel the air getting into your lungs then touching your heart
When u feel the void inside your heart grow
And u start losing the rhymes and flow
When u watch your pain
Grow and grow
It looks like the stars my cousins's parents had painted on their ceiling
They glowed in the dark
We used to lie on their carpeted floor and watch them then make a wish
And pretend that we got what we wished for
There were other one's glued to my uncle's room's ceiling
I used to turn the lights off
And hold my cousins up
So they could touch the stars
It glows like them
It looks like them
Only less beautiful
Less wonder full
But equally powerful
And they're more of scars then stars

When it hurts and u don't know why
Or want to know why
U just want to draw with the silver brush
And watch the red paint dry
When u lose yourself
In the noise of life
Sounding like the busy streets of NY
When u no more know what you are writing on this paper
But hope it turns out decent
Hope that when u read it later
It makes a bit of sense
But it doesn't
Yet it does
But that is poetry
Not about the rhymes
Or the flow
But about that feeling
Of yes is makes sense
Yet it doesn't
It's about the goosebumps in the romance
The tears in the sorrow
And the tinge of hope for tomorrow
This is my first all over the place poem
Plz let me know if I need to delete it
Jan 2019 · 202
Wine Stars and Shilouhets
hj Jan 2019
Burning candle lights
Broken glasses spill wine
Thought our stars would cross paths
Turns out they form parallel lines
Thought finding you was the key
Maybe I should wait for another sign
Broke the promises we can't reset
Maybe our stars will never shine
Maybe our broken peices would scatter  
And form our shilouhets in the sky
It's been a long time since I saw in you
The beautiful creature that was once mine
You know a relationship has ended
When the happy memories
Now make you cry
Jan 2019 · 166
Unfinished Poems
hj Jan 2019
Unfinished poems
Lie on her bed
Unheard words
That she once said
Whispers of her sound
That was once too loud
Bounce around
An empty room
Only to be met
By the whispers of the tears
She once shed
Her family
Doesn't live in regret
But it's say it's her fault
Because she hid
Echos of the secrets
She once kept
Burst out to the world
Maybe they'll understand
How she felt
Friends she depended on
Think their help went in vain
Maybe they still don't understand
She was high on pain
People who called her a ****
Called her a *****
Told her she's misbehaves
Get some self control
They call from work
To ask about why she missed her shift
Her parents say that she left
She was a slave
Of her own mind
And this time they won
The monsters in her head
I hate myself
That is true
But i hate them more
Because they made me become the person
Who I hate
Jan 2019 · 240
hj Jan 2019
She was right in front of them
But they were too blind to see
She screamed too loud
But they were too deaf to hear
Sorrow was a drug
And pain was her wine
She took missing like shots
Swore that she's fine
But the nights got colder and colder
And it's not until after that dark night
In her bed
With blood dripping from her wrists
That she/s finally sober
Jan 2019 · 383
Call me Back?
hj Jan 2019
Call me back
You there babe?
I can see us
At the edge of the world
Fade into the nothingness
And the problem is
I try to convince you otherwise
Because I try to convince myself
I don't want us to fade
I know we can make it through the fire
I wear our love like protection
Maybe I wouldn't feel the burn of the flames
But maybe we lit the flames
And maybe our love will fade
But I hold on
I beg you to not let go
Every single night
But the flames still burn bright
I can't chasing after us
I'm melting into the flames
I kept trying to change the past
But then wondered if you are the change
History repeats itself my love
And I'm scared of the past babe
What are we?
What have we become?
My sunset..
Maybe our colors drained
Maybe I'm gonna go back to seeing i black and white
My little rose..
Can you hear me?
U there babe?
Jan 2019 · 221
Heart beats
hj Jan 2019
My heart is beating weirdly
It goes off-key
then it rhyms
And I'm in my hospital
Lying and thinking
If yours is singing the same chimes
Love is a tune the heart sings
Helping us through our darkest times
Heart beat after heart beat
The passion of two that collides
But sometimes I listen and wonder
If the off-key beats
are going as random as rolling dice
I wonder if they'd ever stop
If love is enough to get us through the nights
But maybe it isn't
And maybe
My love
we fault sometimes
Not necessarily the darkest sins
But maybe one of the forgiven crimes
Jan 2019 · 196
Heaven Knows
hj Jan 2019
Heaven knows
How Hard I've tried
But even if I let go
Our souls still collide
Heaven knows
You and I
Were hard to form
Needed a lot of time
But heaven Knows
My soul is tired
And even thought the rain is beautiful
A sunflower needs the sun to survive
Jan 2019 · 552
hj Jan 2019
Cigarette smoke
Fades into the sky
Her blood drips
The color of wine
Rain showering
But instead from her eyes
She wipes it away
And puts the blade to her thigh
She paints with the silver brush
The story of her life
Then the blade traces her body
And with her wrists it collides
She then drops
And her heart cries "Why?!"
She smiles and whispers to the world
If you are suffering And come across this,  if u have reached the point where you think no one cares, if ur considering  suicide. STOP plz, I care, there's a community of ppl who all care for ur beautiful soul, don't let go, listen to the part of you who wants you to live, If you need anything plz dm me.
Jan 2019 · 383
hj Jan 2019
But the curse didn't break..
Because her prince charming
Was a princess...
Jan 2019 · 232
hj Jan 2019
A lot of them
Where i did things i can't speak of
I look at my house
A place I'm supposed to call home
And i can recall them all
see them all
picture it all
In each and every corner
Another fall
Another Fight
Another something I have to hide
And they all stay inside my mind
And mess it up

In that corner by the balcony window
I told her I had feelings for her too
In that other corner there
with a phone in my hand
and pills in the other
Don't  know how i got through
the corner in my room
By the drawers where i keep my mess
I broke my skin
With a broken mirror I couldn't see my reflection in
I that corner
Through my bedroom window
I threw my past and promised myself an end oh
But I broke again
And I keep doing so
And the corners witness
What no one knows
What I hide
What I'm not allowed to speak of
How I tried
But then I dove
How I loved
How I hated
How It started
*** it faded
How I cried
How I lied
What was enough
what was tough
What killed me
What brought me back to life
What woke me up and told me to hold on
What sang me to sleep
When I couldn't go on
I wrote this months ago but thought about sharing it now
Dec 2018 · 240
hj Dec 2018
One cigarette
Two cigarettes
Three cigarettes
I don't know what i'm doing
With my life no more
See the cigarette light
Reflecting on the screen of my phone
Almost the only light I can see
When I'm far away from the shore
Yes my skin is busted
But so is my soul
And maybe if I wait a little longer
My existence should be torn
smoking is bad but the reason I smoke is worse_anonymous
We are the kids our parents warned us about when we were younger_anonymous  
Nov 2018 · 2.5k
A Beautiful Creature
hj Nov 2018
She was a beautiful creature
Outside and in
But they marked her up
By her so called sins

A beautiful creature
Voice so loud
Waiting for someone
To hear her out

A beautiful creature
Her smile shone bright
Careless of what went on inside

A beautiful creature
Voice gradually became low

A beautiful creature
She froze like stone

A beautiful creature
With no happiness to call her own

A beautiful creature
With under eye circles so dark

A beautiful creature
But her smile doesn't spark

A beautiful creature
She cut her glowing hair
And made herself a room
Under the stairs
Where her beautiful voice
Sang along with sorrow
The beautiful creature
who lost her belief in tomorrow

A beautiful creature
But they tore her down

Until the beautiful creature
Listened to sorrow's sound

A beautiful creature
They hang her photos by the stairs
To remind everyone
Of the beautiful creature she were
It is a terrible crime to slay a unicorn. Drinking the blood of a unicorn will keep you alive even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have slain something so pure that from the moment the blood touches your lips, you will have a half-life. (harry potter and the sorcerer's stone)
to anyone who as ever harmed a beautiful creature
how do u like ur half life?
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