I'm not BABE
or *******
or PRINCESS
I'm not the names you throw at me from your car window
I'm not HONEY
or SWEETIE
or LOOK AT ME WHEN IM TALKING TO YOU *****
Harassment. A 10 letter word with thousands of synonyms
each one like a knife to my skin
each one a scar I can point to and show
"this is where I stopped trusting"
and
"this is when I started running"
Never was I prepared for a life where Im told to be timid
To shrink myself down
To be humble so that men aren't threatened
To never speak my mind and to laugh at everything he says
To always carry my keys in my hand like they are a weapon
To never show my skin and that its my fault if I'm taken advantage of because "boys will be boys"
We live in a world where the female body is fetishized
Where women are seen as "liars" if they wear makeup and "lazy" when they don't
Where girls in school are being removed from class because their tank top straps aren't three fingers wide as if making sure that men are comfortable is more important than an education.
The overarching misogyny that plagues women everyday
That makes them see themselves as the "second class ***" will always be apparent
Unless we make a change.
So no
I will not SMILE
or BE NICE
I will tear
And destroy
And break
And smash
I will fight.

I remember when we first met
The Florida sun was beating onto the blacktop and my hair was plastered to my forehead but when I saw you my body turned to ice
They say love at first sight is nothing but a myth
Its for people who are shallow
But when our eyes connected, I could feel it
I fell in love with you instantly
The way your eyes were squinting against the sun and the way your hands looked soft but rough at the same time and the way you smiled like everything was going to be alright
We talked for hours each day that summer
You'd call me at 4 AM and I'd answer on the second ring because I could never keep you waiting
You would tell me about your family, how your mom isn't the same since your dad died and how she just sits on the couch most nights staring at the blank tv screen
Do you remember when you told me how you'd never say goodbye because it held too much finality, like the person was never coming back?
Love doesn't last, I know that now
Because after all those nights we spent laying in my backyard and all that talk about running away together
The last time I saw you it held some sort of finality. Maybe it was just the look in your eyes
Or maybe it was the way you said goodbye

Empty
This is what I feel when its 3 am and I'm laying in bed awake
Although my eyes are heavy from lack of sleep I cannot bring myself to close them
I want to lay in the darkness for as long as I can
I also want to scream, to break the silence that has fallen on my house like smog
But I can't bring myself to open my mouth
I'm too tired
In the mental and physical sense of the word
Too tired to speak and to scream and too tired to do anything
I used to be happy
When did I stop being this way? I don't remember anymore
When did I stop smiling? Or looking people in the eye
When did people stop caring?
About me
About how I'm feeling
But I wouldn't even know what to say if they asked
How would you describe the feeling of being empty when you still remember what it was like to be whole? To be full to the brim?
How do you portray how your chest tightens every morning when you wake up
Or how it feels like I'm drowning inches away from the surface of the water and if only I could make it those few more inches I could **** in the sweet air
How do you explain that it feels like I'm running towards the light at the end of the tunnel but the light has vanished years ago.
But I'm still running. Hoping and praying to a god I don't believe in that the light is just around the bend.
And thats all I've got left
Like Pandora, I've let out all the monsters and plauges and evil but I've kept hope close.

when asked your favorite color how do you respond?
"blue! like the ocean"
"yellow! like the sun"
"silver! like the stars"
pink, like the color of your lips and the blush that creeps across your cheeks.
green, like the specks that dot your eyes
red, for the night we kissed in your car, hands intertwined and fingers at our throats.
gray, your favorite shirt.
black, the ink that stretches across your skin, Ive traced these tracks a million times and still get lost
those are the colors I wanted to say.
"I don't know, purple?"

Sometimes I surprise myself.
I'm the type to never show anyone my emotions.
Its like poker- you don't show the hand you've been dealt or you lose everything.
But sometimes I'll slip up
With you I laid all my cards on the table and gave you a peak.
You took a sledgehammer to the wall of stone surrounding me
Mortar and dust crumbling down
I thought you'd keep me afloat in all of this and you did for a while
But suddenly you left
And I no longer had a wall to lean on
And I felt like I was falling.
Each day was like 1 step forward but then I'd see the sun and it'd remind me of those lazy Sunday mornings we spent on your grandmother's porch
I'd remember the way your lips tasted like lemonade and how when you'd step into the light your freckles would show
"angel kisses" your grandmother called them
And I was so sure she was right
Because if anyone was worthy of an angels kiss it would be you.
And then I'd be 100 steps back.
I spent most of my days that summer lying in bed
With my phone two rooms away so I wouldn't be tempted to call but wishing you would so I could say I was the stronger one. That I wasn't the desperate one. But god was I desperate.
To hear your voice
To trace my fingertips over your arms
To see your eyes crinkle when you laughed.
I was so ******* desperate
But then slowly
I'd spend less of my time wondering about you
and your friends
and the girl you promised me was "nothing to worry about" but I should've known.
I was able to stand again
To keep myself up.
It took me months to heal when I never imagined I could
Sometimes I surprise myself.

someone sprayed cologne today in class and it smelled like you 
it brought back all those memories of that abandoned house two streets over where you stole my first kiss
and my second 
and my third
I felt nothing while your lips moved against mine 
not a spark or a flare 
all I felt was the rain sliding off my eyelashes and wind whipping my hair across my forehead 
But you were everywhere 
Your hands traveled down my back and across my arms and face and neck 
To be frank the kiss wasn't the best 
It was wet and rushed and mixed with the nervous beating of my heart 
And no I didn't like you 
No I never wanted to be your girlfriend 
I heard all those stories about you and your ways 
I just liked the feeling of being wanted and adored 
And how you kept my hands warm 
And yes I know that makes me a bad person 
But so are you 
But I know how to change 
I can't say the same for you

Everything that happens to me feels distant now.Like I'm having an out of body experience Where I'm standing 20 feet away from myself and no matter how hard I run the distance stays the same. I am emotionless. Cold. A palette of blacks and greys. Nothing feels the same. I remember the night you told me she was dying. I remember the way my heart stopped beating. How it hasn't beat since. Everyday is a game of Russian roulette but instead of the gun aimed at an opponent its aimed at me.
Click.
You know that saying
Click.
That you never realize what you have
Click.  
Until its gone
Click.
I've finally figured it out
Bang.

My throat is closing in and I can feel you on my skin and its like you never left me here to rot 
The wind feels like your breath on my cheek and it carries with it your voice softly calling out my name and its ringing in my ears 
And I'm sure 5 years in the future I'll remember you fondly. the way you spoke and how your nails felt clawing down my back 
I won't remember how my hands shook when you told me about her or how I cried so hard the night you came by to get the last of your things that i wasnt sure if id ever be able to cry again (i havent) or how you looked at me with pity, like I was nothing more to you than your plaything you got bored with after 16 months 
I'll remember those days we spent curled up on your twin sized bed 
Hudled together so we wouldn't fall off 
How you looked when you slept so peacefully, your chest slowly moving 
How after we'd kiss, your eyes would look like stars. Or when you told me you loved me for the first time 
Does she capture the stars in her own two hands and put them in your eyes like I did? Because I could slowly see them dwindle, their lights getting dimmer. Your eyes stopped shining. Is that what you were looking for? Did you find it in her? 
I wish I couldve been enough

Heaven and Hell.
Two sides of the same coin.
God, up in his crystal tower,
on his lofty thrown,
flips it.
Heads it's Heaven
Tails it's Hell
Everything you've ever done leads right to this moment.
Was it worth it?

I am alone.
alone
a l o n e
1 word, 2 syllables, 5 letters
a word so small that carries so much weight.
did I ever tell you how scared I am of being left alone with myself?

I saw you today.
our eyes finding each other before we even knew what was happening.
just like old times.
a thousand words were sitting in the back of my throat,
clamoring to claw their way out.

how are you?
how was your day?
how could you?

what was I to you?

it wasnt until you turned your back that I saw her.
your fingers intertwined.
you look at her differently than the way you looked at me.
and thats when I got my answer.

when you dream,
is it of me?
when it is quiet,
do you still hear it?
if you had listened
all those times before,  
to my hearts steady rhythm,
each thump calling your name.
It used to beat for you,
the sound loud in my ears.
so loud I knew you heard.
but you never answered.
She is quiet now.
sitting still in her home she has made inside my ribs.
Waiting for the answer I know she'll never get.

happy.
I am happy.
and that's all I ever wanted to be.

in my minds eye I can perfectly picture the curve of your hip.
how it moves under my hands.
i can hear the way you laugh when my fingertips tap across your spine, your ribs dancing underneath the skin.
your intake of breath as my lips brush your collarbone.
in my minds eye I can see your beauty,
breathtaking in all its glory.
and yet you don't understand
that you hold the sun in your eyes
and lightning shoots from your fingertips.
you are a walking manifestation of heaven on earth
i hear it in your laugh
i taste it on your skin
i feel it in the way our hearts beat steady,
in sync as one.
my beautiful miracle

reality feels like a dream.
everything has taken on a haze,
the edges fuzzy and soft.  
melting skies and dripping clouds,
the sun painting the world in shades of gold
moonlight passes like water through my fingers, dancing along the trees.
down to you, my darling.
swirling a halo around your head.
you don't need the sun to shine,
you create your own warmth.
I bask in it, welcome it, long to be near you again.
just so I may be warm too.
are you real,
or just a dream?

you run through my mind quite frequently.
I'm sorry, I just can't stop myself.
I've been biting my tongue quite often.
I'm sorry I know I've been holding back.
There's just a few words I've been saying to you in my head for a little while now.
I'm sorry I just don't know how to tell you.

your skin is warm under my hands,
goosebumps rising under my finger tips.
we have made a castle out of our blankets,
just for the two of us.
our bodies entertwined,
like vines grasping at the sun.
our voices only a whisper,
their words a secret only we know.
I wish we could be this way
Forever.

floating.
body on autopilot.
brain full of static,
chest full of butterflies.

I'm dreaming of us.
driving in your car,
windows open.
it's early
and I can smell the ocean,
feel its breeze as we coast through the trees.
the tips of your fingers tap along the wheel to the beat of the waves.
back and forth.
a symphony of sound.
your eyes find mine and they're sparkling.
it's at this point I know I'm done for.
I don't know how you did it,
but I'm yours.