I have forgotten the greatest idea
the most powerful words
the most cherished memory.

I curse my brain for allowing me to lose them,
to let the images slowly fade away.

I curse it for taking away
what I loved and treasured
for so long.

And yet
isn’t it the same thing
that gave me those memories
created those words
formed those ideas?

Isn’t the very thing I’m cursing
what I should be treasuring
the most?

My life is like an iPad, once so full of energy and light.
Once so quick to learn, to play, to grow.

And then –
Broken.
Cracked.
Unfixable.

The light flickers out.
Abandoned.
Forgotten.
Worthless.
Replaced.

Because
Why would anyone see something in it?
Why would anyone try to mend the unmendable?

Right?

The silence is loud, pressing against tired ears.
Words waver and hesitate, caught between bated breaths.
I feel the glassy surface between us growing and reach out a hand
But just like the sounds, it slips away.

I never meant for it to go this far
That's what I said.
I never thought that I would fall
That's what I claimed.
And yet…

Anonymous means
that anything can be said
without consequence.

I'll always be there to cheer you up
even if the only way I can do that
is by bringing myself down.

The shadows creep into the corners of my vision
Cave in and surround me
as I let out a silent scream,
a final plea for the help I know I will never receive.
I bury myself in blankets,
lose myself in words,
dull my mind with glowing screens.
And yet, the darkness still draws near.

As my puffy eyes fall closed for the first time
in so, so long...
My mind slows and calms, the barriers falling
the guards leaving at the end of their shift
before the horrors arrive.

It's not long before I can feel the snake
slithering into my slightly parted lips
And sliding down my throat.
Red-rimmed eyes shoot open
and my gaping mouth chokes for air
as it smirks, eyes glittering with pleasure.
The monsters twist around my gut
nibble at my heart
lick their lips with delight
and eye their new victim's soul with desire.

They gently caress my stomach with their claws
leaving red gashes oozing with blood.
And just as I think I've found relief
in your worried blue eyes,
the puppeteers twist my face into a smile.
I feel myself nod and say, "Yes, I'm all good"
as I beg for somebody to hear me,
to stop this pain.

I'm answered with the infiltrators,
now massacring my happy thoughts
and filling my brain with fears.

"Useless"
"Failure"
"They never liked you anyway"
"They wish you were dead"
"Just leave already"
"Leave"
"Leave"
"Leave"

A chant,
a mantra
buzzing at the back of my mind
like a song on replay
always on the radio, no matter
how many times you switch the station.

Thoughts are spiralling
Kicking up the dirt
covering the casket
already set in the ground for me.

And on the tombstone,
"Death by a merciless enemy --
anxiety."