I wish I had wings
Beautiful like the songs angels sings
White like the snow winter brings

They would make me fly
My wings would take me so high
I would become one with the sky

I would see the word
It would be just as beautiful as I had heard
On the trees there would be birds

My angel wings would make me smile
Even if just for a while
All my feelings would be put to the side

I would no longer have to hide

You make me see
That I am only what I let myself be
What I let you see is only parts of me

You are the one nobody can feel
I am the one who is never real just more or less concealed
In this life we would be too unreal

You keep me awake
Even though I have never seen the way your head will shake
When you to tell me that I'm wrong...
Yet this is the place I feel like I belong

2.36 am
You keep my thoughts spinning around in my head
In the place where I lie
It's here
alone
In my bed

Music is still on in the backround
But my thoughts shut it out and turns it into something distant
I wish that...

I see fire by Ed Sheeran
Keep the music playing
I want to know
I need to know what other people are saying

2.40 am
Stop it
We can't ever be we
Drop it
Us can never be something we could see
**** it
There wont be a You And Me

2.47 am
Stop the music
Let me sleep
Stop the thoughts
Let me dream

I would never confess that I cry
I would never confess that I want love
I would never confess that I'm... Nothing

I'm too scared of tears  
I'm too scared of people
I'm too scared of being forgotten

Feeling hot streams of salty water flow down my cheeks
Feeling someone disappearing right infront of me
Feeling empy, alone, scared

I'm too scared of tears so I keep them in
No matter what I would never let anyone see me cry
I would never show myself being weak

I'm too scared of letting someone into my life
They would  leave and I would be left with nothing
I would never let myself give away a part of me

I'm too scared of letting people see the real me
So I fake... I fake happiness, smiles, laughter
I would never let myself be me

Aren't we all just liars?

Your eyes are blank
Your voice screams desperation even though you think
You're acting calm

Your whole life is falling apart
You have no home
No money

All that is left is your own ****** up brain
Your friends that are just as lost as you
If you don't run now it will be too late

As I try to look into your brown eyes
Filled with pain
You do everything to not look at me

I want to help you
You are a good guy and you deserve so much more than this
Please promise me that you will try

Make your eyes look full of hope
Your voice sweet with love
Make your heart calm

Don't waste your life
It is too precious

Taking that first magical step out of the plane. The heat strikes you, the humidity is overwhelming.
Taking a seat in the first taxi. The prettiest of palm trees, magnificent skyscrapers trying to reach over the clouds.
Smoking the first cigarette, drinking the first drink.
New people, old people, bars, laughter, beaches, tattoos, sunshine.

Taking that first dreadful step out of the plane.
The cold punches you, the dry air takes your breath away.
Taking a seat in the old familiar car. Cold grey snow trying to stay on the highway.
Smoking only half a cigarette, it's better to be inside.
Old people, old news, grey skies, still the tattoos but lack of sunshine.

Snap out of it. Back to reality.
Bring me back soon.

I avoid the nights because I''m scared of the darksness
I escape from sleep because I don't know if I'll wake up
I stay up all night because I'm scared of the morning
I'm scared of the night
I'm scared of the dawn
I'm scared of every second of every day

If I sleep it only makes it worse
What if I dream?
I can't control my dreams
Maybe you would be in them
What if you're not in them?

I'm scared
That's why I stay up
At least then I have my eyes to search
And maybe I'll find the monster
Before it finds me

There is always a shadow of sadness behind your back
It follows you where ever you go
Never lets you walk alone
My soul craves the darkness within you
It Cuts me open
Your darkness allow me to feel alive
My soul welcomes all of your demons
Your demons crawl to find the darkest corners of my body
My soul welcomes you to destroy me

You grew up so fast little angel
You used to be so small, with your blue eyes and annoying laugh
And now the fights have turned into something else

We both grew up
But you with your curly golden hair that looks so funny when it gets too long
aways puts a smile on my face
You grew up faster than I did

Promise that you wont leave me
Even though I get mad at you sometimes
Because I would never leave you

My little angel
I would walk through the ends of the earth for you
I know you would do the same for me
You grew up my little angel

You turned into something so beautiful
Something that would make anyone proud
Listen carefully now because little angel
That is what I am
I am proud of you
I hope you know that

Even though we hate each other sometimes
I will always be your sister
And you will always be my brother
I will always love you

I dont want to apologise, not to anyone.
About anything.
I just want to tell myself that I'm sorry.
And will always be sorry.
For all the pain, the unbearable pain I've forced myself to go through.
For all those sleepless nights, filled with unbelievable thoughts.
For all those voices I let myself listen to, those lies I myself created.
For all those moments of missing out, because of truths that I decided was real.
I want to tell myself that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I've been so mean to my body. To my face.
Telling it how much I hated it.
While during this whole time, my own face. My own body. Was the thing moving me forward. Getting me through. Getting me out.
I'm sorry that I have been so hateful against myself for no real reason.
I'm sorry.
I hope that someday I will be able to forgive myself for that.
That is my only apology.

From time to time
You forget the world around you
All you feel is nothing
your mind is empty
Your heart is calm
Nothing matters
You feel hypnotised
The river you just created
That lets the red anxiety flow
That leaves you with a feeling
Of numbness
The river is getting deeper
You are getting calmer
You do it over and over
Even though you know
It will be even worse very very soon
You still have now
You still have this
For once you feel ok
And you wonder
Maybe it's ok
To create your own waterfall

They haunt me when I'm asleep
They don't leave me alone when I'm awake
Tonight I will be stronger than the demons
They wait for me to fall into their land
Where they make me Believe anything they say
Sleep is overrated
Nightmares are underrated
Just a couple of hours until the battle is won
I will not let you take over tonight
Tonight the demons will have to dance alone
I will see the moon until it stops shining
And I will hear them Calling my name
Asking me to dance the dance of Death
Tonight my  demons will have to dance alone

.

The lines on my body
Creating a pattern that is my own
The lines on my body
That runs from my shoulders to my toes
The lines on my body
That I hate with all of my heart
But still will miss when they go away
The lines on my body
Created late at night when no one is awake but me and the stars
The lines on my body
Are slowly suffocating me

Scared
So scared that I do not know if I should run
Or if I should be still

Will my body even listed if I try to move
Will my pounding heart pump enough blood
For me to be able to escape


Scared
So scared that I feel like this is the night
I will be dying

Will my body take me through this fear
Will it listen and hear what I hear
Is this what will **** me

Scared
So scared that the only thing I wanna do
Is to find you
Be with you
See you
Feel you
Have your arms around me

But tonight I dont have you
Tonight I am alone
Tonight I am scared

Red lips
High heels
Nice dress
Painted nails
Curly hair
Make up

Every inch of her was made to impress
Every step she took was made to make him lose his breath

All she ever wanted was for him
To walk past her
Stop
And
Turn
Around

She looked for him in every street corner
She looked for him in every store
She looked for him in every train station
She looked for him in every dream she ever had

But he just wasn't made for her

Whenever I think I've forgotten you
I get nightmares
It might sound sad
But nightmares makes me think of you
You would make me feel safe
After waking up being so scared
That I wouldn't know what to do
You would comfort me
Always

Whenever I feel like I'm over you
A nightmare visits me
Reminding me of the fact that nothing
In this world will make me forget you
Not completely
So when she shows up in my dreams
The only thing I can think about
Is how I don't dare to move
Or open my eyes
Or breath
I can only think of you
And try to fall back to sleep again

You didn't cut my skin
I did
You didn't tell me that I'm fat
I did
You didn't tell me to give even if I have nothing
I did
You didn't tell me that I'm weak
I did
You didn't keep me from getting close to you
I did
You didn't ask me to smile even if I'm empty
I did
You didn't say it'd be good idea to **** myself
I did
You didn't  tell me that I'm worthless
I did
You didn't say that you don't love me
I did

So darling don't worry
Not now, not ever
Because if I can promise you one thing
It's this

You didn't break me
I broke myself

With the glass of champagne
Still in your hand
You tell me that you're not afraid
Of death
Of dying
You ask me if I'm afraid
I sip the champagne
Death is something
I don't allow myself to think about
Finally I answer
No
No I'm not afraid of death
It's weird I haven't thought about it
Not before you
You look at me
Still holding the glass of champagne
You look good
You have some sort of magical eyes
Eyes that I'm not afraid to look into
You say
Most of us who have been feeling
Like we have been feeling
Are not afraid of death
Because somehow
We have already
Experienced it

Never have I heard someone
With a glass of champagne in their hand
Say something that intelligent
Something that life changing
I sip the champagne
And I smile

On the starry night
Is when they all crawl out
I thought I could do this

I have to confess it to you
I am weak
I thought I would be stronger
But I can't hold it in any longer

I want to keeo it in
If i do it will be I who win
But I feel how they start to crawl out
Trying to shout
And then there it is
The one feeling I don't miss

I turn blind
My eyes fill up
And there goes the first one
I thought I would be stronger
But I can't hold it in any longer

I'm sorry
I whisper to myself
While they crawl out
And I don't even try to fight

If you keep your eyes half open half closed
Streetlights will look like stars
You will feel like you're in a different universe
The dark sky will make you believe
In magic

Go on a bus late at night
With music in your headphones
And let yourself disappear in the world
Of your own thoughts
And the beauty of the stars

You will feel weightless
You will feel nothing but love
You will feel ok

Your lips on my lips
Your arms around me
My hand on your back

I told you it was a bad idea
Us two laying there at the sea
With the sound of waves
In the back of my mind
All I wanted was to find
Someone who wouldn't wanna make me hide

I'm blinded

Happiness
Sunshine
Waves
*****
Cider
Words
Smiles
Me
You
''Love''

It all blinds me
I told you it was a bad idea
But you were to drunk to see
I told you
You wont remember any of this
You responde with a kiss

Summer is something I will miss

It's 4:26 am
I still haven't got any sleep
I don't want to go to bed without you
I don't want to live without you
I don't want to be without you

It's 4:27 am
I still haven't got any sleep
Without you sleep feels pointless
To be honest
Without you life feels pointless

It's 4:29
I still haven't got any sleep
But it doesn't matter
I wont see you just because I go to sleep
So why not just stay up and watch the sunrise

If I can't see you
That will at least give me something else thats
Beautiful
Just like you

It's 4:31
I still haven't got any sleep
I'm fine with that
I have the rest of my life to sleep if I want to

The eyes of a broken girl
So blank with no sign of life
So blue but slowly fading to grey

The eyes of a broken girl
Filled with something that could be mistaken for tears
Filled with nothing but water

The eyes of a broken girl
Staring blankly in the mirror
Staring back at something that used to be whole

The eyes of a broken girl
Life took her spark away
Life made her weak

The eyes of a broken girl
Used to be so powerful
Used to be alive

The eyes of a broken girl
Will no longer see the light of day
Will no longer feel any pain

How do you tell someone what you have done to yourself?
How do you tell that to someone you actually really like?
How do you tell someone that you are still in the process of getting out of it?
How do you tell someone that you've hurt yourself and have scary scars all over your body?
How do you explain those marks on your body and still pray that the person will stay?
How do you tell someone about that without being afraid that they might laugh at you for being a failure?
How do you tell someone about your past?

The way you looked at me
You gave me one of those smiles
Your smile always melts my heart
You make me weak
But at the same time you make me strong
You force me to give up
You force me to break down

But thanks to you
I have learned to always
Get up
Because once you have lost something
It wont come back
So why lay down on the ground
When you could
Stand up
Look around
And find that the world is still there
And you are still in it
You made me understand that
So now
I will stand up
And nobody will ever make me fall down again
Thank you
For breaking me down

What I write is not poems
It's not fancy words that I can't spell
It's not sentences that will matter

I can't write poems
I write when I have to
I'm not trying to make it perfect
It's just
Me pouring bits of my heart out
It's me sharing my weakness
It's me showing my true feelings

It's not poems
It's me being honest
I write when I'm sad
I write when I'm drunk
I write when I feel the words flow
I write when I'm inspired
I write when I feel no hope
I write when I'm angry
I write but it's not poems

So maybe I'm a waste of space
But I like being here
I like reading what others go through
I like sharing what I go through
Sometimes it's good things
But most of the time it's things
I'm too scared to say but brave enough to write down for people to read

It's not poems
It's just me

Sometimes I just wonder how my death will be
I have been understanding that the person responsible
For it is probably me

I don't thing I will live long enough to get
Terrible cancer
Or a stroke

I think when I die people will find me on the floor
With a million sleepingpills in my body
A note in one hand that says

I'm sorry, I know I'm weak
And then a poem called
Don't stand on my grave and weep

I think that is how my life will end
But not quite yet
I need to see if I'm strong enough to get through this

And I will try
I will try so hard
But if I fail this

You'll know where to find me

04.35 am
Bon Iver  is playing quietly
For Emma  is set on repeat
I'm hiding under the covers
Music is my sleeping pill
Tonight my mouth refuse to swallow it
So awake I lay
With the drapes drawn
Hoping to finally get some rest
Bon Iver is playing:
'For all you're lies,
You're still very loveable.'
While I pretend that
For Emma is my song
04.53 am

02.44
I haven't been sleeping much lately
I used to be the queen of sleeping
But someone took over the throne
Now I'm left praying
To the gods
To the Kings
To the queens
Let me sleep
So that when I do
I can pretend to be dead
Because that is my salvation

Having freshly washed bed sheets
My bed feels so much larger
I feel so much smaller
I feel too far
Away
from
You

***** doesn't make me sick
You do

The holographic fairy dust bubble
that used to be us
Has exploded into
Regular dust
Grey and *****
Unwanted

I love you more than you
Could ever imagine
More than you
Could ever understand
but your love for me is no more
I am
Unwanted

I want to write, I want my words to flow
Like a raging waterfall in the beginning of spring
I want my words to scream as loud as I do in my head

But I have nothing
No words to put on a paper
No words to be said
No sentences to be formed

I only have this
Me, my brain and the complete chaos inside
I want to write
But I have nothing I would understand
Just a bunch of words flying around in my head
I want to throw all of my feelings on a paper
I want to create something

I don't care if I get crushed
I don't care if no one understands
I don't care if I don't understand
There is too much
It is everywhere

I feel...
Inspired
Happy
Angry
Stressed
Depressed
Hypnotized
Excite­d
Sad
Greatful
Exhausted
Independent
Alone
Proud

Infinite.

Yet I can't seem to write anything
And that is all I want

What do you want me to do?
I can't just give all of me to you

What do you want me to feel?
I don't know if any of this is  real

What do you want me to see?
I don't know where we are supposed to be

What do you want me to say?
I don't think it matters anyway

What do you want me to hear?
I don't trust you please don't come near

But what if I really die this time?
What if they can't help me?
Save my broken soul?
Maybe it past fixing?
Maybe this is it?

Watching the sunset
The way it paints the sky
Orange. Pink. Purple.
Waves crash into the rocks
Creating the most peaceful
Melody my ears has ever heard
A cigarette between my lips
Breathing in
Close my eyes
Let the air out of my lungs
Watch the white bird
Fly across the sky
Leaves me of a feeling of
Complete Freedom

Blue vains with warm red blood
Pulsing.
Pulsing.
   Pulsing.

The porcelain skin...
When he holds himself up using the railing
Oh my...
The vains looks like they will pop out any second
His hands hypnotize me
I can't stop staring
It's the most  beautiful thing I've ever seen
I imagine his hands being the coldest on this earth
I imagine the warmth of his hands being like nothing else

His face was...

How could I know?
I didn't see it
I just saw his hands

I fell in love with someone today
No
I fell in love with someones hands today

I feel the fire in my Eyes
I turn my head away trying to Breathe
Breathe in. Breathe out.
A tear falls down
Once again I lost the battle
A second later I feel your arms around me
You look at me
I turn away
Still feeling the fire burning in my Eyes
''It's ok''
The only two Words that slip out
''It's ok''
The wind is our friend
The water is our enemy
''It's ok''
You don't let go of me
your warmth spreads from your heart to my heart
''It's ok''
That is the only thing I need to hear
That is the only thing you say
''It's ok''
I almost start to Believe it.

Maybe if I lose some weight
Maybe if I put on more make up
Maybe if I buy nicer clothes
Maybe if I get another hair color
Maybe if I do something about my face
Maybe if I just try a little bit harder

I wouldn't be so ugly
I wouldn't disgust you

And maybe just maybe I could be the girl someone
Would look at and think
I wish my girl looked like that

And maybe you would fall for me
Just as hard as I fell for you
Maybe just maybe
I would get my brown eyed Prince Charming

But to be honest
I don't think there is anything I could do
To make you want me the way I want you

I'm hopeless

With her beautiful light brown hair
Stunning face
Ice blue eyes
Amazing body

The girl everyone wants to be
She who still doesn't believe in herself
Even though she is

Amazing
Creative
Smart
Funny
Positive
Weird
Sweet
Gorgeous

She still doubts herself
Isn't that weird?
The most beautiful ******* earth
Doesn't understand that she makes angels jealous
Isn't that sad?

Your beautiful dark eyes
Makes me smile

Your beautiful lips
Makes me wanna kiss you

Your beautiful voice
Makes me wanna listen to you all day

Your beautiful strong arms
Makes me feel safe

You are beautiful
And that is why it never will be

You and I

To see what's right
You have to find out what's
Wrong

To see the truth
You have to face a million
Lies

To find your voice
You have to embrace the
Silence

To be happy
You have to get through the stream of
Tears

To be loved
You have to love
Yourself

I haven't seen you
I haven't talked to you
In what feels like forever

I have missed your smile
I have missed the way you talk
I love to see the funny way you walk
I have missed someone who understands everything
Without having to know anything

It feels like forever
And now you're sleeping in my new bed
I don't sleep next to you of course
Because you know I hate sharing bed

I probably will sound like a creep
But you look so pretty when you sleep
My dear friend I have missed you so
And it's only been a week