I drink my morning coffee,
gulp after gulp,
searching for sanity
in the bottom of the cup

When you set the bird free,
how did she know where to go?

was she waiting for this moment?
counting seconds patiently near the cage door?

was she longing for someplace?
for someone else?

I saw the bird you set free
know exactly where to go

So confidently,
she flew across the balcony
and headed east

And I wondered
if you ever set me free,
would I know where to go?

When hope hurts,
and dreams only breed nightmares

Remember,
you are not
the sum of your mistakes,
nor the divisions
of your failures

Fallen arches
sound so poetic,
but they only mean
flat feet

I took my flat feet
to a battlefield
We watched
the people cheer
for the pain of others
Faked their way
Through syllables and
Eye wrinkles

They call them crow's feet
Too good a name for them
I call them
Cat scratch disease

I took my flat feet to a battlefield
they dug their way into the cement

my fallen arches
found a ground to stand on
they fell
So I won't
Fall

An empty house
on a cloudy afternoon

If I had known
I would've packed my bags
And escaped this harsh reality

Surround myself with people
Drown all the muted silence

Dripping drops
In my kitchen sink
Wasting water
As I'm wasting ink

My therapist
Told me to write

So many times I've craddled a journal and caressed a pen
Only to find myself falling asleep
With the ink flowing on my skin
Like its trying to write something

I once woke up to an ink stain on my couch
Finally some color in this boring pastel house

An empty house
Isn't an empty home

Sometimes I forget

I wallowed in the mud for too long
now I'm knees deep in quicksand

"lie on your back," they say
I've been lying here for ages

whatever I do feels like unlocking
only one of endless cages

sometimes I wonder
if everyone struggles the same
or did I put myself in the cages?
am I the one to blame?

infinity minus one?
is infinity just the same

Either ends of a tunnel
Look like light

I'm tired of running
after love

he's a marathon runner
and I'm a short woman
with flat feet

my back
is shaped like the curvature
of his smile
and my breathing is heavy

his back is as straight as the arrow
that pierced straight through heart

I have cuts in my thighs
one for every time he didn't
look me in the eye

sometimes I forget
why I'm running

I think love is supposed to feel like rain

and with him
it feels like a silhouette
in a dry desert

Staring at the ceiling
wondering how fast
it got so wrong

Felt like speeding
on an empty highway
only to crash
into nothingness

And I wonder
how fast
It got so wrong

Out of
The blue
Thin air

Were there any signals?
Besides my beating heart?
Any signs?
Other than my shaking limbs?
Any symptoms,
Apart from my heavy breathing?

Remember the time,
you stood beside me
watching the milky orange sunset?

"Waves are warnings," you said

And what, may I ask, were our waves?

The lonely afternoons?
Or the empty glances?
Were they the motionless emotions?
Or the spitting of unsaid words?

"Waves are warnings,"
But viewers see them as natural blessings

And who's to say warnings are not?

Click click
Light that cigarette
Take your mind off the woman
Who took your heart away

The first time you saw her
She felt like sunshine on a rainy day
But everytime you were close enough to touch her
She would fade between the clouds

And everytime you were close enough to hear her
She would forget what she was saying

Blame not the ones
Who haven't learned how to love
All their lives
They have lived in a shell

Try to remove her
Without breaking her shell

Twirling in the living room
Of my childhood house
Fast.. faster

Suddenly I stop

But the Earth
never stopped rotating

I left my wrist watch
At home today

I don't need to be reminded
By the passage of time

My bones are osteoportic
And so are the walls of my life

Its only a matter of time
Before they start breaking

And I really
Really
Need a break

I gave up
On trying to fix
What has been long broken

Shattered pieces scattered all around
And why would I
Be picking all the sharp edges?

The way you express love
is destructive
but I don't think anyone taught you
otherwise

And no one taught me
how to live in ruins

Take what you find pleasing,
your happiness is mine

Break me into pieces
and keep me in your fist

- He pulls my wrist
like a parent does a child
And I wonder
"Mother, what have I done wrong?"

I found a bike without wheels in his basement
I'll pedal till I'm courageous enough to run -

Our latest conversations are sounding a lot like goodbyes
I don't know
if you
have noticed

Our ancestors' DNA
altered our own

I bet
My ancestors
were runners

Maybe they
ran from lions
ran from fire,
ran from fear

Sometimes
I have the urge to run
I would be sitting in class
And it would suddenly hit


My fears are indescribable,
Unspecified

I run
from conformity
from reality
I run towards habit,
I run back home

Reverting
to my old ways

Falling
in the same hole,
black hole

I run
because I don't know
how else
to silence my brain

It yells so loudly sometimes
Sends impulses
Stronger than lightening
And my muscles shiver

I can't stand still
whilst self destructing

I need to know
That I've tried

I have tried
To fix myself
In the only ways
I know would work

Even if they are
The same ways
That ruin me

My mother
loves remembering dates

She counts how old I am
in days and tells me
that she loves me

In moments like this
regression feels like
the only way out

As a new child is born
an older sibling
will start wetting the bed again
Trying... hoping.. to go back


He left me
On February 17th

When people ask
how many years its been
I'd like to answer them in seconds

Sometimes
I write February 17th on November
I don't do it on purpose

I really...
don't think
I've lived
A second without you

Repeating
the same mistakes.

Everyday
feels I'm speeding
on a roundabout

Physics might disagree,
but I think if I speed enough,
I can crash into my past self;
stop her from ever starting
this vicious cycle.

I wonder
why it all started

what made me ride a ferris wheel
when I was afraid of heights?

was it the idea
of a view?
missing out on something I never knew?

The first time,
height was just a dimension
I felt limitless;
I discovered a new invention.

The view wasn't green grass,
or blue skies
it was a dark beard
and blue eyes

I thought to myself
"I never want this to stop"
so I got into my car
and tied my hands
to the wheel

he sat in the passenger's seat,
smirking at my addiction.
I thought his smiling,
was a happiness depiction.

with time
it started feeling consuming,
the fear of crashing;

I wasn't afraid of dying,
I was afraid of killing
the only person
who made me feel alive

.
.
.

Today,
I'm in a speeding car
driving in circles

In the passenger's seat,
is a bag of *****
and he's nowhere to be seen

I am still not afraid of dying,
but I choose to live

Light layers
of insecurities
to a core
of susceptibility

Color me
see through
but dress me
in colors

I have not learned
how to explain
this kind of pain

Nothing hurts
but everything
feels like its
about to implode

So many times
I've slept
with the words
still inside me

I thought I was
letting go

Now
I wake up
with reflux,
burning like shame

I was too unwilling
to ask for forgiveness
so I slept
with my mistakes

Feels
like a volcano
on the verge
of eruption

Sadness
fills the gaps
of your teeth
as you smile

Mixtures
of epiphanies

And the scariest of all
is extreme loneliness,

The fact that you will
live through everyone
leaving you

Emptiness
feels a lot
like acceptance

Expectations
May be the root
of all heartache

And heartache, to me
Always felt like heartburn
My body screaming words
I never said

Lose yourself
To a sea of weakness
But be sure
No one
Is swimming

Rid yourself of the things
you think you need

Throw letters
that once meant everything

Severed ties
Could only go weaker

Time spent in company
Should never feel
Like sacrifice

trying
feels a lot
like stuttering,
and I'd rather
not speak

He held my hand,
then cuffed it to the ocean
I knew
I could move my hand
but I never learned
how to swim

let the flames of tragedy
redefine you

Paralyzed
as life
Unravels

Realizations
Fit
Like pieces
In a puzzle

Surprise
No longer comes
With disappointment

He felt like a cloudy night in the desert,

Nowhere I went felt right

Carve the cement
with your brittle nails

home is the indents
in your skin,
and the creases
around your eyes
It's the curvature
of your skull
and the veins
in your feet

You keep searching
for a heartbeat
in the crowd,
hoping you'll some day
call it home

But dear,
I remind you
of what I often
have to
remind myself


Home is where your heart is

Woke up
Ate breakfast
Brushed my teeth
And put on makeup

Today
Is not the day
I stay in bed

But I am not strong
Enough
Against
The flow of my tears

I pat my mascara-tears
Under my eyes
And cover my red nose
With a ton of powder

Why do I try so hard
To distract
Myself
Of the undeniable truth
Of extreme sadness

Maybe I should take a makeup wipe
Remove all my makeup
And weep till early dawn

I am tired
Of fighting
And faking
What I know
Is the truth

Held my hand
In the midst
Of chaos
And recited
His confessions
Of loneliness

I never understood
The reason
Behind his tremor
I bet
His body
Was trying
To escape

Step
Into
The
Ocean

Of deep
Overpowering
Gratefulness

Today
You did not
Lose the battle
To shallow water

The high notes
in your voice,
as you cry
during goodbyes

Those shrieks,
so muffled,
like prayers
of the opressed

Your grip
loses its tone
with age

But sometimes
you mustn't
let go

But compromise, felt a lot like human sacrifice
I lost myself
To be with you

I swear there are nights I cannot sleep
I toss and turn and think deep
I cry and I cry and I weep
And I wonder...
if if one drop of tears
is yours,
in this heap

Spinning wheel,
take my home
my odds
are testing my patience

Come what shall,
I am ready

You taught me how to love

I'd like to think
wind can still enter
after I've closed the windows

I caressed the edges
of the knives in my back

Memorized every *****
in my thorns

Reviewed my way
around my scars

And recited
the ugly words

I made peace
with the past
and whispered
what I needed to say

It consumes me no more

I grew thick skin
It can no longer chew
My meat became bitter
Like coffee brewed


I've decided to become inconsumable

It fills your ears

I thought it was for motivation

but now I know,
it's to cover the sighs

and subtle cries.

The pounding hearts,

and accidental treadmill farts

Sweat drips,

and constant water sips.

Yeah it's for motivation.

But what if the sounds we're supposed to hate,

motivate.

Grey rainbows
Empty shells
Weakness in abundance
Burning smiles
Unfocused lenses
Weakness
Forgiveness
Depth of salt
Swim or float?

Go where the people aren't
and clench your jaw

Every breath feels like fire
in your lungs
And every tear
feels like ice

Worry not

Life has a way
of preparing you
for what is
yet to come

And you'll miss
The bliss
While waiting
For the other shoe to drop

Dear soft autumn breeze,
you carry those leaves so gracefully
one by one into the sweet unknown

But I'm the tree
not ready to let go,
I'm afraid my green
is turning yellow

One sad day
my branches
will be empty,
and my color
will be plain

A mere request
might keep you
away

But leaves are called leaves
Because they leave
Don't they?

I made peace
with the pain
And reminisced
what is yet to end

in love,
I was never
afraid of falling

I was only afraid
of the moment
when my body
hits the ground

the best way
to describe you

is like an itch
I can't locate

and I'll scratch
my skin off
before I realize

you're only
in my brain

gather your veins
and run as fast as you can

call your past
preparation

baggage slows you down

tears
heavier
than mercury

let them go

she smirked and said
"goodbye
is a misnomer
there is nothing good
about goodbyes"

but as I'm saying goodbye
it tugs at the strength
in my soul
testing my limits
once again

goodbyes
taught me more skills
than hellos
ever could

blame
cannot
be
put
upon
those
we
understand