It has been a tough month.
With health issues, school difficulties
and do not even mention family problems...

So there has been some triggers
  and it is just been stressful.  
I have been pretty depressed
and feeling very vulnerable
and really wanting to cut.

I feel really like I have to act like everything is fine
and cannot talk about the things that are bothering me
with the people who I would really just like to talk about it with.

Which kind of leaves me feeling
hurt and resentful and
not wanting to trust.

I feel like asking for help is so difficult
and you can only do it so many times
and be rejected before you just take on this attitude of fine

I do not need your help anyway -
I do not actually need anyone's help
and I will manage perfectly fine on my own.

Except that is not how it works, you do not manage perfectly fine.
You try harder at not feeling feelings
IRONIC
being that feelings were something you worked so hard to feel!  
you start not talking about anything that even remotely bothers you,
you put a band-aid on everything you are struggling with
and act like things are OK
when in fact, on the inside,
you are screaming and wishing,
hoping that someone would hear you.

Enter more hurt and resentment
.
It is just really difficult

**I simply want to feel
heard
supported
loved.

What do you do when you've been through hell?
When you aren't sure how to cope
and you end up hurting yourself
and those around you?

Or when you feel stuck in the dark places of your mind,
not sure you're strong enough to climb out?

I'm learning that you just keep going.
Because none of it is the end of the world.

You can't undo things that you've been through,
but you can learn how to live with them
and not let them define you.

You can't take away things you've done,
but you can say you're sorry to the people you hurt,
forgive yourself, and do better.

Change is difficult, and scary.

But I think it's finally hit me that I want to change.
I don't want to dwell on the bad things,
or hurt people I care about,
or feel trapped in my own head.


The past couple of months have been killer,
but I'm going to keep going forward.

Because that's the only thing to do.