462 million years
this is the number
that comes to my
mind when asked
how long i want to
be with you but we
both know thats not
enough- no matter how
many years i say it'll
never be enough
cause i want to be
with you every second
of every day- whether or
not you're angry at me or
if we're not on good terms
i just want to be with
you always- cause when
im not, i get a strange
feeling in my lungs
maybe its cause you are
the air i breathe
the oxygen i need

I feel
disgusting, *****, damaged
lost, lonely..im losing it
Im falling off the edge
and drowning in the abyss
or is that just my mind
because both are dark and scary
both are places i dont want to be...

You make it seem as if you dont really want to see me
Even though it is your job to do this
What in the hell do you want me to do if Im a psychotic depressed teen
Im oh so sorry for needing you to do your job

Ughh

I have a cold heart
I have a cold soul
I guess thats what happens when
The love I once knew becomes
Nothing more than burnt out wood
From the fire we lit
One night in the middle of last summer
The fire that got washed out cause the rain poured down that night
I wish our love was still like a burning fire
So warm and bright
Inviting and alive...

i feel as if i
Do this to myself
i feel as if i
dont deserve to be helped- silly feelings
arent they?
i try to distract myself
i try to forget the past
but some how- no matter
how bad i try- all that
comes to my mind is
"how soon can i die?"
however, i want to be happy
i want to invite you to my weeding and to
my baby's christening
i want to get better
but i want to slit
my wrists till i bleed
out- im a contradiction
a complete paradox...

I feel myself pulling away from reality
And I'm now living a fantasy
Nothing I see is the actual thing
It's as if I'm Alice in the Wonderland
I'm Wendy when she was with Peter Pan
Sleeping Beauty when she was asleep
Or Belle when she was with her beast
I'm having a outer body experience
I'm here but I'm not
There's a whirl wind carrying on inside of me
And it needs to stop
My head feels light
And my heart is pounding
I feel myself pulling away from reality
Nothing's real
It's all just a fantasy...

I'm a good girl gone bad
I've slipped up and lost track
Got caught up in the wrong crowd
Went the wrong way
Fell short more than once
I'm surprised I got to see another day

I'm a good girl gone bad
I decided to spread my legs too quick 17 & pregnant, I thought I was grown
My body was my own

Sipping coconut *** & milk
That night I became a drunk bandit
I was sure I could handle it
Until he drugged me and I couldn't remember a thing
All I know is I had bruises on my thighs
The police dismissed the case
They called me easy
Said they weren't surprised

I got high on speed
Fooled around the wrong way
I accidentally overdosed
& if my brother hadn't walked in just in time
I wouldn't be here today

I'm a good girl gone bad
Ive lost track of the guys I've had
Lost count of the names they call me
Can't recall the last time I had a friend

I'm a good girl gone bad
I was tired of the rules
I wanted to live my life
Didn't want anyone telling me what to do

I didn't think it would be like this
Why didn't anyone warn me?
I didn't know bad girls get this much heat
I just wanted to try it out
But these fates weren't ones I thought I'd meet
A good girl gone bad?
Nah I'm good
Good girl gone bad gone good
Is more like it...

Just because you want to feel a tingle in your flesh
You allow him to **** your *******
Pushing and pulling, grunting as he goes
Leaving love bites on your neck
And a fertilized egg in your womb
But you dont know that yet
Youre just having a good time
Thinking youre old enough to grind
On a man thrice your age
Even though you and his youngest son are at the same stage
You think youre grown
A woman in all her glory
But trust me hunny youre gona be sorry
When you realize your menstrual wont come
A few days after your lover came
You are going to regret your mistake
But that was the chance you decided to take
No one but you are responsible for your actions
Because all you cared about was ****** satisfaction
And for that embryo inside of you?
Thats another story
He's another person you will have to tell sorry
But youre grown right?
Im sure youll know what to do
From food to clothes to diapers and all
Im sure a grown woman as yourself has got it under control

Yes I may be a cold heartless *****
but this ***** has been through lots of ****
its kinda hard living when all you want to do is die
so I decide to take my anger out on the world cause I dont want to cry
I dont want to seem feeble or weak
so I hide my pain
cause looking into my eyes you wont find what you seek
You might search for happiness and joy
but all you will find is the truth
the pain the hurt the anger
so im sorry if I come across as a cold heartless *****
but truth is
I dont give a ****

its between
suicide or homicide
though i do believe homocide
will be better...why? well
it allows me to release my pain
and anger without hurting
myself...isnt that the idea of this
doctor? to get me to stop hurting myself??

As i carve into my skin
I wonder, where did this all begin?
Is it my fault Im hurting?
Or is it a punishment for one of my many past sins?
Once Im behind closed doors
I sit and watch the blood drain
I remove my happy mask
    Then I wonder, why do I induldge myself in this pain
As I carve into my skin
All sorts of memories flutter into my head
I think of many thoughts
Though I mainly think of being dead.
   After a tiresome journey
   The one they call life
   I lay pooled in my own blood
   I take my last breath
   I taste something, oh so sweet...I think its called death...

He was hard
I was wet
We were both coated in sweat
it was my first time
but you've done it millions of times before
i hoped you would be easy on me this time
but i didnt think of the day after
when shame and regret  replaced the feelings of ****** bliss
i thought i would have been able to hit it and quit it
do it once and forget it
but instead the memories and regrets from that night haunt me always
i try to forget but all i do is remember

i wish he wasnt hard
i wish i wasnt wet
i wish we both werent coated in sweat
i wish i could forget

I feel lost
Faceless in this
World of faces
Im uncertain of my
Path. Left? Right?
Will I end it all tonight?
How is it that
I hate what he did
To me yet I crave
The touch? I must
Be sick or completely
Insane. Whats wrong with me?
Why do I crave this pain?

My mind tends
To fly away from
Me at times
It goes to where
The darkness lives
Maybe thats why
My thoughts are
So dark
Maybe thats why
I think of death
When I close my
Eyes
Mind you,
I dont want to
Die- I just want
The pain to end
I want to reach
To a place where
The razor is my
Enemy- not my friend
But if dying is
The way for
Me to have
Peace then so
Be it
Let me climb to
The top of a
Building believing
I can fly
Let me go
Head first in
My dive
Because I
Hate it when
My mind flies
To where the
Darkness lives...

When you can call yourself a man
In every essence of the word
Then you can step me
Not just a being that has a piece of meat hanging between their legs
I mean a real man
Provider. Care taker. Gentleman. Head of the house hold type of man
The kind of man that has a strong head on his shoulders
And a soft heart in his chest
Im gona take care of my kids
And make sure my woman is happy sort if man
Im gona be there for you
And Ive got your back type of man

But if you arent that type of man
Then please sweetie oh please
Stay the hell away from me

Nothing hurts more
        than a broken and
          shattered heart

Im a bit angry
you re-scheduled our session
but they need your help
more than i do right? so
its fine. ive been coping
with this for a long time
so waiting a few more
days to see you won't
**** me right? im still
a bit angry though
cause i was in the talking
mood-now i have no one to
talk to. ive been building
up my confidence and strength
all week to tell you every
thing that comes to mind, I
wasnt going to hold back on
anything...
but they need your help more
than I do right? So its fine
i'll just sit on the side line
till its my turn to play..

You tame me
the same way the moon tames the Sun as they embrace each other during an eclipse
And the world watches in awe
admiring their beauty

You tame me
the same way the shore tames the ocean
because even though the ocean barks
crashing against itself like a wild beast
it becomes gentle as a mother
cradling her newborn
creeping in for a kiss
slow and delicate

You tame me
like a tigress being tamed by the king of the jungle
she dares not defy him
because if she does punishment is soon to follow
fierce
yet sensual

You tame me
Like a dominant taking control of his submissive
Making sure she knows who's in charge

You tame me
By battling my demons with your own

I allow you to tame me
Because I love you

I didnt want to say that last goodbye
I didnt want to let you go just yet
It felt as if I were being cheated
As if you were leaving me too soon
I swear to God I loved you from here to the moon

I didnt want to let you go just yet
God knows I wasnt ready to say goodbye
But the pain began to take away who you really were
You began to hallucenate
You weren't who you used to be
Your time came
And good-bye's were sadly said

As the days go by
There's not a second I dont think of your last moments
The memories come crashing down
Threatening to drown me out
We were gathered around praying,
Singing
And crying
I couldnt stand the fact that everyone was so willing to just say good bye
Cause I wasnt ready
I didnt want to say good bye
I wanted to see what we could do
Explore options
I wanted us to do something other than say good bye
But the time came
And thats what we had to do
Say good-bye

Dear You,
  You saved me
  I was drowning in my unhealthy     thoughts
  Hurting myself because of his past sins
  You threw out a life saver
  And pulled me to shore
  Though Im still in critical condition
  I think I'll be just fine..
  Since my rescue
  Ive cried and made myself bleed a few times
  But I still want to say thank you
  Because I think you heard my silent cries
  And you saw the pain in my eyes
  Thanks to you
  Im on the road to my recovery
  And for that
  You will always have a place in my heart
  No matter what.

         Thank You

Some deep
Some shallow
A few long
A few short
Horizontal
Vertical
Tally marks
Hidden messages
Stories, poems
Half hearted truths
Etched into my skin
Cuts and scars
Pain and release
Pleasure and regret
A secret bliss
An unknown woe

how funny it is
when i was younger
mother would kiss my
boo-boos and bandage
them up.
cause you see im a
bit grown now- and i
cause my own cuts-
mother does not kiss
them- no band aid
do they see
my mother thinks I'm
crazy, my sister believes
im insane. i just shake
my head when they say
that cause i know they
dont know my pain.
you might not believe me
but these cuts keep me
at ease, they allow me to breathe
so please dont think im
crazy, dont call me insane...

ec